Oh. My. God. I cant actaully believe this (part 2)

[shockandawed]

Rocket,

 

(Slap from across the pond)

 

Relax, you are reading way too much into it ( I know from doing the same thing)

 

You are simply thanking her for the text. Nothing more. Let her do the wondering what your intentions are.

 

"Thank You for the text, hope all is well"

 

INDIFFERENT!!!!!

[polywog]

Rocket,

 

You are getting great advice here, esp from S&A, with the strategic stuff.

 

The way you are feeling is, I think, exactly how she wants you to feel, and it's creepy and selfish. Like others have said, if she wanted to get back together she'd do a LOT more than a txt and call on VD.

 

It's easy for her to text and call on impulse. If she truly desired to change into a better kinder more worthy person she'd do something more to prove it that that. The ball is in Your court, keep it there for now.

 

stay strong:bunny:

 

polywog

[guin_girl]

But, there is a flipside which I cant just ignore... She could quite easilly mistake my healing-NC for bitter ignorance and give up before shes had a chance to decide to make a big effort.

 

Am i crazy?

 

Rocket

 

IF, and that's a big IF, hence the capital IF.... She does want to try again, and she gives up after one call??? Come on, you know that's not right... so you need to stand strong... you are the prize, you are worth the fight.

 

TRUST ME, as a woman, I would not give up if I wanted to try again with someone else. I would find a way to contact you. I would text you, email you and call you. If after I have tried all avenues and I didn't get a response or he tells me to get lost would I think that he wasn't interested anymore. But I've also never wanted someone back that I broke up with. Once I made a decision, that was it. But I sure have fought to hold onto someone who broke up with me... growl...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

RM,

Have you slept at all? I agree, TEST CALL! Probably thinking, maybe feeling down, needs an "old friend" one she knows she can count on to be there. That feels good. SHE knows how you feel. SHE called the shots. I would not even text back the indifferent text.

 

YOU have the upper hand at the moment......care to trade if for what's behind door # 2? Give her the chance to miss you. Give her the chance to know what life is like when she can't run to you for comfort. DO not allow yourself to be manipulated.

 

You are not going to miss a chance with her if that is what she truly wants but I doubt that she actually knows what she wants at the moment.

 

On some level she will respect you much much more for putting yourself ahead of her (under the circumstances).

[RocketMan2]

Yeah I agree that she was probably feeling down, due to her impatience in the lack of time between her text and call, and text.

 

I don't even know what I feel any more. I cant see that we could get back together. I cant see how it would ever work, how either of us could ever truly be happy.

 

Whats the need for her to wind me up?

 

If she contacts me again and its nothing spectacular i was planning on just telling her that I cant be friends with her because of how i feel. Is that a bad move?

 

 

Rocket

[guin_girl]

If she contacts me again and its nothing spectacular i was planning on just telling her that I cant be friends with her because of how i feel. Is that a bad move?

 

Not at all... you put yourself as #1 and do what you need to move on as best you can. And if it's better for you to not have her contact you (which it will be in order to heal) then you need to tell her and hopefully she will respect you enough to honor your request.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I don't think her purpose was to wind you up but obviously she is used to your R being all about her. You have shown her that you are willing to wait and be second and put her first. I would not TELL her that you cannot be friends, I would show her that you are not willing to be by a lack of response. NO words just actions. Lack of response is an action.

 

I've said this before and I know that I was not terribly clear, I have a very hard time expressing what I have to say in writing, but the R needs to be reestablished with both of you on even playing fields. You have been the giver. Don't be her friend, don't be her confidante don't talk about anything emotional.

 

If things work out that you continue to see her again be the guy that you would be on a first date with a "new" woman. And if you happen to see or talk to her, be so friggin happy and upbeat that she can't stand it.

 

This I know, she's gotta be nuts not to like a guy who is soooo very crazy for her! Good Luck Rocket!

[norajane]

Of course you can't be friends with her. Look at what one dinky text and half-assed phone message has done to you! It's sent you into a tailspin where you're wondering if you should take her back, and she's not even done anything to merit being taken back, nor has she told you she wants to come back!

 

She was using you, plain and simple. It was VDay, she was probably feeling a little lonely, and wanted the ego boost of talking to you because she knows how you feel about her.

 

You said she needed to do some major apologizing and ass-kissing if she wanted to come back, and yet, she's done none of that and you're spiraling into thoughts of whether you could be happy together. Don't let her do this to you. Stay strong, stay away from contact with her, and HEAL, so you can eventually be with someone who doesn't rip out your heart and then try to use you to build up her own ego.

[RocketMan2]

Thank you so much everyone! I just reread the whole thread, it really helped

 

This I know, she's gotta be nuts not to like a guy who is soooo very crazy for her! Good Luck Rocket!

 

That really made me smile, thankyou

 

She was using you, plain and simple.

Don't let her do this to you. Stay strong, stay away from contact with her, and HEAL, so you can eventually be with someone who doesn't rip out your heart and then try to use you to build up her own ego.

Harsh, but fair. I think I needed that.

 

It was VDay, she was probably feeling a little lonely, and wanted the ego boost of talking to you because she knows how you feel about her.

You know, that really is the thing. I dont think she does know how i feel. She never understood how i was feeling when i was right in front of her eyes, so I've no belief that she has ANY idea how im feeling right now. She doesnt even think shes done anything wrong, the stuff she does is innocent and naive, she wouldn't be malicious im sure of that.

Immaturity at the end of the day.

 

Like she said to me, i wish i'd met her in a few years time.

 

 

Rocket

[whichwayisup]

I know i know.

 

Thanks for the telling!

 

The only thing thats bugging me is what if she is wanting to try again? I have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

How do I intice her to let me know this, without giving her the 'ego boost' if that is indeed her intention?

 

She needs to just come out and say "i want to try again, lets talk", but i know thats unrealistic. What do i do?

 

 

Rocket

 

So, let her contact you again, either by phone, email or text messaging...And, you do what you did the other day. Don't reply!! Your silence is her answer.....The less she knows about you, your thoughts, your life, the better.

 

if she by chance DOES ask for a second chance, say NO. With your silence. What she did to you, how she treated you in the recent past isn't worth trying to fix. It won't work, and people don't change overnight, let alone change at all unless they really want to....She's feeling out the situation, seeing if you're pissed at her. I bet it bugs her that you're not responding the way she wants you to. Can we say EGO feed for her??? Keep on with the silence!

 

Shes not going to have changed sufficiently is she, lets be honest.

 

Why is she contacting me?

 

How did you guys read the tone of "guess not, well hopefully we'll talk soon"

 

miinddddd gammmesssss :'(

 

Now I'm sat here waiting for 'soon'. When's it gonna be? Is she gonna be texting me again? I thought VD would be an end to this all and let me relax, knowing there are no future events giving reason for contact. Now im all worked up again

 

Rocket

 

See, this is why NC is so important for you. You need to let go, not care what she does/thinks or says. One day soon (I hope) NOTHING will affect you when it comes to her.

 

Yeah I agree that she was probably feeling down, due to her impatience in the lack of time between her text and call, and text.

 

I don't even know what I feel any more. I cant see that we could get back together. I cant see how it would ever work, how either of us could ever truly be happy.

 

Whats the need for her to wind me up?

 

If she contacts me again and its nothing spectacular i was planning on just telling her that I cant be friends with her because of how i feel. Is that a bad move?

 

 

Rocket

 

Yes, it's a bad move! Your silence is telling her all she needs to know. You're not interested in her.

 

And, even if she were to say sorry and mean it, she would need to back it all up with ACTION! Don't think she's capable of that. I think you know that too.

 

She wants maybe a casual friendship on HER terms. DO NOT DO THAT! Stay silent buddy!

[CaliGuy]

I know i know.

 

Do you? Let's see

 

The only thing thats bugging me is what if she is wanting to try again? I have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

You are far, far from over her. And you don't yet understand how NC is oh-so good for you right now. Being around her to you is like a drug. It's sitting there, a phone call away. You know if you talk to her, you'll get your fix. Only much like heroin addiction, you feel good for a minute or two, then you feel like absolute dog-crap for the next three days (or in your case, even longer). Your "anxiety" to talk to her is based on your inability to let go and tells me you are a far cry from healing. I understand, it takes time.

 

But let me say this again in bold: If she wants you, neither hell nor high water will stop her from finding you and letting you know. That means if you ignore her calls and she doesn't call back, she isn't ready to start talking about reconcilliation. What it means is she was making sure you were still on the hook and at her beck and call, ready to fight for any scrap of attention she drops at your feet. Like a lap dog.

 

Are you her lap dog? Think about that.

 

Your failure to reply to her will do one of two things.

 

It will make her realize that you can't be toyed with and you won't play second fiddle.

OR

It will make her think earnestly about her decision and while she stews on it, she will decide if she really loves you or not.

 

Either way if you break NC, you go back to square one (the resulting pain from injecting yourself with an overdose) and you let her know that you will be there, much like a dog, when she whistles for you.

 

She won't miss you ever unless you go away.

 

How do I intice her to let me know this, without giving her the 'ego boost' if that is indeed her intention?

 

You don't. Period. NC is your statement to her that you will not accept being plan B in her life. It's all or nothing.

 

She needs to just come out and say "i want to try again, lets talk", but i know thats unrealistic. What do i do?

 

You live your life as if she is not coming back. And if she does come to you and say "I want to try again" then you will be in a much better place in your life when/if that happens to decide if that is the best course of action - FOR YOU, not for her.

 

Have I made myself clear?

[polywog]

Yes, everyone is giving you Great advice! I just want to keep adding my support, tell you that she may keep yanking the leash to see if you're still wearing the collar, and just let her. Chances are she will keep testing you, and I just want to see you stay strong.

 

You're getting the best posters here, giving the best support!

 

:bunny: :bunny:

[lovelorcet]

Yes, everyone is giving you Great advice! I just want to keep adding my support, tell you that she may keep yanking the leash to see if you're still wearing the collar, and just let her. Chances are she will keep testing you, and I just want to see you stay strong.

 

You're getting the best posters here, giving the best support!

 

:bunny: :bunny:

 

Seriously Rocketman!

 

Listen to these people, I was more or less in the same place about a year ago and I was getting kicked in the balls all the time by having to deal with my Ex. I listened to some of these very same people posting here and got myself back together. They helped me to save a lot of heart ache.

 

Your silence is louder than anything you could ever say or do.

 

Hang in there man!!

[RocketMan2]

Hey Cali,

 

Thanks for your brilliant reply It really kicked me into shape. Thanks to everyone else too for all the fantastic support

 

 

You are far, far from over her. And you don't yet understand how NC is oh-so good for you right now. Being around her to you is like a drug. It's sitting there, a phone call away. You know if you talk to her, you'll get your fix.

 

I understood your point totally, and I agree completely. I would like to say though that I have no desire to contact her. Im not sitting here in turmoil as to whether or not to give her a quick ring or text, ask how shes doing or anything. I'd be content if I could somehow know that id NEVER have any contact with her ever again.

 

Your "anxiety" to talk to her is based on your inability to let go and tells me you are a far cry from healing. I understand, it takes time.

I know I haven't let go yet, but what I have done is realise that I'm not actually holding onto what i thought i was. I can't see any way it could work in reality. Since she text me on VD and made me think there was a glimmer of hope, I've of course been thinking of getting-back-together plans. However, in my musings I've been thinking how things would actaully work. They wont. They cant. I could never feel the same happiness, there would always be the worry in my mind that she secretly wasnt happy, so then id be unhappy, we'd both not trust each other not to stray.. etc etc.

 

So my point? Im glad she text me. It upset me in the short term, but long term its kicked me onto the next stage of healing. Im actually realising it wouldnt work, so im stopping yurning for it.

 

But let me say this again in bold: If she wants you, neither hell nor high water will stop her from finding you and letting you know. That means if you ignore her calls and she doesn't call back, she isn't ready to start talking about reconcilliation. What it means is she was making sure you were still on the hook and at her beck and call, ready to fight for any scrap of attention she drops at your feet. Like a lap dog.

 

Are you her lap dog? Think about that.

 

Your failure to reply to her will do one of two things.

 

It will make her realize that you can't be toyed with and you won't play second fiddle.

OR

It will make her think earnestly about her decision and while she stews on it, she will decide if she really loves you or not.

I can see that shes still trying to walk all over me. As shocked said, the attempted guilt trip/sarcasm in her 2nd text just shows me how immature she is. "guess not.." Is that because shes bitter or annoyed or what?

 

I know that if i'd changed my mind about a decision id made, i'd definately pull out all the stops. But first I might test the water to ease into it. Every time ive had a mini-breakdown about something, ive realised afterwards that you guys were right all along. I cant see it now on this matter, but I'm gonna trust you and go with it

 

Either way if you break NC, you go back to square one (the resulting pain from injecting yourself with an overdose) and you let her know that you will be there, much like a dog, when she whistles for you.

 

She won't miss you ever unless you go away.

 

NC is your statement to her that you will not accept being plan B in her life. It's all or nothing.

Totally. Who knows if shes missed me already? Ive been gone nearly 7 weeks, only the last few though have been real NC, from both sides. Im not reading into it, ill never know so why worry?

 

Edit: I've just had a thought... I think my main worry/problem is that I know she has absolutely no understanding as to how im feeling and how i need NC to heal myself. She will almost certainly think im just ignoring her because my pride is hurt, or that im just being 'mean' back or something. When we do have contact (quite likely to bump into her somewhere) she'll bring up why I havent/dont want to talk to her. What do I say to her that she will understand?

 

Have I made myself clear?

Very

 

I wish there was some reward i could give for all this great advice!

 

Thankyou to everyone.

 

Rocket

[polywog]

Edit: I've just had a thought... I think my main worry/problem is that I know she has absolutely no understanding as to how im feeling and how i need NC to heal myself. She will almost certainly think im just ignoring her because my pride is hurt, or that im just being 'mean' back or something. When we do have contact (quite likely to bump into her somewhere) she'll bring up why I havent/dont want to talk to her. What do I say to her that she will understand?

 

 

It really doesn't matter what she thinks, you don't owe her an explanation, who cares if she understands?

 

I'm sure other posters will have lots to say on this, but my advice is if she asks, just be polite and courteous and say that your understanding is that the relationship is over, you wanted time and distance to move on, and that you've been very busy. I dunno, maybe someone else will have a better idea of what to say.

 

In the meantime, please don't torture yourself with the "what if".

 

Anyhow, you're doing great

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Or how 'bout - "gosh, once the fog cleared I finally realized that we never wanted the same thing - just cutting my losses- no harm, no foul, oh... hold on.... OK gotta take this call. Buh bye!!!!!

[RocketMan2]

It really doesn't matter what she thinks, you don't owe her an explanation, who cares if she understands?

 

I dont want her to understand for her benefit. I dont care if she understands. What i do care about is how she treats me. And while she has no understanding she will continue to hurt me by thinking she can just talk to me like nothings happened or whatever.

 

Maybe i worded it wrong, what i mean is... what do i say to her when im in an inevitable forced contact situation (like a chance encounter in the street or i answer an unknown number and its her) to tell her if she doesnt want me back, to bugger off. I cant make her understand, she isnt capable of it. Shes too immature. What i need is a way to get through to her on her level, something that isnt going to provoke any response at all. Ever.

 

Im going to do my best to never speak to her, but it would just really put my mind to rest, knowing ive got an LS approved message to give her.

 

Rocket

[alasia]

Couldn't you just change your number?

 

The chances of bumping into her in the street are pretty slim, so just chnage your number and she won't be able to contact you.

[Ripples]

RM2, are you wanting her to know that you're doing NC and for what reason, to give her the opportunity to give you the apology and make it up to you?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

OOOO! The unknown number could be fun! Answer it by saying " Hey dollface, can't stop thinking about you! Uh, sorry, look I'm really busy right now!"

[notmakingsense]

Or how 'bout - "gosh, once the fog cleared I finally realized that we never wanted the same thing - just cutting my losses- no harm, no foul, oh... hold on.... OK gotta take this call. Buh bye!!!!!

 

In another thread (or maybe was it this one?) you asked how to act if you ran in to her. In that scenario: Friendly, nice, but busy -- with no time to talk.

 

If she confronts you about your silence, I think that IWWH's response is great! Just tell her that once you were past all the emotion of the break-up, you realized that you were interested in different things and didn't feel like dragging it all up again by talking to her.

 

HOWEVER, you should still do everything that you can to avoid contact with her. After enough time passes, she won't pose this question to you any longer.

[shockandawed]

Rocket,

 

Sounds like you handling this very, very well. Quite proud of you.

 

Heres to a good weekend!!

[RocketMan2]

RM2, are you wanting her to know that you're doing NC and for what reason, to give her the opportunity to give you the apology and make it up to you?

 

 

What i meant was that when the inevitable happens and we somehow have contact (it WILL happen, just trust me on this, no "dont worry about what hasnt happened" answers please), shes likely to have a mardy about me ignoring her. I wanted a bulletproof answer which will go down well in her immature, self-centered, ignorant head, and leave no room for misinterpretation. The only thing she needs to be thinking after it is either, "fair enough" or "i need to make an effort".

I like the suggestions so far, thanks guys

 

Rocket,

 

Sounds like you handling this very, very well. Quite proud of you.

 

Heres to a good weekend!!

 

Thanks It doesnt seem that way from this end though Theres not going to be anything good about the weekend

 

Rocket

[shockandawed]

It should be a great weekend for you, you are doing something you didn't think possible.

 

Quit worrying about what you will say if you ever see her. I GUARANTEE that if I had asked you at any point up to Valentines Day, how would you respond to a text and phone call from her? You would have said you would have personally wet yourself and talked to her as long as possible. There is no way you would have thought you could have ended up handling it the way you did.

 

 

Your sack developed and you didnt even know it. You have more fortitude than you realize. Celebrate that this weekend.

 

I will raise a cocktail toward the east tonight for you! Cheers!!

[guin_girl]

Your sack developed and you didnt even know it. You have more fortitude than you realize. Celebrate that this weekend.

 

LOL... so um "eloquently" stated ....

 

No you are doing great RM2 and you should be celebrating that you stood strong and that you didn't let her mind game get to you... YEA!