Help! She is distracted and distant, and I don't know what she wants...

[YoungWerther]

I could really use some advice on the girl I've been dating for almost 6 months now. I can't 'read' her, and I can't figure out how she feels about me even though I've shared my feelings with her.

 

We met via an online service, and soon thereafter went on a few dates and showed mutual interest. Soon I was with her each weekend, at least a few times a week, and we were physically intimate. We were very physically affectionate. But after a while I started sensing she was miles away when I was around, and she started calling me 'bad boy' when I tried to touch her and would shy away.

 

I have tried to be empathetic and understanding that she is busy, and has had some bad experiences in the past. But we no longer do the types of things we did when we first started seeing one another: taking baths together, kissing for long periods of time, flirting. We haven't had sex in months, and I feel like a pervert whenever I bring up the subject. She acts like it's nothing unusual to not be intimate for that long.

 

I've tried asking her how she feels, but I always feel like I'm being pushy and aggressive. When we're together I just try to be normal and fun and enjoy her company... but it's hard to ignore that she won't hold my hand, or kiss me. It's like she's in another place.

 

Most of her responses only come to yes/no questions, and she responds with a quick non-commital "uhm-hm."

 

She also told me that she had finally deleted her personals ad, but she hadn't. I was feeling confused and rejected and out of curiosity checked for her ad... and it was there, worded the same way (hadn't been deleted, just hidden).

 

I know she's had trouble trusting men in the past, for good reason, but things were so close and intimate at first. I'm losing sleep over this, and physically nauseous trying to 'guess' where she is coming from, whether she is attracted to me still, whether she cares about me as much as I do her. I have made very articulate attempts to bring it up, but she's always 'too tired' and says 'we'll talk about this later' but it never happens.

 

She said she wrote me a 'novel' at one point via email, but then claimed it got lost on her computer. When I asked her if she could paraphrase, she said maybe later, but nothing ever came up. I feel like she's uncomfortable discussing our relationship, that she doesn't have enough time to discuss it, and has too many problems to focus on me right now.

 

I feel like I am not a priority... what should i do? Please help.

 

Thank you

[Tony T]

Your initial relationship ran on chemistry. Chemicals diminish in strength over time and that's what has happened. She is no longer excited about the newness of being around you and the timing is not right for her to feel comfortable enough to enter into a stable relationship long term.

 

There is nothing to be gained by you remaining around a lady who no longer helps you feel good or special. That time has passed. She may not fully understand why she feels the way she does and she doesn't seem to want to discuss it in detail with you.

 

The more you talk to her about getting the relationship back to where it used to be, the more she will be annoyed. There is no purpose in that. She's probably got absolutely no respect for you at this point because she knows a real man wouldn't put up with the kind of treatment she's dishing out on you...but it's very convenient for her just this minute because she's working on other plans.

 

Don't subject yourself to trying to figure out what all this is about. The bottom line is that you are not feeling good about being around her any more. She knows it and is doing nothing to change it. You know it and you BETTER do something to change it because if you don't I absolutely guarantee she will break up with you soon.

 

No lady is going to stay around a guy she's not excited to be with and she is certainly not acting like a happy camper. The minute she feels good about another guy she may be seeing or sleeping with, you'll be history.

 

Beat her to the punch and make her history first!!!

[YoungWerther]

Thank you so much for the perspective.

 

One important thing I forgot to mention, though!

 

Twice in the past already, I have gotten frustrated and 'fed up' with her emotional unavailability. A couple times, she abandoned plans with me because she was 'too tired' (and ending up going out w/friends), and other times she just stopped communicating. We had two 'blow ups' (where we didn't talk for days) and in both cases I was committed not to calling her again.

 

On both ocassions she contacted me days later, upset that there was conflict... and made the effort to 'make things right' again.. telling me what a considerate, sweet, handsome guy I am. She joked after the second 'reunion' that 'I'm not going to clean up our messes again. I was ballsy to call you back."

 

So she's made the effort to patch things up when I was willing to call it quits, pulling me back in. But once back there, she closes up again. Is she doing this out of guilt? Why would someone make the effort to bring me back into her life twice, and then close up again?

 

Am I being played? (I suspect that i am.)

Thanks again, you've been really helpful

[midori]

... but you don't seem self-destructively angst-ridden and self-centered enough to really bear the title. Do you have a blue & yellow waistcoat?

 

I don't have much time to reply to your problem, but I will say that her expressions of remorse are meaningless if they don't prevent repetition of the same insult. Which they haven't. She is being very selfish, disrespectful and cowardly in her interactions with you. It is very clear to me that she couldn't care less if she spends an evening with you or not when there's the possibility of something else to do. Her apologies are manipulative, not heart-felt. If she were at all kind or brave, she would admit to herself and to you that she's no longer interested (for whatever reasons, perhaps all internal and/or connected to her past, but it doesn't matter). Since she doesn't have the wherewithal to admit this, you'll have to do it for her. Admit to yourself that you're very low on her list of priorities, and the only reason you're on it at all is because she is apparently too much of a chicken to be alone with no one to call when she feels the need. And then see if you feel like answering her calls and emails, or bothering to see her anymore. I wouldn't!

 

 

 

Good luck

-midori

[YoungWerther]

... but you don't seem self-destructively angst-ridden and self-centered enough to really bear the title. Do you have a blue & yellow waistcoat?

 

Cool you got the reference. And no, I would hope not, at least.

 

Thanks for the response. I've been really confused over this and need to just 'write it out' so to speak. I agree with what you're saying, it's just that if I express confusion or doubt, then I am automatically the 'bad guy' or the one who is rejecting her.

 

If she were at all kind or brave, she would admit to herself and to you that she's no longer interested (for whatever reasons, perhaps all internal and/or connected to her past, but it doesn't matter).

 

Absolutely. And I have no feelings of animosity toward her, just extreme disappointment that the nature of our chemistry changed and that she was unable to bring up the courage to be more direct with me about what she wants. Instead she beckoned me back twice, and I went willingly, right back into a situation where there is no phyical affection and no emotional intimacy. The two things a relationship doesn't last long without.

 

You've been awesome... thank you, sincerely.

[Tony T]

The subject above is the message.

[Ally Boo]

This girl is not ready for a relationship. And she's ditancing herself in every way from you. You are just a "lesson" for her to learn. And after she has a few of these, she'll realize that she needs help.

[YoungWerther]

What hurts most, is how she encouraged me to trust her with my feelings, saying 'you have nothing to worry about' and 'there was a reason I came into your life: so you could trust someone again.' Although I am cautious by nature in relationships, I really opened up to her. And the few times my instincts kicked in and I pulled away, only then would she reach back out to me.

 

Now I realize that she did not make the effort those two times to 'get me back' but rather to alleiviate the guilt over feeling somehow responsible for pushing me away.

 

I have been so articulate and patient in trying to understand her perspective and she has stopped communicating, writing, etc. But I know better not to overstep my bounds, so I am already working on separating myself from the situation. It is agonizingly difficult.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Ally Boo]

You are probably right, I've been in a very similar situation as you. That's why I told you that she isn't ready to be with you...the euphoria of the beginning stages of a relationship, tend to cloud our judgement. Just chalk it up as a mistake, and move on. DO NOT WASTE ANY ENERGY ON THIS WOMAN....Why set yourself up for more pain?

 

It's going to hurt....it's going to hurt a LOT...and its going to MAJORLY suck...but then......it gets better.

 

You know what to do.

[YoungWerther]

I totally agree, despite the way that emotions are clouding my judgement. She finally wrote back today and spoke briefly and vaguely about having to isolate herself from every one for a while and 'spare everyone' from having to deal with it.

 

So ultimately, she was never able to speak directly about she and I, because I thought that maybe that aspect of her life (her relationship with me) deserved a little more articulation, but I think as far as she's concerned, everything in her life is equally bad, friendships, relationships, everything.

 

But I doubt she is going to, as she implies, isolate herself from everyone and everything. I know there will continue to be people in her life, and other men. Just not me. That she couldn't be honest about that, is what hurts the most.

 

Thanks.