The self-esteem of a OW

[Guest]

I have come to the belief that a OW has very low self-esteem and has never had a healthy relationship in her life.

 

The OW is always questioning the intentions of the MM. Even though the intentions are right in front of their face. But anyway.

 

The OW is always struggling whether they are good enough.

 

And not one OW that I have read has been in a healthy relationship.

 

So my question to all of you is this. What do you get out of invading someone elses life ?

[Guest]

I have come to the belief that a OW has very low self-esteem and has never had a healthy relationship in her life.

 

The OW is always questioning the intentions of the MM. Even though the intentions are right in front of their face. But anyway.

 

The OW is always struggling whether they are good enough.

 

And not one OW that I have read has been in a healthy relationship.

 

So my question to all of you is this. What do you get out of invading someone elses life ?

 

I think you answered you own question...ESTEEM. Unhealthy esteem, temporary esteem but intoxicating, addicting esteem nonetheless.

 

I'm a good girl taking a walk on the wide side but it's gotten old. I will move on. I was vulnerable and he filled MY void.

[scaredinlove]

I have come to the belief that a OW has very low self-esteem and has never had a healthy relationship in her life.

 

The OW is always questioning the intentions of the MM. Even though the intentions are right in front of their face. But anyway.

 

The OW is always struggling whether they are good enough.

 

And not one OW that I have read has been in a healthy relationship.

 

So my question to all of you is this. What do you get out of invading someone elses life ?

 

In my case he invaded my live. Took me 1 year and 5 months to give in to him and start a affair. I was in a very unhappy abusive marriage and he seemed like a nice guy. We felt in love. We are still in love but in agony because I am single now and he has no guts to leave. So He invaded my life I just went along because I was desperated.I was wrong I know,but I learned my lesson.And I would never do it again. Yes I had a very low self-steem, but I am getting more and more confident. Hope this answers you question.

[norajane]

I was in a very unhappy abusive marriage

 

I am single now

 

I see this a lot when married women have affairs - that they had abusive husbands. Did your affair help you see that you needed to leave your husband, or were you thinking about leaving him even before that and your affair give you the courage to leave? Would you have ever left your marriage if not for the affair?

[Jinxx]

I have come to the belief that a OW has very low self-esteem and has never had a healthy relationship in her life.

 

 

Well Guest -- you are entitled to your opinion/belief, probably a bitter BS. I was once one of those too you know.

 

Speaking for myself -- I do not have low self-esteem.

[whichwayisup]

I have come to the belief that a OW has very low self-esteem and has never had a healthy relationship in her life.

 

The OW is always questioning the intentions of the MM. Even though the intentions are right in front of their face. But anyway.

 

The OW is always struggling whether they are good enough.

 

And not one OW that I have read has been in a healthy relationship.

 

So my question to all of you is this. What do you get out of invading someone elses life ?

 

I would figure being an OW, eventually it wears down your self esteem and makes one feel more insecure as time goes on. The mistrust, doubts, the lying, not being able to trust the MM 100% - Knowing that he is with his wife, Ow having to share him....

 

There have been many women who have posted here on LS never ever thinking that they'd become an OW, yet somehow they did become one. I'm sure if you ask them before the affair happened they were self confident and strong women, but allowed the affair and being involved with MM and all that crap that goes with it, changed them into someone different.

[outofdarkness]

I would figure being an OW, eventually it wears down your self esteem and makes one feel more insecure as time goes on. The mistrust, doubts, the lying, not being able to trust the MM 100% - Knowing that he is with his wife, Ow having to share him....

 

There have been many women who have posted here on LS never ever thinking that they'd become an OW, yet somehow they did become one. I'm sure if you ask them before the affair happened they were self confident and strong women, but allowed the affair and being involved with MM and all that crap that goes with it, changed them into someone different.

I think that A's change EVERYONE involved. NOONE ends up not feeling hurt at some time during the whole mess. Also, I think that as women, we all suffer from a lack of self confidence at some time or another...More so then men...In my opinion. We have come a long way, but we still have a ways to go...Also, I don't know of anyone married or single or in an A who has had a totally healthy R...It's just not realistic to call your R healthy all of the time.

[Jinxx]

I think that A's change EVERYONE involved. NOONE ends up not feeling hurt at some time during the whole mess. Also, I think that as women, we all suffer from a lack of self confidence at some time or another...More so then men...In my opinion. We have come a long way, but we still have a ways to go...Also, I don't know of anyone married or single or in an A who has had a totally healthy R...It's just not realistic to call your R healthy all of the time.

 

So what if the BS never finds out about the affair. My legally separated husband has no idea neither does XMM's wife. Sure I could spill my guts out to him about it as could XMM. I just don't see the point. Now if we got caught -- different for everyone concerned. The guilt, the humility, etc., etc.

 

But have to agree -- there is no such as as healthy R all of the time. Not possible.

[Star Gazer]

I would figure being an OW, eventually it wears down your self esteem and makes one feel more insecure as time goes on. The mistrust, doubts, the lying, not being able to trust the MM 100% - Knowing that he is with his wife, Ow having to share him....

 

There have been many women who have posted here on LS never ever thinking that they'd become an OW, yet somehow they did become one. I'm sure if you ask them before the affair happened they were self confident and strong women, but allowed the affair and being involved with MM and all that crap that goes with it, changed them into someone different.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

I first came to LS as an OW under a different name. Prior to entering that relationship, I was very self-confident, independent, etc. The world was my oyster.

 

I started dating an opposing counsel the day after we settled our case against each other at mediation. He was charming, complimentary, and very flirtatious....I mean, very, very, very flirtatious...as well as very handsome. He didn't wear a ring, and didn't say or do anything to lead me to believe he was married. In fact, he pursued me throughout our case together, and I refused to get involved with him because of the ethical prohibitions against opposing counsel dating. My career was more important to me than any man, regardless of how smoking hot and charming he was.

 

After we settled the case, I gave in. The result was a whirlwind romance. He wined and dined me. Took me on little weekend getaways in his firm's private plane. Bought me gifts from Tiffany's. Even paid my rent for me when my roommate moved home unexpectedly. He was my prince charming. The only thing that annoyed me was that he always came to my place. We only had 2-3 nights together at "his place."

 

4 months in, I jokingly asked him how his wife was doing - I was teasing him about being "too good to be true." His response? "She's just fine. Don't you want to know about the kids?"

 

I had no idea. NO IDEA.

 

"His place" was actually his BROTHER's place, who was in the process of getting a divorce from HIS wife because SHE cheated on him. He had orchestrated my visit to "his place" during a time his brother was out of town, and had set it all up so I would believe it was all his. MM talked crap about his brother's W the entire time we were "dating," saying the most horrible things about her simply because she wasn't faithful - that was something else that just subconciously prevented me from thinking he was married.

 

Anyway. After I found out, I was devastated. My faith in men was completely destroyed. Once I went to his office in anger to confront him - there I saw the most beautiful pictures of his wife and their children. I couldn't take my eyes off of those pictures - his innocent children and W having no idea what this scumbag was up to. Shortly after that, I remember going to the beach with a friend and looking over at a group of couples and their young children. The husband and wives looked so happy. I cried hysterically - again, thinking those wives and children had no idea... I assumed that each one of those H's was cheating as well.

 

Somehow I found myself continuing in the relationship with the MM. I found everything that came along with getting involved with a MM - whether intentionally or totally unknowingly - reaked havoc on my life. Over time, my self-esteem was completely worn down...the mistrust, the doubts, the lies... I couldn't trust him with anything other than the idea that he'd do nearly anything just to sleep with me, only to leave me and go to his W and kids...

 

After 5-6 months of knowing, I ultimately ended it. I just had had enough. I couldn't handle what it was doing to me, as well as the thoughts of what it was doing to my MM's family.

 

It did change me into someone completely different. It's taken me almost 4 years to find who I was before the MM, and it's been a long, tough road. I wouldn't wish that sort of personal destruction on anyone.

 

As for the W, she did find out. I'm not sure how or why, but she got ahold of his cell phone which had some - ahem - pictures of me on it. She also read some text messages. She called me from his phone and her phone, repeatedly leaving me messages. I finally answered after a week of calls and answered all of her questions. She vaciliated between rage and anger towards him to utter tears. She actually apologized to ME for what her H had put ME through. I wish I could have had that ridiculously difficult and awkward conversation in person.

 

I haven't heard from either one of them since that phone call. I hope W and the kids are doing well.

 

Anyway. Point is that there ARE women who are strong and confident who find themselves in this all-the-way-around NO WIN situation. It's a horrible, horrible thing to participate in. Although I was duped at first, I knowingly continued in that relationship...and that is just as bad as if I had started it knowing all the details. I will never ever ever allow anyone to justify an OW/MM relationship... there just is no justifiable reason...

[MoonGirl]

I see this a lot when married women have affairs - that they had abusive husbands. Did your affair help you see that you needed to leave your husband, or were you thinking about leaving him even before that and your affair give you the courage to leave? Would you have ever left your marriage if not for the affair?

 

 

norajane,

To answer your question...

My OM was certainly the turning point for me with regards to making a decision about leaving my abusive marriage. Yes, I fell in love with OM, but better yet, he helped me realize that there are men in the world who respect women and don't abuse them. I think when you're in an abusive marriage, your realty becomes really warped. It's not that I didn't know my H was abusive, but I thought I couldn't change my situation. OM helped me realize I could change my situation. Even if OM and I don't stay together, I will always be thankful to him for helping me gain the strength to leave my marriage.

[kellyp1]

I have had a decent relationship in my life, he just wasn't the one. I would say I am 100% confident in me professionally and socially. My MM is just that guy that I would have built if I could and we are not having a PA although I know the EA is still bad.

 

I have tried dating other guys but you would laugh if I told you stories about my last single guy (from a month ago). I had to reschedule our third date because of an emergency with my business and the next day, that single guy sent me an email telling me he was not looking for a relationship (LOL - we hadn't even sort of opened that topic!). Then, he sent me an I Love You card for Valentine's Day after I hadn't responded to his last crazy email. So I am confident but all the single men my age are absolutely insane. My friends are convinced I need to look for a divorced man where the divorce wasn't his fault. LOL - whatever that means! I just kind of feel I need to go out there and have fun with life and not expect to have relationship love again. In some ways, the love I have shared with my MM is enough to last a lifetime...

[norajane]

norajane,

To answer your question...

My OM was certainly the turning point for me with regards to making a decision about leaving my abusive marriage. Yes, I fell in love with OM, but better yet, he helped me realize that there are men in the world who respect women and don't abuse them. I think when you're in an abusive marriage, your realty becomes really warped. It's not that I didn't know my H was abusive, but I thought I couldn't change my situation. OM helped me realize I could change my situation. Even if OM and I don't stay together, I will always be thankful to him for helping me gain the strength to leave my marriage.

 

My cousin is married to an abusive man - mostly verbally abusive, and controlling every aspect of her life. She would never have an affair, but he treats her as though he thinks she'd cheat on him every time she goes to get groceries. He's isolated her from her friends and family.

[frannie]

And not one OW that I have read has been in a healthy relationship.

 

So my question to all of you is this. What do you get out of invading someone elses life ?

 

Welcome 'guest'. I'd like to know how you have access to information regarding all OW's past relationships..? That's some interesting database you have there for starters.

 

I'm not going to list what I get out of him being in MY life, because it would only sound like gloating, and even I have enough sense not to come across like that. It's not appropriate for the boards.

[outofdarkness]

So what if the BS never finds out about the affair. My legally separated husband has no idea neither does XMM's wife. Sure I could spill my guts out to him about it as could XMM. I just don't see the point. Now if we got caught -- different for everyone concerned. The guilt, the humility, etc., etc.

 

But have to agree -- there is no such as as healthy R all of the time. Not possible.

Well, I can see both sides of the coin. It does seem pointless to hurt the ones we love needlessly, but on the other hand, I also believe that sooner or later, lies catch up w/ us. I tend to think it's better to be open and honest and except the consequences...Otherwise, you're still sort of living a lie. If you tell the truth to your H, then you can have a clean conscience...I don't know about your exmm. Seems to me that his HIS resposiblity to tell to his W...

[MoonGirl]

My cousin is married to an abusive man - mostly verbally abusive, and controlling every aspect of her life. She would never have an affair, but he treats her as though he thinks she'd cheat on him every time she goes to get groceries. He's isolated her from her friends and family.

 

Norajane,

 

Are you SURE she'd never have an affair? Is she a SAHM or does she have an outlet to meet guys (like at work)? I NEVER thought I'd have an affair, and I have never cheated on anyone before. Before I was separated from H, my affair was emotional only, and my OM was an incredible support for me. If you're being accused of a bunch of insane things by your husband that you're not doing and you're being isolated from friends and family, it becomes really tiring after awhile.

[Another Guest]

I have come to the belief that a OW has very low self-esteem and has never had a healthy relationship in her life.

 

The OW is always questioning the intentions of the MM. Even though the intentions are right in front of their face. But anyway.

 

The OW is always struggling whether they are good enough.

 

And not one OW that I have read has been in a healthy relationship.

 

So my question to all of you is this. What do you get out of invading someone elses life ?

 

I too am in an abusive marriage and I'm having an affair. The time spent with my MM is like medicine to my soul....there are times though that it makes me even more misrable than my marriage. We have been involved for over a year and I have never seen his wife until this past week....I was always worried that she was prettier than me, etc....OMG she doesnt hold a candle stick to me! I was in total shock when I saw that! WTH is my fine MM doing with something like that???

 

My self esteem is sky high now and Monday when we had "relations" I knocked his socks off because I was confident in my body He loved every minute of it and I cant wait to rock his world agian! So yeah...HOT!!!

 

And I dont feel like I'm invading anyone's life....She should treat this man with respect, love him and thank the high heavens that her monsterous BIG BEHIND has a man period! Prime example of a man that is there for the kids...and only the kids! The same reason I stay in this mess of a relationship I am in.....

[norajane]

Norajane,

 

Are you SURE she'd never have an affair? Is she a SAHM or does she have an outlet to meet guys (like at work)? I NEVER thought I'd have an affair, and I have never cheated on anyone before. Before I was separated from H, my affair was emotional only, and my OM was an incredible support for me. If you're being accused of a bunch of insane things by your husband that you're not doing and you're being isolated from friends and family, it becomes really tiring after awhile.

 

Yes, I'm sure. She's a SAHM (3 kids), and she's his office manager for his construction/remodeling business, so she works out of their home. She lives for her kids, and never goes out without him or the kids. They've been together a long time and I think he's eased up on the jealousy, but it's really hard to say what goes on because she doesn't really talk to anyone anymore. We used to be very close growing up, but her husband is convinced I'm an evil unmarried whore, and therefore would be a bad influence, so it's been years since I've had a conversation with her without him around. I get most of my info from her brother, whom I was also close to growing up...but he lives on the other side of the country so he's not around to help her.

[owcanbhppy]

to the original poster, do you mean self-esteem like bss you read just exuding bubbly self-confidence?

 

how many ow have you known, and known so well youd know all about the details of their past relationships?

 

you sound like you dont approve of ow, so why would you consort w/ so many?

 

i happened to have had a wonderful marraige. so there goes that theory.

 

its amazing how many posters come here thinking 'one size fits all'. people in affairs are just as varied as people you can put in any group.

 

as far as know one i know...goes, ive never known a man who entered any affair who was happy in his marraige, doesnt mean some arent.

[Jinxx]

If you tell the truth to your H, then you can have a clean conscience...I don't know about your exmm. Seems to me that his HIS resposiblity to tell to his W...

 

No, could never confess this to my husband. This is one of the reasons why I'm on the fence about going back to him. Lots of things to sort out on that one.

 

Now XMM -- his business as well. I know for a fact that he would never tell her. I wouldn't want him too. He's in the marriage until "death do us part". His wife is a wonderful gal and doesn't deserve to have her life shattered by being told of the affair between myself and her husband. Same with my legally separated husband.

[outofdarkness]

No, could never confess this to my husband. This is one of the reasons why I'm on the fence about going back to him. Lots of things to sort out on that one.

 

Now XMM -- his business as well. I know for a fact that he would never tell her. I wouldn't want him too. He's in the marriage until "death do us part". His wife is a wonderful gal and doesn't deserve to have her life shattered by being told of the affair between myself and her husband. Same with my legally separated husband.

I understand what you're saying, I'm just thinking of how I felt and how much I wish someone, ANYONE had told me so that I would have had a choice. I most likely would have chosen to stay and work on our M, but who knows, I at least felt like I should have been given the choice. I'm sorry, but it seems pretty selfish to withhold that sort of info from someone. Another reason that I wish someone had told me is that now days, you have to be so careful about STDs Not saying you have one, but to a spouse who's been cheated on, don't they deserve the opportunity to be sure?

I felt the "till death do us part" too, as I am very old fasioned and conservative, and I may have considered it uprooting and upsetting my life initially, but I know that I would have understood soon after that telling me was the most loving thing someone could have done for me...

 

I hope I've helped..

[Jinxx]

Another reason that I wish someone had told me is that now days, you have to be so careful about STDs Not saying you have one, but to a spouse who's been cheated on, don't they deserve the opportunity to be sure?

 

I can see your point here and agree. As the BS you have no idea what partners your WS has been with -- especially if they don't know the OP, i.e, one night stand. In my case, it was discussed. I do not and never have slept around, never had an STD and since I knew him pretty well, I wasn't worried about it. Trust played a huge factor in the R I shared with XMM. On the flip side -- what if XMM's wife was out having her own affair? She would also be putting herself at risk, including me and her husband.

 

I have to say this -- I hold the highest respect for you for sticking it out with your WS. He is one lucky guy to have you by his side.

[Island Girl]

I'm just thinking of how I felt and how much I wish someone, ANYONE had told me so that I would have had a choice.

 

I completely agree OutOfDarkness.

 

When I met my husband he lied and told me he wasn't married. He was separated from her and had been for over a year (emotionally separated for much longer than that) but he didn't want to risk me not going out with him by telling me.

He was right, I wouldn't have.

 

She heard though the grapevine that he had been seen with someone quite regularly (rather than the usual girl of the week flings).

 

She called his cell phone that he had left at my house and when I answered, boy, was I surprised.

 

We had quite a conversation - she asked the questions and I answered. It was respectful on both sides. Obviously I did not know he was married so I never asked if they were separated.

 

When he called on the other line, I told him who I was talking to and hung up on him.

When he came home I had his stuff packed and told him he needed to get his life straightened out and made him leave. Very limited conversations followed.

 

The papers were filed in a matter of weeks and we began dating again.

 

I have never regretted being honest with her.

 

To the original OP, there are OW out there who don't lack self confidence although I'd say their number is more limited.

Those particular women do not want a commitment or a full relationship so they are fine with limited time, etc.

It can be a variety of reasons, career goals, past relationship problems and not wanting to invest fully again, etc.

 

But I do agree that most have low self-esteem. These same women are prime for an abusive relationship as that destroys esteem as well.

[Trialbyfire]

Self-esteem for most women is such a commodity. Many women are raised to believe that looks are everything, that it will be the only way we can attract a good man. Well ladies, that is complete and utter bunk. We are what we make of ourselves, each one unique but in itself, more interesting. Believe it, because it's true. We all deserve better whether we're the OW or the Betrayed.

[Island Girl]

Self-esteem for most women is such a commodity. Many women are raised to believe that looks are everything, that it will be the only way we can attract a good man. Well ladies, that is complete and utter bunk. We are what we make of ourselves, each one unique but in itself, more interesting. Believe it, because it's true. We all deserve better whether we're the OW or the Betrayed.

 

 

Kudos to your eloquence Trialbyfire. Here here!

[frannie]

When I met my husband he lied and told me he wasn't married. He was separated from her and had been for over a year (emotionally separated for much longer than that) but he didn't want to risk me not going out with him by telling me.

He was right, I wouldn't have.

 

...When he called on the other line, I told him who I was talking to and hung up on him.

When he came home I had his stuff packed and told him he needed to get his life straightened out and made him leave. Very limited conversations followed.

 

The papers were filed in a matter of weeks and we began dating again.

 

Just to say I'm not attacking here, just trying to get to the bottom of this 'self-esteem' thing.

 

You met a man and he lied about being married. When you found out you threw him out of your house... but continued in contact with him until he filed for divorce, and then continued to date him while he was still married, and up to the divorce. You ended up married to a man who had lied to you in the beginning about his marital status..?

 

Presumably you consider yourself an (x)OW with self-esteem. (question)

 

So is self-esteem measured by the extent to which an OW insists that the MM gets a divorce..? Isn't that what others might call a 'homewrecker'..? (asking this particularly because I'm insisting that MM gets a divorce or we end the affair... and I've been criticised for that on another board here).

 

What about the self-esteem of someone who marries someone who started off their relationship by lying about being married..? Did you forgive him for that, on the grounds of (as you say) 'he thought I'd never date him if I knew he was married'..? That sounds like a lousy, cowardly excuse for a lie.

 

As I said above, I'm not meaning to criticise you, but since this can of worms keeps being opened, it would be nice for us to see exactly what actions indicate 'low self-esteem' in an OW.