After 2 months I finally got the apology I deserve, anonymously...what does he want?

[Cherbear]

I got an email from [email protected] yesterday. Here's the email:

 

"Hi,

 

I just want to wish you a happy Valentine's Day, happy new year (year of the pig!), and happy birthday - even though the latter 2 aren't for another few days. I also want to tell you how sorry I am for all the awful things I have done in the past. I hope everything is going well for you and that receiving this does not upset you. If you ever want to talk, you know how to get ahold of me. If not, I completely understand. Either way, please take care of yourself."

 

And today i got an anonymous gift on facebook and the message: "I'm not sure if my email went through, so...

I hope you had a great Valentine's Day and have a great new year. I'm so sorry for the pain I have caused and really hope this message doesn't upset you."

 

The happy new year thing he mentioned is the Chinese new year which is 3 days away. I'm Chinese American. He's Caucasian. He's a senior in college(very immature) and I'm a second-year grad student.

 

He broke up with me 2 months ago, begged me to leave him alone and wanted nothing to do with me. We are each other's first love and it was pretty devastating for me. I dont know why he is doing this now and why anonymous. If he really wants to apologize, why couldnt he man up and use his own name and email? what does he want? Does he wanna get back together or something? Why anonymous then?

 

Please share your opinion with me. And please dont despise me but i log into his facebook account just to make sure it's from him. The gift and message are indeed from him.

 

Thanks a lot!!

[LaughMachine]

Thats pretty silly yet sweet that he tried to conceal his identity..even though It's pretty evident that It's him. Well I can't really try to tell you why he didn't exactly tell you It was from him, however I can relate to doing silly and unnecessary things via a concealed identity. Just for the heck of it.Can't explain why, I just did. I think It's part of him being embarassed and scared to " directly" apologize for the hurt he has caused you. I would take it with a grain of salt because if you two are truly broken up this will only prolong your pain!!!!

 

Any way, sorry to hear this was devastating for you...

[Krytellan]

I'm so sorry for the pain I have caused and really hope this message doesn't upset you."

 

It is so incredibly obvious that this was exactly what he was hoping to do, upset you. He explicitly mentioned twice. This guy's and ass.

[Art_Critic]

concealing his identity is what I don't understand.. Why send an email that the person would know who it was from and conceal your identity..

 

Ignore it until he is a man about it and shows his face.. otherwise he is just a coward hiding behind email..

If you respond to it he will just ignore you.. so don't reply

[LaughMachine]

I agree. But hey atleast it wasn't two years later...

[Cherbear]

Thanks for the replies.

 

My guess is he's playing games with me. He's very immature and likes to do that a lot. We broke up before but everytime I chased him back until last time I decided to do nothing and move on. There was once he wanted to get back with me he left me a message saying if i dont call him back it's fine too but in fact he wanted me back so much at that time. He likes to play cool. And maybe this way I could be the one to chase him back again.

 

So I will not reply. I mean, if people expect a response, they wouldnt use anonymous right?

 

But his behavior is just so weird that I dont understand.

[Cherbear]

More opinions please...

 

Still confused and bothered by this.

[Cherbear]

Just now I logged into facebook and found that his status is "Robert is waiting." And then "Robert is not happy."

 

So obviously he's waiting for me to reply and since i haven't yet he is saying he's unhappy. But again when people expect a response, they wouldnt use anonymous right? Then why is he doing this now? He sounds like I owe him a response or something.

 

What should i do?

[CaliGuy]

Just now I logged into facebook and found that his status is "Robert is waiting." And then "Robert is not happy."

 

So obviously he's waiting for me to reply and since i haven't yet he is saying he's unhappy. But again when people expect a response, they wouldnt use anonymous right? Then why is he doing this now? He sounds like I owe him a response or something.

 

What should i do?

 

 

Do nothing.

Say nothing.

[Violet_Sky]

I mean keep not responding to his silly messages....Robert is unhappy....oh, poor baby...how many times has he made YOU unhappy when he broke up with you?

[Cherbear]

"Robert is dru nk and misdsi9 nig5 the girl."

 

I'm on the verge of responding to him...help!

[Violet_Sky]

Don't respond....especially on a FRIDAY night. Do you want him to think you're HOME on a Friday night on Loveshack? NOOOOOOO.

Don't do it.

myspace messages, NOOOO. If he calls....don't answer tonight, you're out having fun.

He needs to miss you a LOT more.

[Grrlish]

Do nothing.

Say nothing.

 

 

Ditto.

Ditto.

Ditto.

 

He's playing games - BIG time. Run, don't walk, to your nearest exit.

 

Pay him no attention whatsoever. He's just trying to figure out if he still has you on the hook. Wiggle free, girl, and swim away!

[Cherbear]

Did I mention deep down I still want him back? I just don't make it so easy for him. He's very immature and if I made it easy for him he wouldn't cherish it. I made that mistake before.

 

He broke up with me before. And the second he posted silly setimental messages such as "Robert is never going to get over it. never going to be happy again.", I jumped right back at him saying I wanna be with him. THen all of a sudden his attitude changed, saying he didn't know i was reading those online messages; he just had a rough day; it didn't mean anything; blablabla.

 

This time I didn't do anything after our breakup. I was tired and didn't wanna be the only one working on it. I wanted to move on b/c i didn't expect him to contact me since he was really being a jerk when we broke up. And i guess i wanna move on b/c i dont wanna be hurt by him again not b/c i stopped loving him. And now he's posting these messages again. I know I shouldn't jump back at him like what i did last time. But i dont know what i should do to make it not easy for him. I remember when i made it easy for him last time, he was even confused asking me why are you making this easy for me. So I guess I should play hard to get this time so that he would cherish what he has b/c he fought hard for it. But how? Just totally ignore him? Should I go on aim putting up an away message or not go on it at all?

[Island Girl]

My guess is he's playing games with me. He's very immature and likes to do that a lot. We broke up before but everytime I chased him back until last time I decided to do nothing and move on. There was once he wanted to get back with me he left me a message saying if i dont call him back it's fine too but in fact he wanted me back so much at that time. He likes to play cool. And maybe this way I could be the one to chase him back again.

 

You are exactly right.

 

He does want you to chase him. He is immature.

 

You mentioned that you want him back. I don't know why - but whatever.

 

If you want him back, and you want a difference for once in the relationship. He has to be the one to put out the effort. And considering how many times this has happened (more than once) the effort has to be considerable.

 

The e-mails are half-a$$ed. E-mail is easy. Texts are easy. Face to face is harder but even WHEN he does this - he needs to show in actions not words and that point needs to be VERY clear. That is up to you. The way you demand to be treated starts there - the way he has to work to get you back.

 

People take better care of something they have had to work for in all aspects of life including relationships.

 

He is longing for attention from you. Perhaps he needs a confidence boost or something - maybe he is really missing you. Either way it is a mistake for you to make any move at all.

 

If he talks to you, you should tell him that, although you care for him, you don't want the relationship back as it was before and that is what you see in the future if you were to get back together with him. He'll probably protest. Just tell him actions speak louder than words. If he asks what he needs to do (it's a possibility) just tell him he needs to figure it out.

 

Then keep doing what you are doing now - NOTHING - and let him show you how much he wants you back and what he is willing to do to get you back.

 

If he does nothing, he just wanted you to chase him for an ego boost so he could dump you again so you've lost nothing by doing nothing.

 

Good Luck.

[Trialbyfire]

Absolutely actions speak louder than words. And what's this "Robert" this and that? This speaking of yourself as a third party is very immature.

 

If you honestly want him back, let him chase you until he breaks down and either calls you or comes to see you in person. When he does, let him know in no uncertain terms that you need a man not a boy.

[Cherbear]

Ok, he deleted all the he's not happy, he's drunk and missing me messages.

 

What does it mean? Does it mean he lost interests in me b/c i didnt respond?

 

Guys' psychology here again, which i dont understand...

[Island Girl]

He's playing another tactic to get you to respond to him.

 

Don't. Do not do anything until he comes to you and tells you he wants you back in his life to your face. Remember you ARE worth it and that HE hasn't thought so up til now. HIS mistake. Don't make it yours.

 

And then as I said before he will have to show by actions that he wants you back. Do not make it so easy for him to discard you and have you back the minute he feels like it or you'll get more of the same.

[Cherbear]

After being online("away") for 3 hours(both of us), he initiated the conversation: (R is him, C is me)

 

R: hi, i just wanted to say i hope you're having a great new year, i wont bother you again

(here he's admitting he's the one sending the email and message)

C: thanks and u didnt bother me

(what i actually meant is since you are a coward, the anonymous guy, aka you, bothered me. but i guess i didnt sound like that online)

R: lucky i checked my messages before heading out then

C: good

R: how's the near year going for ya?

C: good

R: thats good to hear

R: do anything special?

C: except parades and free chinese food, none

R: thats pretty special, unless you always attend parads and get free food :-)

C: didnt u say u r heading out

R: i need to grab dinner before a meeting, but that cant wait a little bit

C: cant?

R: sorry, "can"

R: typo

R: good pianist on that link, by the way

(he meant the link on my away message. it's a song/video that i like.)

C: thanks

C: i like that video

R: me too, although i couldnt understand all of it (except for the lyrics)

(of course he wouldnt understand it. it's in chinese! i think he's just sucking up to me now)

C: that's normal

R: ya

R: so what have you been up to lately?

C: the usual stuff

R: like research?

C: yup

R: is it coming any easier?

C: not exactly

R: thats too bad, what seems to be the problem or is it the same old computer science stuff?

C: pretty much that

R: well, my services are always available

(yeah, right) (he's a computer science major)

C: thanks

R: np

C: well, i have to go meet my friends

(I cut it short on purpose)

R: ok, i'll let ya go

C: thanks for the new year's wish

R: no problem

R: have a good time

 

So this is the entire convo we've had since 2 months ago. How did i do? where did i go wrong? should i go on aim again? if so, if he talks to me again, should i respond?

 

Thanks a lot! I don't wanna ruin it. I want him back but he has to work for it big time, considering all the hurt he brought me. And he'll only cherish something that's so hard to get.

[Island Girl]

I think you did fine with the contact.

 

However do not log in again. It is too easy for him to chat which then lulls him into the feeling that it will be easy to get you back.

 

If he wants you back he has to know it is way different this time. That is dictated by you.

 

Remember this:

 

If he had wanted to apologize to clear his conscience (and not anything else) he could have very easily sent an e-mail detailing that, signed it, and left it at that.

He didn't.

 

He keeps reaching out in these pathetic ways. Trying to make you jump as you have in the past.

 

Don't do it.

 

This is the time when you can decide what type of relationship you want - with him - or anyone else.

 

Think very seriously about it.

 

You deserve picnics, concerts in the park, loving conversations, bubble baths and wine, intimate moments, long walks, conflict with resolution where the other person is just as committed as you are, movies, dinner at home, etc. Whatever floats your boat.

 

You get what you feel you deserve. And you deserve it all - don't you?

 

You are obviously brilliant and have your entire future before you. You deserve someone who values being part of that picture.

 

You have sacrificed a lot of your self-respect by chasing him after the break ups. You are better than that.

 

Please keep this in mind -- this guy is NOT special at this point.

 

There are a million attractive guys who will treat you badly - not valuing you or what light you add to their life - that is what he has done so he is what? Yep - not special.

 

What makes a guy special is how he treats you. The only thing a bad guy does really well is keep the good guys away.

 

So don't settle. You deserve better. You need to get to the point where you truly believe that and if a guy doesn't get it you walk. If he walks because he doesn't get it, let him. Don't chase after him to try to convince him. People do better coming to the realization of what they've lost when they come to that conclusion on their own.

If they don't come to that conclusion, they were never going to so let the idiots walk.

 

If you really get to the point where you believe this at your core, you will be less likely to make mistakes of sacrificing your self-esteem or self-respect in any relationship - including how you handle this guy.

 

Just remember, where he or anyone else is concerned, talk is cheap.

 

Actions speak louder than words. He has to show action. It has been too easy for him to reel you in, throw you back, and reel you in again.

This time he has to commit to the decision that this is what he wants and he is going to have to fight to get back what he so hastily discarded because you deserve his best - not his half-a$$ed e-mails or chats.

 

I really hope this helps.

[Cherbear]

I will not go online tonight any more. He can't just small talk to me on aim. He didn't even have the balls to call me. I can't make this easy for him by going online and letting him make chit chats with me. Reading your post actually made me cry. You are absolutely right. I have my own future in front of me. I have big dreams. And I deserve those things you said that I deserve. Thank you so much.

[Cherbear]

His away message on aim is "raging it up to dull the pain and forget the past... its not working". And 2 days ago his status on facebook is "playing warcraft in an attempt to forget. It's not working."

 

I now have this feeling maybe he's not playing games, maybe a little, but he's suffering for real. I mean, he knows i'd check his facebook status so he may be just writing that to bait me. But now he set his away message this way after i signed off(i signed back on and saw it but he didnt know that). Although there's a possiblity that i'll sign back on. Probably that's why he's come back to his computer checking his aim every hour and then leave.(I'm invisible so he doesnt know.)

 

So now i'm thinking maybe he's really in pain. But then if he's in great pain why wouldnt he pick up the phone and call me? We are long distance so i dont blame him for showing up my door. But is a phone call really that hard? we used to phone each other several times a day. And i dont wanna do anything to directly encourage him to call me. Something like this happened before. He was all sad and stuff but after i asked him online "why dont you give me a call", he knew i wanted him to call me. Then he changed his attitude all of a sudden saying he's just had a rough day. So i'm not gonna do that this time.

 

Do you think he's for real this time?

[suchislife]

No, I don't. If he were for real, he would be THERE, not using technology to hide behind.

 

Trust me on this, I survived the Mad Texter.

 

Move on.

[Cherbear]

I am still invisible. I dont know whether he knows i'm actually online or not. If he clicked on my profile, then he'd know i am. why the hell hasn't he called yet???

[Island Girl]

I am still invisible. I dont know whether he knows i'm actually online or not. If he clicked on my profile, then he'd know i am. why the hell hasn't he called yet???

 

Hey Cherbear -

 

Sorry I haven't logged on in a couple of days.

 

OK - he hasn't called because he is waiting for you to make a move - like you usually do.

 

DO NOT. It is the same pattern.

 

He breaks up with you and then you run after him - he cracks the door open to see if you still care and there you are right outside the door waiting...

 

The only way to change the relationship that you have had a couple of times is to change your normal reactions. Not responding to texts or "poor me" messages.

 

He did this to himself. If he is "hurting" SO WHAT?!!!! WEREN'T YOU?!!!

 

And he knew you were and he didn't rush to make it okay for you, did he?

 

So why should you? He is NOT your boyfriend. He doesn't get the lovey dovey cuddle treatment to help him feel okay! THAT is what he discarded so easily remember?

 

The way he will value it is to miss it. The way he will think twice about discarding it is working to get it back.

 

He'll have to reach out - not "meet me half way" either. That is what he does by baiting you. He gets you to run out to meet his very small pitiful effort.

How hard is it to type -- ? Really?

 

Quit logging in to AIM. Just stop logging in! Don't read his messages. He is going to have to at least call. You need to see him make himself vulnerable to you. Typing doesn't cut it. And don't go reading into it. I can tell you are because of the "he must be really hurting" comment above.

You don't know that. He hasn't TOLD you that. Unless those words come directly from him to you then he isn't. He is just baiting. Same old same old.

So if you want the same relationship with the same result at the end, as it has been, then go ahead and make it easy for him.

 

If you want a different relationship where he has more respect for you and what you bring to his life - if you want him to cherish you a little bit more - he has to do the work to get you back. He has to really put himself on the line.

 

Think about it. If you had screwed up, and let someone go from your life that you loved and wanted back BADLY, how far would you go to say you were sorry and wanted another chance? Would you write something bogus and indirect like "trying to forget" on your AIM? Or would you try to talk to him personally?

 

I think you'd try to talk to him personally and probably a couple of times at least. So shouldn't he have to reach out to you at least ONCE?!

 

Wait for him to call or show up. Seriously. And if you get the same cryptic messages by AIM or e-mail, don't jump on them like you have in the past like "this is my way back in!" - he has to make his way back to you and that takes ACTION. He should be SPELLING IT OUT to you.

 

None of this passive message crap where he doesn't have to expose himself or his feelings - just hint at them. Don't buy it.

 

Stay strong Cherbear. You are worth the effort, right? So make him see that. If he doesn't, he never is going to and that is his loss.