another sexless thread

[lostinseattle]

here goes .. my husband and i have been married for over a year but have been together for 7. there were issues from the get go. an age difference, he is a cancer survivor, i had a failed marriage, this is his first, i had no father figure. he was living with his dad as roommates when i met him. he was raised by his father. after we dated for a year he and his dad moved into their respective girlfriends apartments.

 

the first year was rough. he wasnt honest with his parents about my age but eventually decided that he was living for himself and not them and we stayed together.

 

our sex life began rocky. mainly because he has testicular cancer and one testes was removed. he was nervous and i believe ashamed. it did not bother me in the least and after a few months all was normal in the bedroom. i am only the second person he has had sex with. i had been married before. we are both submissive types which also created some real issues. neither wants to initiate, but i am generally the one that would.

 

now the real issue - my husband is a full-time student and i work fulltime. i am responsible for all the bills, the mortgage payment, two car insurances, two cell phones, creditcards, and everything else. it all falls on my shoulders. he works a part-time job that only pays for his gas back and forth to school and meals at school. i have been doing this for almost 6 years. he is finishing school this may.

 

for the last two years are sex life has been non-existent -- on my part. he has desire but i lost mine. i thought it was my labido and tried prescription drugs for female enhancement but to no avail. when he would initiate sex it would take me quite a while to 'get into it' and i would more then likely have to have a few cocktails before i could become relaxed and participate. many times i would say to myself "if i have a few drinks i can do this." not healthy! i realize this. i began to see that i was POSSIBLY becoming unattracted to my husband. which is odd because i do find him to be very attractive but didnt want to have sex. what i find attractive about him is his mind. he is incredibly intelligent. we have the same philosophies about life, being childrenless, religion, politics .. everything .. same. he is a very laid back guy who is mild spoken, great listener and helps with the home the best he can with his school and work schedule.

 

there just isnt any sex.

 

a few months ago i was layed off lost my job and the magnitude of responsibilites for finances was squarely on my shoulders and i was beginning to feel resentful. the physical side of our relationship deteriated rapidly after i lost my job as i was the soul provider for our home, bills in a two person home. the stress and resentment was definitely a factor in what i deemed a loss of respect for him to watch me struggle to maintain our home finances souly.

 

two months ago my mom was visiting and made the suggestion that i go find out if it is, in fact, my labido. please dont trash my mom -- she really is a smart lady who keeps it real in every sense when it comes to relationships.

 

i went to visit a friend ive known for 5 years .. and it was an incredible sexual experience. hot, raw, just amazing. so i realized it wasn't my labido at all! i have always been an insatiable sexual being. i realized i was taking all that medication for nought. my friend pointed out that for the past 5 years he noticed i had changed my physical appearance and had 'conformed' to a more settled, married, conservative lifestyle that satisfied my husbands family. i then began to go back to an appearance that was more "me". i was finding myself again after years of conformity and not knowing who that was looking back at me in the mirror. my husband is more conservative then i am and i wanted to make his family happy by becoming more conservative myself but by doing so i lost myself. now i am coming back.

 

we are a young couple living in seperate bedrooms now. i want to seperate and leave our home and allow us both to have rounded, sexual relationships and not postpone the enivitable. he deserves a loving partner as i do. the hardest part of this is he is my bestfriend who i can have deep level conversations with on a intellectual level. i am in agony. hes is being a real champ through all of this and although he is heartbroken and sad he is realistic that this is not living. i look at him and cry knowing i am losing my bestfriend who i will miss beyond words.

 

the old adage "when the sex is gone, the relationship is over" resonates with me daily. i have so much guilt but no regrets. i pray i am making the right decision. for whatever reason when we met we needed each other on some level. now i feel i am releasing a bird into the wild to finally take care of themselves and stand on their own two feet which he has never done.

 

thank you in advance to anyone who made it to this final line.

[magichands]

i have so much guilt but no regrets. i pray i am making the right decision. for whatever reason when we met we needed each other on some level.

It sounds like you have come to a decision, then. Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for.

[RecordProducer]

two months ago my mom was visiting and made the suggestion that i go find out if it is, in fact, my labido.

................

i went to visit a friend ive known for 5 years .. and it was an incredible sexual experience. hot, raw, just amazing. so i realized it wasn't my labido at all!

:laugh: This was fantastic!

 

You don't have to lose a best friend - you can always be friends.

Sounds like you've made a good decision.

[lostinseattle]

:laugh: This was fantastic!

 

You don't have to lose a best friend - you can always be friends.

Sounds like you've made a good decision.

 

she's foreign .. hahah .. so her sensibility regarding love and life differ from the 'norm'.

 

you are right. i don't have to lose my friend. im just ridden with guilt at the moment. i know he will be fine as well. its just getting over this hurdle that is so hard .. and he is heartbroken.