Question about time

[Kathleen2260]

I'm engaged and my fiance and i have put a lot of effort into maintaining our relationship. We've been to counseling, we try to keep communication open. We've been together almost five years I think, I"ve lost count. We've known eachother for over ten years though. We've had our problems and worked through each of them or so I thought. He proposed to me a few months ago and he is now saying he wants to get married right away. As in by this summer. Which suprised me because he was one of those guys who always said he wanted to get engaged but had one excuse after another. Now that he's proposed it seems he wants to hurry up and get married. He says he's finally ready. I thought I was ready and this is what i wanted but now am having doubts. My fiance has always been a hard worker. He works two jobs 5 days a week and on saturdays he works 8 or 9 hours at one job. He works the 2nd job because he loves it- it doesn't pay much but does give him extra money. We split all our bills so if we got married technically he wouldnt' HAVE to work the 2nd job but he loves it so I know he'd never give it up. He also has a very demanding family. His mother it seems forgets that her son isnt' her husband and literally has him doing all the chores at her own house. Whenever something breaks she calls him, whenever something's wrong with a car she calls him. Also he has two sisters who always seem to have one crisis or another and he has to help them out a lot too. He has cut back on that for me but still spends some of his time helping them.

 

This was always a sore spot (the time thing) but I used to hang out with my friends a lot and so when my boyfriend wasnt' around I'd go do things with friends or family. Well my grandparents both died last year so they were the only family I have left in the area (everyone else lives 2 or more hours away). over the last two years every one of my female friends has either gotten married or is getting married THIS year and is planning her wedding. So no more girls nights or shopping trips with them. My two close guy friends are both dating someone so I can't go biking or hiking or to the movies with them anymore. I'm not close to my fiance's family (I like them and some of them like me and we are civil to eachother but no friendships there) I kind of miss that because my ex's mom and I were great friends and would hang out even when my ex wasn't around. SHe was like a 2nd mom to me. But thats getting off topic.

 

My problem is that my fiance doesn't have much time for me and its really starting to bother me. For example this week I haven't been able to go anywhere except work because we've had really bad snow storms. So I've been stuck at home all week when I come home from work. On monday I saw my fiance for a half hour the entire day. Tuesday maybe 40 minutes. Wednsday (valentines day) I literally saw him for five minutes when he gave me roses and candy and a card.) By the time he got home at night (I'd cooked him dinner) I was asleep on the couch. We live together and yet we only see eachother maybe an hour a day at the most during the week. He gets up and goes to work at 7am and then goes to his 2nd job and gets home around 10pm. On saturdays I will see him for about 4 hours in the morning before he goes to work and from 10pm (last saturday he didnt get home till 11pm) to 1am or whenever I go to bed. Sunday is his day off and we try to spend the whole day together but its his only day to do anything to help other people too so sometimes we only see eachother a few hours on sundays. This week has me especially irritated because we only saw eachotehr for five minutes on wed. Then last night he went to his Motorcycle club meeting. He had told me he was going to skip it to shovel snow out of our driveway but he hired someone to do that so he could go. I wanted him to stay home with me and he got mad. He offered to take a Saturday off soon to spend the day with me. But I had just found out my sister tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized and was so shaken up by that. I wanted to spend time with him and not sit at home by myself. Well after an argument he went to his meeting anyway. He got upset because he was like I got you all this nice stuff for valentine's day and its not good enough. Well flowers and candy don't make up for spending time with someone. I don't think I expect a lot. I just can't survive on a few minutes a day or a few hours a week. He does try to spend all day on sundays with me and we are supposed to go out this sunday. But I don't think I'm asking too much. Its not like I want him to be there 24/7. I just need to feel like he's not a stranger. Am I asking too much?

[bab]

Well, I can understand you wanting to see him more. The Sunday thing is solvable. Go with him when he helps out his mom and sisters. If the two of you are going to get married, you will be a team, so start presenting yourselves as a team to his family. Who knows, you may start to like them even more.

 

The other aspect is that you can't blame your fiance for the fact that you don't have as many friends as you used to. Is there a hobby that you enjoy that you could get more involved with?

 

For the rest of the time, you've really got to just talk to him. Tell him your concerns and compromise. Maybe he could cut back his hours at his second job. You aren't being unreasonable, just try and work out a solution instead of calling if all off.

[norajane]

Lots of people have problems with time in relationships, and it often seems insurmountable, but it's not.

 

First, it's not necessarily always going to be this way. His sisters will eventually find boyfriends/husbands of their own and won't need to call on him for help so much. I assume his mother doesn't have a husband and is on her own? She can be introduced to a good handyman and auto mechanic, and won't need to call on him so much. With a combined income, you and he can also hire people to do things - like shoveling the snow - and can have a bit more time together. He can eventually get worn out with his schedule, and can maybe cut back on the hours of his second job. You can widen your interests and circle of friends, so you won't be alone so much.

 

Communication is important, so make sure you are talking to him about this in a way that isn't blaming him. Tell him you miss him, be understanding of his responsibililties, and ask if there are ways the two of you can schedule more time to be together. I've been insanely busy when I've had jobs that required me to travel for business, and found the only way to make sure I spend time with friends, family and bf is to schedule it on the calendar and then plan other things around it. Ask him if you can try to do that for a while and see if it works out for both of you.

 

Bab gave good advice about the teamwork - go with him when he helps his family. I think that might help them to see you aren't trying to separate him from them, and being there with him will give you more time together. Who knows? Maybe it will also help you get closer to his family.

 

I think this is all solvable, but your bf is just trying to do too much at once. Approach it as a team project - which is what marriage is all about.

[Kathleen2260]

Actually both of his sisters ARE married. Its just that their husbands aren't mechanically enclined and one of them is just downright lazy. Plus why do anything if you know your brother in law will do it for you? His mom is married to his dad but his dad works 12 hours a day and doesn't do anything but sleep when he gets home. His mom does do a lot of stuff but has to watch her daughters kids -six of them plus two step kids) ALL The time. Even on weekends she has some of her grandkids. So she doesn't have time to do things around the house. Even my fiance's mom's neighbor (he was close to their youngest son until he died in a car accident 10 years ago) calls him whenever they need something fixed. Hell they've called him and asked him to take out their garbage before!! They have an older son who lives with them but he is worthless and does nothing. And why make your own son do something when you can call the neighbor's son and he will come running over to do whatever you need.

 

He has cut back A LOT. I mean I would say he's stopped helping people at least half of the time. But when I only get one whole day with him it irritates me when someone cuts into that time. I DO go with him when he goes to help his sisters or his mom. and its nice to get to spend time with him doing anything, but I don't want the whole day to be about doing something for someone else. His family tolerates me and his mom is always nice to me but his sisters are so-so. They don't like me because he won't come running to them when they ask anymore because he has his own place now and a life with me. So he doesnt' do everything for them anymore. His younger sister wanted him to co-sign a car loan for him. Well she has bad credit and had filed bankruptcy a few years ago and on top of that she owes him $5000 that he lent her about eight years ago. So I talked to him about it and he felt he should help his sister even though he knew it would be a bad risk. He has perfect credit and a home and car of his own and he knew that if she defaulted on the loan it would jeapordize his credit. I put my foot down and told him no, you're not going to do that. His sister didn't NEED another vehicle, she just wanted a new one. I told him go ahead and tell his sister that I won't "allow" him to do it. Blame it on me, I don't care because I knew he didnt' want to say no and dissapoint his sister. So he did and now she doesnt' like me. She thinks I control him and I don't at all- I just give him a reason to say no- a backbone.

-

 

I don't blame my fiance at all that I don't get to spend much time with my friends. I just brought that up because I think that i was getting my social needs and needs for intimacy and need for fun met by my friends. And now that they aren't around as much I"m lacking in all these areas. I'm even missing someone to talk to. So maybe my fiance doensn't meet ANY of my needs except for security and sex. I'm severely lacking in the intimacy department (such as emotional needs) because we aren't even around each other enough to have any kind of a connection. I think that I want to have sex with him so often because its the only time I have his full attention and I miss his attention.

 

I try to talk without blaming him but its difficult. He just doesn't seem to have the same needs as me. I never realized it till I stopped seeing my friends and family. But its like there is this big hole there where they used to exist and he can't seem to fill that space. I try to be understanding of his responsibilities but it just seems like even when he does have free time (like yesterday when he went to his motorcycle club instead of hanging out with me.) that there is always something more important to do.

 

I'm just thinking about the future and if we have kids. I mean our kids would barely know their dad because he'd always be working. I do give him credit, he's cut back a lot but I guess I am just thinking about how when we first started dating he MADE time to be with me. He worked less hours, he spent most of his free time with me. I know he's making an effort. But in all the time he DOESN"T spend with me that I'm not working (and i work 40 hours a week) I could have another full time relationship. I would actually see the other guy MORE than I see my fiance. I could spend time with the other guy every day except sundays. I'm just using that as an example to prove how much time we are apart. I would never actually have an affair! But I'm just trying to show how much free time i have. He just doesn't consider time important to a relationship and I do. If I'd never say anything about lack of time he would just be perfectly happy with the way things are.

[Walk]

I don't think I could continue the relationship if I were in your shoes. I need a minimum level of attention while in a relationship. Otherwise, I don't see the point of being in one. If he's just some guy I see once a week, have barely any interaction with the remainder of the week... well, I can pick up any jo schmoe off the street to fill that ticket. What I want is a partner in my life. Not some guy that shows up on a sunday looking for nookie and for me to act like a gf. I need someone who's interested in my life and wants to share it with me.

 

Some men don't empathize well when they aren't currently wearing the shoes you're walking in. You're available when he has time. He doesn't worry that you won't be around, or that he might need help and you won't be there. He doens't have to worry about going all day without you there because you always are. And I don't think he understands because he doesn't face the same situation. So maybe showing him how it feels might wake him up some to how his actions affect others.

 

Personally, I'd have a talk with him again, and this time explain that marriage/relationship might not be an option if your concerns are not (at the very least) handled as if they are important. See if there's any comprimise areas that would fulfill that connection aspect you need while still allowing for his other interests. Maybe more phone calls, or him coming home a little earlier to have dinner with you.. or taking an hour or two off couple times a week to specificially have a meal with you. If there's no budge from him... I'm not sure what you should do..

 

I know I would make it a point to NOT make time for him either. And I'd wait til he mentioned it. (which he will) Then I'd talk to him again and reiterate that I had asked him for something I needed, and that I don't ask for much, but when I do it's because it's incredibly important to me. And if he can't try to help find a comprimise with me, then I didn't have a partner, and he could find someone else to marry. But that's just me.. not sure if it would work for you.

 

p.s. also keep in the back of your head that he might feel obligated to help family/friends and that he can't say no. Don't force him to choose. But do stand your ground on working as a team on this.

[Kathleen2260]

Last night I had a talk with him. probably went about it wrong- but i told him I'm not sure about getting married. Because we don't see each other enough anymore and I don't feel close to him. I explained that I love him but I need more time with him. I can't keep going on just a few hours a week. He really hurt my feelings because he said "I've been too lazy on sundays lately, I need to start getting some stuff done" Sundays are OUR day, the only day I actually see him for more than 3 hours!! Sundays are also his ONLY day off. The last 2 weeks we had been spending all day sunday together just doing nothing. We were supposed to go out last sunday but the weather was bad so we stayed home. But we spent the whole day watching movies and just being together. So the fact that he wants to spend LESS time with me on those days and more time working on things around the house or doing things for other people really upset me. Because he seems content with what we have.

 

 

I honestly think that if I made myself unavailable to him when he is off work (which would be hard since we live together and I genuinly do want to spend time with him) then he would have plenty to keep him busy and wouldn't miss me unless I avoided him for two whole months or something. He was very upset by our talk last night because he now thinks I don't want to be with him. I DO i'm just not sure about marriage unless something changes. I mean I would be happy if he gave up his motorcycle club one day a month (they meet once a week) or if he cut back at his hours at his 2nd job (which he will never do). I just don't know how to make him understand how important this is to me. He thinks that him being so hardworking should be enough for me. That he's not out goofing off or something he's working. And that his hobby is important too and I shouldn't take that away and make him resent me. But I just feel neglected and need more time from him.

[Walk]

I just don't know how to make him understand how important this is to me. He thinks that him being so hardworking should be enough for me. That he's not out goofing off or something he's working. And that his hobby is important too and I shouldn't take that away and make him resent me. But I just feel neglected and need more time from him.

 

I was wondering how things were going for you? Hoping maybe your guy fianlly saw the light and things were getting better??

 

I have to say this.. You're bf is an ass. He has a billion things he's doing, and he's going to resent you for asking him for a little time? hmphf!

 

Seriously.. my bf pulled the same thing on me before. I wasn't upset that he had a ton of things on his plate. I was pissed as hell that he brushed aside my problem and then attempted to make me feel guilty for having a need.

 

I blew up... told him what MY idea of a partnership was, what I needed and wanted from a partner, and that he was completely free to do whatever the hell he wished, but if he didn't attempt to comprimise then I was outta there. To me, nothing is worse then having my partner tell me he won't even TRY to help find a solution when I have a problem. It tells me I'm not important enough to spend 1 minute of his time to help. At that point, he's just using me. When I'm bending over backwards to help him, and I can't get even a moment of his time??

 

Anyway.. I'm hoping things didn't/don't come to the point for you. And that you're guy wized up quick and re-arranged his priorities. Post an update if you get some time...

[Kathleen2260]

Well he's been trying to make more time. We went out on an actual date this past sunday which was nice. Last week, my sister was visiting so I barely saw him (not that he was home anyway) and I didnt complain about not spending time with him because I was having fun with my sister. But now its back to the same argument. his motorcycle club meeting is tomorrow and I asked if he was going (if he stays home we can spend some quality time together).

 

A few weeks ago he told me he was only going to go once or twice a month instead of all five times that they meet. So I was fine with that because he'd be spending some extra time with me. His other solution was to try to get home from his 2nd job maybe an hour early once a week (he hasnt' done that) and to take a day off from his 2nd job maybe once a month or every two weeks and spend that time with me.

 

 

However I dont' think he is going to follow thru on his suggested compromises. He blew up at me when I asked if he was going to the motorcyle club meeting. He said he was and did I just want him to quit. No, we'd talked about it before, he was going to cut back and spend that time with me. I mean we live together and I would see someone in a long distance relationship more often than I see him!! I actually "see" him every day but as far as quality time or even time in the same room we spend maybe 20 minutes at most!! By the time he gets home I'm ready for bed. I'm just too exhausted to stay up. I'll talk with him for awhile while he eats the dinner I made him.

 

Even on sunday which was our date- we went to a movie and dinner and shopping. It was great. But when we got home I just wanted to cuddle up on the couch with him or drag him into the bedroom for awhile, his mom called and needed him to come over because her washer was leaking and her sink was clogged. Then his mom's neighbor called and wanted him to fix her well pump. So he ran over there for awhile to do that. When he came back he worked outside for awhile and I offered to help him but he didn't want any help and didnt' want to talk. So i went back inside and called one of my friends. I don't think I'm a needy person. I don't need people around me 24/7. I actually enjoy being by myself at times. It relaxes me. But I'm just worried about being in a relationship where I seem to be secondary to my partners other responsibilities. A relationship is a responsibility and he should work just as hard at this as he does at his job. So at this point I'm just frustrated. Seems we're at a standstill- he thinks I'm trying to empty his life of everything but me. He thinks I'm forcing him to quit what he enjoys-a job, his motorcycle club etc. But I'm not wanting to take away everything, I just want him to make time for "us". For the first year we were dating he worked both jobs, helped his family, hung out with his motorcyle club buddies about three times a week and STILL spent about 3 days during the week with me- he'd drive a half hour to see me and spend about 3 hours with me. and he'd spend the whole weekend with me. So it IS possible. So it just seems I'm not important to him anymore. or that he wants to do the bare minimum to get by.

[bab]

Hi Kathleen,

I know that you originally said that the second job doesn't pay that much money, but money isn't everything. Maybe the quality of life that the two of you would have if he quit his 1st job and went full time at the 2nd job would make up the difference in lost wages. If he was working at it full time during the week he'd be able to spend the evenings with you, and he wouldn't have to work Saturdays. Maybe this is an option the two of you could explore together?

Good luck.

--Bab

[Kathleen2260]

Hi Kathleen,

I know that you originally said that the second job doesn't pay that much money, but money isn't everything. Maybe the quality of life that the two of you would have if he quit his 1st job and went full time at the 2nd job would make up the difference in lost wages. If he was working at it full time during the week he'd be able to spend the evenings with you, and he wouldn't have to work Saturdays. Maybe this is an option the two of you could explore together?

Good luck.

--Bab

 

 

No, his first job is his "real" job. It is the one that pays a lot. His 2nd job he's been working since he was 12 (he is in his early 30's now). The 2nd job only pays $7 hr which is minimum wage around here. He works on a farm that his dad also works on. He worked summers there when he was young. He loves the work so that is why he stays. He only works about 5 hours a night there and all day on saturdays. In order for him to make the same amount of money at the 2nd job that he does at the first he'd have to work about 80 + hours a week there!!

 

He also (before he met me) left his first job and went to work on this farm full time for a year (he still lived at home so he didn't have many bills to pay) and he just didnt' enjoy it. When it became the job to support himself and he had to work 50 hours a week there he just didnt' like it as much. So basically its a part time hobby where he gets paid a little bit. If he quit this job our quality of life wouldnt' change. I work 40 hours a week and make decent money so that extra $500 or so he makes every month isnt' going to hurt us. But it is something that he loves so I can't ask him to give it up.

 

What he doesn't understand is that our relationship is suffering due to the lack of time he spends with me. When he wants to have sex, most of the time I push him away and am not interested. It feels like if he's not willing to pay attention to me with my clothes on (spending time with me) then he's sure as hell not going to enjoy my company in the bedroom. Now he feels rejected. I've told him if I wanted to have sex with someone who barely talked to me, and didn't see me more than 20 minutes a day I'd go have a one night stand. I expect more in a relationship. We still had these problems before but they were covered up or concealed by the fact that I had other things/people to occupy my time. but now that most of my friends are getting married/have kids which equals less time that I get to see them (which I understand) then I am turning to my partner to fill some of that void. I don't see anything wrong with that. I dont' expect him to by with me 24/7 but a few extra hours a week isnt' too much to ask.

 

Its a sore spot because if you read any of my earlier posts- my partner had a sort of emotional affair with a married ex of his. I say sort of because she didnt' return his feelings. But he put all this TIME and effort into trying to make time (behind my back) to see her, to "accidently" bump into her and he took the time out of his busy schedule to call her several times a week and to write her a letter telling her he couldnt' stop thinking about her. We've been going to counseling to work through this issue and while it happened quite a while ago and I am healing because he's taken all the right steps (no contact with her) the fact that he took some of his precious time and spent it on another woman hurts. Because I know if something is important to HIM he will make time for it. So I'm feeling that I"m not important any more.

[a4a]

Because I know if something is important to HIM he will make time for it. So I'm feeling that I"m not important any more.

 

I think you nailed it.

 

And indeed if he can go out of his way to feed an EA with an X but refuses to fulfill a promise to you to spend more time....... seems to be able to find the time to help everyone else but not spend time with you ..........

 

I would certainly postpone this M.

I would consider moving on as well.

 

Job, sisters, clubs, farm job, ........ all come before you.

 

Only you can decide if this is what you want and you will have to live with it.