Trusting a writer

[Dharmabum]

I have been living with my boyfriend for a little over a year and recently a strange misunderstanding has caused some trust issues.

 

I am an aspiring writer and so I have inordinate amounts of papers and notebooks laying around the apartment containing stories, poetry, fragments, ideas etc. My writing is not private and my boyfriend is welcome to read any of it if he wishes. I value his input and enjoy sharing what I'm working on with him.

 

Recently, my boyfriend came across a story written by me in the first person about a young woman who has sex with her bisexual male friend after a night out together at a gay club. He was very upset upon reading it as he believed it to be a sort of journal entry.

 

As many writers do, I include "elements of the real" in my fictional stories (the old "write what you know" adage.) I do have a close bisexual friend who I often accompany to gay clubs. The story is based on an encounter my friend had with another woman (he gave me permission to build a story around his personal experience.)

 

My boyfriend knows this friend of mine and the three of us often hang out together, so there is nothing secretive about the friendship. Also, the story was in a pile with some of my other writing - it's not as if it were hidden away in my underwear drawer.

 

I have never cheated on my boyfriend, nor do I have sexual fantasies about my friend. I often write in the first person because of my preference for that point of view. Theoretically, there are several stories I have written that could be misconstrued as personal accounts because of that perspective, and also because I use real events and people I know to develop stories and characters around.

 

I have explained all of this to my boyfriend. He believes me, but now there is some tension between us. My boyfriend does not write, and I think it is difficult for him to understand the way I can interchange truth and fiction in my stories or take on different persona's in the narration. How do I help him to understand this? I fear the possibility of my boyfriend driving himself crazy by over analyzing my writing and questionning reality vs. my imagination. Please help!

[Bill]

Actions speak louder than words, but a picture is worth a thousand words.

 

He is having trouble determining which is worth more. If these types of things bother him, I can see why. How would you like to read a paper about him writing in the first person having sex with some female? Just don't write stories like that, as he has access to them.

 

My ex-girlfriend was a writter as well. It also made her have an easier time lying to me. She could make stories up in a heartbeat. I'm not saying you are lying, I am just saying that you are conveying stories easily... it may show dishonesty to him as well. How can he tell the truth from what you say and what is written on paper?

 

My advice: Don't write stories that have connotations of sexual ideas in the first person.

[Tony T]

Many people do not possess the maturity to have the elasticity of thought to understand your writing perspectives. Your boyfriend is one of them.

 

His only choice is to trust that this is a story, created by you for artistic purposes only, and that's that. If he can't do that, then the two of you have a problem. If you are going to leave stuff around for your boyfriend to freely read without you being there to give preambles or to explain it to him, then you will always face the possibility of his misinterpretation.

 

People on the planet who have the depth of understanding to immediately grasp various thought and action processes correctly are very much in the minority. Accept your boyfriend just as he is. However, if you cannot communicate effectively enough with him that you are able to remove the tension which now exists, you need to think about finding another boyfriend.

 

Life is very short and you can't have a partner around who's going to make a big deal of stuff like this. It's very obvious that if there's some tension, then he hasn't fully let go of this matter.

 

Perhaps he just has a little growing up to do...or perhaps he will always be this way. Maybe what you need to do is come to an understanding with him that he will never, ever make judgements about your writing except when asked for his opinion.

[HokeyReligions]

It can be very difficult for someone who doesn't deal with the nitty gritty of the development to really understand the process. On the other hand, it can be somewhat demoralizing for someone to read these things and have doubts or questions about your story being true. Look at it as a compliment to your writing!

 

However, I think a compromise has to be made so that you are both comfortable. Perhaps keeping your stories where he doesn't have such free access to them, or maybe writing a story about something that actually involved him - so that he recognized the truth inside the story. He may be able to understand better how a writer can weave a story and include real events or people into it in such a way that the reader cannot distinguish where the truth ends and the story begins. Sometimes an example is better than an explanation.

 

Like Tony said - it may be immaturity on his part and you just have to be mature enough to understand that and accept it and be sensitive to his feelings too. Security in a relationship takes time and compromise and hard work -- all fueled by love and understanding and compassion.

 

Good Luck!

[pinkroses]

and I too have stories and notebooks, ideas, poems, etc. in folders at home. I've been living with my b/f for six months now (we've been together a year and 6 months, but only living together six months). I also keep old notes from problems from my past about abuse and parenting and other self-help issues. I keep these in a notebook and my self-help books in drawers. Not hidden, but not out for casual viewing either. I am also a diary-keeper. My b/f is not the nosey type and as far as I know he's never even glanced at any of my stuff. However, I don't feel wise keeping anything so personal and full of true events as a diary at home so I keep those types of writings in a specific place I know they won't be found. When I travel to my home state, I drop them off in a box there, where they all stay, in a relative's closet. There are some things you just can't risk your s/o seeing without jeopardizing the relationship. However, you have a right to write your thoughts and feelings. My suggestion would be to keep the more personal stories put away in a folder or drawer where only you know where they are. This story your boyfriend found just naturally sounded close to home and familiar, I can understand him thinking it might be true, especially since it was written in the first person. It probably looked more like a diary entry than a story. The fact that this bisexual friend is a part of your lives only further serves to make him think it's true. Writing is a touchy subject, I ran into that problem with my ex-husband. He once found and read some of my diary. It's a betrayal to the writer for someone to rummage through our stuff, yet it's also a risk to the relationship if we aren't discreet.

 

You've told your b/f the truth, so that's all you can do. I'd suggest just trying to keep things you don't think he can handle seeing put away, and hopefully in time he'll get over it.