I'd like a second chance but I think I have none

[kimba]

Some of you might have read about my pathetic and sad situation. My other thread is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110562/

 

I put this into second chances because this is what i want. Its not a boyfriend I'm talking about , he was my best male friend.

 

Its been 3 weeks now (January 25th) since we had the last conversation. The one where he said he misses me, cares about me and always will. The one where he said the friendship is over. But I know how close we were and I can't believe that that's it. I wonder if he's missing me more now and has changed his mind and thinks that he can't do anything about it now (unlikely though).

 

I'm busy, I'm doing stuff, I'm moving on. BUT when I DO have moments of missing him those moments are more painful and more intense than they were. Because now it seems more real.

 

It's awful. Today has been the first day that I've really wanted to call him. I just think this silence between us is wrong. So I rang but when it got to the answering machine I didn't know what to say so I said nothing.

 

I just miss him soooo much. I hate it. I wish I could get past it.

 

Should I call? or would that be just the stupidest thing I could ever do.?

 

I wish I knew how he is.

[magichands]

Should you call? Let me see...

that

would

be just the stupidest thing

you

could ever do.

Well, maybe not the stupidest. But it's up there near the top, probably.

I wish I knew how he is.

If he really wanted to be with you, he would. Now think about something else. Like penguins.

 

And your situation is not pathetic and sad. It's your life. Things will get better. All these feelings you are going through, and dealing with, will make you a stronger person.

[kimba]

All these feelings you are going through, and dealing with, will make you a stronger person.

 

that's not a great deal of comfort to me right now seeing as though in the last 9 months my father has died and i lost my best male friend. The two most significant men in my life. Gone.

[magichands]

Sorry about your father. I think he would want you to put a smile on your face, pick yourself up, get out there, and think about penguins. OK, maybe not the penguins.

 

Try and train your mind to think about something else. You need distractions. Preferably things that you really want to do before you die. Make a list, maybe.

 

There's a whole world out there. I know that right now you probably don't have the slightest bit of interest in it, but it is interested in you. Give it a chance.

[kimba]

Ofcourse I'm interested in life. Things are moving along quite nicely for me. I just miss my friend. We were inseperable.

[magichands]

I miss my avatar, too. You can't just conjure something (or someone) up to fill a "gap" in your life. This is a period of transition. You have to try to help yourself. Calling him is not the way forward.

 

It's good to hear that things (otherwise) are going well for you. I wish I could say the same for me. So it's your turn to cheer me up.

 

On second thoughts, don't bother. I like being miserable.

[kimba]

I've got to say magic, you are a mystery wrapped in a riddle (and no doubt you'll say something wierd about that. So what IS your story?

[kimba]

He's an absolute prick as well and I am quite mad because I feel it is all unfinished. he ended the friendship based on absolute rubbish. He thought my behaviour (being upset over the holiday being cancelled was ABOUT ME BEING IN LOVE WITH HIM!!!! WTF??? I only found this out recently from a friend of mine. So he's sitting around thinking that I am in love with him and he broke up the friendship because it 'was best for me' ! He has absolutely no idea about grief. When one of my friends said something about how i didn't need all of this on top of dads death his reply was sarcastic and scoffing. Like "yeah right, sure thing she's still grieving after 9 months" thats not what he said - it was the attitude. Like I was using it as an excuse for irrational behaviour.

 

I just feel it is unfinished . I feel in two minds . That i want to send him a letter telling him exactly how gutless and selfish and egostistical he has been over this. I have nothing to lose.

 

Also that I want to do nothing because actions speak louder than words. BUT it is just niggling away at me so much. I just think HOW DARE he think that my grief was over HIM!! How DARE he!! It makes my blood boil.

 

What should I do about this.?

[magichands]

It makes my blood boil.

It's OK to be angry. Of course, it is much better if you are also naked, and have somebody to take it out on. Maybe two or three times, for good measure.

 

Probably the best way to move on, is to find somebody who appreciates you a lot more than he did. The chances of that happening are always better when you aren't carrying baggage from past experiences. And when your heart is truly open to others.

 

Try to forget this egomaniac. He is not worth boiling your blood for.

[thecount]

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[thecount]

Did you ever stop to think that maybe he's inlove with you and doesn't know how to deal with it?

[kimba]

Try to forget this egomaniac. He is not worth boiling your blood for.

 

That is so true. He is SUCH and ego maniac. There has been a bit of a development.

 

He rang my best friend last night who he hasn't rung for several weeks.

He finally ended up asking how I am and she told him how great I am and all this stuff I am achieving at the moment. and how productive I am right now (and its all true, she wasn't exaggerating she reckons) and she said there were all these awkward silences from him and he just said " Oh... right ... Oh .. ok .." And he didn't even say "oh thats great , I'm glad she's ok - nothing like that... he fully expected for her to say " Oh dear , yes, well she's getting better, she is still crying most days, yeah she's really hurt and upset, she wishes you'd call and be friends again, she misses you so much."

 

then the subject came up about her birthday ( in 2 weeks) and she asked him how he would feel about being invited seeing as though obviously i would be there. This is someone who, THREE WEEKS AGO told me our friendship was over and he never wanted to see me again--- I said to him in our last conversation three weeks ago- hey lets not be strangers - lets keep in touch at least so we know how each other is. AND HE SAID NO HE WANTS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT!

 

he said Oh yeah, I'd like to go , I'd be quite interested to talk to her and see how she's going"

 

What's changed in three weeks? What - he realised he made a dumb ass mistake and didn't really realise what life would be like without me- his best friend????

 

The thing is- previously i was giving him all this attention by phoning to see if we could salvage the friendship and at least not be strangers. AND NOW! thanks to you beautiful people on LS I went hard core no contact three weeks ago and (I think) he's missing the ego rub that all that attention brought him.

What do you guys think?

 

 

 

Did you ever stop to think that maybe he's inlove with you and doesn't know how to deal with it?

He's gay, so no , that's not a possibility

[magichands]

What's changed in three weeks?

Just remember that people say a whole bunch of stuff they don't mean in the heat of the moment.

What - he realised he made a dumb ass mistake and didn't really realise what life would be like without me- his best friend????

Of course.

 

Now be careful!

[kimba]

What do you mean be careful magic?? I don't know what his intentions are, but hey i couldn't even put into words the hurt he has caused. I cannot put into words- it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I've never had someone 'end'a friendship with me. I'm the sort who keeps their friends for life. so this has been a real battering to me.

 

What do you suspect he is going to do from here? Or am i reading to much into it.

 

My friend who spoke to him last night said that she sensed a turn around in his feelings. But it makes me mad that its just as a result of me going No contact. I suffered so much.

[anatus]

It's tough to have a friend let you go so fast. Ask yourself, is he that good of a friend? I put my heart and soul into my friendships but I let the friendships that end abruptly go if they want to go. It seems that maybe you just need to chill and let your friend come back to you when he's ready. But be weary... Friendships don't just end because somebody says so. Shallow friendships do. I have learned that the way I am, how I treat my friends, and what I value as golden rules of friendship is not applicable to all of my friends. I don't doubt you love this person. I think you've had such a traumatic loss in your life that you need to deal with more than the loss of this friendship. I'm sorry but best friends do not call it quits or abandon each other emotionally in a time of need. I already know your answer - that you would never do this to him. If you get the oppotunity, ask him why he did this to you. Maybe his answer will allow you to move on with your life - without him. Maybe his answer will bring your friendship back together. I just couldn't trust somebody that does something like this to be honorable enough to hold the title of "best friend."

[kimba]

It's tough to have a friend let you go so fast. Ask yourself, is he that good of a friend? I put my heart and soul into my friendships but I let the friendships that end abruptly go if they want to go. It seems that maybe you just need to chill and let your friend come back to you when he's ready. But be weary... Friendships don't just end because somebody says so. Shallow friendships do. I have learned that the way I am, how I treat my friends, and what I value as golden rules of friendship is not applicable to all of my friends. I don't doubt you love this person. I think you've had such a traumatic loss in your life that you need to deal with more than the loss of this friendship. I'm sorry but best friends do not call it quits or abandon each other emotionally in a time of need. I already know your answer - that you would never do this to him. If you get the oppotunity, ask him why he did this to you. Maybe his answer will allow you to move on with your life - without him. Maybe his answer will bring your friendship back together. I just couldn't trust somebody that does something like this to be honorable enough to hold the title of "best friend."

 

Thankyou.

 

Yes, he was, and is, self centred egotist. My other friend that I've been talking about says she cannot believe how badly and how gutlessly he handled this situation. I just thought he had more integrity. But at the end of it all he really has no balls.

 

He ended our friendship OVER THE PHONE. Lousy. No, I'm starting to think he was just one of those "good time friends". You know, around for the partying. But at the end of the day he could not be around for my immense grief and the way i took it out on him and the other friend (who incidentally, also has had a parent die and was the one who actually worked out why i was behaving so horribly to people). Unresolved grief.

 

She says now that i just look different. My face is more relaxed, my body language, everything. I just had to get it out.

[magichands]

I mean, be careful you don't open yourself up to a "repeat performance" of the hurt you've been going through. Would his humble apology be enough for you to let him back into your life?

 

Stand up for yourself. If you really are prepared to forgive him, then make sure he is the one initiating the next contact. Don't let this "intelligence" from your friend weaken your stance toward him.

 

Be careful. I don't think you can trust him.

[kimba]

I mean, be careful you don't open yourself up to a "repeat performance" of the hurt you've been going through. Would his humble apology be enough for you to let him back into your life?

 

Stand up for yourself. If you really are prepared to forgive him, then make sure he is the one initiating the next contact. Don't let this "intelligence" from your friend weaken your stance toward him.

 

Be careful. I don't think you can trust him.

 

I agree, magic. I don't think I could trust him even if i wanted to. I don't even think he will actually apologise. My friend who spoke to him last night said:

 

"he will not apologise, he will just try and worm his way back to you through me. Thats why he called me really, to see how you were. I wasn't going to give him an ego rub though and tell him anything at all though about your emotional state"

 

No he would have to actually call me and say he made a stupid bloody mistake for me to even start to think about trusting him again. Theres no doubt I miss him. But he could actually have no intention of trying to start the friendship over. I don't know. its difficult to tell. He would really have to apologise till his ears bled.

 

Oh, and there is absolutely NO way that I would ever ring him now - thanks to the beauty of loveshack and the no contact gem. No way. He needs to sweat it a bit . And feel now, a bit of what I have been feeling for nearly 2 months.

 

I've finally got a smidgen of power back.

[anatus]

Kimba,

 

It seems you finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Good time friends may appear to be your best friends but if they cannot be around to let you cry and get your tears and snot all over their shoulders, they are genuine. It sounds like you have other friends you can rely on. You are capable of making new friends. Cry over this man - grieve the loss of the friendship and then move on. You've got a heart of gold and don't be afraid to give another person the chance you've given him. Maybe the next friendship you make will truly be a best friend - somebody that will let you cry on his or her shoulders.

 

D

[kimba]

Kimba,

 

It seems you finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Good time friends may appear to be your best friends but if they cannot be around to let you cry and get your tears and snot all over their shoulders, they are genuine. It sounds like you have other friends you can rely on. You are capable of making new friends. Cry over this man - grieve the loss of the friendship and then move on. You've got a heart of gold and don't be afraid to give another person the chance you've given him. Maybe the next friendship you make will truly be a best friend - somebody that will let you cry on his or her shoulders.

 

D

 

anatus,

 

thankyou for saying such lovely things and making his value so abundantly clear.

k:)

[magichands]

You never said thankyou to me!? Oh well... you're just lucky that I help people whether they ask for it or not.

[kimba]

 

Probably the best way to move on, is to find somebody who appreciates you a lot more than he did................Try to forget this egomaniac.

 

Magic,

 

sorry I've been taking you for granted. You know I am eternally grateful for hearing your wisdom on what a ****ing egomaniac he is. Thankyou very much for your comments. You are right. He didn't appreciate me. You're always on the money. Sometimes too honest (truth hurts) But I always take it in. :bunny: :bunny: *hugs* to the phant.

[kimba]

My friend and I predicted that he would end up calling her like he did the other night. They are not good friends or anything. Sort of like a friend of a friend. When me and him were friends he would ring her once in a blue moon. They sort of had contact with each other thru me.

 

So we thought that he would end up calling her to disguisedly find out how I am. Thats what he has done. So predictable. We even said it would be after 3 weeks of NC and thats what it was.

 

So my question is. My friend thinks that now she has told him how I'm apparently moving on and are productive and all this- he will actually start remembering my good points and the good times etc and really begin to miss me. So IF he ends up calling me how should i act? I'm not saying he will - and he probably won't- but I just want to be prepared for it if it happens.

[magichands]

sorry I've been taking you for granted.

I was just kidding. I know you love me.

*hugs* to the phant.

Better not hug you back. I get very tusky, and might try something.

So IF he ends up calling me how should i act?

I guess you have to decide whether you want him back in your life. Whatever happens, let him do all the talking. (Listen, and then say you'll think about what he has said. Something like that.)

[kimba]

I get very tusky, and might try something.

 

well, i can only hope....

 

I guess you have to decide whether you want him back in your life. Whatever happens, let him do all the talking. (Listen, and then say you'll think about what he has said. Something like that.)

 

what absolutely perfect advice that is. So simple. Yes. He can do all the talking.

 

Do you think its likely or unlikely he will actually end up calling? or have i read too much into it all.?