MM's W found out about me

[sadbuttrue]

i did feel somewhat thrown to the sharks (sorry not meaning anything against the BW's). i also noticed that he did not treat his w very well in my presence either. he was not nice to her. i felt so bad for her. i know it had to be humiliating for her as well, and very hard for her to do. she was much stronger than i was and i respect her for her strength.

[frannie]

i did feel somewhat thrown to the sharks (sorry not meaning anything against the BW's). i also noticed that he did not treat his w very well in my presence either. he was not nice to her. i felt so bad for her. i know it had to be humiliating for her as well, and very hard for her to do. she was much stronger than i was and i respect her for her strength.

 

Hello sadbuttrue,

 

I can't imagine a man who is doing what he's doing to you and to her could possibly treat any woman properly. As I said in my first post, he's just using you both... and you have an advantage in that you can see the lies he's telling, and how he's gaslighting her.

 

I think Trialbyfire has a good suggestion there: you could do his W a favour by telling her the truth now. What she does with that information is up to her.

 

HOWEVER, I'd say, only do that if you think you would be safe (from him, and from her), and that you believe it's the best thing to do for your peace of mind, and in your own interests.

 

Look after yourself.

[LucreziaBorgia]

ihe will stay and be miserable, which is what i guess he deserves.

 

What about you, sad? What do YOU deserve?

 

Surely you know that there are better things out there for you than this?

[pricillia]

Pricillia, like it or not, I've been an OW in the past. I DO know of what I speak. Unlike you, however, I went into the affair with my eyes wide open - I wasn't duped by a first class liar, like you were. And I CERTAINLY wouldn't have stayed with him once I'd found out HOW duped I'd been. But he was STILL a liar because he was cheating on and lying to his wife. At least I can call a spade a spade.

 

And of COURSE you'd ask "what does Jesus have to do with it?" I'm not surprised at all that you'd ask that. You're obviously justifying your affair with a lying shyster who conned you and you stayed with him, so you're probably used to living a life of deceit. Again, calling a spade a spade.

 

What an ignorant statement you made, "Really you have compassion for your fellow man as long as they do what you believe to be the right thing..." Do you HONESTLY believe the WIFE thinks it was right to LIE to her? That I'm the only one on EARTH who saw something wrong with that??? You've simply GOT to be kidding me. I have compassion for ANYONE whose the victim of DECEIT - PERIOD. I would have had compassion for YOU as YOU are a victim of deceit - but you're now a volunteer since you ACCEPTED it.

 

 

 

Seen it ok so you were in an affair does not mean that your situation is like everyone eles and it does not mean that everyone is going to handle thier situation the way that you handled yours...not everyone could be like you... it is not all about you. You seem to give cookie cutter advice to everyone that finds themselves in an affair. If you think that I make things easy for him I do not, he knows the unhappiness I feel about the situation, he knows what he did was wrong. I am though not going to give people like you amunition to bash, after all this is a support forum.

 

So the reason why I said that you have compassion for your fellow man as long as they handle things the way you would handle them, but if they don't then you have no compassion.... So it is like saying my way or the highway. I am not justifying anything at all and I am not living a life of deceit, you don't even know an updated story of mine and you don't know the guilt that I feel.

 

And to answer your question, I do not believe that lying is the right thing to do, I care about him but am very dissatisfied with the situation

 

And first of all no one is a victim unless they let themselves be.

 

Also I asked what Jesus has to do with it because this issue is not a religious issue...MORAL yes but not religious. so let's leave religion out of it. If you want to bring in religion then we can talk about why priests feel it it alright to molest young boys and cover it up, now that is deciet at it's highest form...

 

So do not get me talking about religion and Jesus and all the pain that comes along with that.

[sadbuttrue]

What about you, sad? What do YOU deserve?

 

Surely you know that there are better things out there for you than this?

 

lb, i realize i deserve better, but for some reason i dont want better, i want sorry MM to love me. i should have never fallen in love with him. i am trying to make things better for myself, but it is going to be hard to remove myself from this situation totally. i am working on it though. thanks you for your words.

[stillafool]

I think this guy sounds like one of the most selfish people I have ever heard of. He would rather hurt you and his wife at the same time than to hurt himself. You said he was treating his wife terrible at the conference, and this is after he has been caught in an affair. Just imagine if you were his wife how he would treat you. The same way if not worst. I agree with the one poster that says "your affair as you knew it is over". She is on to you and that does take some of the "hot air" out of his balloon. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't get involved with another woman just to get back that "high" he once had with you before he got caught with you. Anyone who sounds as selfish as him is not going to go without his "drug" too long.

[addicted2love]

I don't understand....you made an "annonymous" call to her? Then how did she find out you were the one she needed to confront? You gave her your own name?

 

As an xOW I don't understand how you could throw yourself under the bus like this. If you were tired of the game, the lies and the pain of the A why didn't you just walk away? You had to know that MM wasn't going to profess his undying love for you in front of his W. I don't know any MM who is put in that situation that would do that.

 

Please help me understand why you would purposely hurt everyone involved including yourself.

[whichwayisup]

actually sm, i am the one who called her-anonymously of course. i didnt tell anyone that i was the one. i did not want MM to find out. but yes i am the one who told her and brought this down on myself because i could not take it anymore. no matter how much i love MM, i knew it was killing me. i thought if she knew maybe there would be a decision made. obviously i lost here, which was not unexpected.

 

Yet, you still plan on seeing him when things settle down?? What was the whole point then? That she would freak out, then dump him, hand him over to you without a fight, and he'd run straight into your arms?

[YoMomma]

Yet, you still plan on seeing him when things settle down?? What was the whole point then? That she would freak out, then dump him, hand him over to you without a fight, and he'd run straight into your arms?

 

WWIU - B I N G O! Duh, talk about dumb - what the heck was she thinking? OP, I can not imagine why you did what you did, I am sure things did not turn out as you planned. I wish you all the strength in the world, you are going to need it - take one hour/day at a time - it will get easier. In the end it all turns out the same - the women get hurt - the cakeman goes on a diet.

[pricillia]

SBT,

 

I don't think that you are dumb, and I am not judging at all. Now that she knows I would definately take a step back from the situation that you are in.

 

You called and told her, obviously you were upset about something that he did or said or didn't do or say.

 

What do you hope could come of the relationship between you and him. You say that you love him, however you did something against him knowing that it would cause trouble for him.

 

I know that being in this situation is difficult however, putting him in this situation and probably forcing him to make a decision is a sure way to backfire on you.

[sadbuttrue]

I don't understand....you made an "annonymous" call to her? Then how did she find out you were the one she needed to confront? You gave her your own name?

 

As an xOW I don't understand how you could throw yourself under the bus like this. If you were tired of the game, the lies and the pain of the A why didn't you just walk away? You had to know that MM wasn't going to profess his undying love for you in front of his W. I don't know any MM who is put in that situation that would do that.

 

Please help me understand why you would purposely hurt everyone involved including yourself.

 

a2l, yes i did give her my name. i know i could have just walked away and she would have never been the wiser, but i did not feel like she deserved that either. i thought that she should know what her H had been doing, although i obviously was unable to tell her all myself. no i did not expect that she would immediately dump him and he would turn to me. i am not going to say that i wouldnt have wanted that to happen, but no i did not expect it. yes, i screwed everything up for everyone involved, and really nothing has come of it. i do feel stupid right now.

[sadbuttrue]

pricilla, yes i know that i have messed everything up. i do love him, but i know that i need to get out of this toxic relationship, no matter how much i love him. i couldnt walk away on my own, i thought this would end it. maybe he would make the decision and end it himself, then i could have gotten out. i would definitely not pursue someone who did not want me. that is not the way it has turned out however.

[GreenEyedLady]

SBT: You can TAKE the CONTROL away now...you don't have to answer his calls, meet his W or see him ever again...he has really treated you badly...and you DON'T DESERVE to be treated that way...

 

The fact that you called her and told her about yourself, tells me that you are very conflicted and unhappy in the R and were using a passive-aggressive action to try and force a decision to be made...the thing is SBT: YOU can MAKE the DECISION, you don't need someone else to make it for you...

 

YOU are stronger than you think...

[pricillia]

pricilla, yes i know that i have messed everything up. i do love him, but i know that i need to get out of this toxic relationship, no matter how much i love him. i couldnt walk away on my own, i thought this would end it. maybe he would make the decision and end it himself, then i could have gotten out. i would definitely not pursue someone who did not want me. that is not the way it has turned out however.

 

 

Ok You may feel stupid right now but you are not stupid!!!

 

I can understand that you were trying to bring things to the surface, and that did take courage on your part!

 

If you felt that it was the right thing to do to let her know then it was the right thing to do for you.

 

Just like GEL said you are stronger then you think and you do have control over your life now, she now knows so I would not try to be with MM any longer. I know this is difficult but you now are closer to moving on then you were before, so try it for a little while and see how it goes.

[frannie]

pricilla, yes i know that i have messed everything up. i do love him, but i know that i need to get out of this toxic relationship, no matter how much i love him. i couldnt walk away on my own, i thought this would end it. maybe he would make the decision and end it himself, then i could have gotten out. i would definitely not pursue someone who did not want me. that is not the way it has turned out however.

 

Hey, don't worry, you did what a lot of people are always preaching at the OW to do: clue the W in on what is happening.

 

Now that you have done (or at least half done), you are getting a lot of abuse for having done that. Well guess what, it seems you can't please all of the people all of the time, eh..?

 

What you thought you may or may not get out of it... even if it's just for this to be OVER... I don't see that that matters in the vast scheme of things. You did what you had to do. So don't worry about the past. Time to think of the future.

 

You may have done her and yourself an enormous favour. Who knows.

[sadbuttrue]

SBT: You can TAKE the CONTROL away now...you don't have to answer his calls, meet his W or see him ever again...he has really treated you badly...and you DON'T DESERVE to be treated that way...

 

The fact that you called her and told her about yourself, tells me that you are very conflicted and unhappy in the R and were using a passive-aggressive action to try and force a decision to be made...the thing is SBT: YOU can MAKE the DECISION, you don't need someone else to make it for you...

 

YOU are stronger than you think...

 

thanks again gel, i really hope you are right about me i want to be stronger.

[Lezbean]

You need to stop covering up for the cowardly, lying, cheater and tell his wife the truth.

 

Then end your relationship with him because really it's already over.

 

He made you out to be a schmuck. How dare he ask you to lie to cover is own butt.

 

Grow some nads for him and tell his wife everything.

[yousaveme]

I have been through the W finding out.

 

IMO he totally disrespected you putting you in a position to cover HIS ass. There was nothing you needed to tell the W. That was on him.

 

I know you are going through some serious emotions right now. But you need to take care of YOU. Are you the only person that can do that for yourself.

 

I think you mentioned that he said he wants things back when things calm down. IMO , dont do it. As harsh as that sounds. He didnt defend you , He didnt protect you. He isnt looking out for you. He is looking out for his OWN best welfare.

[Trialbyfire]

HOWEVER, I'd say, only do that if you think you would be safe (from him, and from her), and that you believe it's the best thing to do for your peace of mind, and in your own interests.

 

Look after yourself.

This is also good advice. Time for you to look out for yourself because he's left you hanging high and dry.

 

At least you made the first contact with the wife so that she's now on the alert, whether she consciously knows it or not.

 

Get out, find yourself, then find someone who you will treat you with the respect that everyone deserves.

[Izzar]

Hi. Just wanted to add that my s/o's wife found a card from me in his lunchbag, she freaked out. She called him & wanted to know why he screwed her over again for the second time in their marriage. He told her he did not love her anymore & would not be going back home.

From there it is history. So it can work in the ow's favor when the wife does find out.

(Sorry for jumping in)

[ThumbingMyWay]

As harsh as that sounds. He didnt defend you , He didnt protect you. He isnt looking out for you. He is looking out for his OWN best welfare.

 

now, first off....you will get through this. You will have to endure a lot pain, but you will make it through. And you WILL be stronger after all of this...and you will learn a lot about yourself. You will become a better person. Just sux you had to experince the trials of an affair to do it. Being a BS, I learned alot from my wifes affair....bitter sweet, but it has made me/wife stronger and not so niave to the ways of human emotion.

 

NOW...with me being a BS, dont take this personally, its not my intention to bash you in anyway. but I have to point something out that I have been trying to say to the OW all along. The fact that once the affair IS exposed, the MM will cover his ASS to the end of the earth, He will lie lie lie. he will minimize it to his wife. He will betray you the OW. The OW who thought she was so special. This is when his pure selfishness comes to light....and then the guy has the nerve to say...lets start back up in a few months....WTF....he denied YOU SBT, but he wants you to accept it and get back when it settles down. if that doesnt show true colors...I dont know what does.

 

 

For all the OW that have come here in the last few months or so. We all know there is a few that are here that are in the height of there affair, we see the BS VS OW threads everyday.

 

SBT has reached the end of her affair. She is now in personal recovery mode. I hope SBT keeps us updated to her progress for getting past this. We all can help her endure.

 

But what I would HOPE the other OW on this thread will do, is to watch SBT's progress thru all of this. She is going to be on a huge emotional roller coaster....she will have ups and downs and will have some very hard times, its inevitable.

 

So to all the OW out there.....watch SBT....her situation is no different than yours....and the pain she will experience will soon come your way. So PLEASE take heed and prepare yourself for the inevitable end of your affair.

[GreenEyedLady]

So it can work in the ow's favor when the wife does find out.

 

I disagree with this statement...that turns it into a competition, which it's not and shouldn't be...

 

Why would you really want a man who just wants to be with you because his W found out or would drop his M in an instant? It seems like the better alternative is for the married couple to either work on the M or end it because it's irreparable...

[marlena]

Hey SBT -- you did what you had to do. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. No judgement on my part on how you handled the situation.

 

 

No judgement here either. I know only too well how intense emotions can drive you to all extremes...how duplicity can enrage and convert you into a person that ia totally alien to your true nature... I pray you find the strength to get out before things truly take a tragic turn as they did for me .....

[sadbuttrue]

tmy, i am sorry that you also had to experience betrayal. i appreciate your wanting to help, but i do not think that every OW's affairs are the same. some of these R do work out. there are a lot of unhappy married people out there, who just cant leave marriages for whatever reason. that is why affairs start i believe. yes, granted there are some sorry people out there who are just selfish and have affairs just to have them, but i think most are love affairs. so i dont agree with all of your words about the OW not being special in all cases. and that all these affairs will end like mine. it is a painful situation for a lot of us, but not all.

[Izzar]

That was not supposed to sound as if it was a competition & I won.

In no way, shape or form was that the case. He didn't just CHOOSE me cause his wife found out.

He didn't want to hurt her again like the first time by staying in the marriage & having an affair (nor did I). So he was honest with her telling her he no longer was in love with her & needed to leave for her future happiness & his.