Are there any marriages that actually work out?

[Kathleen2260]

I'm engaged and just having doubts lately. I look at everyone around me and it depresses me. I just don't see many marriages working out. My parents are still married after 34 years and my grandparents (both sets) were married almost 60 years! So that should give me some hope but it doesn't. My parents aren't happily married more like they are "stuck" with each other. My mom says if my dad cheated on her (and I think he may be) that the OW could have him. My best friend has been married 5 years and has a 2 year old son. Her husband was the love of her life when they started dating. He was there for her for everything. He was a strong emotional support when she needed it most. Now he is a lump that sits in his parents basement and plays World of Warcraft or whatever that online game is called. They no longer live on their own because they can't afford it so they are stuck living with her in laws and my friend has to take care of her son without her husband's help. They dont' even sleep in the same bed anymore- he is up all hours of the night playing his game. He goes to work comes home, kisses his son and then goes to play his game for hours. They went out for their 5th wedding anniversary to dinner and a hotel (to get away from his parents and the baby) and her husband told her he was miserable and it was the worst day of his life because he was there with her (his extremely hot wife who wanted to have sex with him and spend time with him) He was upset because he was missing his computer game. She is very religious and I don't think she would cheat but there was a guy she worked with who had a crush on her (they became good friends) and this guy called her at home and her husband flipped out. The guy also wrote her a letter about how wonderful he thinks she is and how her husband should really appreciate her more. She left that job but I see her having an affair in a few years.

 

My cousin was married for 3 years, has two young sons. Her husband left her for a 19 year old girl. Kicked her out of THEIR house, and moved the 19 year old in. Quit his job so he doens't have to pay child support and now my cousin is trying to support both kids on her job. She is also living with her mother.

 

My other cousin got married to this guy she'd known for a year. She was 18 when they got married. She moved to another state to live with his family. 3 months into their marriage she had an affair with his 40 year old uncle. Her husband left her, devastated. they are now back together living with HER parents and she is now pregnant. She is very happy right now and he's forgiven her for the affair. I don't see them lasting very long.

 

A co worker and her husband were married 24 years. Have two grown children. Her husband was laid off from his high paying job when the company he worked for moved their operations to China. She had to pay all their bills and paid for him to go back to college to get a higher degree. She supported him for 3 years while he got his degree. He found a great job with his new education and they ended up moving for this job. HE was making more money than ever before and she had to find a new job (where I work). She left her friends, family everything to make this move with him. A year after they moved she found out he was having an affair with a young co-worker. Her husband is in his late 40's and this "girl" was 20 years old. Younger than their own children!! He left his wife and now she is struggling to make it on her own. 24 years and he flushes all that down the toilet for someone younger than his own kids. And after all she did for him.

 

It just seems like today marriages aren't for better or worse but for five years or until I get bored which ever comes first. People seem to have no problem committing infidelity and I guess the internet makes it much easier. You dont' even have to leave the house to find someone to cheat with!

 

So I guess what I am looking for are people with stories of good marriages. Marriages that last more than a few years and don't involve infidelity.

[elijahBailey]

The minority of marriages make it. But hey, it's just in this country though. To improve your chances, seriously consider moving out of the country. If you can't, consider cohabitation. The difference is only in semantics.

[JackJack]

My parents aren't happily married more like they are "stuck" with each other.

 

This might be a good example of how some people who stayed married, when they know its not for the best, is why it can give off a bad vibe or leave a bad taste in their kids mouths, when it comes to them getting married themselves. Can leave doubt and wonder. To me, and I know people stay married for different reasons, but sometimes, depending on what those reasons might be,it can give off a negative feeling of how a relationship is preceived or should be.

[MJTig]

I see marriages around me all working out, my hubby and I are products of parents who are married 25 years and 40 years respectively (his parents are 10 years younger than mine), my sister and brother are happily married and I have some happily married friends and relatives.

 

They do work out. Sometimes people just don't put enough effort in or think it's sunshine and roses all over (it seems to be more prevalent nowadays like you said) instead of work that sucks sometimes.

 

A big part of it is making sure the one you are marrying is the one for you, and by "the one" I don't mean they are a perfect specimen of the human race, but someone with faults and habits that annoy you but you love them for it. Things that are huge and non-negotiable or serious (bad spending habits, distrust, constant fighting, etc) need to be addressed before marriage, if marriage even happens. You will not change someone magically by marrying them and I think a lot of people think they will.

 

I went through a cold feet period when engaged not because I didn't want to marry my husband but because of the sad state of marriage in this society. How did I get through it? Knowing that Bart and I talk through problems and listening to/remembering my parents advice over the years.

 

Sit down and talk to your fiance about your fears, talk about "what if"s and ground rules/values in your upcoming marriage. It will hopefully make you feel better but could be a strong stone in your foundation.

 

ETA: let me add addictive gaming to the list of serious problems, as I have heard a lot of women facing this problem.

[blind_otter]

My parents were married over 30 years. My Dad passed away last year. My mother and father fought occassionally but overall they loved each other very deeply, in a way that no one else really understood because their connection was so deep. They came from two different cultures and were a generation apart in age, but they still loved each other passionately and deeply.

 

The most touching time, for me, was when my Dad was dying of lung cancer. My mother took a leave of absence from her job and devoted her life to caring for my father until the very end. There were times when I would see them together, him very weak and struggling to survive, her trying to be strong for him -- those times touched me the most. The way she would sit at his feet and draw his legs into her lap, looking up at him with such an adoring expression on her face that she suddenly seemed so young and vulnerable. Once, she did this gesture and patted his legs. They exchanged words about how deeply they loved each other, how after all these years it was the life that they had built together that would sustain her after he was gone.

 

Now that he is gone, she seems like half a person. It is examples like this that make me still believe that people can, with hard work, achieve that deep, enduring love that we all dream of achieving.

[saintfrancis]

Don't have much time to give you a detailed account, but my parents are an example of a successful marriage. They have been together almost 50 years, and yes they fight like everyone does. They also still are playful and affectionate with each other. They rely upon each other, and love each other.

 

Some DO work out, but the individuals involved have to have a pretty strong moral compass (I'm not talking religious views necessarily, just a sense of honor).

[quankanne]

every time I hear you share your parents' story, otter, I want to cry because THAT is what marriage is about: pushing past the differences and the rough patches and totally giving in to the love you feel for the other, even when you know it makes you vulnerable. They trusted in that amazing gift they had.

 

I think there's an art to marriage that was lost with our parents' generation, the idea of perservering through the bad times, the crappy times, etc. Our generation (baby booomers and younger) have a McMarriage mentality, that relationships (especially marriages) are easily disposable and replaceable ... throw in a good dash of personal immaturity and the result is the high divorce rate we're seeing.

 

My folks were married 50 years when my mom died, and while their relationship could be described as co-dependent at best because of my dad's insecurity, it had its moments of grace, in watching how my dad made sure she didn't lack for anything, and in how she chose to love him even when he was being pretty much a brat. Maybe they stuck together because it was all they knew … maybe it was because they realized that as long as they had that underlying foundation of love in their relationship, they could weather anything, including the death of a child and the upheaval of moving their family around the country courtesy of the air force.

 

I try to remember those kinds of things when DH and I go through our occasional hissing and clawing stages, that those bad spots are temporary compared to the love I share with him. I imagine that there'll be some serious trials that we haven't faced yet, but after 15 years of marriage, I can honestly and happily say that he is where my heart is, and I will never regret that.

 

there is a movie about CS Lewis and how he met his wife. Toward the end of the movie, she learns she has cancer and he's having problems coming to grips with that knowledge. And she tells him, 'the sadness now is part of the happiness we've had.' Meaning, you've got to accept the painful along with the joyful of a relationship to experience the fullness of it.

[Guest]

My parents were also married happily until my father died from lung cancer when I was 11. My mom still hasn't been seriously involved with someone for the 9 years since he passed away...I truly believe that they would be together forever if he was still alive. My bf's parents are also happily married, for the past 25 years. They still talk about the times they had in high school together...it's cute. (They married when they were 20)

[BeenAround_N_Back]

I believe Marriages work out, otherwise, why do people get married?? But it takes work from both partners. The friend you mentioned earlier clearly have an addiction problem with gaming... Get to know your partner. I believe there are clear indications before you marry someone. For me, I waited 4 yrs to know my H before we got married. Have faith. Yes marriages fail but many survive. Everything takes work!

[Kathleen2260]

I know that not ALL marriages fail. Just feeling down about the state of marriage in general and how most people view it these days (as another poster said as disposable). Like I said before my grandparents were each married at least 50 years (both sets). My one set of grandparents was married for 53 years and it was my grandma's 2nd marriage (scandolous in those days!) She was married to the first man I've never even heard of for only a year. Then she and my grandfather had five children. My grandma died of bone cancer, a horrible suffering death. She died when she was in her 70's. My grandfather went to the nursing home EVERY SINGLE DAY to see her. He would spend hours talking to.

 

After she died he still got around (could drive) and would visit friends regularly and wanted to get back into traveling. He was very active and had a wide social circle. Seven years after my grandma died, on Christmas my aunt went to his house and he was sitting on the floor with a picture of my grandma, he was crying and told my aunt he missed my grandma so much. That he wanted to see her again. After seven years he still longed to see my grandma. he died later that year of something unrelated.

 

my other grandparents were married 62 years. they fought like crazy. My grandpa was always yeling at my grandma. The only thing he seemed to appreciate was her cooking. Everything about my grandpa seemed to irritate my grandma. He would watch Faith Hill music videos and talk about how hot she was. My grandma would be furious. They argued over everything. My grandma would tell us all never to get married that it wasn't worth it. To just be single and independent. I think somewhere over the marriage my grandpa had been unfaithful because my grandma always got upset when he would "joke" about other women. about six years before she died my grandma developed Alzheimers. She wasnt' able to cook anymore, soon she couldn't take care of herself.

 

My grandpa developed all kinds of health problems as well. My grandma had her good days and bad days. My grandfather didn't take care of her. He yelled at her because he didn't understand her behaviors and it made him mad. He thought she was acting. He didnt' understand Alzheimers. He was so cruel to her sometimes. My grandma was getting worse and worse. She didn't recognize people, didnt' know who my grandpa was. She always told us to "get that strange old man out of my house". She would talk about how she wanted to see her parents (who died years adn years ago) and didn't understand where she was most of the time. The two things that I saw that made me want to get married someday happened two years before my grandma died.

 

My grandma had fallen and broken her hip and was in the hospital over christmas. Because of failing health my grandpa couldnt' get to the hospital to visit her. She was in the hospital for three weeks. ON christmas day my grandpa just sat in his chair and said nothing. He didnt want to eat, he didn't want to talk. he didn't want to open presents. We tried talking to him and he broke down sobbing and said "I miss Mom (what he called his wife) I can't spend another day without her. I want you to bring her home or I'm going to check myself into that hospital so I can be in the same room as her. So this man who i thought literally hated his wife, just couldn't stand to be without her. It touched me. The 2nd thing was the very next year. My grandpa was hospitalized with congestive heart failure.

 

It was eight months before he died. We took my grandma to see him at the hospital. By this time her mind was very far gone. she didn't know her own family, she hadn't known that my grandpa was her husband for several years now. We walked into that hospital room adn my grandpa was laying there in his hospital gown and my grandma was led in by us (she had a hard time walking) and my grandpa smiled when he saw her and the most amazing thing happened. My grandma (who didn't recognize anyone anymore) literaly ran to that bed and threw her arms around my grandpa, kissed him on the lips and started crying and said "Bill, I miss you so much hurry up and get better so you can come home with me! I love you!" She knew EXACTLY who he was and told him how much she missed him. My grandpa said I love you too and you could see tears sliding down his cheeks. Everyone in that room started crying.

 

It was just absolutely amazing to see a bond that strong that couldn't even be erased by time or illness.

[laRubiaBonita]

i just read this article, from the 2-08-07 Times, about marriages. I thought it was quite good:

 

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1587273-1,00.html

[quankanne]

It was just absolutely amazing to see a bond that strong that couldn't even be erased by time or illness.

 

it exists, you just need to keep your sights set on it. You need to not sell yourself short by jumping into a relationship because you don't like the idea of being alone (prolly the one thing in the Time article that makes sense, that you don't need a partner to be happy), and then you've got to be willing to make that leap of faith when you find someone like-minded in his feelings about his relationship with you ...

[AgentD]

And don't post such huge paragraphs. Break them up to where they're easier to read.

 

Thanks!

[loggrad98]

Marriages can and do succeed, but they require something that is in short supply in our societ today...hard work and selflessness. My parents have been married 41 years, I have been married 15 years, my sisters have all been married over 14 years (one for 14 and the other for 25).

 

The key ingredient in them all is sacrifice of self for another person. Wow, that sounds hard and lots of people will write "That is stupid, giving up yourself for another person....I am my own person!" and that is fine, but it does not usually result in a good marriage. My wife and I believe that we are part of something bigger than either of us alone. It is NOT a matter of semantics...cohabitation implies you can bail out whenever you feel like it...if things are not going your way, just leave, after all you are not married...if you have to confront your faults and work to become a better person and have to give some things up in order to make a life with the other person, well just leave, it does not matter anyway.

 

Marriage is totally different. In a marriage you are actually COMMITTED to another person and to a relationship (at least typically in the marriages that work). You have to actually say things like "No, I won't go out and get drunk tonight, guys, I would rather spend time with my wife (or kids or family)". That is way too hard for some people to do in our "me-first" society, but it is required to some degree to make a marriage work.

 

My wife and I have each given things up for each other, and happily I might add, although not easily. One example is this (and I stress, ONE example...I could give quite a few):

 

She loved to dance, and, as a stereotypical man, I did not. I do take her dancing occasionally, but she has largely given it up for me. I asked her once if she felt cheated that we do not go dancing more and her response was "Of course not...yes I would love to go dancing more often, but I would rather spend time with you doing things we both enjoy." My part is I put on a happy face and go dancing and cover my feelings of discomfort, because I love to see her happy.

 

Conversely, I LOVE basketball. I used to play 2-3 times per week, had season passes to the local teams, and had my place decorated with basketball stuff. She tried it out at first (as I did dancing) and found out she could not stand it. She thinks most sports are silly and pointless, other than to get exercise. It drives her nuts that basketball players get paid millions to behave like asses (stereotypes I know, but they are the ones who get the press). But she does not stop me or make me feel guilty when I watch games or buy tickets. She goes with me now and then and cheers as loudly as I do, and she celebrates with me when my team wins. She even encourages our kids to play, and I encourage them to go dancing.

 

That is what it takes, deny it as much as you want, but to make that kind of relationship work, you have to actually put someone elses happiness ahead of your own, just like parenting.

 

(disclaimer: I am not at all saying that all people who cohabitate are frivolous and not committed, but the majority of people I know who do are that way...personal experience speaks volumes...and I know quite a few who do, so it is not based in one or 2 people, but more than a dozen...2 couples I know are committed, the other 10 or so bounce around, running from the commitment.)

[quankanne]

some interesting comments by an author about her book, "Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both" http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/metro/stories/MYSA021607.laurasessions.e-n.7921520.html :

 

"Hooking up lacks passion and any sense of commitment. Hooking up is purposefully uncaring. In a committed relationship, you are motivated to communicate and work through problems, and these young women don't get a chance to practice those skills.

 

… We feminists haven't given girls a complete message. We want them to achieve in the classroom and the boardroom and be good wives and mothers but the piece missing is how you get to be a good wife and good mother. If you haven't practiced those relationship skills in a dating structure or something that looks like that, you've downplayed the role of love.

 

… Hooking up is a great deal for young men. They can have sex, are not expected to commit, can walk at any time, and their partners are supposed to be fine with that. If one young woman isn't interested, the next one will be."

 

this might be indirectly tied into the dearth of committed relationships with young adults – there are no real relationship skills to help them build something lasting because before, it was about creating a sense of distance between partners to allow for casual, guilt-free relationships ... how can marriage be something that works when this is the only mentality you're subjected to?

[Rooster_DAR]

Most marriages fail I believe, and it will continue that way until mothers stop giving their daughters unrealistic expectations. And it certainly is not about your night in shining armor coming to sweep you off into a fantasy quasi-perfect life together. There is no such thing a perfect husband or wife, and if you live your life believing this you are in for a surprise.

 

I think the few people who do survive marriage contain a rare (shared) ingredient of emotional well being, maturity, communication, and understanding that commitment takes work, along with some really good boundaries.

 

If we start teaching our children the reality of life and stop creating a false sense of being, then the future may sustain longer lasting marriages and relationships.

 

Cheers!

[Curmudgeon]

So I guess what I am looking for are people with stories of good marriages. Marriages that last more than a few years and don't involve infidelity.

 

Ten years ago I married my best friend whom I'd known for five years and with whom I worked directly for the first four of them. I asked her out two years after divorcing the ex (her infidelity was a big part of why) to whom I was married for 25 years.

 

My wife and I married two months after that first date and we're still going strong a decade later. This marriage is the best thing that ever happened to either of us and neither of us has ever been so happy and content. This doesn't mean there haven't been issues to deal with. She and I were 48 and 50, respectively, when we married, I had five children and an ex. She had two children and an ex and with all those years, children (and now seven grandchildren between us) there's bound to be baggage.

 

Nothing and no one has ever been allowed to come between us (some have tried) and while we may not always agree, we talk things out and lay them to rest. We have conversations, not confrontations!

 

I think ours would qualify as a good and happy marriage and we are both totally dedicated to one another.

[Rooster_DAR]

Ten years ago I married my best friend whom I'd known for five years and with whom I worked directly for the first four of them. I asked her out two years after divorcing the ex (her infidelity was a big part of why) to whom I was married for 25 years.

 

My wife and I married two months after that first date and we're still going strong a decade later. This marriage is the best thing that ever happened to either of us and neither of us has ever been so happy and content. This doesn't mean there haven't been issues to deal with. She and I were 48 and 50, respectively, when we married, I had five children and an ex. She had two children and an ex and with all those years, children (and now seven grandchildren between us) there's bound to be baggage.

 

Nothing and no one has ever been allowed to come between us (some have tried) and while we may not always agree, we talk things out and lay them to rest. We have conversations, not confrontations!

 

I think ours would qualify as a good and happy marriage and we are both totally dedicated to one another.

 

I envy you, you are the few couples that have what it takes.

 

Good luck!

[elijahBailey]

Curmudgeon, don't take it the wrong way ok, but IMHO, when a person has been divorced once, he or she would put in extra effort to make sure it works the 2nd time around. But I sure am glad to hear that your marriage is working out the way it should be.

 

But I'm thinking if what the OP was asking is about 1st marriages that withstand the test of time. Even if 100% of 2nd marriages were to succeed in the country, it would beg the question as to why so many 1st marriages fail.

[Curmudgeon]

Interestingly enough, the rate of failure for second marriages is, I believe, somewhat higher than for first marriages although that number decreases for old farts like me.

 

I could offer a lot of conjecture as to why so many first marriages end in divorce but it would be a mix of experience, observation and statistical data which is subjective because it depends upon who collected it and for what reason.

[whichwayisup]

It really is a choice for both people married to eachother. As long as it's something each person wants to work on, the marriage can and will work. When one partner stops communicating, or isn't happy - Then chooses to withdrawal emotionally (which leads to other problems, in and out of the bedroom), it's very easy to grow apart...

 

It's maturity, understanding and compromising, understanding eachother and most of all, not overreacting when the bumps hit.

 

I KNOW my husband loves me, bottomline...Just at times we hit our rough patches and sometimes it feels like we're roommates. Eventually it passes and things get real good again.

 

Anyway, every marriage is different, so one thing that is very important is, don't compare what you have to anybody else's marriage.

[Mz. Pixie]

My ex inlaws got married at 17 and 18 and they've been married 38 years.

 

My inlaws now have been married almost 41 years.

 

It does happen. In both cases I believe that they are both happy and have been happy a majority of the marriage. I'm sure both marriages have had their struggles but in the end they've managed to stay together.

[a4a]

Most marriages fail I believe, and it will continue that way until mothers stop giving their daughters unrealistic expectations. And it certainly is not about your night in shining armor coming to sweep you off into a fantasy quasi-perfect life together. There is no such thing a perfect husband or wife, and if you live your life believing this you are in for a surprise.

 

I think the few people who do survive marriage contain a rare (shared) ingredient of emotional well being, maturity, communication, and understanding that commitment takes work, along with some really good boundaries.

 

If we start teaching our children the reality of life and stop creating a false sense of being, then the future may sustain longer lasting marriages and relationships.

 

Cheers!

 

True along with Fathers teaching sons that just bringing home a paycheck and not screwing prostitutes makes them a knight in shining armor......

 

I actually think most mothers teach their daughters that men are pigs. Really.

 

IMHO marriages fail because people "settle" then wake up down the road to find that they made an error by settling for their partner.

 

If what you want is a rich guy then don't settle for the corner store clerk.

Potential does not always become a reality.