unusual dilemma

[nwguy]

I am being faced with a dilemma that I have never seen or heard of before, and unfortunately I need to figure it out soon. Any advice would be much appreciated, because I am at a standstill. Here goes:

 

I grew up shy and insecure, and didn’t date anyone throughout my childhood, even through college. (By the way, I’ve always been attracted to both males and females.) Anyway, at one of my first jobs out of college (an internship actually), I roomed with a guy. Long story made short…we started dating, and have been together for almost 8 years now, and recently bought a house together.

 

He’s my soulmate—sweet, romantic, funny, smart, cute, caring, my best friend. We do everything together, and I am his dream man. So here’s the problem (2 problems, actually): 1.) I am not “out,” and will never be able to be so, will never be quite comfortable with being in a same-sex relationship. 2.) He fulfills just about everything I could possibly hope to find in a partner, except for one key thing: I’m not sexually attracted to him. I enjoy sex with women much, much more.

 

The dilemma? Close to a year ago I started a relationship with a girl. Of course this was kept secret from my current partner. It’s been up and down, and she currently lives a long way away, but she’s moving to my hometown this spring, expecting to start a relationship with me. So I need to pick, soon, who I want to be with.

 

I’m torn. My guy fulfills just about everything to me, except sex and social openness. The girl satisfies me sexually and I do really like her, but I can’t possibly imagine anyone in the world being everything else to me like the guy is. Or, am I just blinded because I’m currently with my first true love, and it’s just hard to let go of that? Am I just afraid of going through that pain, when I might find a girl just as fulfilling? If I’m cheating on him, it must not be completely fulfilling to me, right? Is it worth giving up everything with my “soulmate” for a sexual relationship? Isn’t that selfish?

 

And on and on and on I go. One minute I feel like I want to stay with the guy, and the next I feel I should just get the courage to move on and accept that deep down inside I’d be happier with a girl. But would I really? Would sexual fulfillment be worth losing everything else for?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice from anyone!