Second Chances............

[Andrew02]

Do you believe that life gives two people a second chance if they are meant to be together? I have never been a believer of these things, until now. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am married, I have been since early May. The girl I am married to, I have been dating before hand about a year and a half. Well, accidents happen, even though we were careful and she became preganant. My family and church were all pushing me to do the right thing and marry her, I agreed because I did love her. But I knew I wasn't ready, I am in grad school and I am only 23.

 

For the last year (almost) an old flame has come back into my life and she is the one I know I should be with. She has made so many sacrifices for me in the past and I have never forgotten them. I have known this other girl for over 10 years. We have a long history. I can't explain it, she and I have always clicked. But she moved away and I moved on and met my wife. I was happy but I never forgot about the other girl.

 

Now she's back and I am still very much into her. She has been very suppotive and caring through this whole ordeal. She's happy for me, because being a father makes me so satisfied and complete. But in the back of my mind, I know she's hurting for me, even though she doesn't say it. I know that she's the woman I should be with. I am grateful for my family and I do love my wife. It's just I know that my "soul mate" has been left outside in the cold.

 

She's moving again to finish university and she's going to be out of my life, probably for good again. I am sad, even though I shouldn't be and it's wrong, because she isn't my wife.

 

I am going to stay where I am and raise my son, he needs a mother and a father. I love my wife, but this other girl, what I feel goes beyond that. The passion that we have shared in the past is unmatched, she fulfils my every need physically and emotionally.

 

I am going to have to let her go, so I ask, how can I get over her and focus on my present life? I do hope that one day that we can be back in each others lives, but I doubt it can happen.

 

They say true loves always will find a way, well sometimes, it doesn't.

[Ally Boo]

It doesn't matter who pushed you to "do the right thing." You did it to. You made that action, so you can't blame it on anyone else. The fact is, you have a wife and child on the way, and what you want is really kinda out the window. You weren't ready...but you did it anyway.

 

Instead of looking at the cup half empty...why dont you look at it as half full. You have a wife, and a beautiful child. There are many single people who wish they could have that kind of stability. You are very lucky.

 

Since you are into doing the right thing...why dont you do the right thing, and devote your energy and attention to your family..and the commitment you've made to THEM.

[Tony T]

Marrying somebody because they are pregnant or staying with somebody for the sake of a child is never right. Children raised in a home with parents who aren't in love with each other pick up on this and it doesn't serve them well at all.

 

You have a very long life to live. However, you are one confused dude right now. There is absolutely no way you can know if a year from now you might even find another woman you think you should be with forever.

 

Fact is you are nowhere near ready for marriage, from a timing standpoint and a maturity standpoint. You don't know what's up or down. It didn't seem to bother you at all to be in love with this past lady and make love to the woman you're with now.

 

Hey, there are millions of women around and you could fall in love with any one of them at any time.

 

You need to learn what love is really all about. You need to learn to be honest with yourself and to stop doing things because you feel it's the right thing to do rather than it's what your heart is telling you is right for your life and the other person.

 

As far as I'm concerned, you are not married at this time. You simply live with a lady you impregnated. What a terrible existence you will have for many years ahead. Living with a woman in marriage, going to sleep next to her, and dreaming of some other lady is adultery is cheating any way you look at it. Marriage is far more than a piece of paper...or a baby two people have created together (which almost any male and female can do, in love or not.) As far as I'm concerned, you are not married at this time because there seems to be no bond of love with you and the person you live with.

 

A major part of marriage is commitment. You have no commitment to the woman you share a house with now because you constantly think of this other lady who you THINK would be so much better for you.

 

I have no idea why you are subjecting yourself to this torture. You aren't doing anybody any favors.

 

Once classes are over, take some time to give your life a total review and reassessment and make some rational, sane changes that will guide you through the next 60 or 70 years of life. You may be getting good grades in grad school, but so far you've got an "F" in your social life.

 

Right now, your marriage is a big lie. But if I were you, I would move very slowly in getting into anything else. Frankly, I don't think you're qualified yet to make lifelong decisions. This lady from your past is mostly in your mind and imagination. What the reality would be with her is something totally different. She could be a real bitch. Take your time in planning out your life.

[midori]

I largely agree with what Tony has said. Your lack of genuine commitment is all too clear. But you might want to ask yourself if what you feel for this "soulmate" of yours is for real in and of itself, or if it provides a convenient reason for you to excuse yourself from getting down to the nitty-gritty of life with your wife and child.

 

It's impossible to answer "what if" questions, since they are only hypothetical alternatives to what actually is. But it can still be a useful exercise:

 

1. What if this other woman came back to town but you weren't married and a new father? Would you be so drawn to her then?

 

2. What if she hadn't come back to town? Would you be better able to focus on your current reality without such angst?

 

I'm just saying that you should be careful not to confuse a symptom of your confusion for the cause of your confusion. You do sound like someone who made a big decision for the wrong reasons, and before he was ready to take on the responsibilities in question. It's no wonder you're stricken with doubt! It's easy to pay lip-service toward acknowledging that you are a bit young, and this is a bit difficult ... but if you stop and think about it, really think about it, you might have to confront the idea that even though you are young, and it will be difficult, you have to live up to what you've taken on. No matter how much it scares you.

 

It's a heck of a lot easier on yourself to attribute your doubts about your marriage to your lingering feelings for another woman, than it is to face up to the possibility that your marriage simply might fail. That despite your good intentions, despite your efforts and sacrifices, it just might not work. You might fail; people might be disappointed in you. People might get angry with you. If you can blame something that's "beyond your control," like feelings that won't go away for your "soulmate," then you can blame destiny, or the vagaries of love for your marriage's failure, rather than your own human shortcomings. Yeah, sure, some blame would still come your way. But that's not the same as admitting, "I'm not ready to be responsible to other people! I'm not ready to submit myself to the demands of parenthood and marriage! Yes, I had SEX and I got someone PREGNANT and I don't think I'm big enough to live with the consequences! I made a big mistake and I'm not really ready to be a fully fledged grown up and deal with what comes next."

 

What comes next? The hard work of laying a good foundation for a solid marriage? Maybe. The hard work of extricating yourself from a marriage that you're not ready for and don't want? Maybe. Pretending to go along with the marriage, while secretly sabotaging its chances of success by allowing yourself to moon over girls you probably wouldn't be with even if you were single today? Maybe. It's up to you.