MM's W found out about me

[norajane]

well, i have been with my MM for several months now, and his W recently found out about our R this week. she wanted to talk to me, so he arranged a meeting. yes, i had to sit there with both of them and answer her questions!!!!

 

Actually, you didn't have to sit there and answer questions. You didn't have to meet her at all. You could have told him to deal with his wife himself. Why did you meet them? Were you hoping he would finally man-up and tell her the truth?

and of course i lied for him.

 

He put you in an incredibly awkward position, in an effort to save his ass and make his wife think she's a jealous, suspcious, paranoid fool. He put his wife in an incredibly awkward position to save his ass and make you seem like a nobody in his life. Why is this man someone you would compromise your integrity to lie for, to compromise your love? Why lie for someone who would deny your existence to suit himself?

 

i wish i could have had the strength to tell her the truth, but i just couldnt hurt him like that. i still love him.

 

He, however, could and DID hurt you like that. BUT, he couldn't hurt his himself by telling his wife truth. Who does he love? Only himself, I think. Cowards lie to save themselves. Cowards don't love anyone but themselves.

 

he thinks we can see each other when things calm down a bit. right now he is under surveilance i am sure. i know i should use this opportunity to move on with my life, but i just dont want to be without him.

 

Why? What are you really getting out of this relationship? You've only been together a few months, you said. So, how have you developed such a strong need for him? What need does he fill in you that you would compromise so much for him?

[scaredinlove]

well, i have been with my MM for several months now, and his W recently found out about our R this week. she wanted to talk to me, so he arranged a meeting. yes, i had to sit there with both of them and answer her questions!!!! and of course i lied for him. i wish i could have had the strength to tell her the truth, but i just couldnt hurt him like that. i still love him. he thinks we can see each other when things calm down a bit. right now he is under surveilance i am sure. i know i should use this opportunity to move on with my life, but i just dont want to be without him.

 

You know that most people would act the same way you did. And honestly if you have told the truth he would probably say you were lying and she would believe him. It is a tough place to be. Don't keep your hopes too high about seeing him again after things get calmer. Try to rebuilt your life away for him. If it was just a couple of months. I have being involved for 4 years going on five and It has being very hard to move on. I wish his W had found out yrs ago when it first started, it would have been much easier than. Good luck and strenght for you.

[Ripples]

You know that most people would act the same way you did. And honestly if you have told the truth he would probably say you were lying and she would believe him.

 

Totally agree.

 

I'd have probably done the same thing put in that position. Maybe because I'd have been scared of what the W may have done. I can be such a wimp.

 

And SIL is so right about the W having a vested interest in believing her H over you.

 

Good luck with all this.

[pureinheart]

Why did you 'have to' sit there with them both..? Whose idea and decision was that..?

 

sadbuttrue I really think you need to get away from this man. He's using both of you and it's absolutely sickening to read about it.

 

Even if you love someone, you don't have to agree with what they're doing, or even stay with them if they're damaging you. You have to love yourself MORE.

 

 

Very well said Frannie

[mopar crazy]

I would of NEVER went and met her, especially w/ both of them there. How awkward for you to do that. What a jerk for just sitting there letting his W drill you for questions and you felt you had to lie b/c of him. This guy is a class A pr!ck!

 

As for the lying, my WH xOW lied every single time I talked to her on the phone. I don't know why she continued to lie when I knew the truth. She just made herself look like a fool. She was under WH thumb big time!

[ratingsguy]

SBT - I'm really sorry to hear that you had to go through that. I'm even sorrier to hear that you had to lie, but I understand because you were in a precarious situation facing the W with your MM present.

 

If something similar happened to me, I would actually want to arrange a meeting with my MW's H, and have it be just me and him alone. Most OW/OMs wouldn't do that, but since the A is out in the open, I really would want to spill my guts. In my situation, I feel kind of sorry for the H... maybe I shouldn't considering how neglecting he's been to my MW over the course of their M. But I just think it would be the right thing to do. Of course I haven't faced a D-day (yet), so maybe I would want to avoid him all together. I'm not sure. But part of me wants to be honest and up-front with the BS... I think it's the right thing to do.

 

One thing is for sure though... this A is officially over. You need to take this opportunity and move on. What you had with your MM is way beyond repair at this point.

 

Stay strong and good luck to you.

[vanilla chai]

Look oviously SBT is in need of some support, no one here that has replied has tried to tell her to live in a fantasy world so get off of it!

 

But there are fluffy white clouds and although cherries are nice to look at I never liked the stuff.

 

I am not saying that she is letting MM control her I am saying that in this instance he is staying in control of the situation by being present in the conversation... and any control or hold that MM has on any woman is the love that said woman feels for him..

 

GOT IT...

 

I would lik to know SAM and VC what do you both do in relationships that is so damm great... what makes you an expert on the relations of MM and OW...

 

Now don't give me it is the fact that you are not doing or have not done what we are doing... I am talking about relationships with no one else involved...

 

Why are you such experts... I am not being condesending because all opinioins are welcome as long as they are in the spirit of support...

 

There is a difference in helping and backhandedly making the OW feel like S***.

 

First of all I take care of my husbands needs emotionally and physically. I don't claim to be and expert on relationships, but I do know that cheating won't solve the problem in a troubled marriage. You either lay your cards on the table or you get out.

 

The issue that I have is the lies and deceptions. Im all for loving relationships,but at whos expense?

[sadbuttrue]

SBT:

 

You're in a hard place...I'm not going to throw stones about how you handled the talk w/the W...I've never been in that situation, and don't know what that would be like...although I would venture a guess that you wouldn't find me meeting with her in the first place...

 

You're dating someone else, is that correct? I think it is best for you to continue dating other people and leave MM to deal with his W...you don't need all that drama...and really their R is between the two of them...

 

Good luck...

thanks green eyed lady. yes, i have been trying to see a SG. i am trying to extricate myself from MM, but it is difficult.

[sadbuttrue]

SBT, what I don't understand is if she found out about you and he arranged a meeting why would you need to lie about the relationship between the two of you?

 

Did you just down play it... obviously his presence was to intimidate you so you would not tell the whole truth to her.

 

By the sounds of it you are daiting someone else... does he know about the other relationship with the MM? I do not know your whole story.

 

Wow what a tough situation, Do you feel guilty for not telling her the whole truth?

 

Ask yourself if he was protecting himself more then you.

 

yes, pricilla i feel absolutely horrible for not telling her the truth, but when the time came, i could not hurt MM. i really wanted to be strong and come clean with her. i do believe she deserves to know the truth of what is going on. i think she will investigate more and find the truth. i know he was out to save his own ass.

[sadbuttrue]

A few days ago you said you hated the lying, yet you sat there and lied right to her face to cover for him. Two weeks ago you were wishing that she would find out about your A so that he would have to make a decision, her or you. But you didn't want to call her yourself and tell her (since you have her number and all) because you didn't want to hurt him by doing that. I'm really curious, what do you hope to gain by lying to her face? Lying to her and covering for him is not going to force his hand you know. Did you tell her that you were in her house? In her bedroom and her bathroom?

 

actually sm, i am the one who called her-anonymously of course. i didnt tell anyone that i was the one. i did not want MM to find out. but yes i am the one who told her and brought this down on myself because i could not take it anymore. no matter how much i love MM, i knew it was killing me. i thought if she knew maybe there would be a decision made. obviously i lost here, which was not unexpected.

[Island Girl]

actually sm, i am the one who called her-anonymously of course. i didnt tell anyone that i was the one. i did not want MM to find out. but yes i am the one who told her and brought this down on myself because i could not take it anymore. no matter how much i love MM, i knew it was killing me. i thought if she knew maybe there would be a decision made. obviously i lost here, which was not unexpected.

 

Wait -- ?

 

You called her and told her he was having an affair.

 

He told her a pack of lies obviously to belie the fact of what was really going on.

 

Then, set you up to back him up, and you did. (!)

 

Which enabled him to not make a decision, which is what you wanted in the first place?!!

 

Plus, you had told the W he was having an affair but then denied it when he set you up?

 

So now W is led to believe the anonymous caller, which was you, lied about it being an affair when in fact you were telling the truth.

 

But W was led to believe the person across the table, which was you, was telling the truth when in fact you were lying.

 

So now he lays low for a while before continuing the relationship that was so difficult for you that you called his W in the first place.

 

Meanwhile the W had an indication of the truth then was led to believe that was a lie and is now trying to address marital issues and fix her marriage possibly based on the fact that he did not cheat when in fact he did.

And knowing that it may have changed her mind of whether or not she wanted him in the first place.

 

Oh that's great. What a mess.

[sadbuttrue]

thank you all for your understanding words. i know there are always people who do not understand. i think if it had just been me and MM's W, i could have talked to her more honestly, but with him sitting there staring at me, this the man that i had made love to the day before, well, it was hard to out him to her. and yes i know that he used me to save his own ass. i am dealing with that. of course he says he hated doing that to me, but the fact is that i felt i had to do it.

[sadbuttrue]

Wait -- ?

 

You called her and told her he was having an affair.

 

He told her a pack of lies obviously to belie the fact of what was really going on.

 

Then, set you up to back him up, and you did. (!)

 

Which enabled him to not make a decision, which is what you wanted in the first place?!!

 

Plus, you had told the W he was having an affair but then denied it when he set you up?

 

So now W is led to believe the anonymous caller, which was you, lied about it being an affair when in fact you were telling the truth.

 

But W was led to believe the person across the table, which was you, was telling the truth when in fact you were lying.

 

So now he lays low for a while before continuing the relationship that was so difficult for you that you called his W in the first place.

 

Meanwhile the W had an indication of the truth then was led to believe that was a lie and is now trying to address marital issues and fix her marriage possibly based on the fact that he did not cheat when in fact he did.

And knowing that it may have changed her mind of whether or not she wanted him in the first place.

 

Oh that's great. What a mess.

 

 

i know IG. i have really screwed everything up. i wanted her to know, but didnt want him to know that i told. i think she will find out more just by talking to other people. i dont think she really believed us anyway. and she made it very clear that she wasnt leaving her M without a fight, so i know MM will never get out. he will stay and be miserable, which is what i guess he deserves.

[Jinxx]

thank you all for your understanding words. i know there are always people who do not understand. i think if it had just been me and MM's W, i could have talked to her more honestly, but with him sitting there staring at me, this the man that i had made love to the day before, well, it was hard to out him to her. and yes i know that he used me to save his own ass. i am dealing with that. of course he says he hated doing that to me, but the fact is that i felt i had to do it.

 

Hey SBT -- you did what you had to do. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. No judgement on my part on how you handled the situation.

[norajane]

actually sm, i am the one who called her-anonymously of course. i didnt tell anyone that i was the one. i did not want MM to find out. but yes i am the one who told her and brought this down on myself because i could not take it anymore. no matter how much i love MM, i knew it was killing me. i thought if she knew maybe there would be a decision made. obviously i lost here, which was not unexpected.

 

So you called his W anonymously and told her he was having an affair, hoping that the **** would hit the fan and she would either throw him out, or he would be forced to choose between you, and maybe he'd choose you.

 

But things didn't go the way you thought they would. Instead of him being honest with his wife, he lied to her by telling her nothing was going on and he was being falsely accused, and then he used you to lie to her and tell her he was being falsely accused. And even though you tipped her off, you sat there and lied to her face because you didn't want to hurt HIM, the guy who threw both of you to the wolves.

 

So now, W has to deal with poor H who has been falsely accused and is probably milking it and blaming her for believing an anonymous caller, while you get to sit around waiting for MM to come sneaking back when the heat dies down.

 

Do you see what you have become? Do you see what this affair has done to you? Seriously, is the kind of person you want to be? Is this the kind of life you want to have?

[sadbuttrue]

thanks jinxx. i know i have not made the best decisions in my life. some have been quite terrible, but i have never tried to intentionally hurt someone.

[Island Girl]

i know IG. i have really screwed everything up. i wanted her to know, but didnt want him to know that i told. i think she will find out more just by talking to other people. i dont think she really believed us anyway. and she made it very clear that she wasnt leaving her M without a fight, so i know MM will never get out. he will stay and be miserable, which is what i guess he deserves.

 

I'm sorry. I know he is telling you he is miserable but if he really was this was his "out" and the open door didn't look very good to him.

 

Possibly knowing you had slept with her husband just the day before may have changed her tune but you'll never know now. Information does often change a persons perspective especially upon reflection.

 

He really set you up - and I do not know how you could not look at him at that point and see his yellow underbelly. You know, see him for what he truly is.

 

It is sad that you sat there lying for him while he sat there and let you squirm. What a piece of crap. Really. What a scumbag.

 

You can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, he has no caring for either of you just a love of himself and his own desires. I guess it doesn't matter how far he goes to preserve his "cake eater" lifestyle and he's got you both wrapped up in hurt and confusion.

 

I do feel for you. I really do. But I still believe she deserved to know the truth and if he wanted to put you in the hot seat then he should have had to deal with the consequences.

 

He still may have been able to lie his way out of it if she wanted to live with obvious delusions but at least at this point your conscience would be clear.

[sadbuttrue]

nj, i realize how crazy all of this sounds. and yes i wish she had thrown him out and maybe he would have chose me then. that sounds sad and somehow a little sick, but that is me i guess but no, it didnt go that way, and i did know that it was very likely that it would not all come out the way i wanted, but i thought that she would at least be aware of what was going on and maybe pay a little more attention.

[Trialbyfire]

i know IG. i have really screwed everything up. i wanted her to know, but didnt want him to know that i told. i think she will find out more just by talking to other people. i dont think she really believed us anyway. and she made it very clear that she wasnt leaving her M without a fight, so i know MM will never get out. he will stay and be miserable, which is what i guess he deserves.

If you don't want him around, then call her again. This time, tell her the truth so at least it's off your chest. You owe this man nothing. He has given you no respect.

[sadbuttrue]

i know IG, i realize that he obviously did not care about me enough to want to be with me in a real R. and even if they do not stay together, which i think they will, he would only be with me because she ended their marriage. i know i shouldnt wait around to be second best. it is just going to take me time to make my heart believe what my head already knows.

[norajane]

nj, i realize how crazy all of this sounds. and yes i wish she had thrown him out and maybe he would have chose me then. that sounds sad and somehow a little sick, but that is me i guess but no, it didnt go that way, and i did know that it was very likely that it would not all come out the way i wanted, but i thought that she would at least be aware of what was going on and maybe pay a little more attention.

 

No, I don't believe that is "you". I think that's what this affair, and all the lying and sneaking around, has done to you.

 

Think back to the woman you were before this affair. Were you sad and somehow a little sick? I don't for a minute believe that you - the real you - is that kind of person. And I believe you can get yourself back. But it starts with getting rid of this little coward MM.

[sadbuttrue]

No, I don't believe that is "you". I think that's what this affair, and all the lying and sneaking around, has done to you.

 

Think back to the woman you were before this affair. Were you sad and somehow a little sick? I don't for a minute believe that you - the real you - is that kind of person. And I believe you can get yourself back. But it starts with getting rid of this little coward MM.

 

nj, this is my first experience dating a MM, and i can definitely say last, and i do think it has changed me. i will be more aware in the future of how i interact with MM in particular. no more close friendships. it makes me feel terrible to want someone so much who belongs to another. seeing her sitting there, knowing that she was terrified of losing her family because of me, i did feel very sorry for what i had done. but, honestly, if MM wants to see me again, i can not say that i wont. and that makes me even more sad.

[Island Girl]

If you don't want him around, then call her again. This time, tell her the truth so at least it's off your chest. You owe this man nothing. He has given you no respect.

 

Seriously sadbuttrue -

 

You know this guy has done a number on you, your self-esteem, and your self-respect.

 

You know he is no good for you.

 

As much as you don't want to - you say it would be difficult for you not to buy in again.

 

So why not remove the possibility? I would bolster my courage make the tough phone call - this time obviously NOT anonymously - tell his wife the truth including the fact that you were with him the day before the meeting.

 

I'd tell her you just wanted her to be able to handle her situation empowered by the truth and answer her questions honestly.

 

If you can't face a phone call, think about a letter - however you will have to put yourself in her shoes and try to answer the questions you think she'd want to know. It may not be that difficult considering you already know what was asked when you were face to face, however, there may have been different questions if you had told the truth at that time.

 

Then be done with him. Walk away so to speak. Change your phone number - get a new e-mail address - block the avenues of contact.

 

Remember that he completely disregarded you and your feeling as meaningless when confronted.

 

Truly taking the steps to make sure it ends is best for YOU and how you feel about yourself.

 

Only then can you look toward a different future.

 

I really hope you consider this. It could help you get a handle on your life without his manipulation as a part of it.

[sadbuttrue]

thank you IG. believe me this has crossed my mind several times since the meeting. i know i could tell her enough so that she would know he was lying to her about the A. i think she does deserve to have all the information to make the best decision for her. i will have to separate myself further from MM before i can do this though.

[Island Girl]

thank you IG. believe me this has crossed my mind several times since the meeting. i know i could tell her enough so that she would know he was lying to her about the A. i think she does deserve to have all the information to make the best decision for her. i will have to separate myself further from MM before i can do this though.

 

Just remember there was a mile of space between you and him at the other side of the table that night.

 

You were dangling out there in the tornado wind while he watched from the safety of knowing he had manipulated you so well you'd not tell the truth.

 

He has lied to you, used you, gotten you to betray your own conscience, and put you in a position where you are chasing after less than what you deserve.

 

Does that sound like love? -- He is not even your friend. Friends don't do this - and certainly someone who loves you doesn't.

 

Be better to yourself. Please. Just see yourself as worth more than you have been getting.