Someone knock some sense into me!

[alasia]

Ok I need CaliGuy, or Lorr, or Kamille...or anyone who's going to talk straight to me here!

 

Won't go into details but ended up talking to my ex last night. The basics of the conversation were:

 

1 - He wants me to leave him alone, he feels like I'm always 'there' and

he can't get on with his life (why would I be stopping him doing that?)

 

2 - He doesn't have any feelings for me.

When he said on Monday that he did and that he missed me

sometimes, and that said feelings were more than just 'friend-type's

ones, he was lying (for whatever reason)

Same goes for when he said he was bothered that I'm seeing Steve

and said "see? that proves I stil have some feelings left for you".

 

3 - He only slept with me on Sunday because he pitied me

 

4 - I'm a horrible person, and it bothers him when I make 'snide comments'. I asked which ones,and he said "ooh...I'm going out with Steve on Saturday!" (I've mentioned that once; why does it bother him that much that he keeps brigning it up?!)

 

5 - He never wants me to stay over at his place ever again, and may change his shifts so he doesn't have to see me.

 

6 - He still wants a DNA test when the baby's born despite the fact he's the only person I've ever slept with, and at the moment he doesn't have any feelings towards his unborn child - but says "I will have feelings when it's born - until then leave me be".

 

7 - He never considered giving things another go because we wouldn't work - too much water under the bridge, his family hates me and mine hate him, we argued too much and none of that would change.

 

8 - he's annoyed that I keep telling his family/friends whenever we have sex (not in a malicious way, but if they're saying I've had no encouragmenet so why do I keep in touch, I tell them that he was happy to sleep with me...). I dson't see why he has to lie to them - on Sunday he said "you'll tell them, I know you will" and I said I wouldn't. I did. But that was because my ex's brother inlaw had asked why I was round there, and I told him the whole story.

 

So after all that (which I did take in and believe; I'm not deluding myself) why am I still hoping that with a few weeks/months of NC, he'll start to miss me and either want me back, or we can become friends?!

 

Is there something wrong with me?!

[MotherGooze]

Can't you see that this isn't love at all. You have become dependent of him.... maybe a bit obsessed. You'll have to let him go.

 

You can choose:

 

1. Go on like this

 

2. NO CONTACT

 

If you follow option 1 you 'll get a lot of pain, no respect; you won't change he won't change, and who knows where it'll end

 

If you follow option 2 You 'll have some pain in the beginning, but you'll feel better, get stronger and be a good mother who isn't depressed or dependent of someone else. You'll start a new life, and maybe in the future you'll find someone who actually cares for you and treats you right.

 

It's your choice though.

 

I can understand that you miss him; but you should just hate him for what he's done to you.

[alasia]

Oh I know I don't love him. The only feelings I have are kind of affectionate ones, and I don't think I'd have those if he wasn't the father of my child.

 

On a more positive (and more important!) note though; my first scan appointment just came through - it's next thursday!

 

So that's something to focus on

[dropdeadlegs]

alasia,

 

I don't know what CaliGuy, lorr, Kamille, or anyone else can tell you tat hasn't already been said. That stated, here i go one last time.

 

The part that misses you is the same part that sleeps with you, his dick. All the words that come out of his mouth about missing you, wanting ANY kind of relationship with you, etc. are emanating from the little brain, not the big one. They are ploys to get between your legs.

 

If you know you don't love him, why are you so insistent in him wanting you back? He will continue to miss you at the rate of about once a week when his dick needs a little relief.

 

Every few days it's the SAME questions, the SAME stories, you are living a virtual "Groundhog Day" (ever see the movie?) and expecting a DIFFERENT RESULT.

 

The people of LS have compassion, but they don't have unlimited patience. Soon you will only get responses from newbies and guests who do not know your story. Go back and look at all your threads, all the posts and read them. Look at what you say,, look at what we say, and show me where there is any big difference from day to day.

 

I really think you need counseling at this point. You are having difficulty in dealing with reality. Phil is using your delusions to his advantage when it benefits him, and to your discredit when that benefits him. Learn some self respect girl!

[MotherGooze]

On a more positive (and more important!) note though; my first scan appointment just came through - it's next thursday!

 

So that's something to focus on

 

 

That's good focus on that. And listen to our advice

[sueidaho]

i agree with drop dead legs. sorry honey but it sounds like you are just a booty call to him and further more if he treats you that way and your expecting his child he sounds like an a$$. you say you don't love him so start NC. i actually quit my job so that i wouldn't have to deal with my ex at the moment. maybe you should do the same if you can't stand your ground.

[Kamille]

I totally agree with DDL. Please go reread your other threads.

 

Sit down and stop thinking it's about him. The way you are going about things right now is about you. Ask yourself what it is within you that is making you act this way? What do you think you would gain if he did come back to you? What did this break up break in you that you are trying to recover?

 

Perhaps your faith in true love? Or perhaps your very understanding of what love is is being unsettled? You said elsewhere that this man was your first love. Realize that those are the hardest to get over and yes they drive most of us stir-crazy. After my first heartbreak, everything I thought love was was shattered. But for the best. Since then, I have had much better, healthier, truer relationship with men who could truly support me. I learned that love is something you build together with someone, not some kind of mystical power that can magically resolve all my problems.

 

Let him go. Alasia, you are young. You will learn a lot from this heartbreak. Hell, I now consider that first heartbreak (I couldn't eat or sleep for 3 months!) to have been a blessing - not only because that ex was and continues to be an a** (to his new gfs) but because I now feel more grounded in my knowledge of love.

 

Listen to him. He IS telling you he wants you out. Yes that does hurt. Maybe that is why you are having such a hard time letting him go. Everytime he tells you that - and he's said it a lot - your self-esteem takes another slap. We keep telling you to stay away and go NC because it is so very very clear to us that all this contact is doing to you is sinking your self-esteem lower.

 

Maybe you don't believe us, but yes you will one day feel a lot better about yourself. You can. But you have to choose it. You are have to believe in yourself. And first, you have to believe that you can get over this. Start by believing that you will resist all your urges and manage 24 hours of NC.

 

Truth is : No, nothing he can say to you now could help you out of this hole you are digging yourself in. You will need to do it yourself, with the help of friends and yes please try to find a counsellor.

 

You know what - you will love again. For now, focus on you and your baby.

 

And please please find the strenght not to contact him today. Think how proud we would all be for you!

[alasia]

I don't want him back. I just want him to want me back, so I can tell him where to go - which is silly. It's a pride thing.

 

I almost phoned him earlier to ask him if he wants to come to my first scan next Thursday, but decided there's no point. He knows when it is so if he wanted to be there, he'd get in touch - which he won't.

[Kamille]

Good job on not calling! Go girl!

 

You know what helped me when I wanted him to want me back so I could tell him where to go? I kept visualizing him being stuck by the side of the road and me driving by and helping him out and him finally confessing how much he regretted how badly he treated me.

 

I got over him. Years went by. And one day, at a party, he came up to me and told me that I had meant a lot to him and that he regretted how badly he had treated me.

 

The fact that you want him to want you back so you can tell him where to go is a clear sign that you feel disempowered in the situation. Could you tell me what you think you could do to empower yourself? What would make you feel stronger right now?

[alasia]

Could you tell me what you think you could do to empower yourself? What would make you feel stronger right now?

 

No contact but no contact through choice, instead of having it 'inflicted' on me. That's what I'm doing at the moment, choosing not to contact him.

He probably thinks I'm doing it because he asked me to, but who cares?

I know the truth.

 

I'm sure he also thinks that because I mentioned my scan yesterday, I'm waiting for him to get in touch and say he'll come - but I've asked my mother to come with me instead. Again, I've made the choice that I don't want Phil there.

If by some miracle he gets in touch and asks to come I can say that no, I don't want him there (but I'm not bothered about him contacting me; I know he won't and all he does is depress me anyway)

 

All I'm thinking now is that in a few months' time I'll have a baby that I'll love more than anything.

I'll feel strong enough so that if I see Phil again, I'll be able to do it without trying to get into a conversation with him, or be able to hold a polite conversation without feeling anything for him.

He'll see I'm getting on with life without him and he'll still be alone with only his cat for company.

 

The thing that bugs me is the lies.

When he said he had feelings and all that other stuff; he knew it wasn't true and he knew I realised it too.

It's the way he keeps saying things that sound like the relationship meant nothing to him - and yesterday he had the balls to say that I hadn't made any effort to make 'us' work!

I worked my a** off and to think he didn't realise it...although he did admit he made no effort too, he says he never does and that's why he's so bad at relationships.

 

And it sickens me that a few weeks ago (after we'd split), he said he was excited about the baby, he wanted a little girl to dote on, on Sunday he said he'd come to the scan and birth if I wanted...he just seemed into it.

Now he's questioning paternity, saying fathers 'deserting' their kids happens "all over the world" like that makes it ok, threatening to work less hours if I try to claim child support and just generally being an idiot.

How do you change that much, so quickly?!

 

But I do realise that all that is his problem; if he's not mature enough to handle the responsibility of a child HE half-created, has to change his shifts, move house and generally avoid seeing me and bad-mouth me to everyone saying I'm a mental case and trapped him into having a baby to make himself feel better - and get everyone feeling sorry for him (instead of telling him he needs to grow up and take some responsibility) then so be it.

I'm focusing on myself and the baby from now on; if he wants to lose the opportunity to give and recieve that amazing unconditional love (even his cat doesn't give him that!) and be a stranger to yet another of his children then it's his loss.

 

Personally, I don't think I need counselling.

What I need to do is snap out of being self-pitying, sappy little girl I've turned myself into and start being the sassy, confident woman I was 6 months ago - the one that had 4 guys interested in her last year and made the wrong choice by picking Phil.

 

I don't regret being with him; he made me happy and taught me a lot (mainly, that I CAN love and open myself up to men - which I had problems doing before) but our relationship has also taught me that I have a tendency to over analyse every little detail, to the point of becoming clingy and obsessive.

I can work on that and hopefully it won't happen again with any future partners.

For now I'm happy being single and can't wait for my scan next Thursday!

 

Oh by the way; the reason I saw him yesterday was because I had an interview which meant catching his bus (I couldn't afford a cab, no one could give me a lift and the train station was too far from the interview to walk).

I got on, paid and sat at the back of the bus treating him like any other bus driver.

 

He was the one who started shouting things like "why are you here?!" and "how are you getting home kaz? Because I'm not taking you!"

There were other people on the bus which was so unprofessional.

 

I ignored it for a while then got too embarrassed, so I went up to him and said that I wasn't there for his benefit, so could he be a bit professional and keep quiet.

He said "ok, you don't have to talk to me now, do you?" but then I let myself get into that stupid relationship conversation with him.

I've noticed he does that; as soon as I point out his mistakes or faults, he turns it round on me and starts shooting insults, probably to get a reaction or make me feel small.

 

I realise now that he was just humiliating himself, and if I'd have kept my cool and continued ignoring him I would have come off looking good, and he would have looked childish and petty.

If a similar sitation happens again, I'll remember that incident and be able to handle things a lot better.

[underpants]

Honey,

 

I think if you should decide to go ahead and have this baby. It will be your baby.

 

He will not be involved, certainly not at all in the level in which you would wish.

 

He has another child of which he is not involved with either. THIS IS A BIG FLAG!!!

 

I am sure he loves the fact that his sperm is surpreme and he can fertilize eggs. Obviously however he cannot be a father/parent. You need to wrap your head around this concept. He has not got the mentality for that job. Sorry.

 

Do what you have to do.

 

I am sorry you found a connecton with an unworthy suitor, but alas you must decide and make peace with the facts as they are.

 

All the best.

[alasia]

Yeah well he has said that before - "it's your baby, you decide whether to keep it or not...you're the sole carer"

 

It's just he's been so changeable and, being as naive as I am, I tend to believe whatever he's saying (I do that with everyone); so when he's saying he has feelings I believe him, and when he says he hates me I believe that too.

 

Anyway I managed not to call him yesterday and didn't even think about him that much.

 

I also tippexed (and then crossed out for good measure!) his number from the back of my diary - I'd deleted it from my phone a while ago, but kept in written in my diary 'just in case'. Then I went to the o2 website (which allows you to send text messages) and deleted all messages I've sent and recieved to/from his number as well as clearing the autocomplete thing on my internet options, so there's no chance of me ever getting hold of his number. I did memorise it (I always do with phone numbers) but everytime it pops into my head I think "what's that?" and hopefully eventually I'll forget it altogether!

 

I'm not upset; now I'm just angry that he's telling his workmates and manager that he's having to change his shifts because of me - apparently his boss Lucy said "if you keep changing your shifts she'll (meaning me) know where you are anyway and still turn up"

 

I know I shouldn't be bothered what other people think, but seeing as I know pretty much every bus driver that drives for his company, whenever I catch a bus now I'll know the driver will know me as "that girl that turned psycho-stalker when Phil split with her".

 

Why he can't keep his lovelife to himself is beyond me.

[magichands]

Why he can't keep his lovelife to himself is beyond me.

Maybe he's got an oversized ego. Or is an attention seeker. Like me.

[alasia]

Who knows?

 

Telling his family and friends only his side of the story was one thing, but his workmates too?!

 

I'll never be able to get a bus again.

 

Ah well...it's an incentive to learn to drive!

[magichands]

I'll never be able to get a bus again.

Who's driving whom??

 

Get on the bus. You pay, they drive. It's pretty simple.

[alasia]

I know...it's just the embarrassment of them thinking I'm some sort of psycho stalker that made Phil have to change his shifts. Because they've only heard his side of things.

[magichands]

No one can make you feel embarrassed without your consent.

[alasia]

Ohh dear...I just told my mum about what happened on Monday and she called my ex to ask for half of the money for my phone (he broke it).

 

He started calling her all kinds of names and telling her to f-off so my mum called my local police station and explained everything that happened.

 

They said they'd phone me but haven't yet - I'm kind of hoping they eon't because this won't go anywhere, will it?

 

I'll never get the money back and although he (technically) assaulted me on Monday and almost hit me on his bus on Wednesday, his family will all back him up.