nonameNY Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 Here is the deal,married two decades...It has been so long since I was happy in this I don't even remember what it feels like. If I was it was in the first five or so. Of course in the first five we had to children one almost 20 and out of state for college, and one a junior in HS. We have fought forever over the littlest things in the world (IMO) I am really laid back...She is high strung to say the least. pretty sure she is OCD or something. These fights are not nice...and I dont claim to be perfect..But everything is 100% with her...if dishes are left in the sink by anyone it soon turn into WW3 From that little thingwhat should be a spat at the most...well out come the hate words...that I am a misrable prick, worst person in the world to live with, she hates me, cant stand me, dosn't know why or what I ever seen in her. I should leave if I don't like it...never find anyone better then her...etc. This with a huge screaming shrill voice and hate face the works. I condensed the reasons but the reason for the fights are pretty much nothing. Gambling a paycheck or staying out all night I get the reason. I have never did anything like that. I told her awhile ago and she dosn't want to D she wants to work it out...I dont see but I agreed to see the counslor. So yesterday we seen the counslor for the first time. The counslor asked me first: What did you have for expectations whenyou got married? I did not have a great answer but I did say ir was not like this. (fights) The same questions was then posed to her. her responses was she expected to fight and then went off in a rant about me and that she was 40 years old abd will coutinue to swear and stand up for what she says is right and that I am the one that need to change. After she stopped the counslor stated that she had a "interesting response" It really opened my eyes and I really don't see a future with this women Growing old with her scares me to tell the truth. I hope I did a decent job of describing my married life.. I am looking for comments and opinons from men and women on this thanks Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 Geez, I feel bad for you. Check out marriagebuilders.com because it will offer you some great advice, and keep going to the couples couseling to see if things get better and/or you learn something useful about yourself. I don't know what else to say, except that you will probably get loads of good advice here on LS, and I'm sure more people will post. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 What polywog said. You have come to the right place. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I'd call and pull her "punk card" and exit stage left, PDQ ~ but to initally just to get her attention, and serve her a big old cup of WTF! And, then I would go NC (No Contact) or minimum NC, and what contact there was, would be all courteous, professional, and short and sweat. I'd let her sit around and think about what her life would be without me in the picture, and give her the gift of missing me. The only reason she's going to go to MC, is to get the counselor to "prove" that she's right about everything and you're wrong about everything. You're spinning your wheels in some seriously deep mud ~ as in up to the axle. MC is a waste of time ~ because its all one-sided, and she's pursuing her agenda. And, that agenda is to prove that her way, is the right way, and your way is the wrong way. I wouldn't say she's OCD, but then again ~ I'm not the one laying in the same bed with her everynight - you are. Un-doubtly as described, she's got "control" issues, which means she's got self esteem issues, which means she's got anxiety issues. When she spews all that crap about she's too good for you, (I'm not good enough for you?) and "You'll never find somone else, (= If you leave me, I'll never find anyone to put up with my crap like you do?!) Stop and think? Everytime she starts this crap, flip it, and re-phrase it. Its not you, Bro ~ its her own insecurties. She's projecting that on you! You're laid back, Mr. Joe Cool on Campus, and she's running around like Chicken Little freaking over dishes in the sink. (A lot of women judge other women as to how good a wife, mother, woman they are by how well they keep their houses ~ snitty little bitches, but they do.) A lot of men's idenity is wrapped up in their occupations, what they do for a living. A lot of women's idenity is wrapped up in their house, and their "home" Men have it all wrong going out and buying a sports car, you want to attract women? Go out and buy a nice house, and then give some gal carte blache into turning it into her own interior decorating project. Somewhere down the line, somehow or another your not projecting confidence in your wife. Confidence that she's doing enough, good enough for you. When she goes off on the triades, you've got to come up with someway of calming her, and re-directing her energy, by saying "Shhhh!" and conveying to her the emotions that needs to feel calm and reassured that all is right with you, her, your relationship and your (as in you and her) world. She's spazing because she doesn't know where she stands with you? Where she stands in the marriage? The state of the marriage? So, she instigates these fights. Part of it is that you may be too laid back? At least if she's got your back up, she knows you're engaged with her? Which is better than, "Whatever?" Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 If you are absolutely, positively, CERTAIN that divorce is what you most want... And if there is NO outside stimulus clouding up your thinking, ie. depression or extramarital love interest... then see an attorney and DO IT. The cleanest way is to set your goal and stick with it, just like ripping off a used band-aid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nonameNY Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 I do have and outside influence or stimulus two kids...both have lived with this since they can remember. But still it is thier mom...I don't know how to handle the "talk" and remember one is alone at out of state school. They both hate the fights...not long ago the youngest said we fight to much and should get a D. W blames that on a Kid just running their mouth...I don't think so it tore my heart out to hear that..... Link to post Share on other sites
the_total_package Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I'm sorry for what you are going through. I have a guy friend who's now exwife acted like yours, always blaming him, yelling at him for whatever he did to the point he couldn't go to the grocery store when she asked without knowing he was going to get chewed out when he got home by her because he didn't get the right 'thing' or the right 'size' or the right 'brand.' He just knew to expect a big screaming fit from her when he got home from the store, no matter what. Lots of other issues with her, too, just completely acting irrationally. Turned out she was having an affair for 7 years while he was working two jobs. of course when he found out, it was all HIS fault for not being a good husband, not doing this, not doing that...etc. etc. Is it possible she's having an affair? Because after he found out, he went to a divorce lawyer, and she didn't want to do that 'because of the kids' she just wanted to stay married until they graduated. He said 'no' to that. Turns out she had been pilfering money from his paycheck in case her affair was found out, but now it's all said and done. SHe wanted to have her cake and eat it too, live in the house he provided from his paycheck while she stayed home while the kids were at school and had an extra marital affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nonameNY Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 My Dad asked me the same thing is she running around...of course it is possible but I don't think so...she already accused me of this (not true) cause she thinks it is all new, I have complained about her actions and behavior for years. By possible she is not home alot works two different part time jobs and goes to the store alot. I am more of the homebody...but I like it cause she ain't here... She thinks her actions and saying it like it is, is cause she is "real" and "passionate" and she never really means what she says. She even used that after the MC session that she did not mean it. I said that is what we where there for...DUH Yes these two must be sisters she acts the same way you can't do it right cause you dont do it the way she would do it...so she does bitch about something that is done just not done HER way Link to post Share on other sites
the_total_package Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 My friend went through a living hell with her for so long until he finally made the step for divorce, he had been going through all that, it wasn't even about the affair, just that he had to live through what you're going through. He went through counseling alone and it helped him out a lot, helped him realize he wasn't the bad guy he had been made out for for years. Now that he has been divorced for 3 years, he says he is the happiest he has ever been. Still has to deal with a lot of bs from her as they share custody of the kids, so she still gets her b**ching in about every little stupid thing now, but at least he doesn't have to live with her anymore. Good luck to you, I hope you find a resolution to this if she is refusing to acknowledge her part in the marriage, I don't know what can be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Still has to deal with a lot of bs from her as they share custody of the kids, so she still gets her b**ching in about every little stupid thing now, but at least he doesn't have to live with her anymore. OH HELL NO!!!! Its like I told my X, when she signed on the dotted line ~ she signed away any and all "bitchin' rights!" :mad: Having been married and now single ~ I prefer single, you can't go wrong by yourself. Married life? When its good, but when its bad ~ its Hell. My intial response to your post was that they're might be some things that you could do to work on improving on your relationship ~ but now I believe the wife might be one of those kinds of people that there's just no pleasing. There might even be another man in the picture ~ treating the spouse like crap is right out of the cheaters handbook. Things got so bad between my cheating spouse ~ that my very young children rather see us apart than together. Link to post Share on other sites
the_total_package Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 is a Marine, too. Awesome guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 is a Marine, too. Awesome guy. Yea! That's part of our "problem" and its taken me a long time to figure it out. Most people don't join the military, and of the ones that do, most don't enlist into the Marines. Most or at least a lot of the people that enlist into the Marines, believe in being a part of something "bigger" than themselves, and feel a committment to give back, and to serve the patrotic chore. A lot of the reasons that I went into the Corps, is I felt that I owed something to the men and women that gave the ultimate scarifice to give me the opportunity, the chance, to have the life that I and my children have. In other words, I had a debt to pay to them, by carrying on, what they laid down their lifes for ~ the Ulitmate Scraifice. At 18 it seemed insignificant to scrafice 4 years of my life for the better good. As JFK put it, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country. To me? An oath, is a bond. Its not half ass! Each time I stood up and raised my right hand, and said I would defend the Constitiution, ~ I meant it! When I got married, I meant it! It wasn't until you PMO, or PMO enough times, or PMO bad enough, or until something better came along. HONOR, INTEGRITY, RESPECT! ARE REAL WORDS TO ME! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I do have and outside influence or stimulus two kids...both have lived with this since they can remember. But still it is thier mom...I don't know how to handle the "talk" and remember one is alone at out of state school. They both hate the fights...not long ago the youngest said we fight to much and should get a D. W blames that on a Kid just running their mouth...I don't think so it tore my heart out to hear that..... Your kids are old enough to be told the truth. I doubt that either one of them would want to see you live out your life in a state of bitterness just for their sakes anyway. My question to you though... would divorce cause you a financial hardship in getting them through college?? At their ages, THAT's the only consideration I can see which would interfere with a divorce decision as long as your thought-process is otherwise perfectly clear. You said that your wife's excuse is that she's "real" and "passionate". Well... I expect if that's truly the case, she'll bounce back after divorce. You know it IS possible to be a strong woman without abusing other people, don't you? If her style of communciation has ALWAYS been difficult for you to deal with, she should have taken your feelings into consideration a long-ass time ago. Personally, I don't like to be yelled at. I take it personally when it happens. And I can't allow latitude for people who KNOW going in that they're bound to hurt my feelings... and then elect to do it anyway. My advice to you.... See an attorney and figure out your finances. You'll be better equipped to make a decision once you've done your homework. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nonameNY Posted February 17, 2007 Author Share Posted February 17, 2007 Gunny first off I loved your first post answer...I just didn't respond to it...I am so close to walking...I have to go live with my parents....Who BTW support me 100% LJ14, that is the other reason that hold me back and make me think I am a huge A@@H@le the finances for me, her and and the kids...50/50 state we pretty much have to sell the house to pay off debt...I don't want it anymore...that used to hold me back...my material things....I want my motorcycle tools cloths and my crappy truck. We make decent money but only together...I make twice as much and have all the benes...she will have nothing like health benes or anything...of course that is after the D I have to provide up to that point... I did talk to a lawyer...2000 retainer....and she wants a LOG of all the times we had a fight or spat that involved name calling etc with witness's... There is no way I can provide that really I block it out as it is happening for the most part.. I really like the feedback though..keep it coming Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 First, let me say sorry, you're finding yourself in a difficult time. It's strange to me how similiar people's problems can be. When I read you blog, I could have been reading about myself...names have changed but...anyway, I thought a reply would be a gift to you and to me, as I too, am right there with you! For sure, relationships are hard. But I think your counsler got it right to start with expections. I think for the most part people try to get their expectations met by other people and when they are not met, people get frustrated, depressed, angry, resentful... I could go on. Usually the person those expectations have been assigned to get the ramifications of those emotions. Not that I'm the expert, but I am a woman who finds herself with expectations of others and guess what...they are not getting met. So lately I have been forced to recognize and understand the consequence of those expectations. I'm going to try, to ask myself what expectations I have for my life and more important, what is my life's purpose. What have I done to fullfill my life and what am I displacing on to other people? I get it that it dosen't work the other way (trying to make other's responsible), and it's much more sensible to look in the mirror and change what you can about yourself first. That's the logical side. The emotional side wants to fight for justice. Fight to be right and sometimes fight just because it becomes normal. Again, sorry you're having a tough go..most relationships do. One of my favor sayings " Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author nonameNY Posted February 17, 2007 Author Share Posted February 17, 2007 I too have read some of the other posts.....And I also see the same thing over and over...so similiar that I swear I could have wrote it... The wierd thing is in my case anyways was I thought she thought the same thing...we are just in it (marriage) cause it has been so long and it is such a big step to D that we just put up with it...but the feelings we hold for each other would at this point be mutual...She Swears she still loves me..and always has...I have always told her that I don't believe it cause for One, I don't feel it and Two, there is no way you can sprew all of the hate words and tell me repeatly to leave and then tell me that you never met it...that is what boggles my mind the most....I know I don't feel the way I want to feel for my wife and I don't ever see me feeling that way again.... MY expectations are pretty simple, I want a best friend, I want someone who is alway my first thought, someone to hang out with and have fun with no matter what we may be doing, if it some thing mudane or romantic like being snowed inside some mountain cabin. I know the most important thing I ever did was take care of and raise my kids, I will never find a cure for cancer...even my kids might not find the cure, but maybe they do something in thier lifetime that effects the person that does find the cure Link to post Share on other sites
CryingCanuck Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Posted by Gunny OH HELL NO!!!! Its like I told my X, when she signed on the dotted line ~ she signed away any and all "bitchin' rights!" Having been married and now single ~ I prefer single, you can't go wrong by yourself. Married life? When its good, but when its bad ~ its Hell. Gun's you're bang on but one mistake I think, and we all make it. When it's good, Married life is also, but I now know that there is no such thing as "married life" when it's bad, it's just plain "Married Existence" there is no life, it's just hanging in day by day... NonameNY you do have choices to make and from my own recent experiences, your kids will understand why this thing ended the way it did and no blame assigned to either. I used to firmly believe, the "mother and all thing" but not anymore, women can be the birth provider without being a real mother and kids eventually see that and feel pity and love but not resentment towards the "other party" for leaving. Your kids are at an age where you may find when you ask/tell them you are thinking of leaving that they will say something like " It sure took you long enough DAD...." they more than likely also are fed up...... Again, just my opinion. CC Link to post Share on other sites
guin_girl Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Your kids are at an age where you may find when you ask/tell them you are thinking of leaving that they will say something like " It sure took you long enough DAD...." they more than likely also are fed up...... My dad called me when I was away at college and asked me if I would think any less of him if he were to divorce my mother. She's very much like your wife and my dad is very laid back like you. It was really bad as I was growing up and really bad for me. (might be why I've never married) And my response was "I want you to be happy and I know you haven't been for years. I can't believe you have hung in there as long as you have. Do what makes you happy cause I'm not there anymore." He did not leave her though, he said she would take him for everything and he wanted to make sure when he died I was provided before, man I hate that guilt that he's placed on me. No matter what I tell him I get, "it's not that bad, I'm used to it". They live like roommates, it's sad to see a shell of a man... she never knew our conversation... So I guess what I"m saying is, your kids at HS and college are more than aware of what's going on, and it will not be a surprise, may even be a relief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nonameNY Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 Wow....I sometimes think (hope) they would say something like that to me. I feel like the buffer of sanity many times...I am the to go to thier rooms and try to make them feel better after she goes off and goes off on them... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Gun's you're bang on but one mistake I think, and we all make it. When it's good, Married life is also, but I now know that there is no such thing as "married life" when it's bad, it's just plain "Married Existence" there is no life, it's just hanging in day by day... NonameNY you do have choices to make and from my own recent experiences, your kids will understand why this thing ended the way it did and no blame assigned to either. I used to firmly believe, the "mother and all thing" but not anymore, women can be the birth provider without being a real mother and kids eventually see that and feel pity and love but not resentment towards the "other party" for leaving. Your kids are at an age where you may find when you ask/tell them you are thinking of leaving that they will say something like " It sure took you long enough DAD...." they more than likely also are fed up...... Again, just my opinion. CC Yea, your right CC, "been there, and done that" in marriage, in my work, and other crap ~ aka "despertately hanging on" ~ "going through the motoins" and "going mindless" ~ going just numb. Thats not living!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Is there any possibility of her seeing a doctor for her anxiety, depression, etc and that if she does, you may try and work thru the issues? Are you completely 100% done or can you try and rebuild this? If she were willing to make an effort? No, she doesn't sound like a nice person at all but as Gunny pointed out, that is because of her own lack of self-esteem, her anxiety, etc. How much do you help out with the housework? Could it be she's screaming about the dishes because she's the only one doing the work, plus working 2 part-time jobs and is feeling beyond stressed? You can be too laid back in a relationship and figure that its "woman's work". Take it from me, I've been there personally, with a guy that was "laid back" ~ and let me do all of the housework and some of the yardwork, plus the child rearing. No one is a saint ~ let's hear your faults in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nonameNY Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 Lor, you are 100 % right....Do I do everything there is to do in the household?...Nope...but my alibi for what it is worth. For Me, I am just sick of living like this...to me the damage is done and I need to move on. I don't love her like a wife, and I don't think there is this switch you can turn back on and make it work no matter what. I have been accused of not doing it the right way or well enough, way to much. We have a dishwasher they are a godsend to anyone right?...Well they load up different everytime, you don't really know what dish plate or glass goes in next...after its 85% full you have to move stuff around to make it fit. She had a fit years ago about me loading the dishwasher the wrong way! I still put my dirty dishs in the dishwasher, but that is one fight I will always remember. On other things I just don't do it the same way she would so I did it wrong...results may be the same but still I did it my way not her way. This is impossible to deal with sometimes... Today she went to her one job...I did 3 loads of Towels wash and dryed didn't get asked just did them. She keeps a good house and even though she does work I am not taking that from her.. it is only 35 hours total for both jobs..She runs around alot..Always going to the store...Her moms something...just not home much....I dont mind it because this is my quiet time. My dad and the one guy I talked to think she could be running around...I don't think so but I don't know... She left last night at 7pm and said she was going to Babysit for a female friend at work...I found out right when she left of this plan...we don't talk that much so not to big of deal I guess. She never called nor did I call her...She got in at 2AM this morning said she babysat then went with the same friend to a local pub. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nonameNY Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 She called me cell to cell, said she had more work then she thought....can I get something to eat on my own....Yep....Can you also pick up the youngest at work gets out at 9pm? I go your not going to be done by 9? yeah but I have to stop at Moms after.... So exactly one hour from that phone call I drive to her work....NO CAR....hmmm Drive to her Mom's no car no one even home.... Fishy or paranoid? Link to post Share on other sites
guin_girl Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Fishy or paranoid? Well I hate to say it, but when I read your previous post that she was babysitting for a friend, when she has her own kids that she leaves with you most of the time, it sure didn't sit well with me. It sounds fishy to me... Keep in mind this is coming from someone who had to wool pulled over her eyes at one point so I'm more untrusting then most. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 She called me cell to cell, said she had more work then she thought....can I get something to eat on my own....Yep....Can you also pick up the youngest at work gets out at 9pm? I go your not going to be done by 9? yeah but I have to stop at Moms after.... So exactly one hour from that phone call I drive to her work....NO CAR....hmmm Drive to her Mom's no car no one even home.... Fishy or paranoid? I'll probally catch a lot of flak for this?! But Oh well! She's scroggin' someone else! :eek: :eek: :eek: Link to post Share on other sites
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