GreenEyedLady Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 But what I would HOPE the other OW on this thread will do, is to watch SBT's progress thru all of this. She is going to be on a huge emotional roller coaster....she will have ups and downs and will have some very hard times, its inevitable.So to all the OW out there.....watch SBT....her situation is no different than yours....and the pain she will experience will soon come your way. Well, if this doesn't sound foreboding... TMW: All break-ups hurt when you love the other person...especially if you break-up when you are still "in love" with them...I don't think anyone here has illusions that it will all end happily ever after, just hope...nothing in life is a guarantee, whether you're with a MM or a SG... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 i want to say thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. it is greatly appreciated. i am going to do my best to work things out for the best now that i have started this. love is such a strange emotion sometimes. it does seem to make you do things you never thought you would or could. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 But when the MM's ass in on the line, he will tell his wife anything, and backtrack....He may feel the OW is special, and probably had deep feelings too while the affair was on-going, but as soon as it ends, he does a 180. You won't be there to defend yourself when he turns the tables on you. He will downplay the whole thing, all that you felt was special at the time - Won't matter to him when he realizes his wife could be giving him a chance to work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 tmy, i am sorry that you also had to experience betrayal. i appreciate your wanting to help, but i do not think that every OW's affairs are the same. some of these R do work out. there are a lot of unhappy married people out there, who just cant leave marriages for whatever reason. that is why affairs start i believe. yes, granted there are some sorry people out there who are just selfish and have affairs just to have them, but i think most are love affairs. so i dont agree with all of your words about the OW not being special in all cases. and that all these affairs will end like mine. it is a painful situation for a lot of us, but not all. OK..I will give you that....not all are the same or end like yours. BUT I would bet that MOST affairs, when exposed, do not end happily. And from personal experince with dealing with my wifes affair. She thought just like you. She was special, OM never lied to her, it was all real and true. Sorry, but my wife, like most OW....was in "FOG" land. In the beginning of the exposed affair life, she thought just like you. She wanted so bad to believe what she had was real and true and special. And to a point it was real and was special, FOR THE MOMMENT for the 2 of them. BUT it was all a secret, it was there own little world. now that it became exposed to the REAL LIVING world it wasnt so specail anymore. And over time, in fact to this day........my wife still harbors anger towards her exOM and the lies and deception he used. She felt special, but when the cold hard truth came to light, my wife realized how wrong the whole affair was. But it took a long time for her blinders to fall off and see it for what it was. You will get there too, just as all (or I mean most, i am trying not to use absolutes) OW will. I really hope you take this as a wake up call to GET OUT and run away. You are better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 So do not get me talking about religion and Jesus and all the pain that comes along with that. __________________ Touche!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
addicted2love Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 a2l, yes i did give her my name. i know i could have just walked away and she would have never been the wiser, but i did not feel like she deserved that either. i thought that she should know what her H had been doing, although i obviously was unable to tell her all myself. no i did not expect that she would immediately dump him and he would turn to me. i am not going to say that i wouldnt have wanted that to happen, but no i did not expect it. yes, i screwed everything up for everyone involved, and really nothing has come of it. i do feel stupid right now. I hope you didn't feel like I was being harsh I just wanted to understand. I too thought about "outing" MM when his W called me on D day. I didn't tell the truth either for many reasons. I didn't want to hurt her more than she was already hurting. It's a tough situation to be in...that's why I can't imagine putting myself in that situation diliberately. I still can't believe that your MM arranged for you to have a "sit down" meeting with them. I never would have been able to do it. Good luck to you..hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Virginia Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Great another women deeply hurt due to a cheating husband. A womens life been turned upside down. Doesn't it make you feel all warm and fuzzy? Dump the MM he is not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Well, if this doesn't sound foreboding... TMW: All break-ups hurt when you love the other person...especially if you break-up when you are still "in love" with them...I don't think anyone here has illusions that it will all end happily ever after, just hope...nothing in life is a guarantee, whether you're with a MM or a SG... When I wrote that I was hoping it wouldnt come across in a "I told you so" context.....it wasnt meant to be that way. Foreboding....no I cannot tell the future....i just look at past experince and make a judgement call. But IMO...the odds are staked against your HOPE of it ending happily. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 i dont think these situations make anyone feel all warm and fuzzy virginia. Link to post Share on other sites
yousaveme Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Not to say this happens to everyone. But My MM didnt lie and he didnt try and save his own ass. He defended me and admitted his feelings for me. I wish SBT the best of luck. Her MM was different then mine. I wish that on no one. He totally disrespected her. now, first off....you will get through this. You will have to endure a lot pain, but you will make it through. And you WILL be stronger after all of this...and you will learn a lot about yourself. You will become a better person. Just sux you had to experince the trials of an affair to do it. Being a BS, I learned alot from my wifes affair....bitter sweet, but it has made me/wife stronger and not so niave to the ways of human emotion. NOW...with me being a BS, dont take this personally, its not my intention to bash you in anyway. but I have to point something out that I have been trying to say to the OW all along. The fact that once the affair IS exposed, the MM will cover his ASS to the end of the earth, He will lie lie lie. he will minimize it to his wife. He will betray you the OW. The OW who thought she was so special. This is when his pure selfishness comes to light....and then the guy has the nerve to say...lets start back up in a few months....WTF....he denied YOU SBT, but he wants you to accept it and get back when it settles down. if that doesnt show true colors...I dont know what does. For all the OW that have come here in the last few months or so. We all know there is a few that are here that are in the height of there affair, we see the BS VS OW threads everyday. SBT has reached the end of her affair. She is now in personal recovery mode. I hope SBT keeps us updated to her progress for getting past this. We all can help her endure. But what I would HOPE the other OW on this thread will do, is to watch SBT's progress thru all of this. She is going to be on a huge emotional roller coaster....she will have ups and downs and will have some very hard times, its inevitable. So to all the OW out there.....watch SBT....her situation is no different than yours....and the pain she will experience will soon come your way. So PLEASE take heed and prepare yourself for the inevitable end of your affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Izzar Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Not to say this happens to everyone. But My MM didnt lie and he didnt try and save his own ass. He defended me and admitted his feelings for me. I wish SBT the best of luck. Her MM was different then mine. I wish that on no one. He totally disrespected her. Yousaveme why does his wife still want to stay married if he admitted to her that he loves you? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 But IMO...the odds are staked against your HOPE of it ending happily. And I'm not saying that you are wrong, I'm just trying to tell you what it feels like as the "other"... Some people think with their heads and some people think with their hearts and still others think with both at different times...and eventually, what is meant to be, happens... And I think the ODDS are staked against the hope of lots of R ending happily... Link to post Share on other sites
Virginia Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 i dont think these situations make anyone feel all warm and fuzzy virginia. But dosesn't make you feel bad enough to actually leave another wifes husband alone huh? BTDT got the T-shirt. You have no idea how much this ****s up lifes. I know it is hard,but you do deserve so much better. You deserve someone who will give you all of him,someone you do not have to share,and someone who loves you enough to be with you and only you. I hope you find the happiness everyone should get to feel one day Best of luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 And I'm not saying that you are wrong, I'm just trying to tell you what it feels like as the "other"... Some people think with their heads and some people think with their hearts and still others think with both at different times...and eventually, what is meant to be, happens... And I think the ODDS are staked against the hope of lots of R ending happily... I tried to edit this, but it wouldn't let me... I meant to say that the odds are staked against the hope of lots of R lasting... Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Great another women deeply hurt due to a cheating husband. A womens life been turned upside down. Doesn't it make you feel all warm and fuzzy? Dump the MM he is not worth it. No, Virginia, TWO women are deeply hurt by a cheating husband/lover!!! Both are in essence victims! That said,humanely speaking, should feel a sense of compassion for the other!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 No, Virginia, TWO women are deeply hurt by a cheating husband/lover!!! Both are in essence victims! That said,humanely speaking, should feel a sense of compassion for the other!!! Yes, two women are hurt, but only one who is an innocent victim in all this, is the betrayed spouse! The OW MUST take responsibility for her part in the affair! The OW KNEW MM was married. To put ALL the blame on the MM is ridculous! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 wwiu, of course i know i am also to blame. yes, i knew that he was married. i made a huge mistake. i have never felt like i was a victim. i have felt bad for his wife from the beginning, ok i guess not bad enough you would say, but i felt guilt over what we were doing to her. that is part of the reason i thought she should know. but loving him and doing right by her just dont mesh well together. what i did was more for her benefit than what i felt in my heart i should do because i loved him. i made a choice and went against my MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Yes, two women are hurt, but only one who is an innocent victim in all this, is the betrayed spouse! The OW MUST take responsibility for her part in the affair! The OW KNEW MM was married. To put ALL the blame on the MM is ridculous! I don't agree with any OWs lifestyles but in some cases, the vast majority if not all the blame resides with the MM. I do speak from experience after learning more and more about my personal pandora's box. In this particular situation, the OW involved at least took the initiative to contact the W so she was forewarned to an extent. That the OW lied afterwards, I can't agree with. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Not to say this happens to everyone. But My MM didnt lie and he didnt try and save his own ass. He defended me and admitted his feelings for me. I wish SBT the best of luck. Her MM was different then mine. I wish that on no one. He totally disrespected her. And I'm not saying that you are wrong, I'm just trying to tell you what it feels like as the "other"... Some people think with their heads and some people think with their hearts and still others think with both at different times...and eventually, what is meant to be, happens... And I think the ODDS are staked against the hope of lots of R ending happily... I wish there was a "face down and shaking head" smile....cuase thats what I would post. I feel like I am talking to my wife or kids. Yeah but...yeah but...Yeah but... OK....SOME affairs/marriages end nicely...I will agree to that. Being a BS, i am cynical, as it shows...BUT I admit that too. and to add to GELs last sentence there....that is so true....ODDS are not in favor to being happily married for 50 years.....in fact I dont even think they make 50 year wedding aniversary cakes anymore....there so rare they are special order now.... but really, after talking with some of you OW....I dont know why I even try anymore.....IMO, it just seems you ALWAYS (or I mean MOST of the time) have some sort of caviot or exception. And from my experince, having some sort of justification helps your inner pride from accepting the whole truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Izzar Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 At the risk of sounding arrogant, I feel I helped my s/o & his stbxw. They are both free now to be happy! With who they want to be with. No more lies. We both were in horrible marriages & it just so worked out that all parties involved are no longer miserable. That's a happy ending. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 I was just responding to virgina's post reply, SBT...I feel for your pain. I don't agree with any OWs lifestyles but in some cases, the vast majority if not all the blame resides with the MM. I do speak from experience after learning more and more about my personal pandora's box Ofcourse, if the OW never knew he was married, which happens. But, once the OW finds out he's married, she then has a choice. Either stay the OW, knowingly, or end it and walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 TMW: I way find your advice to me so "tongue in cheek" because of my current circumstances... And that this forum has really turned from it's intended purpose, that I feel unsafe to even post about it...that instead of a place of support and exchange of ideals, it has become a place of judgment (I am saying this generally, not meaning everyone or anyone in particular)... But I will say, when people are ready to do what must be done, they do it... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 No, Virginia, TWO women are deeply hurt by a cheating husband/lover!!! Both are in essence victims! That said,humanely speaking, should feel a sense of compassion for the other!!! BS the only victim is the wife. If you want to play around with a MM don't come crying when your wittle feelings get hurt. You made your bed.... The OW is NOT a victim,not in the slightest,and to say other wise is just trying to make yourself feel better. YOU choose to go with a MM,YOU choose to play a part in messing up someone elses life how can you say you are a victim???? A victim is someone who doesn't CHOSE something. People have warped ideas about what is love. What you are feeling is not love. You are addicted to the drama,you may feel hurt at times and wish he was with you but deep down you probably associate hurt with love. Love is beautiful,love is giving somebody all of you,love is loving someone who loves you back. Your idea of love is unhealthy and damaging and one day you will see that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 i see what you are saying wwiu. thanks for caring. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 You're welcome. And I do hope you're able to see things in a more positive light, meaning, that hopefully soon you'll close your heart off to him - Get some therapy in to help you cope. It's all out of your hands now, and you need to put yourself first and heal. Forget him, forget his wife and their marriage. Your life is more important! Remember that!! TMW: I way find your advice to me so "tongue in cheek" because of my current circumstances... And that this forum has really turned from it's intended purpose, that I feel unsafe to even post about it...that instead of a place of support and exchange of ideals, it has become a place of judgment (I am saying this generally, not meaning everyone or anyone in particular)... GEL, Thumbs is probably one of the most open minded, and tolerant poster around these days...Don't take what he says wrong or make it bad about you. He is harsh, in a respectable way. Yes, he sees things from a betrayed spouse angle, but he also isn't judgemental or cruel in his words. At all. Link to post Share on other sites
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