Author princessa Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 You never said this to begin with!! You referred to him as YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. Go read your original post............I am only going on what you've said Princessa. It's obvious that you want him to jump through hoops for ya...And he did a big jump by taking you to the clinic... Your emotions are out of whack becuase you're sick, so hopefully in afew days you'll see all this in a better and healthier light. Okay so didn't you say that if he had been more than just a friend, then in that case it showed that he didn't really care as much as you'd expect a bf to?? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 So, the friendship, if it continues, is on YOUR terms, with strings attached. That's not friendship, that is CONTROL. You are putting a HUGE expectation on him.....HUGE and UNFAIR. Hate to say it, but you're the one who is being selfish here. Christ, the guy TOOK YOU TO THE CLINIC when you were sick!!! And now, cuz he didn't call you to check on you, you're about to end the friendship because you 'expected' him to call ya??? His life and what goes on in it (work) is just as important as what is going on in your life. You are going to continue to be very disappointed in him and your other friends if you have these types of expectations....People have their own lives, their own sh.it and may not be there ALL the time when you want them to be. Just because you have treated him like family and put his needs first, doesn't mean he MUST do the same for you. Accept your friends, and him for who they are...Good and bad faults. The SHOULD's is what is gonna get you feeling worse. He SHOULD do this, he SHOULD feel like this....SHOULD is a controlling word. It's bossy and makes people feel guilty when they're told they "SHOULD" do or act a certain way. Hope this is making sense to you. Sorry to be harsh, but man, you're completely blowing this out of proportion! I completely agree with all of the above 10-fold. With the exception of having surgery, I don't expect any of my friends (and that's all an EX can be is a FRIEND) to "check up on me," and we kid each other all the time when one person thinks they caught the flu/cold/sore throat from another. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 maybe draw the warm covers over your head and sleep off some of your sickness.. let the medicine kick in and let yourself get over your sickness.. As simple as cold medicine is I can't even think straight if I take any.... He will still be there after you feel better..and maybe the solution won't be as hard to find Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 Ahh... I got the impression from your first post that it was just friends.. Then your reaction should be that you talk with him.. calmly and not get to emotional.. the way you are right now will just turn this into a breakup.. This misunderstanding is all about expectations.. a person be expect to meet certain bars if he doesn't know they exist.. if he does know then you need to sit him down and tell him your needs.. and if he can't give you what you are looking for then...Well.. you know... you have to move on.. Call him and speak with him about this.. Isn't that a given for most people that when somebody you care about is sick, the least you can do is call them and see if they need anything? How am I gonna talk to him about my expectations, tell him I expect to be able to rely on him 100% if need be, when he's just made it clear that it wasn't welcome? I can't make him care about me if he doesnt! Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 The whole thing sounds like a big mess to me. Why not just write him off period, then you wont have to be bothered with, why, how, what, who about him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Well sorry for the confusion everybody.... Well no need to be sorry. That's how a lot of relationships end...with one not quite knowing where one stands until it's finally really over. Hope you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Okay so didn't you say that if he had been more than just a friend, then in that case it showed that he didn't really care as much as you'd expect a bf to?? Look, he took you to the clinic. He did his duty. He didn't call you from work because chances are he was busy, was in workmode and the thought didn't pop into his head to call you. Most people are like this. And, him being a guy, sometimes men NEED a 2x4 and need to be told what they're expected of. Even then, he still may let ya down. Your expectation level is TOO high...Lower it and you won't be so upset... Trust me! Try it and see what happens... Isn't that a given for most people that when somebody you care about is sick, the least you can do is call them and see if they need anything? How am I gonna talk to him about my expectations, tell him I expect to be able to rely on him 100% if need be, when he's just made it clear that it wasn't welcome? I can't make him care about me if he doesnt! He DOES CARE!!! Geez, if he didn't he would not have driven you to the clinic. He was BUSY at work and didn't call to check up on you. Its' not the end of the world. Exactly! You can't make him do anything that he doesn't want to do. He IS in your life a certain way, so either accept what he is capable of giving you, or walk away......... And, I don't think you should be asking him to be 'ready' so you can rely on him 100%. Best thing to do is hope for the best, but expect less... Just because YOU have a crisis in your life, doesn't mean he MUST come to your rescue. What if HE had a crisis going on, either personal or work related and he couldn't help you? He cannot put your needs first above his own needs ALL the time. He isn't your father! Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 Well he just called to explain himself. I think he guessed that I was pissed off at what he said from a text I sent this morning saying I can't believe how selfish he is... He said he was stressed out and being sarcastic.. And then made a huge deal out of explaining certain things that he said to me that might have lead me to believe that my seeking his help wasn't welcome. He said I misunderstood whatever he was saying... Well it's nice to know that at least he cares enough to explain and to somewhat be there after all.. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I think you have be 'stuggling' with this dude for a while. I dated someone a time back. During the course of our relationship he fell ill, a stomach flu. I took such sweet care of him for like 3 days. He whined, he threw up and crawled under my covers. I even joked that it is was so sweet that he threw up in my bathroom. Gosh I doted on him. I loved this guy. Well, when I had a mild cold. I took one day off and had really just a sniffle cold, not enough to stop me from around the house activites, he popped over and looked at me like I had the plague then proceeded to ignore me for a week. Thanks alot, Sir Not so Nice. It just goes to show that maybe this is a test of sorts and maybe this is not the guy that could be the most compatible for you. Good hunting, of course when you feel better.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 .. And then made a huge deal out of explaining certain things that he said to me that might have lead me to believe that my seeking his help wasn't welcome. He said I misunderstood whatever he was saying... Well it's nice to know that at least he cares enough to explain and to somewhat be there after all.. You both over reacted. End of story. The part I hilited in bold - Just seems so sad and you still feel let down. Like nothing really got solved and you are real hurt that he isn't going to BE there for you ALL the time when you NEED him to come to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Calling exes dosent usualy work no matter what they might say there usualy feeing and thinking something else. I don't know why but thats just how it is example I had gotten in contact with a ex of mine a few years back. He seamed genualy happy to talk to me again reguardless of it had been a nasty break up witch he even admited was his fault. He told me he hadent been with any one else other then me since we had broken up saying that you would have thought he was happy I had made contact right?? we had even spoken about getting back togher he seamed realy happy and was even makeing plans for us to go out. But the next thing I know I call his house and hes mom ansers I ask if hes seeing some one else she says yes. so realy its a burnt bridge usualy and maybe its better off left that way let him go and dont live in the past..Def never expect aything from a ex on any level.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 You both over reacted. End of story. The part I hilited in bold - Just seems so sad and you still feel let down. Like nothing really got solved and you are real hurt that he isn't going to BE there for you ALL the time when you NEED him to come to you. Well I do still feel let down.. And overall I don't really know what to make of this... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 You feel let down cuz he didn't check in on you during the day. OK, you're entitled to feel that way, but don't let that upset you so much. He isn't perfect, and isn't going to meet ALL your needs ALL the time. Noone can. You have to move past this and let it go - If you don't, it will bug you more and more. Bottomline though the guy took you to the clinic. That isn't letting you down. He was there for you. I guess I don't understand why you're focussing on him not calling you during the day to check up on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 You know, it's really hard to say what exactly makes me feel the way I do. I think I would have felt differently if he had not sent me that nasty message, even though he now told me that he didn't really mean it. But the fact that he did sort made me pick at the details.. The fact that he wasn't too cheerful when he came to pick me up, the fact that he kept asking why wasn't my mother taking care of me, the fact that he didn't call to check up on me and that he didn't call to see if I needed food or anything the next day. Most of these might have reasonable explanations... I mean for one I know that he's had awful experiences with clinics and he really hates them, and there was a blizzard outside after all, so you wouldn't exactly expect somebody to be jumping for joy.. So most of it kind of made sense.. But after I got this message of his I started thinking that maybe he has much more resentment towards me than he wants me to know.. Also deep down it makes me feel unsafe in the sense that, if I was really really sick and needed somebody to spoon-feed me chicken soup and do my dishes, would I really be able to completely rely on him then?? Or would he just do the bare minimum like he did now and then resent me for asking something beyond that?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted February 17, 2007 Author Share Posted February 17, 2007 I think I mostly feel let down because his out of line message (which he explained later), wasn't humor after all. He wasn't kidding, he was just stressed out and blew up. This means that it was something that he was thinking that was blown out of proportion. Which leads me to think that deep down he really resented me for asking him to take me to the clinic. As if is was such a huge deal for him to do this. As if he hated me for dumping this responsibility on him. And the fact that he thinks even remotely along these lines is just soo.... so wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 I And the fact that he thinks even remotely along these lines is just soo.... so wrong. I'm not surprised that he's your "ex" - I'd quickly be your ex-boyfriend also. You commit the double sin of not clearly stating your expectations and then getting mad at people when they don't meet them. Very high maintenance... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted February 17, 2007 Author Share Posted February 17, 2007 I'm not surprised that he's your "ex" - I'd quickly be your ex-boyfriend also. You commit the double sin of not clearly stating your expectations and then getting mad at people when they don't meet them. Very high maintenance... What expectations? Isn't it common sense to expect the person who's helping you to not resent you for this?? How in the world is THAT high maintenance? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 What expectations? Isn't it common sense to expect the person who's helping you to not resent you for this?? How in the world is THAT high maintenance? High maintenance is asking a "friend" to do a favor for you and then wanting to judge their performance in doing so. High maintenance is expecting that someone would "check" on you, not asking them to do so and then getting mad at them for not reading your mind. I could cite several other examples from your posts, but why? All of these histrionics seem to me to be leftover pieces of your relationship. Any chance of being friends with your "ex" would seem to depend on your ability to be honest about the source of your feelings. And that can be a big challenge for some people... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 I already said this in my previous posts (#44 in particular), he's not just a "friend". Also, you seem to have skipped over the point I tried to make in my previous post. Which is, it seems to me that he's resentful towards me for having asked his help. I'm sorry, but even a plain friend wouldn't resent you after they've done you a favor. And as a guy who supposedly "cares" a whole lot about me, I would've thought he'd be glad he could help, or at least not said anything if it was such a pain in the butt. But his resentment makes me feel like I'm annoyance or a chore to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 But his resentment makes me feel like I'm annoyance or a chore to him. If that's true, why not accept it and move on? Like I said, there is a whole lot more going on here than his conduct during your sickness... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I already said this in my previous posts (#44 in particular), he's not just a "friend". Also, you seem to have skipped over the point I tried to make in my previous post. Which is, it seems to me that he's resentful towards me for having asked his help. I'm sorry, but even a plain friend wouldn't resent you after they've done you a favor. And as a guy who supposedly "cares" a whole lot about me, I would've thought he'd be glad he could help, or at least not said anything if it was such a pain in the butt. But his resentment makes me feel like I'm annoyance or a chore to him. So don't hurt yourself futher by expecting more from him then he could give your right now because if you do you will jus be dissapointed. Everyone should have high expectations when it come to a signifigant in their life... but at the same time Princessa your needs were not being met when you were in the relationship with him so it is hard for me to understand why you think your needs will be met when you are not BF/GF any longer. I am not being harsh at all, I know what it is like to need someone there, but you have to give him his space right now and learn to be more independant. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts