Will he ever miss me?

[alasia]

Ok, you guys realise you have to be nice to me...it's valentines day, I've been reading the other threads and it got me thinking - so please, no "you need to get over his guy" type posts please.

Because I know that already, and I am getting there, honest.

 

Anyway as I said a few other posts on here got me thinking about the whole NC thing, and my situation.

 

As you might know from my other thread, in the 6 weeks or so since my ex split with me, I've been a bit full-on with the contact; trying to get some (honest!) answers as to whether he still has feelings or not. Sometimes he'd say he didn't have any feelings and there was no chance we'd ever get back together and other times he'd say things like he did still have "a few" feelings, missed me sometimes and once even said he did want to get back together eventually.

 

At the time I thought he was probably just trying to spare my feelings by saying he still cared, but I kept holding on just in case he was telling the truth. He seemed to respond better to me when we had a few days of NC, but about 2 weeks ago he changed and started saying he never wanted to see me again, hated me etc.

 

We had sex twice in one week 2 weeks ago (two days before we had sex he said he hated me) and this week he's been saying he doesn't have any feelings for me; yet on Sunday I went to see him to drop some belongings of his over and he ended up letting me stay over and we had sex. We cuddled up all night, he seemed very affectionate and we were joking around; it was nice.

 

Next day (Monday) he dropped me home on his bus and he was really chatty, then I made the mistake of asking to stay over again.

He said "not tonight, maybe some other time" (classic kiss-off!) and then by 6pm that evening, I'd recieved a text message saying "I'm a selfish w****r, don't care about anyone but myself. This is my last ever text to you".

I went round there (stupidly!) wondering why the sudden change of heart; and he reacted badly. I called him yesterday to apologise and he admitted that if we hadn't have argued so much, we would have stayed together long-term and still be together now. In the next sentence he said we just don't get on, and I had to move on, so did he and I didn't have to contact him again.

 

I haven't contacted him yet and I'm not going to.

I'm going to avoid seeing him completely for as long as possible (which will be difficult long-term as he drives a bus that I have to catch regularly, but I can make alternative arrangements for at least the next 3 weeks or so) but seeing as he enforced the NC and has said he doesn't ever want me to contact him again, what are the chances of him missing me?

 

I'm not sure if he was telling the truth when he said he missed me sometimes and has a few feelings for me (last time he said that was Monday morning, but when I mentioned it yesterday he said he only said it because he felt sorry for me), but if he was, is he likely to start wondering about me or missing me when I don't contact him?

 

I know the point of NC is to get over him and that is how I'll be using it; to be honest I'm not sure I'd ever want to get back together with him after everything that's happened, but it'd be nice to think that when he doesn't hear from me, he won't be thinking "great, I've finally got rid of her!" and might miss me, even a little bit.

 

Do dumpers that enforce NC ever start to miss their ex?

[MotherGooze]

Hang in there. You shouldn't be worrying if he misses you are not, he's not worthed. Could be that he'll miss you but I don't think so. The way he treated you...He doesn't have any respect for you whatsoever, he only thinks about himself, so why would he think about you. Sorry to be so harsh, but you need to know what kind of guy he really is. You should be the one thinking ' I finally got rid of that bastard' !! Believe me the longer you hold on to the NC the more you'll think that way. Now you're just too emotionally involved. That'll change, don't worry

 

Hold on to NC. I can assure you'll get a lot stronger out of this. Find counseling and work on getting stronger and more confident. Even if you can't do it for yourself, you can do it for someone very special who is now growing inside you waiting comfortably to get introduced to his or her wonderful mother. Try and concetrate on that and you'll do great. Try and rely on friends if you're having a hard time or just come here. All these brilliant people on here will surely help out

[alasia]

Thanks

 

You know what? It's not even that I'm hoping he'll come back to me or whatever...there's no way I'd consider getting back with him even if he wanted to, unless he made a lot of changes.

 

I think it's more that I'd like the door to be left open slightly, rather than being slammed shut in my face, the way it seems to be at the moment.

 

I can't tell whether he meant it when he said he still had a few feelings for me and misses me sometimes (he's said it a few times since we've split up), or whether he honestly did just pity me and that's why he said what he did. I think anyone, however many feelings they had for someone would get annoyed by an ex who seemingly can't get over them and keeps contacting them.

 

Maybe he had a few feelings, they get a bit stronger when we're getting on (he's said that before) but then when I start asking questions and being all clingy, he realises I'm not worth the hassle?

 

Either way I'm doing the NC thing - I need to for my own sanity, because I can't handle even thinking about him after what he did on Monday. My arm still hurts and I still have the burst blood vessel in my eye, which looks awful.

[MotherGooze]

You know what...If he tries to contact you...you can slam the door in his face the next time. so try no contact!!!!!

 

Let him see you're over him...that's the sweetest revenge you can give to him. Show him that you don't need him anymore, that you can live perfectly without him and that you'll make a wonderful mother.

 

I'm sure now you're not really thinking you can live without him. I'm sure it hurts right now, but give it some time. Don't give up hope. Once that little baby is there you'll actually find out what unconditional love truly is so just look forward to that. You got so many things to look forward to; the first little babykicks when he hears your voice; little baby echoes.... the first time you have him or her in your hands....those are the things you have to look forward to. See, if you think about your baby and try and do everything for your baby right now; you'll soon forget about him.

 

And if you have the urge to call or contact him; you come here, or just picture him on the toilet or something disgusting

[alasia]

And if you have the urge to call or contact him; you come here, or just picture him on the toilet or something disgusting

 

I have a problem...just got a phonecall about a job I applied for last week, and they've asked me to come for an interview...at 8pm (they're only open evenings as it's a bar). I said that I'd go, but I don't think I can - my ex is driving the only bus that I can catch to get there and back. I can't get on the bus while he's driving!

 

I really need a job though...I'm almost 12 weeks pregnant and if I don't get work in the next couple of weeks, I'll have to start telling potential employers that I'm pregnant before I apply - and then I'll never get a job!

 

What do I do?! Almost in tears because I need this job, but I can't see my ex, especially not on Valentines Day!

[MotherGooze]

get on that bus and IGNORE him. That job is important. Dont talk to him, just act like he's the ordinary busdriver you see everyday.

[alasia]

Ooh...I don't think I can - don't want to burst into tears or something!

 

And he's bound to think I got his bus deliberately or call me a stalker or something. Do you really think it's a good idea??

 

Thing is I've applied to a lot of places but this one's the only one that has called me back so far. Maybe one of the others will next week?

[MotherGooze]

Can you ask the company to change the appointment maybe? Hope that helps.

[Kamille]

Alasia - how far is that interview? Do you know anyone who could drive you there and back? Could you afford a cab? Is there an alternate bus route (which might take double the time but would get you there drama free?)

 

I have to agree that finding a job is your priority. But interviews are nerwrecking enough as is so i also agree you sould avoid that bus.

 

Now about the NC... Welcome to the club. It's really not easy. I personnally believe that we become addicted to contact with our ex. Like a bit of drama is better then sinking into oblivion. I sometimes get such a craving for contact I actually get antsy, like when I quit smoking.

 

You do realise that the only way he will ever miss you is if you do go into NC and sustain it?

 

Ok so it is valentines day. I'll try to be nice but all I can say is that your ex is a manipulative self-centred a**.

 

And that by contacting him and putting your sense of self worth under his control (by seeking to determine if he has feelings for you and what his actions means and by relentlessly contacting him), you are enabling him.

 

Now no guy likes to be an *******. Truth is, they feel we only let them get away with it. Stop it now Alasia. He will get respect for you if you call his bluffs. And have enough pride to stop seeking his approval and stop sleeping with him.

 

Alasia, sweetie, it sounds like you need to spend valentine's day being your own best valentine. Make a list of all your good qualities, take a long candle lit bubble bath, treat yourself like the queen that you know you are.

 

It sounds like part of the reason why you attach so much importance to what he felt, and when he felt it, is linked to your sense of self-worth. And I hate him for playing on this to get what he wants (the occasional egostroke and some sex on the side) What his actions means and whether or not he still had-has feelings for you does in no way change the fact that only YOU decide your own worth.

 

thing you need to get out of your head is that 1) that he will forget about you if you don't contact him. Au contraire - the best thing you can do right now to throw him a curve ball is go complete NC. It will likely make him wonder what's up with you and make him worry that you are moving on. (And you should definitely move on). 2) That sleeping with him is a sign that he still has feelings for you. Unfortunately, I think that your ex is right : he is a w****er. And an a*****e I might add. Know how they say that you should wait when at the beginning of a relationship before having sex? Same here. Don't have sex with a guy who isn't committed to you. Sex will not bring him to realize he has deeper feelings for you. And he is having sex because you are letting him get away with it. In a way, he is using how vulnerable you feel right now for the sake of his own libido. (I know because the same thing (minus pregnancy) happened to me when I was 23 and broken-hearted over some no-good self-centred a** who has since proven himself unworthy of my time or anyone's.

 

Gosh I was hoping to be nice as it is Valentine's day. Sorry if this is harsh. You will get over it. He is being unfair to you. All what matters is that you regain your pride by your own means.

 

As was said elsewhere : you're the prize. Don't let this guy get away with treating you like sh**. You are worth more then that.

 

ps: Alasia, please get angry! This guy is so not worth your time!

[alasia]

That wasn't nasty Kamille, it was helpful

 

I know I should be angry with him, and I am. I read over some old posts on another forum, that basically chart the relationship; he was a 40-odd eyar old bus driver that tried it on with me and who I was not even remotely attracted to, then I gave him a chance, spend a solid week at his place then pretty much never went home. That was the mistake; from the start he called all the shots and he's probably been like that with every other gf he's had, except they were smart enough to realise it and get rid of him. I have no idea how he's managed semi long-term relationships though; his last two rships were 5 and 3 years respectively and he said he acted the same way with them as he did with me.

So maybe his other exes weren't that clever after all.

 

Anyway I know I've spent the past 5 months making excuses for his piss-poor behaviour and blaming myself, whne he was the problem. I doubt he ever loved me, because to love someone you have to have respect for them - and he definitely didn't/doesn't respect me!

I tried so hard to make it work, even back in Oct/November when he was running around after another woman and because he said nothing was going on (and so did she), I let him do it! I let him get away with not telling her about me and not telling her to leave him alone, all because he said he couldnt' be 'heartless' to her.

 

I've even allowed him to knock the last shred of confidence out of me, blaming the break up on me and saying that whenever he's said he has feelings, I've just taken him the wrong way. He didn't have to say he misses me and still has feelings if it's simply not true. No man in his 40's is that spineless!

 

Friends have been telling me I should get myself dolled up so I feel and look amazing, go to that interview and ignore my ex. Treat him like any other bus driver and if he thinks I'm stalking him that's his problem, not mine. If he dares to speak to me or tries to accuse me of deliberately getting his bus I won't have it.

The added bonus is, he might think I'm going on a date and there might be a cute guy at the bar who offers to buy me a (non alcohollic!) drink

 

But I don't think I can go... I don't normally go to Rugeley (where the interview is, and where he lives) and he doesn't know I applied for the job, so he's bound to assume I'm trying to get a job in his town so I'll see him - even though he lives about half a mile from where the bar is, and he never goes there apart from when he's working (and even that's only twice in the evening, mon-thurs)

[alasia]

Oh and I don't have any other way of getting to the interview, unfortunately.

 

I've asked family and friends if they could drop me over there but everyone who has a car is busy, and a cab would be far too expensive - about £50 which is way more than I have at the moment (the total journey by bus would only cost £8).

 

And typically, his is the only bus that goes there

[HennyPenny]

Did you forget that he beat you and choked you the other day? I wouldn't worry about whether or not he misses you. You need to worry about your own safety. Please find someone to talk to.

[RocketMan2]

Eight quid by bus, 50 by taxi? How far away is this place, Nottingham?

 

When you finish on that bar at 3am you arent gonna be happy about that journey home!

 

Get the bus, just take your ipod. If you havent got one, wear some earphones anyway then you can just slap the money on the counter and sit down in ignorance.

 

 

Rocket