sadbuttrue Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 well, i have been with my MM for several months now, and his W recently found out about our R this week. she wanted to talk to me, so he arranged a meeting. yes, i had to sit there with both of them and answer her questions!!!! and of course i lied for him. i wish i could have had the strength to tell her the truth, but i just couldnt hurt him like that. i still love him. he thinks we can see each other when things calm down a bit. right now he is under surveilance i am sure. i know i should use this opportunity to move on with my life, but i just dont want to be without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 It is terrible that you lied for him. Aside from the affair - do you understand that his wife is in a relationship that is all smoke and mirrors? There are obviously problems that she can't properly address because you lied to her? That she is possibly making the choice to stay with him based on your answers which were lies? At the very least don't you think she deserved to be able to make an informed decision? Instead you selfishly took that away too. He made the decision to have an affair with you so he should have had to face the music. He obviously didn't care about you too much because he put you in that situation to begin with and you accepted it. You allowed his life to remain "complicated". You left her life teetering on fantasy stilts so it can come tumbling down later rather than now. And now you want to wait around for this guy who has his time filled by 2 relationships (devoted to neither) so you can take scraps again? Have you ever asked yourself why you are so willing to take crumbs when you are entitled to the whole cake? S Link to post Share on other sites
Jinxx Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 i should use this opportunity to move on with my life, but i just dont want to be without him. That would be the smartest thing you could do for yourself. How awkward this must have been for you. Wow -- I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like if XMM's wife found out about our past R. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 SBT: You're in a hard place...I'm not going to throw stones about how you handled the talk w/the W...I've never been in that situation, and don't know what that would be like...although I would venture a guess that you wouldn't find me meeting with her in the first place... You're dating someone else, is that correct? I think it is best for you to continue dating other people and leave MM to deal with his W...you don't need all that drama...and really their R is between the two of them... Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 well, i have been with my MM for several months now, and his W recently found out about our R this week. she wanted to talk to me, so he arranged a meeting. yes, i had to sit there with both of them and answer her questions!!!! and of course i lied for him. i wish i could have had the strength to tell her the truth, but i just couldnt hurt him like that. i still love him. he thinks we can see each other when things calm down a bit. right now he is under surveilance i am sure. i know i should use this opportunity to move on with my life, but i just dont want to be without him. Why did you 'have to' sit there with them both..? Whose idea and decision was that..? sadbuttrue I really think you need to get away from this man. He's using both of you and it's absolutely sickening to read about it. Even if you love someone, you don't have to agree with what they're doing, or even stay with them if they're damaging you. You have to love yourself MORE. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Sadbuttrue, I agree with Frannie - it was a low move on his part to ask you to sit there in front of his wife and answer questions, and lie for him - in fact it's a bit sick of him. I totally agree that the wife needs to know the truth so she can make an informed decision - both you and the W deserve a LOT better, and I'm an advocate of telling the W the truth in these situations. If you tell her, he might not want to see you again, but come on....that would be a good thing for you. I know it hurts but he is not a nice person whatsoever, and you'd start to see that after some time apart and realise you had a lucky escape. And he said he might still be able to see you when things have calmed down? Sorry, but what is he, a kid who has a curfew to keep and rules about what he can and can't do? He is a grown man and can do what he likes - he just likes messing people around - it's also clear that he has zero intention of leaving her and has no problem in using you to do his dirty work. Horrible guy and you deserve 100% better. Link to post Share on other sites
kymberann Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 SBT, I get where you are coming from. The pain of not wanting to be with out him far more exceeds the desire to move on and and your willingness to heal from the pain of all of this. Letting go hurts! But look at what he did to you! He put you in a spot to cover for him so he did not have to take accountability towards either one of you. Yes I think the W deserves an explanation, so do you, but neither of you got one that was the truth. That is unfair! That shows his cowardly nature. Not a quality that I find enduring even in a single man! Believe you me, this will happen again and again, but only if you let it. Just think when it does, you have the upper hand in this, make him sweat! You deserve more, so does his W. Hang in there. Best Link to post Share on other sites
Seen_It_All Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Yes, i had to sit there with both of them and answer her questions!!!! and of course i lied for him. I think this is what people mean when they say OW are NOT 'innocent' when it comes to affairs. They're helping the MM lie every single day if they DON'T tell the wife they're involved with their husband. OW are just as deceitful as MM. In your case, you took it one step further and lied openly to this woman's face. Jesus, are you both happy that the gaslighting effort is in full swing? Look, I'm not a betrayed spouse but I DO have compassion for my fellow man and woman. This poor woman is now going to put ALL her efforts into a reconciliation, based on BOTH of your lies. And that's not even the WORST of it. You both intend to feed this poor woman a slew of lies, let her start feeling a little more secure, and you're both going to go RIGHT back to what you were doing before she found out. In essence, you're BOTH setting her right back up for another fall. Are you proud of yourselves? How utterly despicable. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 SBT, what I don't understand is if she found out about you and he arranged a meeting why would you need to lie about the relationship between the two of you? Did you just down play it... obviously his presence was to intimidate you so you would not tell the whole truth to her. By the sounds of it you are daiting someone else... does he know about the other relationship with the MM? I do not know your whole story. Wow what a tough situation, Do you feel guilty for not telling her the whole truth? Ask yourself if he was protecting himself more then you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 he thinks we can see each other when things calm down a bit. right now he is under surveilance i am sure. i know i should use this opportunity to move on with my life, but i just dont want to be without him. Hate to tell you this, but your affair is over. Even if he manages to sneak out and see you, the affair as you know it is over.... She WILL be watching him like a hawk. And, I'm sure marriage counselling will be part of the dicussions, and you. Ending ALL contact with you. Unfortunately for you, whatever happens next is out of your hands and control. She will be talking to him, and there's a good chance he will choose to stay in his marriage, work at regaining her love and trust again. And, you won't be part of his life at all. Sorry to sound harsh, but the chances of him picking up with you again after they start sorting stuff out (Unless he wants the marriage over) he could start feeling bad about cheating and lying - Want to fix things... Pricilla is right and it seems this guy hung you out to dry. He knew that you wouldn't say a word to get him into trouble. Do you think that he told her great things about you? That you two are "'just" friends? She isn't stupid and I'm sure by now he's turned the tables around, making YOU look like the bad guy who chased him.....This is why you cannot call or try to see him or email him. If you do that - It will prove HIS point to his wife that you are and were the one chasing him! He isn't going to protect you, he'll protect himself first.... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 and of course i lied for him I hope that one day you will find someone who doesn't put you in a position to do that anymore. I can't imagine how humilated, scared and ashamed you must have been having to take what is most dear to you and deny it outright just to protect it. Your relationship is only as strong as the lies you tell to keep it going. That isn't what love is about, but I think on some level you know that and it is tearing you apart. You can do so much better. Imagine that - an honest relationship that doesn't draw its very lifeblood from lies, deception, and sneaking around. One day you will find someone who won't hide you, who won't make you part of a lie, who will be able to introduce you to friends and family, someone who will want a meaningful life with you that can be shared publicly and proudly. Someone who will give you a future instead of asking you to sit hidden on the sidelines while he lives out his future with his wife. Right now you are convinced you are in love. All that 'love' is though, is a trap that is keeping you in a dark and unhappy place. You hold the key to get out though. All you have to do is use it. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I think this is what people mean when they say OW are NOT 'innocent' when it comes to affairs. They're helping the MM lie every single day if they DON'T tell the wife they're involved with their husband. OW are just as deceitful as MM. In your case, you took it one step further and lied openly to this woman's face. Jesus, are you both happy that the gaslighting effort is in full swing? Look, I'm not a betrayed spouse but I DO have compassion for my fellow man and woman. This poor woman is now going to put ALL her efforts into a reconciliation, based on BOTH of your lies. And that's not even the WORST of it. You both intend to feed this poor woman a slew of lies, let her start feeling a little more secure, and you're both going to go RIGHT back to what you were doing before she found out. In essence, you're BOTH setting her right back up for another fall. Are you proud of yourselves? How utterly despicable. SIA... He was obviously there to control the conversation...You don't know the dynamaics here... she is feeling guilty or she would not have posted the story... You are despicable with your higher than thou attitude... Really you have compassion for your fellow man as long as they do what you believe to be the right thing... and what does Jesus have to do with this anyway Link to post Share on other sites
smokenmirrors Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 A few days ago you said you hated the lying, yet you sat there and lied right to her face to cover for him. Two weeks ago you were wishing that she would find out about your A so that he would have to make a decision, her or you. But you didn't want to call her yourself and tell her (since you have her number and all) because you didn't want to hurt him by doing that. I'm really curious, what do you hope to gain by lying to her face? Lying to her and covering for him is not going to force his hand you know. Did you tell her that you were in her house? In her bedroom and her bathroom? Link to post Share on other sites
vanilla chai Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 well, i have been with my MM for several months now, and his W recently found out about our R this week. she wanted to talk to me, so he arranged a meeting. yes, i had to sit there with both of them and answer her questions!!!! and of course i lied for him. i wish i could have had the strength to tell her the truth, but i just couldnt hurt him like that. i still love him. he thinks we can see each other when things calm down a bit. right now he is under surveilance i am sure. i know i should use this opportunity to move on with my life, but i just dont want to be without him. Why did you lie for this guy? Now his poor wife has to suffer even more from the lies and deception. I'll never understand why the ow lies for her mm when d day hits. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 SBT: Ignore all the advice that is here to hurt you...now is the time for making good decisions...no one knows what it's like to be you...and only YOU can make decisions that will be good for you...listen to Frannie, she is right on...this man is damaging you...you shouldn't have to sit there with her and lie...he's just covering his a**... Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 A few days ago you said you hated the lying, yet you sat there and lied right to her face to cover for him. Two weeks ago you were wishing that she would find out about your A so that he would have to make a decision, her or you. But you didn't want to call her yourself and tell her (since you have her number and all) because you didn't want to hurt him by doing that. I'm really curious, what do you hope to gain by lying to her face? Lying to her and covering for him is not going to force his hand you know. Did you tell her that you were in her house? In her bedroom and her bathroom? I think that the man in this the one that is in control in this situation, he obviously has some kind of hold on her for her to lie to the wife... Put yourself in that situation, or any situation where you could possibly feel intimidated... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Why did you lie for this guy? Now his poor wife has to suffer even more from the lies and deception. I'll never understand why the ow lies for her mm when d day hits. You don't understand anything about OW so of course you wouldn't understand that...while I personally wouldn't do it, I understand why it's done...pretty simple really... Link to post Share on other sites
smokenmirrors Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Greeneyedlady, I wasn't posting anything to deliberately hurt her, just using her past posts on this forum to ask some questions of her. Pricillia, if the man is in control of her, that is her fault. One shouldn't let another control your own actions. That isn't love and sad is deluding herself if she thinks it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 If you don't accept full responsibility for your actions, you will never learn from them. We've all had hard knocks in life, sometimes self-induced, but have survived them hopefully with some insight into ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
vanilla chai Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 You don't understand anything about OW so of course you wouldn't understand that...while I personally wouldn't do it, I understand why it's done...pretty simple really... Personally I don't want to understand the lies and deceptions mm and their ow do to the wife. When the truth comes out and the wife wants answers mm and ow have their thumbs in their butts. Here was the perfect opportunity to lay the cards on the table. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I've heard of some cowardly situations but your MM takes the cake. Using you to cover for his lying ass? How gutless. Why did you put yourself in that situation? Let him be man enough to deal with his own marriage. How can you ever look at him with any respect again? Link to post Share on other sites
Seen_It_All Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 SIA... He was obviously there to control the conversation...You don't know the dynamaics here... she is feeling guilty or she would not have posted the story... You are despicable with your higher than thou attitude... Really you have compassion for your fellow man as long as they do what you believe to be the right thing... and what does Jesus have to do with this anyway Pricillia, like it or not, I've been an OW in the past. I DO know of what I speak. Unlike you, however, I went into the affair with my eyes wide open - I wasn't duped by a first class liar, like you were. And I CERTAINLY wouldn't have stayed with him once I'd found out HOW duped I'd been. But he was STILL a liar because he was cheating on and lying to his wife. At least I can call a spade a spade. And of COURSE you'd ask "what does Jesus have to do with it?" I'm not surprised at all that you'd ask that. You're obviously justifying your affair with a lying shyster who conned you and you stayed with him, so you're probably used to living a life of deceit. Again, calling a spade a spade. What an ignorant statement you made, "Really you have compassion for your fellow man as long as they do what you believe to be the right thing..." Do you HONESTLY believe the WIFE thinks it was right to LIE to her? That I'm the only one on EARTH who saw something wrong with that??? You've simply GOT to be kidding me. I have compassion for ANYONE whose the victim of DECEIT - PERIOD. I would have had compassion for YOU as YOU are a victim of deceit - but you're now a volunteer since you ACCEPTED it. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Look oviously SBT is in need of some support, no one here that has replied has tried to tell her to live in a fantasy world so get off of it! But there are fluffy white clouds and although cherries are nice to look at I never liked the stuff. I am not saying that she is letting MM control her I am saying that in this instance he is staying in control of the situation by being present in the conversation... and any control or hold that MM has on any woman is the love that said woman feels for him.. GOT IT... I would lik to know SAM and VC what do you both do in relationships that is so damm great... what makes you an expert on the relations of MM and OW... Now don't give me it is the fact that you are not doing or have not done what we are doing... I am talking about relationships with no one else involved... Why are you such experts... I am not being condesending because all opinioins are welcome as long as they are in the spirit of support... There is a difference in helping and backhandedly making the OW feel like S***. Link to post Share on other sites
smokenmirrors Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I would lik to know SAM and VC what do you both do in relationships that is so damm great... what makes you an expert on the relations of MM and OW... Now don't give me it is the fact that you are not doing or have not done what we are doing... I am talking about relationships with no one else involved... Why are you such experts... I am not being condesending because all opinioins are welcome as long as they are in the spirit of support... There is a difference in helping and backhandedly making the OW feel like S***. Well pricillia, first of all, I am a new poster here, although I am a LONGTIME reader. Why jump to the conclusion that I am a wife out to make the OW feel like crap? What makes you ASSume I'm not an OW or never was? Years ago, well over 10 years ago, I was an OW, however I didn't know it at the time. Neither of us were married, however he was in a commited relationship, so I found out. He tried to control the situation, I put an end to it. No one controls me, or manipulates me to go against my moral beliefs and help to deceive another. I was lied to, there is no way I would turn around and do the same TO someone else. NO WAY! To this day I remember vividly how it felt to be lied to, deceived and manipulated and I will not be a party to that, ever. That was a very dark time and one I will never repeat. But that's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Well pricillia, first of all, I am a new poster here, although I am a LONGTIME reader. Why jump to the conclusion that I am a wife out to make the OW feel like crap? What makes you ASSume I'm not an OW or never was? Years ago, well over 10 years ago, I was an OW, however I didn't know it at the time. Neither of us were married, however he was in a commited relationship, so I found out. He tried to control the situation, I put an end to it. No one controls me, or manipulates me to go against my moral beliefs and help to deceive another. I was lied to, there is no way I would turn around and do the same TO someone else. NO WAY! To this day I remember vividly how it felt to be lied to, deceived and manipulated and I will not be a party to that, ever. That was a very dark time and one I will never repeat. But that's just me. Well alright it is good to share one's story and now people may be able to relate to you a little better. And no most people do not like to be lied to or lie... But you all should see that the man in SBT's life is manipulating the situation as he was present during the conversation... Put yourself in her shoes... Link to post Share on other sites
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