Thanks, Dad.

[johan]

How do you get past the fundamental beliefs you have about yourself that were given to you by your parents when you were small?

 

I think it's often a cop out, cliche, pop psychology ploy to blame every problem you have on your parents. I've heard of people who have been in therapy for years, and just wonder if they've achieved anything at all. And I know people who are always looking for someone to blame for how their lives are. I know people who rush to the medicine cabinet for quick fixes.

 

But I don't want to blame anyone as if I could shift the burden of fixing this to someone else. When you're an adult, then it's your problem to fix. It doesn't matter anymore what Dad has to say.

 

When you know that a parent is and always was disappointed in you. When you know that you never really measured up, and you remember so many instances where you could have proven yourself but failed. When you can't really remember any times when you impressed them, and there is no bragging about you. Even when you really have achieved things in life.

 

And when you've always shared that disappointment, how do you ever get rid of it? You could rationalize it and look at yourself objectively, but that doesn't change those fundamental beliefs you've been carrying with you since you formed your identity.

 

It would be sad to think that it's impossible. But the fact remains that who you've always been adds up to who you are now in the eyes of your family. You can't go back and re-live your life and alter what happened. The time for proving yourself has passed.

 

I can't be a kid again and get that spark of pride in my dad's eye anymore. I have my own life to live, and that takes all my time. And it's what others think that needs to be my priority. I had my chance to become a man. Now I just am one, and for better or worse, the man I am is based on what I did when I came of age. That only happens once.

 

You're supposed to become an ever better person as you age. You're supposed to learn and overcome things. Any rut you find yourself in now is just going to limit you later on. I don't need self-doubt. I don't really have time to believe bad things about myself. I don't need to live like a hermit and wonder if people see what he saw in me. I seem to do that a lot lately.

 

People who don't really know me really like me. They think I'm smart and funny and cute. They even seem to think that I must live a very exciting life. But I don't. They respect what they see and hear from me on the surface, especially in a public setting, even more in a professional setting. But under the surface, when things get personal, I've got nothing to offer. Not as long as I'm just a disappointment. I'll keep them far away, and I'll cut them off. I'll avoid them and do what I want to do on my own.

 

I'm facing a life of solitude with random episodes of closeness with people who I don't really choose. I can't figure out what messages I need to give myself that will fix what I believe.

[magichands]

When you know that a parent is and always was disappointed in you. When you know that you never really measured up, and you remember so many instances where you could have proven yourself but failed. When you can't really remember any times when you impressed them, and there is no bragging about you. Even when you really have achieved things in life.

You need to start living your life for yourself, dude.

 

I never asked to be born. Likewise, my mum says she never expects anything from her kids. Just get out there, and make your skidmark on the world. OK, maybe that was a bad choice of words.

 

You have hopes, and dreams. You're no different to any of us. Now forge ahead, and sabotage them.

[magichands]

PS: You could try being a little less anal, and a little less introspective. I'm just saying.

[Storyrider]

Philip Larkin

This Be the Verse

 

 

They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

 

But they were f*cked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

 

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

[tinktronik]

You need to start living your life for yourself, dude.

 

I never asked to be born. Likewise, my mum says she never expects anything from her kids. Just get out there, and make your skidmark on the world. OK, maybe that was a bad choice of words.

 

You have hopes, and dreams. You're no different to any of us. Now forge ahead, and sabotage them.

That was actually great advice . I guess Im doing better than I thought , sabotaging my dreams . Glad somebody finnally told me I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be .

[magichands]

Great post, Storyrider. But you didn't mention your breasts. Maybe next time.

[tinktronik]

PS: You could try being a little less anal, and a little less introspective. I'm just saying.

Introspective can be a little sexy . Play nice. MH.

[johan]

I don't know why this has been on my mind lately. Actually it's not a big mystery. But you're right, magichands. At least partially. I do live my life for myself. That was never a question. I've just been kind of stalled and wondering why.

[magichands]

But you're right, magichands. At least partially.

You see, I'm sick of being partially right. F*cking sick of it. Why can't I be plain old unadulterated right once in a while?!

 

Anyway, you can see that you're not the only one with problems. F*ck.

[johan]

Anyway, you can see that you're not the only one with problems. F*ck.

 

Yes, I can see now that others have problems. And seeing that has fixed mine. Thanks! F*ck.

[magichands]

Yes, I can see now that others have problems. And seeing that has fixed mine.

True. That was pissweak. Sorry.

[RecordProducer]

I think it's often a cop out, cliche, pop psychology ploy to blame every problem you have on your parents.

I don't know anyone who does this. The last time I checked, people were blaming ME for my kids' mistakes (not going to bed on time and stuff like that). Make kids and you'll get over your parents.

 

When you know that a parent is and always was disappointed in you.

I can't relate to this, but I've hear dof people whose lives were f*cked up, cuz their parents gave them sh*t when they were young. Auto-suggestion works well for me in various areas so I highly recommend that you tell yourself every day until it become second nature that you're good and your father's opinion doesn't define you and doesn't matter. Anyone who can inject in his own's son's mind that he is a disappointment for his father is an emotionally defective person. And defective people's opinions don't count.

 

 

And when you've always shared that disappointment, how do you ever get rid of it? You could rationalize it and look at yourself objectively, but that doesn't change those fundamental beliefs you've been carrying with you since you formed your identity.

Active auto-suggestion: take 3 times a day with food for 6 months. It will cure you.

 

I can't be a kid again and get that spark of pride in my dad's eye anymore.

You're onlt responsible for yourself, not for HIS pride and spark in his eye. To the hell with his spark.

 

You're supposed to become an ever better person as you age.

You ARE becoming better, but the better you become the more you realize how sh*tty you are. Of course, except if you're my husband, who is an example of perfection in every way... the more he ages the more he realizes that.

 

I don't need to live like a hermit and wonder if people see what he saw in me. I seem to do that a lot lately.

 

People who don't really know me really like me. They think I'm smart and funny and cute.

YOU should like yourself. And the people you care about. You need to discard the opinions of those who don't matter or put you down.

 

But under the surface, when things get personal, I've got nothing to offer. Not as long as I'm just a disappointment. I'll keep them far away, and I'll cut them off. I'll avoid them and do what I want to do on my own.

This is your father talking through you. Concentrate on what your cats think of you: I bet they love you.

[dropdeadlegs]

How do you get past the fundamental beliefs you have about yourself that were given to you by your parents when you were small?

 

I think it's often a cop out, cliche, pop psychology ploy to blame every problem you have on your parents. I've heard of people who have been in therapy for years, and just wonder if they've achieved anything at all. And I know people who are always looking for someone to blame for how their lives are. I know people who rush to the medicine cabinet for quick fixes.

 

But I don't want to blame anyone as if I could shift the burden of fixing this to someone else. When you're an adult, then it's your problem to fix. It doesn't matter anymore what Dad has to say.

 

When you know that a parent is and always was disappointed in you. When you know that you never really measured up, and you remember so many instances where you could have proven yourself but failed. When you can't really remember any times when you impressed them, and there is no bragging about you. Even when you really have achieved things in life.

 

And when you've always shared that disappointment, how do you ever get rid of it? You could rationalize it and look at yourself objectively, but that doesn't change those fundamental beliefs you've been carrying with you since you formed your identity.

 

It would be sad to think that it's impossible. But the fact remains that who you've always been adds up to who you are now in the eyes of your family. You can't go back and re-live your life and alter what happened. The time for proving yourself has passed.

 

I can't be a kid again and get that spark of pride in my dad's eye anymore. I have my own life to live, and that takes all my time. And it's what others think that needs to be my priority. I had my chance to become a man. Now I just am one, and for better or worse, the man I am is based on what I did when I came of age. That only happens once.

 

You're supposed to become an ever better person as you age. You're supposed to learn and overcome things. Any rut you find yourself in now is just going to limit you later on. I don't need self-doubt. I don't really have time to believe bad things about myself. I don't need to live like a hermit and wonder if people see what he saw in me. I seem to do that a lot lately.

 

People who don't really know me really like me. They think I'm smart and funny and cute. They even seem to think that I must live a very exciting life. But I don't. They respect what they see and hear from me on the surface, especially in a public setting, even more in a professional setting. But under the surface, when things get personal, I've got nothing to offer. Not as long as I'm just a disappointment. I'll keep them far away, and I'll cut them off. I'll avoid them and do what I want to do on my own.

 

I'm facing a life of solitude with random episodes of closeness with people who I don't really choose. I can't figure out what messages I need to give myself that will fix what I believe.

Johan,

I don't know you and I like you. This post has so much information that I may have to think about it a lot and multipost my thoughts and observations.

 

I think what has helped me the most in overcoming the disappointment I have brought to my parents is turning the tables on the situation. No, I wasn't the perfect child and could have done so many things differently and, in effect, better. My parents weren't perfect either. They have many faults and made many mistakes in my upbringing. I don't blame them, either, but a child can only grow up in as positive a fashion as those they learn from. I have consciously made choices in raising my own kids that were very different from my upbringing. I am physically and verbally affectionate towards them for one thing. That was something I did not experience and it cause me to act out in defiance often.

 

I'm having trouble expressing my thoughts in a concise way. What I am trying to get through to you for your situation is that if you could look at your father and see that HE was wrong in not encouraging and acknowledging your accomplishments that it is HIS problem, not yours. It can be empowering to take the blame off yourself to an extent that allows you to grow in areas you feel stunted in. His opinion of you then, and now, may simply be distorted and WRONG. You can't change him or the past, but you can view it in a different way.

 

I don't mean to blame him in the cop-out way you mentioned, but to recognize that he is flawed in his thinking and go about your life with that knowledge and acceptance. It just takes the beating yourself up about it off the table.

 

I love my Dad, but I was, and still am in some ways, warped in ways that he probably doesn't even see as having anything to do with him and my upbringing. I don't see him often due to geographical distance, but when I do, I try to put up with his crap and just roll my eyes when he's not around. It's easier to live your life without the constant presence of a parent that isn't always encouraging and often seems to view you as an idiot. We get along much better with the miles between us because I don't have regular reminders of how it's his way or no way.

 

I don't know if I'm making any sense or if you are already doing something like this. As many times as you "remember so many instances where you could have proven yourself but failed" I bet you could remember as many times when you did well and weren't given a pat on the back for doing so. Try to keep it all in perspective.

[magichands]

Wow. Great posts. Especially mine.

[bluetuesday]

yo johan.

 

a great post. you're getting down to the root of a lot of crap with that one and i understand exactly what you're saying. i think i'll take it a bit at a time.

 

How do you get past the fundamental beliefs you have about yourself that were given to you by your parents when you were small?

 

first off, it's entirely possible to get past anything.

 

imagine yourself, not as a new born baby, but as a blank sheet of paper. you came into this world with limitless possibilities open to you and gradually as you grew and absorbed other people's influence, that nice blank piece of paper got scribbled on with other people's ideas of what you were capable of, of the sort of person you were, of what you couldn't do. at first it was your parents who did the scribbling, and when you got older, you joined in, reinforcing the beliefs that had now taken hold.

 

when you look at yourself now, you see all the indellible scribbles and there's very little blank paper left, just enough maybe so you feel trapped in one corner of the page of your life, unable to make your way through and start picking the scribbles apart. you are now fully formed as a person who believes that the content on the paper is the real johan.

 

now the truth of the situation is that any person can choose at any moment who they want to be. i don't mean you can choose you want to wake up as george clooney, i mean you can choose your response to every situation. most people continue to make the choices they have always done, because they allow their scribbles to define them. these are the people who blame other people for the way their lives turned out and they probably genuinely think they can do nothing about their situation - which is true while they won't take responsibility for it.

 

but there are a few who begin to see past the mess of tangled ink and start wondering if there isn't more. they start to question their scribbles and wonder if, and how, they could ever erase them.

 

here is the truth. you were never just a blank sheet of paper. that paper was always covered in a clear sheet of film, like an OHP transparency. yes, you look at yourself and you see a sheet of paper in a mess so you don't know where to begin unravelling it. but what if someone told you it was possible to just remove the film? that unravelling was a pointless exercise?

 

everything that has been done to you is like scribbles on a film. the real you remains unaffected beneath a thick layer or other people's expectations and limitations and your own acceptance of them. johan, the person you truly are remains unaffected beneath all this. you need to start separating the reality of who you are from the lies you have accepted, that is all. you are STILL a person who can be anything he wants to be. it is possible to rise above other people's ideas of what your life should be. it is possible to get to the stage pretty quickly where you don't push people away because there is nothing inside and you don't want them to figure that out.

 

the reality is that there is nothing OUTSIDE. everything bad you think about yourself, every regret, every limitation you think you have, is just an idea in your mind. it has no basis in reality unless you allow it to be real.

 

i'm talking about choices. you have the power to make new choices that will remove what other people think and what you have come to believe, and to make new choices that redefine you in any positive way you choose.

 

i have written this entire thing because of the last line of your post, which tells me you have an understanding that the messages you give yourself are the key to your happiness. you are absolutely right and i'll write more about this soon.

[RecordProducer]

Wow. Great posts. Especially mine.

:lmao: MH, I love your sense of humor. U R da best!

[RecordProducer]

the real you remains unaffected beneath a thick layer or other people's expectations and limitations and your own acceptance of them.

Great thought. And it made me realize why I don't always find acceptance in people - because I don't wear the film, I don't play their game, I am always myself, and it's hard to be yourself in this cruel world, where everyone wants you to be like them.

[Motor35]

Well said, everyone. Read the book "The Empty Heart."

[a4a]

:lmao: MH, I love your sense of humor. U R da best!

 

careful if you start feeding him, he may never leave your front porch......

 

Johan..... you got two lives...... one you are given..... one you make.

 

You are completely in charge of the one you decide to make. Maybe you are avoiding that responsibility?????

[quankanne]

now the truth of the situation is that any person can choose at any moment who they want to be … i mean you can choose your response to every situation. most people continue to make the choices they have always done, because they allow their scribbles to define them … they won't take responsibility for (their own lives).

 

this is so true: until we make that conscious decision to say "feck to all, I'm gonna be ME," we live miserable lives trying to live up to everyone's definition of us. Mind you, some of those things are positive – be a good and kind person, don't hurt people intentional, carry yourself in a respectful manners, help little old people and critters in need – and are worthy of being retained as you reinvent yourself.

 

the rest, which are identities and roles forced upon you by others who want you in a fixed spot so they can make sense of THEIR lives, is bullshxt. Shake off what you don't want but keep those things that make you a better person. You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations but your own, and if you create a harmonious balance between those good things your folks tried to instill in you with the man or woman you want to be, you live more at peace with yourself.

 

family is hard because they're supposed to love you, but they don't hold the definitive answers for your life. The most they can do is offer input that you are free to reject. Even when it comes from parents. Don't let their disappointments become yours when those expectations never were realistic to begin with.

[magichands]

You are completely in charge of the one you decide to make.

:lmao:

 

Ummm. No. I'm not sure what fantasy world you are living in, but I want to apply.

 

There are certainly a portion of things that we have control over. Knowing (and understanding) what you can - and what you can't - is the key to a happy life.

[lonelybird]

How do you get past the fundamental beliefs you have about yourself that were given to you by your parents when you were small?

 

I think it's often a cop out, cliche, pop psychology ploy to blame every problem you have on your parents. I've heard of people who have been in therapy for years, and just wonder if they've achieved anything at all. And I know people who are always looking for someone to blame for how their lives are. I know people who rush to the medicine cabinet for quick fixes.

 

But I don't want to blame anyone as if I could shift the burden of fixing this to someone else. When you're an adult, then it's your problem to fix. It doesn't matter anymore what Dad has to say.

 

When you know that a parent is and always was disappointed in you. When you know that you never really measured up, and you remember so many instances where you could have proven yourself but failed. When you can't really remember any times when you impressed them, and there is no bragging about you. Even when you really have achieved things in life.

 

And when you've always shared that disappointment, how do you ever get rid of it? You could rationalize it and look at yourself objectively, but that doesn't change those fundamental beliefs you've been carrying with you since you formed your identity.

 

It would be sad to think that it's impossible. But the fact remains that who you've always been adds up to who you are now in the eyes of your family. You can't go back and re-live your life and alter what happened. The time for proving yourself has passed.

 

I can't be a kid again and get that spark of pride in my dad's eye anymore. I have my own life to live, and that takes all my time. And it's what others think that needs to be my priority. I had my chance to become a man. Now I just am one, and for better or worse, the man I am is based on what I did when I came of age. That only happens once.

 

You're supposed to become an ever better person as you age. You're supposed to learn and overcome things. Any rut you find yourself in now is just going to limit you later on. I don't need self-doubt. I don't really have time to believe bad things about myself. I don't need to live like a hermit and wonder if people see what he saw in me. I seem to do that a lot lately.

 

People who don't really know me really like me. They think I'm smart and funny and cute. They even seem to think that I must live a very exciting life. But I don't. They respect what they see and hear from me on the surface, especially in a public setting, even more in a professional setting. But under the surface, when things get personal, I've got nothing to offer. Not as long as I'm just a disappointment. I'll keep them far away, and I'll cut them off. I'll avoid them and do what I want to do on my own.

 

I'm facing a life of solitude with random episodes of closeness with people who I don't really choose. I can't figure out what messages I need to give myself that will fix what I believe.

I understand what you feel. My mother is a very bossy woman (sorry ma:p ), she wanted to control everything about me since I was born. then when I was teenager, I just hated her so much that did everything opposite of her will. they have so much expectation on me, and constantly reminded me that I did not achieve the goal they have for me, for a long time I could not understand why they just want to put me down, I could have a good life if they don't use those negative ideas bother me. then later I realized they are parents, but they are not perfect. they love me but don't know how to do sometimes.

 

From your post, I can see your father love you very much. but maybe he didn't know how to show his love for you? His expectation is like he drawed a square, then hope you fit into that square. suppose you are globe, and perfect in globe shape, and the most important purpose of your life in this world is to complete the globe shape God intent you to be. but now you are trying to fit into the square. This is a bondage which you can break it.

one day a wise man said a parable. There is a half of glass water. that doesn't mean the glass is half empty, that means half is water and another half is full of air. Now in your heart there are some negative things and positive things. the more we fill with positive things in our heart, the less negative things are. You are really talented guy, and please don't feed negative things in the past in your heart any more. others opinion about you isn't important, important thing is you are God's creation, and you have special talents that nobody in this world can match. when you ignore others opinions, and do your best, they will change the opinions before they had. you lead people's opinion not people's opinion lead you. YOu and everyone have unlimited potential

[magichands]

they love me but don't know how to do sometimes.

Now that is so true. That has gone right up my flagpole, and I'm saluting.

 

Quote of the century. Quote of this thread, anyway.

[lonelybird]

Now that is so true. That has gone right up my flagpole, and I'm saluting.

 

Quote of the century. Quote of this thread, anyway.

Thank you for your compliment, anyway

[Ripples]

Johan, if you want some thing concrete to do to help you past this, try CBT. I've found 'Feeling Good' by David D Burns (on BO's recommendation) to be very helpful.