This was the only way to get my closure by Johnny B

[Johnny B]

To those of you who aren't familiar with my thread, here it is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t109548/

 

I'll begin by just saying to those of you who have consistenly written on my thread, thank you, and for what I'm going to write, it was the only way for me to get my closure and move on.

 

Over the past 2.5 months since my ex told me she had begun dating someone else, I just had so much hope that I could get my second chance if I could just show her how I've changed my stupid, arrogant, insecure ways.

It was just false hope.

 

I wasn't healing and I wasn't moving on b/c I had been the one to push her away and into the arms of another man. It was MY fault that I let the most important girl I ever met get away. I regret what I did to her.

 

As a result of limited contact, us exchanging xmas gifts, her getting me a small bday gift, along with ambiguous little notes and emails.. I had built a scenario in my mind that there is hope... So I wasn't moving on.

 

My decision was to have one final sit-down talk with her to let everything out.. everything that I felt and was keeping inside for a long time and she seemed interested. So much so that she said that she didn't want to rush it this week b/c she was busy with work and preparing to go away for the weekend, that she suggested to have a quite sit down at an old romantic restaurant of ours. My hope increased. I said ok.

 

But something wasn't right.. I knew that they were still together, how strong i wasn't sure, but I had hope and it was about to be crushed.

 

I phoned her last night to ask if her ex is going away for her for the weekend, without hesitation, she said yes. I also asked if they were officially a couple. She said yes.

My heart broke in a million pieces.

 

So I just went on to say everything I needed to say. There would be no romantic sit-down b/c she knew and now I knew that it was pointless. She just wanted to give me time to say what I wanted to say. I'm glad it didnt happen that way, with all my expectations so high in the air.

 

And while I was saying all of my hearts thoughts about how I've changed and how much she meant to me and that I put up defenses and projected my insecurities only b/c I was scared to fall for her, it didn't matter.

 

She only said that you never know what will happen and you can't have things the way you want them WHEN you want them. Also that she still wanted me as a friend and wants to see how I've changed, but there would be no moves to split with the current guy.

Well, that's all I had to hear.. More stringing me along and having her cake. I was not hearing any of that... she wanted to leave the door open so just in case things dont work out, I'd still be there.

 

So I was firm. I said no. We cannot be friends like this and I'm not leaving any doors open. This is my closure. You've heard everything I've had to say and you've made your decision, so that's it for me. I'm moving on.

 

So I said I have to go and thanked her for letting me say everything I had to say. I said good-bye and didnt wait for her response. I hung up.

 

Now my heart is heavy and sad and it really, really hurts right now... but this was my CATHARSIS... I can have no more hopes, regrets, wishes. I put myself out there, but without tears or pleading. I was calm and spoke sincerely from the heart. I think she knew I was being completely honest but for her aparently she's happy where she is.

 

SO THIS IS TRUELY THE BEGINNING OF MY NO CONTACT WITHOUT EXCEPTION

 

Everyone, thanks for listening. I'm sorry for not taking everyone's advice sooner, but nothing worked and I had to release all of that to move on. I don't know how many more posts I will put on here being that I need to move on in my life and this board reminds me of her... but all of you who have supported me, I truely am gratefull.. you are all wonderful and I wish all of you the best of luck in life and love.

 

Peace be with you,

Yours always,

Johnny

[Johnny B]

Does anyone have some thoughts on what I did and how best to move on...

 

If you're familiar with my thread, I work with this person so it isn't like it can be 100% NC. More like 99% and an acknowledgement in the hallway.

 

It's been a rough time for me.. any help would be appreciated.

 

Thanks,

J

[SassyNClassy]

Johnny,

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I think you did the right thing by getting everything off your chest. Otherwise you would have had the "what if" lingering in the back of your mind for a long time. Now you know her stance and you can move on knowing you did what needed to be done.

 

I don't really have much of a suggestion for how best to handle seeing her other than being polite with a simple nod when you see her. Other than that don't speak to her. Busy yourself with friends and making yourself happy. Soon enough you will find that you are ready for something new and these times of trouble and sadness will feel quite removed from your actual life.

 

I do want to add one thing though. You mentioned that she went back to her ex. Not to give anyone too much hope here, but this just goes to show all of you that people do return to their ex's. It may not be right away and usually only happens when you have moved on and have something to offer that person. So, to the naysayers of second chances...here is proof. It happens quite often.

 

Good luck Johnny. Just do what needs to be done to make YOU happy!

[Johnny B]

Thank you Sassy but let me correct you. Perhaps my typing is off b/c of my stress.

 

She did not go back to her Ex. This is a totally new guy that she met.. and as of December from what I can tell, they are doing fantastic. As I wrote she told me that she considers them a couple, not just seeing anymore and they're going on weekend trips together out of town.

 

So for me, it's truely over and time to move on but I'm just struggling with this so much right now, even with all of the answers I got and catharsis I had.

 

J

[Cherbear]

I wonder if your ex came back, will you cherish her and be with her for the rest of your life? Or after 2 months you would go for someone else? To be honest, as a girl I dont trust you that much especially you only wanted her back after someone wants her.

[Johnny B]

Cherbear -

I wish I could have learned my lesson some other way. I was spoiled by the fact that after we broke up, I started dating again and she wanted to remain a close friend of mine. It was ME having my cake and eating it too....

 

It's wrong, I know that now... I wish I could have done so many things differently...

 

Doesn't the world always right itself? Don't people get a second chance when they've realized the mistakes they've made and they hit rock bottom? It's not fair.. I really messed up but I would do anything for another chance.. unfortunately she seems happy where she is right now.

 

I hate this

[Am4Real]

Doesn't the world always right itself? Don't people get a second chance when they've realized the mistakes they've made and they hit rock bottom? It's not fair.. I really messed up but I would do anything for another chance.. unfortunately she seems happy where she is right now.

 

I hate this

 

Johnny,

 

You are being given a second chance, a second chance to learn of your mistakes, make better of yourself, and then share the new you and all the love you have to give with the next woman you will find. Don't miss your second chance by staying too long in self pitty and regret. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST no matter how much you influence the future. Live every day like it could be your last...think about what I just wrote...are you living to your potential now that you are beginning to know and understand what you are capable of.

 

Chin up Johnny, be who you can be, the girl waiting to see the best of what you are is the by product of your SECOND CHANCE!! Don't let it pass you by...

 

Am4Real

[HGP]

Doesn't the world always right itself? Don't people get a second chance when they've realized the mistakes they've made and they hit rock bottom? It's not fair.. I really messed up but I would do anything for another chance.. unfortunately she seems happy where she is right now.

Unfortunately those fairy tale romantic comedy endings just don't happen. I'm going through the same thing - all you can do is learn from it and move on, as hard as it is.

[Johnny B]

To everyone:

 

I think we all know that our ex's love to send us short emails and notes from time to time just to, 'check in' and see how we're doing. We all know this is just an attempt for them to keep us close just in case things in their new relationship go south or any number of other reasons...

 

But how do you separate that from when they actually want to 'talk' assuming it's been some time after the split or last contact... say 2 or 3 months.

 

Is there any way to distinguish the difference between a 'let's catch up' talk and 'I made a big mistake and want you back' talk??

 

J

[Am4Real]

Is there any way to distinguish the difference between a 'let's catch up' talk and 'I made a big mistake and want you back' talk??

 

J

 

 

I don’t think there is anyway to know for sure.

 

However in thinking about the situation I’m not sure it would be a good idea to eagerly answer your EX’s short communications while you are healing and recovering from the breakup; I think it might lead you to “expect” something of it which if it does not go the way you envision may bring you totally back to square one in the healing process.

 

However, if your EX communicated in a way that was direct and forthcoming about the subject matter and was one you wanted to participate in, then by all means the “expectations” are similar.

 

There have been a couple of posts on this subject which you may be able to find. One thing I recall that seemed to make sense is many dumpees are contacted by the dumpers and in these cases there was a “feeling out by the dumpers” on reconciliation. The dumpees who had long anticipated such a possibility made sure they were slow to respond to those communications, sometimes letting a week go by or more. You can always begin that reply communication with “Sorry for the delay, I was out of town on vacation with a friend”…

 

Best of luck!

[thecount]

Johnny, There isn't really any solid concrete way of knowing if the "let's talk" thing is just catching up, or lets get back together.

 

I can tell you this from experience. When my ex g/f and her ex b/f started talking again it was just lets talk and catch up. It got carried away. It went from calling ones a month to calling each other multiple times a day, to actually going to parties together. Then, she started to notice the pattern of his ways again, and she wanted nothing to do with him again, but by that time, I was too hurt, and I can't forgive her. She did all this while we were still together.

 

When I agreed to see her again, it was ok. We even had Valentines dinner together. I cooked. The evening was nice, but all I could think of in the end of the night is all the pain she's caused, and the Love I have for her has dimished.

 

In my situation I looked at it like I was sencond choice. I refuse to be someones back up. Be true to yourself, never be someones backup, respect yourself, and other will respect you. It's all up to you,

 

Just go by the old saying. If you love someone, set them free. If they don't return they were never yours, If they do return and you don't want them back, you were never theirs. Just be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.

[suchislife]

Anything can happen. But, you can take this time to think about what you WANT to happen.

 

I dont' know, I think you just need to think about yourself and understand that even if you get little emails, etc., it has been my experience that it doesn't mean anywhere near what you think it means. Sometimes it's just a weak moment, sometimes it's just to see if there is someone out there who will pay attention.

 

Answer if you must but then forget about it. Make sure you have plans. I'm in NC, and it hurts very much, but I do not want to go back to the way things were and I doubt if he cares.

 

There is someone out there who will be for you. Be patient and live a fun life in the meantime.

 

Good luck.

[Am4Real]

Just go by the old saying. If you love someone, set them free. If they don't return they were never yours, If they do return and you don't want them back, you were never theirs. Just be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.

 

Hey Count,

 

I've heard the expression many times however your version added the second part which I was not aware of before "If they do return and you don't want them back, you were never theirs". That was good!!!

 

 

 

.

 

 

There is someone out there who will be for you. Be patient and live a fun life in the meantime

 

Hi Suchislife, This is very good advice!!

[Johnny B]

The things that are making it so hard for me to move on is that I was the one who pushed her away.

 

I was scared of a serious relationship.. I was insecure about myself... I was unsure about a lot of things.

 

I was quite confused. That's why I gave up someone so special.

 

I've done so much introspective analysis.. talked to a lot ppl.. went to a psychic.. may go to a therapist..... but the regret and blame I'm putting on myself just won't go away.

 

Is it bad I'm having trouble sleeping.. and when I do all of my dreams are filled with thoughts of her.. Sometimes her with her new b/f.

 

Don't worry anyone.. not suicidal here.. just the first time I've felt heartbreak like this, and I've realized that when you're the one regretting a breakup, it is a million times worse than someone leaving you.

[underpants]

You know what, I am glad this happened to you.

 

Not that I wish pain on anyone, but this experience has hopfully really opened your eyes as to the consequences of actions. That is a lesson we all learn at some point.

 

Now for the tricky part, how to process this lesson into your psyche.

 

You could keep that hole for your ex open, not ever allowing anyone else to fill it.

 

You could date, subconsciously unsuitable people who will eventually hurt you again....validating that you are to be forever alone. A sort of self hate cycle.

 

Or, you could use it as a self guide. Once finding someone who you click with in a healthy way, a reminder, to hold on, work on and be there fully. Now if you choose this option, of course Murphy's Law may reintroduce said painful ex into the picture wanting you back. Then you will be faced with a possibly painful choice. Hopefully, by then you can always look at this ex as a learning experience to be applied to the person you decide to commit to. Thank her for the interest/closure whatever, and move on with the best intentions and follow thru to the new girl. Hopfully by then you can make the most productive choice for your future, even if a little painful.

 

The best to you.

[Am4Real]

I've realized that when you're the one regretting a breakup, it is a million times worse than someone leaving you.

 

You've got that one right!!!

 

Valuing a relationship and what you have is something men tend to overlook way too easily. I would surmise that is one of the reasons a majority of the posters in Coping, Second Chances and Breaking Up seem to be us guys. Sometimes this is one of life's hard knock lessons. Let's learn by it!

 

[littlebopeep]

Thet always say "you never know what you had until its gone"and unfortunately you have learned the hard way.The thing is if you hadnt ended things with her when you did it would have only happened at another time.

 

The grass isnt always greener and if only you could have realised that before she started seeing some1 else you may have stood a chance of getting back together.

 

My ex who i was with for 4.5 years ended our relationship because he had to go away for a year on placement.Hes among lots of students so i imagine he wanted the single life but obviously never gave a thought to how i felt although he said he did.

 

We have been apart for over 5 months and he still says what an awesome g/friend i was and that if he wanted a r/ship it would be me.He hurt me so much and if he had told me within a couple of months he had made a mistake i would have taken him back gladly.

 

The fact is,we dont have much contact and i believe what comes around goes around.If he dumped me just to mess around while he is away then so be it,i dont need a man like that in my life.

 

The only advice i can give to you if you are serious about wanting your ex back is to stay single for a while and let her know that you are willing to do anything it takes to get her back.My ex would have to get on his hands and knees to win me back but even then i could never be sure he wouldnt do it again so i dont really know what to do.

 

In the meantime ive come to terms with the breakup and enjoying being single/going on dates etc while getting over him.In 1 way i hope he doesnt contact me while im going through the healing process because it will give me time to get over him completely.

 

Good luck.hope things work out for you whatever happens.

[Trialbyfire]

You know what, I am glad this happened to you.

 

Not that I wish pain on anyone, but this experience has hopfully really opened your eyes as to the consequences of actions. That is a lesson we all learn at some point.

 

Now for the tricky part, how to process this lesson into your psyche.

 

You could keep that hole for your ex open, not ever allowing anyone else to fill it.

 

You could date, subconsciously unsuitable people who will eventually hurt you again....validating that you are to be forever alone. A sort of self hate cycle.

 

Or, you could use it as a self guide. Once finding someone who you click with in a healthy way, a reminder, to hold on, work on and be there fully. Now if you choose this option, of course Murphy's Law may reintroduce said painful ex into the picture wanting you back. Then you will be faced with a possibly painful choice. Hopefully, by then you can always look at this ex as a learning experience to be applied to the person you decide to commit to. Thank her for the interest/closure whatever, and move on with the best intentions and follow thru to the new girl. Hopfully by then you can make the most productive choice for your future, even if a little painful.

 

The best to you.

Awesome post. You can either rev in one spot or drive on. Whether good or bad each one of our experiences is worth something. This experience taught you what the cost of non-commitment was and the difference between putting your all into something versus enjoying the short-term gains of proverbial cake eating.

[Johnny B]

Am4real / count - Thanks for the great advice. I'm trying to take all that you guys say to heart.

 

Littlebopeep - I don't think the taking time and be single has worked very well so far. She's been with her new b/f now for nearly 3 months. Initially I tried to get her back but that was futile... then I waited and kept limited contact and built all these expectations that there was a chance, but if you re-read the first post on this thread... I poured my heart out and told her that the finality of losing her had really set in and I had fundamentally changed and have taken lots of steps to better myself as a person.

Alas, it was no use.

 

Underpants - That hurts. Not like I'm going through enough right now. I am taking what I learned to heart and will never again take someone for granted as I did with her. Although its a bit silly I fear that, I will not want someone like I want her.

 

I am fully in NC now... She completely knows how I feel and that I am/was willing to completely change to have her again. It's her choice now to continue her current relationship. However I cannot be friends with someone I care this much for. I wish I could have realized it sooner.

 

PEOPLE CAN CHANGE. I'M THE LIVING PROOF OF IT. BUT ONLY IF THEY WANT TO!

However I know that if I would have taken her back in the months following me breaking up with her, nothing would have been different. I look back and think that i was so stupid b/c she tried and tried to get me back, but I felt like it was right and that I'd moved on. I think part of it had to do with her ALWAYS being there for me.. I took that for granted. I thought she'd would continue to always be there.. I was too stupid to realize that she too would move on.

I needed things to happen EXACTLY LIKE THIS for me to fundamentally change as a human being. I know this now. It could not have happend any other way. Otherwise, us getting back together would have been full of the same issues.

 

If i never get her back AT LEAST I feel like I'm a better person now. There were so many things that I should have done/acted/said differently to lots and lots of people..

 

I still hope I can show her how I've changed. I fully vow that if i get that chance i will take it up to it's highest potential.

Until then, I just have to keep breathing because tomorrow, the sun will rise.

 

Thanks to everyone for providing me with great advice

-J

[littlebopeep]

Whatever happens i wish you the best.As you said it was something you needed to do because if it hadnt happened then it would have happened sooner or later.It also restores my faith a little that people can and do make mistakes that they really regret.

 

Its funny because although me and my ex thought our r/ship was strong enough to get through the year apart i also understood that his life would change so much which unsettled me a little.Turns out i was right because within 5 weeks of being away he ended things with me.

When he took me to the airport he hugged me so tight crying and telling me he still loved me but it was something he had to do.I honestly thought we would get back together but in all honesty we havent had much contact at all.I think hes avoiding me lol.

The odd time we have spoken on msn he still insists i was an awesome g/friend but obviously not awesome enough lol.I think im glad my ex hasnt botherd so much getting in touch because its made me move on so much quicker and the longer he leaves it the better i feel.

Maybe 1 day your ex might see that you have changed and give you another chance but regaining her trust will be really hard.For me i would always think he will do it again so i think im better off without him now.I still love my ex to bits but it will never work out for us.

I hope you meet some1 else who will benefit from the change in you.At least next time you will work at it rather than think the grass is greener.Take care and good luck.

[underpants]

Johnny, I apolgize if my words hurt you.

 

I was just trying to get you to see that this can be a good experience for you. You said yourself that you have learned and changed through this. I think/hope one day you can be thankful that this experience with another person taught you a lesson that has ultimately made you a better person ...eventually. Heck yea, she sounds awesome. You are lucky if you can wrap your head around this a different way.

 

I speak from experience. I once had an ex that I strung along and took for granted...for years...eyes down. We both had entire relationships and would get back together for a little while here and there. Ultimately he found a wonderful girl, but I always knew he loved me. Well, he married that other girl and told me to exit his life. I respected his choice, and quite frankly I don't blame him, how could he trust me, when I couldn't even be sure myself, over and over again. The experience was so heartbreaking for me and I did things I could have never imagined I would do to get him back. I lost him in the end but I gained so much wisdom. I really and truely wish him the greatest happiness and am thankful to him, both for caring for me and for cutting me out of his life, so I could finally grow up.

 

True to my lesson, I have never taken a relationship for granted since. That said, I have been dumped in the 3 or so I have had, but it's okay, I had an open and fully commited heart with each one and there is no shame in that.

 

Now, I find myself on that third option I mentioned where I hope to find a healthy connection with a great partner and we can both realize what we have while we have it and we both work on keeping it. That would be nice.

 

Your pain is fresh, and I am sorry if I disrespected that. It will get better and eventually I hope you see that sometimes life's hardest lessons come with bit of pain. When it is all said and done, perhaps the only way to honor your relationship with her is to honor the lesson for which it bestowed onto you.

[Johnny B]

Similar to Cherbear's post...

 

So after my full out release of what I needed to say on Thursday and to finally begin my NC, she initiates contact again.

 

She comes over to my desk to ask a completely random question about work and makes small talk about my new coat.

 

I only pulled one earbud out (i was listening to my ipod) and responed to the work question without turning away from my computer.

She seemed to have gotten the message b/c she then quickly said 'ok thanks' and abruptly turned and walked away. I simply said your welcome.

 

Was that handling the situation properly? Why did she come over to start it up again... Was it to see if I was serious about the talk I had with her on Thursday, i.e. the first post in this thread.

 

man i hate this.

[garnet]

JB,

 

this girl clearly does not want to let go of you. But you have made yourself very clear and she says she doesn't want to break up with her boyfriend. So, as long as that's her decision, it doesn't matter why she does things like this. It's selfish. Just keep doing what you're doing.

[Guest]

i think this thread proves that once the dumpee gets 'them' back and/or moves on in one way or another the dumper realizes. hmm

[Johnny B]

So, this was a breakdown on my part, a moment of weakness yes, but on Tuesday night I wrote her an email.. albeit the last one, I promised myself because it says everything that I needed to say. EVERYTHING.

 

My only justification for it was that the first post on this thread referred to the phone conversation we had from the prior Thursday when I tried to fillibuster everything I needed to say within a 20minute timeframe.

 

My email summarized the following:

-I needed to explain who I was today and the lessons I had learned from all this and that I would not have been able to improve myself unless things happend exactly this way. Now, today, I've made myself a better human being.

-I needed to say that the reason for the phone call was to see if there was anything left from her b/c I had began dating someone new (which is true) albeit just for 2 weeks. I told her that my heart needed to know if there is nothing left from her, if not, it was closure so that I can move on to someone new.

-I needed her to know that I truely cared when we dated for her but was too scared to open up and let my defenses down in fear of being hurt. Therefore I truely realize what I lost from that mistake.

-I told her that I realize how special she was but that it was too late b/c I knew she had moved on to someone new and that not everyone does get a second chance.

-Finally I said that as I write this, I want to say this for the last time and then let it go forever:

"I want you back in my life. If you cherished any of what we had, or had hopes of what we could be or hoped that we could be, then let us try."

 

It was my last stand and I know I should not have done it, but I needed it. I feel that if you don't say every last word, speak every last breath and open your heart, then you will always have doubt. I will always regret the bad, horrible, selffish things I did when we dated, but there is no more doubt to the extent to which I've tried for her back.

 

There will be no other letters, no emails, no notes. She knows EVERYTHING. If she hadn't already.

 

She knows that today I am a person who has learned from what he did and made changes, improvements, healing, all to become better and have a second chance with her. Otherwise, I need her to know that it is time for me to move on.

 

I gave her my final shot, I was sincere and honest and completely truthful... The ball is in her court now... She can choose to play it as she sees fit.

 

I finally, finally feel that I have done everything. It's just been so hard, I'm just trying to find my way. I can say that only now, after this experience, do I know what true heartbreak is. And I feel that I've matured and finally become a man.

 

Will I ever find another that was like her???

 

J