Has anyone's relationship started out rocky and turned out good?

[kittensmittens]

I'm new here...and you'll probably be seeing me around in the (near) future on here. Sorry...this one's probably gonna be a little long. I would like to know if anyone here has started out in an very rocky, explosive kind of relationship that, at times seemed doomed to impossibility, only to have it calm down and work out in the end. Does anyone have a relationship like this....where you had a lot of problems that sometimes seemed hopeless....and now you are together, happy and content?

 

I'm having some big time doubts about me and my bf. We have been dating for almost 4 years. I love him very much. I know that he loves me. But we fight a LOT. We fight about something at least once a day. And now, things are very bad. He is obsessed with video games (he even wants to go into video game design--only when the ambition strikes him to do more with his life-- and currently works at a video game store). This is certainly not our ONLY problem, but I try to spend time with him and start feeling a little neglected when he comes home, eats dinner with me while watching about an hour of tv, and then gets online to play with his friends for hours and hours. So I react emotionally, of course (we're both overly-emotional, I think) and I start to get a bit demanding about it. So this pisses him off and he's on there even MORE. And now things are really bad. We haven't slept in the same room in 5 weeks. He says the best times recently have been when he's online with his friends and I'm not at the apartment at all. He said right now he likes playing video games more than the idea of spending time with me. I feel like the only times he's nice to me and talks to me even remotely like I'm still his gf are when he needs rides to work. He has hardly touched me in the past 5 weeks and we don't do a lot of talking. And this is because I wanted to spend more time with him? I know I shouldn't have come at him as demanding as I did, but come on! This just seems ridiculous. I feel like if he's not going to appreciate what he has, why should he have it at all?? I've pretty much left him alone for the most part right now, but the few times I have torn him away from his precious games (once for my grandparents' 60th...60th , for God's sake, aniversary and valentines day) he acted like the biggest a-hole about it, although he did make an attempt to make valentines day special...but didn't kiss me on the lips once. He is being self-admitedly selfish right now.

 

The problem is...this has happened TOO many times. It has happened so many times I've lost count. Not this specefic scenario....but him becoming very selfish, feeling completely justified in it, and then treating me like sh*t, saying very mean and cold things to me just to get me to leave him alone entirely....but then wanting me around still...on his terms only, and I'm supposed to leap for joy or something when he feels like aknowledging my presence again. I'm certainly not a perfect angel, but I also don't deserve that. I never treat him in those ways. There have been times where he was not there for me when I needed him most, emotionally. Which is a slap in the face from him, because he is much more sensitive than most males...it's one of the big things about him I fell in love with. I have so much anger and resentment because he pursued and pursued and pursued before we started dating. I resisted and then finally caved, only to have him dump me, and visciously so, 3 times since then. Then he calls back crying a few weeks later and drags me back into his life.

 

I know I'm painting a horrible picture...but I'm just really pissed off and really fed up. In a lot of ways he's an amazing bf and a really amazing person. It's just....I think I'm hot, and funny, and smart, and fun to be around....but apparently some dumb video game is more enticing than I am. I feel like I'm just boring to him. I'm tired of always doing things alone. Why even have a relationship if you're always having to find ways to keep yourself entertained? I can do that w/out all this misery, thank you. I'm starting to lose hope that things will ever be different. We always fight about spending time together. The ironic part is I DO like SOME video games. But this isn't even enough for him. I feel the only way we'll ever truly be content together is if I get into all of his games so I can play them with him. But then what about my interests? He has no desire to even attempt to enjoy anything else with me that I enjoy. Video games are fine, but I want someone to experience life with.....from the mundane to the silly. Someone who will go to random places we've never been for the hell of it, or go for walks in the park, or ride bikes together, or just curl up and watch tv and not argue about how stupid each other's shows are until we can't even find anything to watch, someone who will one day take as much pride in our home and family as I would (you should see our apartment...he NEVER cleans anymore, I don't have time to, and I'm just not motivated to care about fixing it up at all anymore.....and I'm an interior design major!)....or even go to the effing grocery store with me once in a while, just to make a boring task (that I'm the one who always has to do) more enjoyable. Someone who enjoys doing things with me, not because the activity itself is entertaining but because he's doing something with someone he loves. I know that no relationship is roses and rainbows all the time, but it shouldn't feel like a rock in your shoe either.

 

He can be such a good bf at times though. He always calls me smoochie-mcboodly-kins or something just as silly (in front of all his guy friends, no less), or when things aren't drastically bad, he always comes back and apologizes for things he's said or done that hurt me. He always opens the car door for me. He always thanks me for a meal I've made or bought for him. He always remembers my birthday and gets more excited about what he's giving me than I do. He tells me everyday that he thinks I'm the most beautiful thing in the world and tells me he loves me constantly. Every phone converstation ends with "I love you". He always asks me if there's anything I want to do when he gets off work (except then it always goes the way I told you and if i say "I don't know let me think about it" he gets impatient and goes right into the VG's), and always let's me know if he's going somewhere after work before he comes home. I know 110% that he would never cheat on me, and I realize that is a VERY strong statement to make. He loves animals as much as I do. There are probably more things that I just can't think about right now, because I'm too pissed off, but these are just some of the things that give me hope when things get bad. Only lately, they haven't been giving me enough hope. I can't take him going into selfish mode anymore. I can't take the constant fighting. I can't take the constant struggle to spend time together. Can it ever get better?? Has it gotten better for anyone else...?

 

PS--We've done the couples counseling and it was like pulling teeth to get him to go. Let's just say, it won't ever happen again.

[RecordProducer]

We have been dating for almost 4 years. I love him very much. I know that he loves me. But we fight a LOT. We fight about something at least once a day.

When we believe that we love someone even though we don't get along, it's ignorance. After 4 years it's ignorance, because if you knew better, you would know that you will NEVER get along, that he is not the right guy for you, and that you don't fight for nothing - you fight because you're incompatible, because in the core of your hearts you can't stand each other. I've had these experiences with men and they never end up well. I guarantee you that if you marry him, you won't fight once a day - you'll fight 3 times a day. The only couples who have stopped fighting eventually are the ones who stopped caring about each other.

[kittensmittens]

"When we believe that we love someone even though we don't get along, it's ignorance. After 4 years it's ignorance, because if you knew better, you would know that you will NEVER get along, that he is not the right guy for you, and that you don't fight for nothing - you fight because you're incompatible, because in the core of your hearts you can't stand each other."

 

Well, that's pretty much how I've been feeling lately. I've been feeling like it may just not be worth the fight anymore. But I do love him, very much. I only can't stand being around him when he starts treating me badly and/or neglecting me. He can't stand being around me when I get demanding and/or jealous (which are my two big problems that I struggle with, and affect him). There are things about him I love so much and I feel that I'll never find in another person again. So this is a very difficult struggle for me.

 

I have always felt that compatibility is something that is cultivated. That interests come and go and people change and grow. Those things are superficial. And that love is the foundation that allows for growth and change. Values, long term goals, and emotional connectivity are more important than hobbies, and conflict can be resolved. But I just don't know anymore. I don't know if I'm just in a funk, or if it really isn't worth the fight anymore.

[loggrad98]

I have written about what I believe what makes a successful marriage in another post here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t112625/

 

The key is it takes 2 to tango. It sounds to me like he is very immature and not at all ready to make any commitments. It also sounds like he is manipulative - he comes back and apologizes when he thinks he may be on his way out, and you stay, then he goes right back to his normal behavior. I believe a true apology is coupled with an attempt to not do the thing again which you have apologized for. I think you sound like you are ready to commit yourself to someone and you deserve someone who is just as willing to commit to you. You should talk to him up front, tell him you what you want in a relationship and if he is not willing to work to that you need to move on. To be hopelessly cliche-ridden, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

You are right that interests come and go and people grow and change. But I think you are placing not nearly enough importance on values, specifically values regarding relationships. Remember also that true love (there go the cliches again =) prompts us to do things for the OTHER PERSON. Jack Nicholson said it best in "As Good As It Gets" when he said to Helen Hunt "You make me want to be a better man." I think that is the measure of love...does that person make you want to be a better person for yourself and for them? It sounds like he does not feel that way and you deserve and will find someone who does, and that makes you feel that way about him.

 

A successful marriage invariably takes sacrifice, not selfishness. Selfishness - just another form or outlet of arrogance, or believing that you are truly more important and deserving than everyone else - leads to resentment and is the root of most fights in marriage (and in life for that matter).

 

To answer your posting question, my marriage started off very rocky. We started dating after we felt like we were best friends and we fell in love and got married 5 months after we started dating. After the marriage, for about a month, all seemed storybook wonderful. Then her past caught up with us. One night she was in the kitchen and I was in the bedroom. I heard a crash and went in there to find her flinging dishes around the kitchen and sobbing. She grew up in a very broken home (about 8 step-mothers her dad would bring home from bars...including my wife's aunt who got together with her dad after he cheated on his brother with her). Her dad was not abusive physically, but some of the women were and the emotional situation was terrible for her. So here she was, feeling safe for the first time in her life (she dated a LOT but never felt safe with them because she picked men like her father) and she finally let go. I will never forget that night or the next year and a half when we fought through counseling and with lots of prayer to stay together.

 

Stay together we did, and we are stronger for it. Our relationship is unshakeable, largely because during that time and the intervening 13 years, we learned that the greatest happiness for us, and the greatest peace inside us, came when we were doing for each other.

 

I know you can find something like that in your life, but I doubt very much you will find it with him.

[Mr. Lucky]

You don't give ages for the two of you, but your boyfriend sounds simply too young to offer you the emotional support that you're looking for. And before it sounds like I'm painting him as a bad guy, he's probably in the period of life where he's trying to find out some things about himself - career, lifestyle, interests, etc. Since this is by definition a selfish stage in everyone's life, it's easy to see why most people don't recommend settling down until your late 20's or early 30's. You're asking him to figure out what you want at a time when he's still figuring out what he wants - tough to do. Hope it turns out well for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kittensmittens]

Thank you for your incredibly thoughtful and insightful posts. I really appreciate them.

 

Mr. Lucky, I am 24 and he is 23 (7 months younger than I am). I am in school, he is not. He has lived paycheck to paycheck since he got out of highschool because he hasn't really been sure/hasn't had a lot of immediate ambition to do anything about his life, taking the "there's plenty of time" approach. We started dating right before I moved off to school and then a couple of years after I had been living there, he came to live w/ me. Then he started feeling more motivated to go off to a school in another state for game design. But I wanted him to stay there w/ me and wait for me to finish first....something I regret terribly and have since apologized profusely for. So he stayed and even offered to assist me financially through school to take off some of the pressures, but I began developing depression and started sliding in school and work. He became more and more resentful (understandably) that he waited for what seemed at the time, nothing, and has recently declared adamantly that he is going to school as soon as our lease is up. I support his decision and certainly want him to do what's best for HIM now, but knowing that I'll miss him a lot, I've told him so.....which he can't handle. Now he's saying he doesn't even know what he wants with his life. So I think you're right. He just doesn't know what he wants out of life and doesn't want any pressure on him whatsoever. I don't think he wants to think about what needs to be done for anyone but himself right now. However, as I have posted in the general discussion section I now believe he has a serious game addiction and I believe this is affecting his ambitions, desires and responsibilities outside of his "perfect", pressure-free, demand-free, fantasy world.

 

Log, thank you for your post and I am so happy things have turned out well for you and your wife. I think that is incredibly sweet and so commendable that you were there for her during her darkest hour. I agree with you that he is immature and manipulative, which I refused to see for a very long time. I don't think he is manipulative intentionally, but I think he has a lot of trouble in balancing intimacy and autonomy and suffers from the "grass is *often* greener on the other side" syndrome, and the manipulation prevents him from losing either one entirely. I feel that, until he does something for himself (like get his butt into school), he is unable to do anything for anyone else without resentment rearing its ugly head.

 

What you described with your wife is very similar actually to what has happened in our relationship. I had a lot of unresolved issues from my childhood (that I thought were resolved) that could only arise in an intimate relationship and could only be expressed in the safety of being loved. However, they were expressed in some very destructive ways (for instance, I spent much of my childhood panicked about where my mom was, certain she had died--she was an alcoholic, which I have mentioned in another post. While the source of my fear left years ago, the fear itself stuck with me and I would panic all the time when I didn't know where he was, go into fits of rage when I finally found him, and just worry and cling to him all the time. Control "kept him alive and safe", though I wasn't aware of this for a long time...nor was he.) I have given him a fair amount to deal with. I've seen a lot of guys dump girls for much less than what I've put my bf through. Nonetheless, he has dumped me several times because of depression and all that comes with it....neediness, clingyness, moodiness, laziness, irritability, warped thought processes that can start a lot of fights, etc. And he's always very hurtful about it. Things improve once we get back together, but then once I feel completely safe again, I become so resentful over him bailing on me and the whole thing starts again. We still, as you said, learn more about ourselves and each other each time we get back together. However, how much of it is applied is really hard to say...