Wanting more from a best friend

[jgold03]

My best friend is a woman I am deeply attracted to. Now I wouldn't consider myself attractive nor unattractive, just an average fellow. However, she is stunningly beautiful and therefore gets alot of male attention. Recently, we have started to spend alot of time with each other, always studying with each other or hanging out with the same group of friends on the weekends, and we have a connection that neither of us share with anyone else. Now I am pretty sure she isnt attracted to me compared to my feelings for her. Everything was really going well until she started telling me about some guy she had just messed around with (non-sexually). Even though I knew this day would come, I still got very hurt. Now my question is this: On one side I wish I could profess my love to her because its such a burden to me, but at the same time I know that if I do that it will be the end of our strong friendship. Its almost like I want to tell her my feelings so she will stop spending time with me and I wont be reminded of the pain, but I know that if i stop seeing her I will just think about the friendship that could of been. Any help would be appreciated.

[Bill]

Friendships are supposed to be forever, but in today's world much breaks them apart.

 

She may not be attracted to you physically, but she may be mentally attracted to you. Then again, she may be physically too! As long as she doesn't have a boyfriend, I think there should be no reason as to not just explain to her. Since you are already friends from talking to each other about everything, you should talk to her about this. Explain that you do have feelings for her. See what she says.

 

Then again, some girls are Evil , but if you don't do this, you might always wonder what would have been. Take a chance!

[jgold03]

But I seriously doubt that she is attracted to me physically based on the way she talked about messing around with another guy and other clues. And I am pretty confident that if I say anything about having feelings for her, it will completely ruin the friendship (because I am not the first person who would have gone through this). I am between a rock and a hard place, and I am being tortured by my feelings in the process.

[Bill]

Between a rock and a hard place huh? Are you saying rocks are not hard?

 

Ok...

 

How do you absolutely know that she won't like you if you don't try? Could she have been wanting to make you jealous?

[jgold03]

My gut feeling says she won't have feelings just from what I know about her, because I wouldn't be the first to profess my feelings to her as I said earlier. So what would be the safest way to tell her and keep the friendship as normal as possible if it backfires? I really don't want the friendship to die, and on the other I really would like to know how she responds.

[bebop]

Ok, you need to know girls.

 

Some girls may say they are interested in another guy to get a reaction from you, hoping they will see a sign of jealousy or induce you into telling them you want them.

 

However she may not be interested in you either.

 

But don't despair, you will not lose her friendship if you tell her you are interested in her. Just be cool and don't act or sound desperate.

 

She may actually be interested in you. If not, as long as you don't act desperate or hurt and bug her about it after she will just be flattered and still be your friend.

 

Some women love knowing a guy is interested in her even if she doesn't want them.

 

Also some women suddenly get interested in a guy they didn't even notice if they know he is interested in her, so if you are patient something may-or may not happen.

 

 

Alot of ifs in the post but the gist of it is:

 

Be honest

Play it Cool

Let it go

Be patient for a while

Play it cool-again

And then on either result move on with confidence.

[jgold03]

So should I like sit her down and basically say "Hey I like you" or what?

[Bill]

you should basically tell her everything that you have told us..... just like you said it.

 

It should come as an explanation.

 

Ask to talk to her, then come out with it.

[Ally Boo]

You have to let her know your feelings. It's only fair. I've had a best friend of about 14 years who is attracted to me, but I can handle it. He's a great friend and I wouldn't trade him for the world....I also would never sleep with him.

 

Either way, she HAS to know. You aren't being a true friend, if you aren't honest.

[HokeyReligions]

Gosh, everyone is different.

 

I guess in your place I would really consider what YOU want and what is most important to YOU:

 

1) Friendship which you have (bird in the hand)

2) Possible romance (two in the bush)

......a) Could lose a friendship as well as romance

......b) might be able to stay friends even if romance breaks up

......c) could be a fantastic, life-long romance

 

 

How would you rate the risks involved? What is most important to you? How well do you know her likes and values? Would she rather you be honest with her? Some women might not want to know because they don't want to jeopardize the friendship either.

 

Personally, I prefer honesty to a certain extent, but if I were in her place and the man KNEW that I would not be interested in a romantic relationship I would rather that he either not tell me and continue as friends, or tell me and we distance ourselves temporarily until he "got over me" or decided that we must part permanently. Knowing someone had romantic thoughts about me is sweet and I would be flattered, but I would be uncomfortable around them too because I don't want to continue hurting their feelings by possibly seeming to reject them.

 

Think about playing on the side of caution (say nothing) or taking that chance that might lead to something wonderful. Are you a risk taker? Is she?

 

Good Luck!

[ReboundGirl]

I have been in situations where someone professes their love and after that I feel very uncomfortable with them, then I want to see this person less and less. A friend of mine once told me she was very angry at a guy who told her he's always loved her as she thought he had betrayed the friendship.

 

If I were you I would proceed very cautiously. Try a flirty remark, say, if she says "you can't see the view from where you're standing", answer "I can see you" in a playful way. You'll see from her reaction if that was completely unexpected or not. And she may get a hint but not be too sure if you really meant it seriously. In any case, a little flirty now and there is good

 

RG

[ACE123]

Here's one for you to try:

 

BE CAUSUAL!

 

What I mean by that is this:

 

Feel out the situation.

Ask her if she ever thought about the two of you in a relationship, and how she would feel about it...

...IN A CASUAL, CONVERSATIONAL/HYPATHETICAL WAY!!!

 

Remember, it is not only what you say, but HOW YOU SAY IT!!

 

You may be suprised, she may have never thought about you that way, if she starts to think about it, she may warm up to the idea!

 

Advice is always worth less than you pay for it!

So here's mine:

 

Go with your gut, but don't be a pussy and act all hurt if she rejects the idea, you may end up wrecking a good friendship that way.

On the other hand, if you respect her opinion, even if she finds the idea repulsive, you still have a good friend.

 

Whatever you do, NEVER MISS ANY OPPURTUNITIES!

Don't wait for her and only her...who knows, if you date someone, you may meet that right someone, or she may all-of-a-sudden, be interested in YOU!

Ahhh, life's a risk isn't it....you only live once!!!

 

Cheers!

ACE123

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by ACE123

Ask her if she ever thought about the two of you in a relationship, and how she would feel about it...

...IN A CASUAL, CONVERSATIONAL/HYPATHETICAL WAY!!!

 

Remember, it is not only what you say, but HOW YOU SAY IT!!

 

 

Good advice, Dave. That was how my friend put the issue to me. And although I didn't feel the same way, the way it was said, made me comfortable, and we are still good friends to this day...some 10 years later.

[Ally Boo]

And I also much mention that this friend now has a fiance, moved to Wisconsin, and is happy! So, even if it doesn't work out with who you want now, your life will go great no matter what!

[jgold03]

After my previous post, I have been thinking a lot. For those who did not read it, this is my situation:

 

I have a friend who is very attractive. I would say I am not in her category of men. Recently I have been spending a lot of time with her. We study together, hang out, etc. She has told me she feels a strong emotional connection to me. I have fallen in love with her, I can't go a day without thinking about her, and it does not help that we see each other outside of school every day. From the beginning, I was pretty sure she's not physically attracted to me. But when we got really close, our friendship has become daily torture and put me into depression.

 

Now I recently had asked about whether I should keep the strong friendship and always be hurt or risk the friendship to see if anything can progress. I have decided that I am going to tell her how I feel, because I can't go any further holding in my feelings and being subjected to this pain.

 

There are two possible resultants. A) She professes her secret love for me and we live happily ever after (From her way of dealing with other guys who have done this before, I give that possibility a 1% to 5% chance). B) She tells me she does not share the feelings, and the normal "We are too good of friends to date." (95% to 99% chance). Now if probability works out as intended, I am pretty sure that resultant B will occur. So, with knowing this, what is the best way to tell her how I feel?

 

I thought about this question a lot myself. My own feelings want me to say I don't want to hang out with her anymore (as well as maybe she might realize what she had once she loses it). But is that the right way to go, with respect to the amount of hurt I have gone through in trying to maintain things as platonic?

[ACE123]

Just out of curiousity, why does it hurt you to have a platonic relationship with this girl?...I mean, you are close friends... right?

 

Sounds to me like it's time to re-evaluate your friendship BEFORE you tell her how you feel!

 

Seriously look at your friendship with her, are you hanging out with her so much because you are friends...or is it because you are in love with her?

 

I probably didn't describe that very well, so here is another example:

 

Lets say that the roles are reversed, and this girl was in love with you. You had no idea she felt that way, and viewed the constant companionship as a really good friendship......are you getting the picture here?!?!?

 

Just remember this too.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL CHANGE IF YOU START DATING HER!!

If you REALLY like the friendship...go with it, but if you want to date her....be forwarned, things will never be the same!

 

Cheers!

 

ACE123

[jgold03]

I apologize for not explaining myself clearly, I assumed everyone had read my previous thread.

 

When I first met her, I found her physically attractive. But as our friendship grew, I became aware of her personality. This was even more stimulating, and thus has made me fall for her. As I became more and more attracted to her, more and more pressure has built up onto me wanting to date her. I still think about her all day and all night. The problem is that I am not someone who falls in her category of men looks-wise. This has kinda made me feel bad about the whole thing. but I am yet to say anything. This has been going on for about a year. But I never said anything because she had a bf. They were never really close so we ended up spending more time together then them. A while back they broke up and I have seriously started to consider dating her. But she's started to be on the prowl for guys, and started talking to me about the different guys shes met. She even said to me "Why can't I find a nice guy." to me! Everyone knows physical pain is nothing compared to the pain of the heart. And thus my feelings were hurt badly.

 

So this brings me back to the original question. Now I recently had asked about whether I should keep the strong friendship, not telling her how I feel, and always being hurt, or risk the friendship to see if anything can progress. I have decided that I am going to tell her how I feel, because I can't go any further holding in my feelings.

 

There are two possible resultants. A) She professes her secret love for me and we live happily ever after (from my interpretations, I give that possibility a 1% to 5% chance). B) She tells me she does not share the feelings, and the normal "We are too good of friends to date." (95% to 99% chance). Now if probability works out as intended, I am pretty sure that resultant B will occur. Therefore, I have decided to tell her because thats best for me. The thing is, I don't think I want to go on with this if she doesn't share my feelings, because just being around her would remind me of my love and all. So how or what should I say with respect to that.

[butterflyz]

so, from what i gather you are hanging out with her because you have feelings for her? am i right? then, if she says no to dating you need to back off and not hang out with her.

 

reason being is that you really are not "friends" you are friendly hoping for something more. if you cannot truely be her friend, then you need to remove yourself from the situation, other wise things will get ugly and more feelings will get hurt.

 

if you are going to tell her how you feel, you might want to try saying something when she says that she can't find a nice guy. you can say, "well, i'm a nice guy and i would love to take you out, so don't fear, nice guys like you too." and see what she says. if you say it light hearted, like you are consoling her and making her feel better about herself, it won't come off sounding corny.

[jgold03]

it started off platonically but i later wanted it to be more. i understand what your saying but how should i tell her, and i guess end it at the same time?

[ACE123]

butterflyz said:

you really are not "friends" you are friendly hoping for something more. if you cannot truely be her friend, then you need to remove yourself from the situation, other wise things will get ugly and more feelings will get hurt.

 

That's what I was getting at jgold.

 

If you really want to tell her that badly, I would go with the light hearted approach, if she declines, you've either wecked any possibilitiy of a friendship (however you may define it) or you struck gold, and that, my friend is the risk I mentioned in your previous post.

 

So....now it's up to you.

 

Do what you feel is the right thing, and either way, you can live with yourself knowing that you tried your best.

 

By the way, if she IS looking for a nice guy, looks shouldn't matter that much to her. (nor should they to you, be comfortable with yourself!)

However, on that note, my girlfriend was telling me about a guy she was seeing years ago who's nose was a major turn off.

NOSE?!?!?!

Can you believe that?

She said he was a really nice guy but his nose made her want to vomit!!!

Crazy man, crazy!

Oh well I guess you never know, eh?

 

Good Luck!

 

ACE123

[sumdude]

Well, this tension has to be released one way or another else will just torture yourself longer. It seems you can't go on with a platonic relationship with this girl because the feelings are too strong. Take a week or two and don't hang out with her. Sort out yopur feelings. See what life is like when you don't see her. If you're sure of your feelings for her then just up and tell her. Honesty with yourself and her is the best route. The truth works. You may not get what you want but at least you will know the score and be able to move on if things don't work out. If things don't happen you'll feel pretty bad for a bit but at least you'll know. Until this is resolved you won't feel like you can move on with your life. I've been there, more than once.

[HokeyReligions]

Why don't you just tell her that you have been developing feeling for her that are more than friendship and that you would like to explore the possiblity of dating. Give her an opening to say no and yourself an out though. Something like telling her that if she says she is not interested that is okay - it was worth a shot, but that want to pull back a little and get some distance before you can resume a close friendship. Then, if you want to stay in touch with her, ask her if it would be okay if you share emails sometimes and maybe get together after the holidays.

 

If I were her I would be flattered and very happy to know someone cared about me, and if she is truly a friend she may feel a little bad or awkward about hurting your feelings, but won't want to end the friendship. A little distance won't hurt and if and when you are ready to resume the friendship you can send her an email or call her and tell her to meet for lunch or something. If you feel a little embarassed about it, just laugh it off -- tell her that crushes happen to everyone if they are lucky and that you are luckier than most because you developed a crush on one of your best friends!