sick of playing games!

[taylor]

I think that your boyfriend is under alot of pressure right now with his school work. Pre-med is one tough major. And it's not going to get any easier for a long, long time. And even when he does eventually become a doctor, he still may not have alot of free time to call his own. I think alot of doctors are married to their professions first, their wives second.

 

I say, if you can, look at the big picture here. He has some huge, lofty goals and right now he feels he needs to devote all of his time and concentration to achieving those goals. Having a girlfriend is NOT his top priority.

 

This does not mean he doesn't want some companionship and some intimacy once in a while. He is human. But at this point in his life and with the goals he has set for himself, he cannot give (is not willing to give) 100 percent to a relationship. Selfish. Yes. But if he is going to succeed at his career goals he needs to be a little selfish at this time in his life.

 

When he says he's not good enough for you, what he means is he can't meet your expectations right now and he knows you deserve someone who can.

 

When he says you aren't right for each other, it means what he needs, you can't give him, and what you need, he can't give you.

 

There are only two types of girls that would be "right" for him:

 

1) a girl who is willing to sacrifice all of her needs and desires for the sake of her boyfriend's needs and desires - totally flexible, totally understanding and supportive, always willing to wait for any spare time he may have to offer her, always willing to accept and be satisfied with the "crumbs" of attention he can manage to throw her way. Willing to do these necessary things for the sake of his career. (bad for the girl, good for him - very one-sided relationship)

 

2) a girl who is equally "busy" fulfilling career goals and who also has very limited time to put into a relationship, so therefore, will not be pressuring him for more time and attention. Not interested in a full-time boyfriend because she can't be a full-time girlfriend. (works for both!)

 

If you want a boyfriend who can put 100 percent of his time and attention into a relationship, you need to look elsewhere. This man is not going to compromise or jeopardise his career goals for you - and he shouldn't.

 

If you are willing to settle for less that 100 percent, then hang on to the notion that you will get back together some day. If you think long and hard about it, I think you will realize you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is willing and able to put 100 percent of himself into it. It seems to be what you are asking for from him in your posts. If that' true, I think you will be hanging on for a long, long time.

 

I don't think there really is anyone to blame in this situation. You are just two people with different needs at the moment. It's more of a case of bad timing. You are ready for a serious, committed relationship and he isn't because right now he needs to focus on his career goals.

 

Your boyfriend saying he just wants to be friends is his way of relieving the pressure you have put on him to meet your expectations. It isn't wrong or unreasonable to have the expectations that you do, especially since you love the guy and want a full-blown relationship with him. But there is no way he can meet those expecations now, and to push or pressure him to do so is unfair. He has already told you he can't meet your expecations. You need to respect his wishes.

 

If you truly love him and want to fight for a second chance, I think the only way you might have a glimmer of hope is if you start thinking and behaving like a doctor's wife. Accept that you will always be number 2. Know that his time will always be in short supply - for himself and for you. Expect less. Demand less. Accept that you will be spending alot of time alone or with friends and family. Accept that you will be spending alot of time waiting for him or filling your time with other activities while he is busy being a doctor. Know that you will have to make huge sacrifices and be the most understanding girlfriend/wife in the world because his career as a doctor will be extremely demanding and high-pressured.

 

Is that what you see in your future?

[oppath]

Taylor, you have some very insightful posts.

 

I agree that Eloquent has to make a choice, to accept less than what she wants over quite possibly, the next several months to years, or to move on. This is not an easy choice.

 

Looking back upon my ex, I almost wish I hadn't burned the bridge and been more empathetic to her short term needs. She basically knew that she couldn't give me the relationship I wanted right now, and she needed more time and space to figure some things out in her life; problem was, I didn't smother her and wasn't asking for much, and she still ended it. She had me on a string and I really burnt the bridge because that was not acceptable to me. After some time, I can see her situation more clearly and am second guessing myself, at least for not asking more clear questions.

 

Ultimately, however, no-one can blame themselves for things outside of their control. There is nothing Eloquent can do or say to have her needs met, and her needs must come first. She sounded willing to compromise and accept a little less intensity in the relationship, but needed some validation that he really wanted her. that's all I wanted too, but my ex made the choice not to discuss her thoughts. Everything was out of my control.