Do I have a second chance with her?

[Carl321]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I will try to be as brief as possible: I was in a relationship with “Amy” for 2 years but could not commit to her 100% during that time. I was dating someone else at the same time as well, which Amy knew about, but was constantly upset about. There was a huge imbalance in our feelings: Amy was totally in love with me, but even though I cared about her very much I was conflicted between two women and could not give her what she was looking for.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Things cooled off between us at the beginning of 2006, even though we still hung out often the time and continued a physical relationship. Amy tells me that around that time her constant disappointment with me forced her to fall out of love with me. In September she entered a relationship with one of her long time friends and told me that she wanted to cut off our physical relationship and just be friends. By this time, I had ended things with the other girl and found myself increasingly drawn to Amy again, but by then it seemed too late. I played the needy ex-bf for a few months, tried my best to get her back from the new guy, and then eventually backed away from her—she had told me that she was in love with the new guy. I was devastated that she was gone, but accepted it nonetheless and chalked it up as a learning experience.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Now, it turns out she recently broke it off with the new guy a few weeks ago and is single again. She called me after she broke up with the other guy and was very chipper, and we ended up going to dinner the next night. Dinner was okay—no talk about the other guy, just two friends catching up. No talk of getting back together, but things were upbeat and I played it kind of aloof. I sent her a brief email this morning wishing her a Happy Valentine’s Day, and she responded with the same and said we should hang out again.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I really want another chance to make it work with her. I did hurt her badly the first time around by not giving her what she wanted and needed, so I have that bitterness working against me. But we still get along great and she has consistently emphasized that she wants to always have me as a friend. And I feel like I do legitimately have a second chance with her if I play it right. So this is purely a strategy question: what course of action would give me the best chance of getting her back? She was madly in love with me once, she tells me she still has feelings for me, but obviously not enough to want to get back together right now. I feel like I cannot move on from this girl until I give it one last shot.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Guest]

I can only say this from what I have learned...if you cant go all the way or dont feel like you can give it your best shot, and i dont mean some half assed effort then stop trying to get her back. If you feel that you can do what it takes or give it your best shot. Tell her you have changed ,you want to commit if thats what it will take. Tell her you are sorry that you took her for granted and that you were stupid and have learned your lesson. This is one of those situations where someone has be the bigger person, and my friend its gonna be you only because you didnt want to commit. What you did was not wrong. It was a reflex, but now you know not to freak out when asked for a commitment.

 

I answer this in a positive manner not to be positive but because you dated for 2 years. Her feelings grew for 2 years and they certainly wont dissapear. They will be buried somewhere but they are there. Again do not get her to break out that shovel if you want to see other women because its wrong and its hurtful and your goal is the opposite of that right..remember? Also if you love her..do not hesitate to say it. Women need to hear what you feel and feel what you feel.

 

When you speak to her, speak gently...if she is angry let her be angry but do not reciprocate the anger, if she is sad keep calm but show her you are sad too. Even when you feel you will lose your calm speak in a loving manner..anger and frustration will cause her to shy away. Hold her if she will let you, but do not attempt to kiss her until you have said all those things and once you have said them you will know what to do..you will see it in her eyes. Its always in the eyes (I learn many things about people by always maintaining eye contact).

 

I learned these things from my mother and father, it worked for me and I was probably in much deeper water than you. One last thing, if you decide to use my advice....as a man in the doghouse and under pressure...you will not remember this word for word and may forget a few steps. Think 1)apology, and that you were stupid for taking her for granted, people tend to remember when you apologize and they certainly remember when you do not. 2)tell her you freaked out when you heard the commitment , your sure now, more sure then you have ever been. 3) speak gently, if you raise your voice ..she had better be walking away and you had better be telling her that you love her. 4) no anger....you dont speak that way to someone you respect. 5) this is a most valuable lesson my mother taught me....and it works but it takes some practice but im gonna give it to ya anyway. There are ways to beg without looking like a beggar. Show this with not words but body language...you get the idea...6) be persistant but not pushy 7) if you hit a dead end, thank her for her time and take her home or say goodnight and walk away...do not make any further plans unless she asks (you are worth something).....if anything you said hit paydirt....it will haunt her and she will consider it and will come back.

 

Thats my advice..it worked me...if it works and she comes back do not be a challenge for the time you are together, it should be a relationship of compromise and forgiveness and understanding this is the only way a good relationship will work. Solid partnerships work even through devastating times because both people want it to work..plain and simple even if you give up or get knocked down get back in the game until something greater than life itself stops you. Good luck and only use these methods if you will take care of that girl.

[Carl321]

No one has any thoughts on this? Am i just SOL? I realize I cannot simply convince her to come back, but that she has to want to come back on her own. NC does not seem appropriate in this situation--i think it is more about winning her heart again by hanging out with her and having a good time. She is always willing to hang out with me if i ask, and she calls me now and then to hang out as well.

[Carl321]

Guest: Thanks for your input, it is very helpful and much appreciated. I know you say this worked for you, but i am concerned about bearing my soul to her like that. Telling her how much she means to me, telling her i love her, that i will take care of her--i do truly feel that way. But my concern is that coming out with that makes me look desperate and weak. And i dont see how that will attract her back to me. No doubt she still harbors some feelings for me, but you are right, they are buried beneath the hurt i inflicted. I have already told her several months ago that i am sorry for how i behaved and that i would never take her for granted again, but it did not really change much on her end. I was thinking more along the lines of just hanging out with her and being the fun and confident guy that she fell in love with the first time around. I guess the critical question is which course of action is most likely to bring those feelings for me back to the surface and make her forgive me for what happened.

 

Thanks again.

[Guest]

The way you describe it ..it sounds like you will just be friends if something dramatic is not done. I think my suggestions or just not seeing her will make her think about it. I personally dont think there is desperation in telling someone how you feel. By saying and doing things to make amends your just being a man.

 

If she does care for you then it wont matter as long as you tried..you want to play it safe and think it will pay off big? You can not gain anything in this world without some risk and without some hardship. Like everything else you must earn it....if you want her fight for her...

[Carl321]

Well, i want to avoid the friend zone at all costs--it is either a new relationship or nothing at all with her. Given my feelings for her, anything else is just not a possibility.

 

Perhaps you are right--hanging out with her and just having fun sounds a lot like friends, although my intention was that she would see how much fun i can be and that her attraction to me would increase. Back a few months ago after she became interested in the other guy but before they were together, we went out and had a great time (and she ended up staying over), and she later told me that if every night could be like that, that she would want to be with me. Now that this other guy is out of the picture, i wonder whether trying to have more fun nights like that would be a good way to build up affection and her feelings for me.

 

She called last night and said we should do something this weekend if i am around, but i said "lets just play it by ear" and got off the phone quickly. I am not going to call her. In the near term, i will sit back and let her contact me (which she will at some point in the next week, i am sure). Maybe me not being available to her will cause her to think a bit more about me.