After 2 months I finally got the apology I deserve, anonymously...what does he want?

[Cherbear]

Dear Island Girl,

 

On one hand, I think what you said is absolutely reasonable and I wanna stop logging on aim so he'll have to call me. On the other hand, however, some other people are saying if I do complete NC again, like stopping going on aim, he'd think i'm completely uninterested and he'll stop even this half-aXXed attempts. So aside from your suggestions, some other suggestions i got are do the same thing to him. Like post subtle messages like his online, drop little hints like he does just to let him know i'm still interested and let him pick up from there.

 

I dont know which to follow. Personally i think i even tend to follow the latter b/c my ex doesnt have much experience with relationship. what if he doesnt even know he's supposed to call if he wants me back? i mean, he apologized and made it pretty clear it's from him and yet use anonymous address. he's just immature and may not even know what he was doing.

 

Your thoughts, please...

[Johnny B]

Cherbear -

 

I'm not sure why you are trying to rationalize his behavior. If you were giving advice to a friend and were being totally objective you would see that what everyone else is saying is right.

 

He needs to make a sincere effort to talk to you... these games are immature and frankly pathetic.

 

You might know my story... over the past 3 weeks I've done everything humanly possible to try to get my ex back. She knows without question, but she's moved on.

 

I wanted to be no doubt to I tried wholeheartedly, b/c I wanted her back.... Dont you think he should do the same?

 

J

[emerald_isle]

Hi Cherbear,

 

If you make the first move, I think it's safe to say you can get him back. However, as you say, he's immature both in general and in relationships, so I think it's also safe to say that at some point he'll break it off with you again. Even if you make him suffer until the point that he calls you, he may break up with you again since it seems to be his pattern, but you never know. Do what you feel in your heart is right for you, but if you really want to get him back, you definitely need to make him work for you.

[Cherbear]

You might know my story... over the past 3 weeks I've done everything humanly possible to try to get my ex back. She knows without question, but she's moved on.

 

I wanted to be no doubt to I tried wholeheartedly, b/c I wanted her back.... Dont you think he should do the same?

 

J

 

Johnny B,

 

I wonder if your ex didn't have a new b/f now, will you still want her back? In my situation here, I don't have a new b/f yet and my ex knows that. So he doesn't have such a strong motivation as you do. If your ex didnt have someone new and you still want her back, would you play some games first to test the waters?

 

But you are right. I hate games. But this is him. I remember once his roommate Craig make a joke on him and he was so mad. Craig tried to apologize for several times and he just gave him cold shoulders. Then it's winter break. Craig was leaving for home. My ex left his room door open for that whole day hoping Craig would come in but Craig was afraid to try again since he'd already apologized multiple times. So he didn't go say good bye to my ex. Then about 2 mins before Craig went inside his car and leave, my ex rushed outside and gave him a hug and wished him a good break.

 

So you see my point here? He's always waiting for others to make the first move, not just in relationships. Not until the last moment, he wouldnt give in. So i'm thinking not until i have another b/f he wouldnt come clear out and say it.

 

You think?

[Cherbear]

Hi Cherbear,

 

if you really want to get him back, you definitely need to make him work for you.

 

You are right. I'm definitely not making the first move.

 

But how to make him work for it? he maybe too immature to know he's supposed to work for it. By just telling him?

[emerald_isle]

You are right. I'm definitely not making the first move.

 

But how to make him work for it? he maybe too immature to know he's supposed to work for it. By just telling him?

 

Like Changwang said, it may not be in your ex's nature to flat out ask you back, or it may be that he's immature or too prideful, and you may have to bite the bullet on that one and tell him first that you want to get back together. If you decide to do that, though, make him sweat for it A LOT longer. That way, if he's truly incapable of coming to you first and you decide to make the first move, at least he's had an ample amount of time and anxiety over you to realize how much he values you.

[Island Girl]

...My ex left his room door open for that whole day hoping Craig would come in but Craig was afraid to try again since he'd already apologized multiple times. So he didn't go say good bye to my ex. Then about 2 mins before Craig went inside his car and leave, my ex rushed outside and gave him a hug and wished him a good break.

 

So you see my point here? He's always waiting for others to make the first move, not just in relationships. Not until the last moment, he wouldnt give in. So i'm thinking not until i have another b/f he wouldnt come clear out and say it.

 

If he wants something - an end result he does something about it.

 

Why are you willing to put out so much effort for a guy who tossed you aside at least a couple of times?

 

C'MON! I mean REALLY! You are better than that. If you want him to see that it is NOT by making it easy for him to get you to respond by lame message crap.

 

What he has been doing on AIM is completely immature. Not attractive but childish.

 

He has to grow up. He has to step up and evolve. The last time guys were doing that kind of thing to me - and getting any response - was in high school!

 

I demand respect in my relationships. And romantically, if a guy has something to say, he has to SAY it.

 

Trust me, if he wants to bad enough, he will. And why should you accept less from him?

 

Does his pathetic childish manipulative behavior excuse him from giving you the respect of talking to you? Of being honest about how he feels? About being vulnerable to you? No.

 

IF he gets you back he ought to cherish that chance to have you again and treat you as someone who he cares about - that he wants you in his life - and think twice before dumping you again. He won't if you make it easy. He just won't. Sorry -- but it won't work out AGAIN and he'll dump you and the cycle starts again...

 

If he doesn't want you back bad enough to "sacrifice", and actually speak to you, then what is to come of the relationship? Is it going to work out in the end? No. No, it won't. Because if he doesn't care enough to put in the effort then why should he care enough to stick "when the going gets rough"? He won't.

That would be HIS loss. Not yours.

 

What do you lose? Nothing.

 

What does he lose? The chance to be with someone who really cares about him. An intelligent attractive girl who has her whole life ahead of her with great things in store for her. That's a lot.

 

DO NOT SETTLE. You have so many times where he is concerned. He doesn't deserve it. Not as it is right now. Make him have to make an effort - a real effort - so he won't see you as someone he can so easily toss aside. And, sorry, worthless and weak. You aren't are you? And you deserve the effort don't you?

 

You are stronger than in the past. Borrow your strength from us here if you have to - until you really feel it.

 

Just remember - what you are asking for is easy.

 

Is it that hard to pick up the phone and call to say whatever he has to say? Would it be that hard for you? -- You'd do it. He should do it.

 

It isn't hard and you should demand AT LEAST that much effort.

 

If he doesn't then he was never going to and you haven't lost anything but that same feeling of being tossed aside again.

[Island Girl]

Dear Island Girl,

 

On one hand, I think what you said is absolutely reasonable and I wanna stop logging on aim so he'll have to call me.

 

Yes, it is absolutely reasonable given his past behavior toward you.

 

On the other hand, however, some other people are saying if I do complete NC again, like stopping going on aim, he'd think i'm completely uninterested and he'll stop even this half-aXXed attempts.

 

WHAT?! Of course you aren't interested - at least not right now. Not as is stands right now. He should think you aren't interested seeing as how he already "anonymously" ADMITTED that he treated you badly!

 

You may want him back. But you want it to be different, don't you? Otherwise you are setting yourself up for more of the same.

 

How many times have you rushed back to him to show him how much YOU care?

 

And you don't think he should have to SHOW YOU at least once?

 

So aside from your suggestions, some other suggestions i got are do the same thing to him. Like post subtle messages like his online, drop little hints like he does just to let him know i'm still interested and let him pick up from there.

 

Bad idea. Really a bad idea. He should be knocking on the door, letting you know who it is and what he wants before you open it - does that translate?

 

Right now he is making childish pathetic very minor gestures. You are supposed to open the door?

So then the message you send is that, "I'm here. Waiting and willing. I sit here pining away...just waiting for you...even though you broke my heart at least a couple of times...I'll keep coming back! Kick me out the door, tell me you don't want me - I'll keep waiting for my chance to come back to all of it!"

 

You deserve soooooooo much better than that. Really think about it.

 

You deserve him coming back to you, telling you verbally, how sorry he is, that he misses you, and that he wants you back - for starters.

 

I dont know which to follow. Personally i think i even tend to follow the latter b/c my ex doesnt have much experience with relationship.

 

It is the nature of things. If you want something or someone you go after them. If you hurt someone and you want it fixed you apologize.

 

If he isn't smart enough or mature enough to understand that or do that then you don't want him. He'll just continue to be self-absorbed and immature and YOU'LL end up carrying the relationship and then dumped.

 

what if he doesnt even know he's supposed to call if he wants me back?

 

Does he have an IQ of less than 70?

 

Seriously. Read your question again. ?!?!?

 

i mean, he apologized and made it pretty clear it's from him and yet use anonymous address. he's just immature and may not even know what he was doing.

 

He knew he had to apologize but couldn't show enough vulnerability or maturity to sign an e-mail. Are you kidding me? An e-mail? It is the easiest medium there is to say what you need to say to someone.

 

He is baiting you. He knows exactly what he is doing. He has done it in the past. After so carelessly discarding you, he cracks the door as if to say 'I may want you back' and then waits for you to beat the door down to be back.

 

That way he doesn't have to be vulnerable. He can stay removed from the emotion and not have to put in any effort at all.

 

So you want to allow him to continue along the same path and treat you that way?

 

No. You want more for yourself. You deserve more.

I want more for you. I know you deserve more because anyone deserves better than how you have been treated.

 

But you will not get it until you believe it and demand it.