I love him

[guest]

I need to talk about this but I cant share this secret with anyone for real. Even when I tried like two years ago to bring this up to a friend who doesn't even know him I was lectured and that doesn't help me! He is married with two kids, and I consider myself a moral person and will not break up his marriage. We have never talked about our feelings out loud and have never acted on them. But every time I see him it kills me inside. I used to be able to convince myself that I would get over him, but then as soon as I saw him at our next class or meeting I would fall for him all over again.

 

Now I accept that I love him. It's been three years, that is long enough to know. I know for a fact that he regrets getting married so young. He has been married 8 years and even told me its better to live together before marriage b/c otherwise you will realise too late that you aren't compatible (and he didn't live w/ his wife before marriage).

 

Talking to him is NOT like talking to a married guy, I forget he's even married. See we've been through alot together. 3 years in a intense program where we take the same classes, do group projects (always choose each other) and in the beggining we shared intimate detailes about each other b/c right away we gelled. He was there for me through good times and bad, when I broke up with a long time bf, and advise me on how that guy was all wrong for me.

 

He makes me feel beautiful even when I complain about my body he told me I have a nice body, and that guys don't like super skinny girls (his wife is skinny btw) and even that I have a nice backside. I used to try to push my feelings for him aside but now I know they are a part of me and always will be. There are so many things we used to talk about, even really personal things, and I could always count on him whenever I needed someone to talk to.

 

But for a while he stopped taking my calls, except if he wasn't at home, I was like wtf?, but I realised his wife must have been giving him a hard time b/c there was another girl in the program who was flirting w/ him in obvious ways (I never flirt w/him) and he could not stand her, we ALL hated her, and he even changed out of our group so she would get the picture (he even asked my advise on this, instead of talking to his wife!). But he was always still there for me, and somehow he took all of the same classes as me even when there were other options.

 

He used to email me now and then but ever since that girl made his wife get jealous he only answers my calls etc if he's at school, and only talks real quick, so I stopped calling him altogether b/c I don't want to lose him esp. if his wife sees my call on his phone I know I'll be out like that other girl. Now I keep things strictly in person, even though I miss him alot, I know I'll get to see him the following day. So eventually time passed as far as what happened with the flirty girl, and in class he and I joke again and he is so cute, but it's not like it was before. He teases me like before and we're back to choosing each other for group projects, but sometimes he seems like he's putting distance.

 

But we even meet between classes to talk about our project (when he could go home to his wife, its like a four-hour brake and he could have just emailed me about it but he chose not to and I only wish we could hang out more often). I know he is hiding his feelings b/c he is extremely responsible and won't leave his kids, and I respect that so much. I would never want him to leave his family for me, I want him to do it for himself when he's ready b/c he deserves happiness in his life,not to be punished his whole life for a mistake he made when he was young.

 

I know that he and his wife won't work out in the end b/c people who stay together for the kids never work out. They were just too young. We graduate next qtr and I know that in the field we're in I will always easily be able to find him (it's a very close-nit profession) and I will NEVER lose touch w/ him, and I will be there for him when he finally breaks up w/ his wife b/c he was there for me. If he had waited until he was more mature then he would never have married her.

 

For graduation I know we will sit together of course and I know his wife will be in the audience but during the ceremony she won't be able to see if I take his hand or give him that special "look". I don't know if I'll have it in me but I want him to know that I understand that he must be loyal to his wife until he is truly ready to move on. I don't know how it has worked out w/ anyone else but he deserves to be happy. I do love him, ever since we became close I have known that I love him. I wish I could tell him but for now I am happy just having him in my life.