I don't know if I can do this anymore

[sundaynightheartache]

My LDR ex and I just got back together last Sunday. It's only been about a month or two since we broke up after 9 months together. For the first six months of our relationship, we were together. We saw and talked to each other everyday. But after that, he had to movie 400 miles away for college. Everything rapidly went down hill from there.

 

In the first six months of our relationship, I fell crazy in love with him as he was too with me. And we tried to make our relationship strong. That was the best thing that ever happened to me. We were almost inseparable.

 

But when he left, trust went down, hope went down.. until love just slowly faded away with it, for him anyway. He got really busy with school and he felt like he just doesn't have time for me anymore. His priorities changed, and then the next thing I know, he tells me he's not sure if he loves me.

 

I was devastated. And for the past three months, we had struggled to fight for what we had. I gave everything I could give for this to work. But he just wasn't fighting for it as hard. And after 3 months of trying, I just gave up. He was really sad about it.

 

He still talked to me as if we were together. And then it was like he was the one fighting harder for us to stay in contact with each other. He said he wanted to be with me in the future.. bla bla bla. And I just let go. I was so tired. The process of our break up was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I became a ****in' mess. And I just wanted all or nothing. Of course, I didn't tell him that. I never wanted him to be with me just because I want him to be with me, just because he felt sorry for me. I wanted him to be with me for love.

 

So.. I just didn't feel like talking to him. Didn't try to reach him at all, but he called me at least once a week. And last Sunday, about a month or 2 into our break up, he says he wants to get back together. I was.. sorta happy.

 

I mean, I love him. I love this guy unconditionally. And I always told myself that I would definitely get back together with him if he loved me because that would be the only time that this would all be worth the fight..

 

So without thinking, I just said YES! ..but now, I'm kinda feeling.. ehhh. :/

It's like.. I don't know what to think about what he says he feels. In the beginning of the relationship, he always said that he would love me forever. Practically made me agree to be with him for at least fifty years. And I really want to trust him right now.. I love him. And I want to have hope for this.. But, it seems that being with him just reminds me of the **** that I had to go through. I want to build trust in him again, but I don't know how. I don't know how to tell him that I'm not sure if I trust him as much as we both would like to.

 

It just sucks that what we have seems like it's sooooooo tainted. And I feel like no matter how much we try to repair the cracks, it's still going to be there to remind me of how much hate I built within myself in those last 3 months.

 

It's Valentine's day tomorrow. I sent him a card. I was excited about it, he was excited about. But in the process of putting material in to it, I drew a blank. All it said was.. *his name*, *the message in the card*. <3, *my name*. No personal material at all.

 

I can't even utter the words "I love you," anymore. I don't know if it's that I'm not sure if I still do or if it's the fear of having hope again.

 

I don't know what to do.. I'm the kind of person who doesn't give up in situations where there's a chance that it'll work. The last time I gave up on him was because there was nothing left to fight for. But this time, there seems to be. But it's so hard. I can't tell if it really is worth going through again.

 

Please, tell me.. what would you do in my situation. Please.

[sb129]

I am in a LDR. And you have to both be in it 100% otherwise as you say, the trust etc goes, and then what do you have?

 

Are you happy living where you are?

Is there a chance that one day in the not too distant future you guys might end up living in the same place? Cos if there isn't, and your hearts not really in it, there isn't really any point wasting energy on the LDR.

 

It sounds like you are having doubts already, which should answer your own questions.

[sundaynightheartache]

I'm definitely considering moving closer to where he lives right now, whether or not we'll still be together. Of course, if we do make it through this year, I will move closer.

 

I'm having doubts because I'm so scared, but I think that I really want this to work. It's just so hard having to face the cause of my ultimate breakdown, and having to get over it.

 

I think that it'll definitely be worth it once we get through these tough times. The thing is, I don't know if I'll make it through alive. I don't know how much more I can fight. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how much more I can make myself believe that I trust him and that I love him. I don't know if I can feed myself enough hope.

 

I need him, to reassure me of that. But right now, I'm not sure if he's even capable. I mean, I wasn't the only one who went through this. He's had a tough time too. And maybe, making him promise more things will just bring more false hope and burden. Bla bla bla.

 

There's something screaming in me to run away. Run away!! Just stop communicating. And move to.. Australia or something, get married and die.

[sb129]

How old are you? Is only Feb honey, if it stresses you out this much are you going to be able to cope till the end of the year?

 

I know you might want it to work... most people in a R do!!

But sometimes we need to step back and see if it really CAN work, without either party making too many large sacrifices/ compromises.

 

I am not trying to tell you to break up with him. But it sounds like you are going to struggle with trust and you will find it difficult to feel secure in this LDR. If thats true, its going to be a tough year foryou.