GreenEyedLady Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 GEL, Thumbs is probably one of the most open minded, and tolerant poster around these days...Don't take what he says wrong or make it bad about you. He is harsh, in a respectable way. Yes, he sees things from a betrayed spouse angle, but he also isn't judgemental or cruel in his words. At all. I didn't say the he was judgemental to me at all, just that his advice doesn't apply to me anymore... And the rest was directed at the people who are here not to help at all, but to hurt...and we all know who those people are...and they're not the ones that we all know... Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 TMW: I way find your advice to me so "tongue in cheek" because of my current circumstances... And that this forum has really turned from it's intended purpose, that I feel unsafe to even post about it...that instead of a place of support and exchange of ideals, it has become a place of judgment (I am saying this generally, not meaning everyone or anyone in particular)... But I will say, when people are ready to do what must be done, they do it... Tongue-in-cheek is a term that refers to a style of humour in which things are said only half seriously, or in a subtly mocking way. Fair enough....I cant help how people take my advice or comments. Never thought people would take it half seriously or in a mocking way. I admit, I can be staunch in my beliefs and the way I type them out. But I stand by my earlier statement that those in an affair are in "FOG" land and that is why you take my advise or comments Tongue in Cheek. But the fact that I am a BS. And I went through (still in) years of recovery, the pain and emotions I had (still have) and the brutal betrayal of the one I cared for the most. I just want to give MY side of the affects of affairs in my particular situation. I just cant sit by and watch....my heart goes out to all the BS's who dont even know they are a BS....because the emotional pain they will inevitibly experince will ALMOST be unbearable....but SOME endure, like me. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 TMW: I guess you didn't see my above reply...maybe tongue in cheek was not the correct term...It seemed better than "not funny haha, but funny weird"... Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 just that his advice doesn't apply to me anymore... anymore...or not yet? I understand where your at currently...you may not think so...but I do. just as you said before....people will do what they have to do when the time is right for them. Fair, and I agree. BUT...heheheh BUT....once you reach that point...you will understand my POV because there will be no more "FOG" land....you will see clearly....but in your own time.... there I go foreboding again.... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 anymore...or not yet? I understand where your at currently...you may not think so...but I do./quote] Anymore...and if you read a little more into my previous comments, you will understand where I am, but why I haven't shared it... Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 TMW: I guess you didn't see my above reply...maybe tongue in cheek was not the correct term...It seemed better than "not funny haha, but funny weird"... so you think I'm funny....like a clown...hahahaha maybe I am just to traditional and have too many convictions towards doing the right thing. seems like i am a minority in this forum for thinking that way...oH well.... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 so you think I'm funny....like a clown...hahahaha maybe I am just to traditional and have too many convictions towards doing the right thing. seems like i am a minority in this forum for thinking that way...oH well.... No, you misunderstand...I don't think YOU are funny weird...I meant your advice to ME was funny weird because of my current circumstance... Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 No, you misunderstand...I don't think YOU are funny weird...I meant your advice to ME was funny weird because of my current circumstance... no...I understand OK sorry SBT....I hijacked your thread all day...it wasnt fair to you, this should be your place to type about your current situ sorry.....I will go now....BUT...please listen to that place in your heart....the one hiding behind the "LOVE" area, (love just gets in the way of rational thinking, esp for females...sorry but its true)........go behind that place to the place that speaks truth...listen to it and you will never do wrong.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 tmw, yes love does get in the way of rational thinking, i totally agree. i think this applies in all relationships. love is a powerful emotion. i am sorry for the pain you have suffered. we all have our crosses to bear i guess. sometimes they are just placed on our backs by the ones we love. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 we all have our crosses to bear i guess. sometimes they are just placed on our backs by the ones we love. No one can place a cross on your back unless you allow it. Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 No one can place a cross on your back unless you allow it. So very agreed! 1.) one is not a victim when one allows themselves to be so 2.) one can not be claim to be a victim when one further victimizes another 3.) one cannot complain via when one so chooses to manipulate 4.) re-read # 3 I feel very sad about this but the fact is that less than honest manipulation has been the scheme so if said did not turn out to one's favor ...one may have learned exactly what one invited Mainly being that MM would protect his wife, did, done. The first and base lie was believing for oneself that he would not and manipulating for ones self such "proof". Now one has the answer...all the proof needed. And I do hate that things turned this way--or what it took to bring the truth to light; but the truth is better than to deny (at least that's what I've heard). Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 pom, i am not sure exactly what you are trying to say. you seem to contradict yourself. i did tell his wife anonymously, yet i couldnt tell her to her face with MM there. i thought she had a right to know, and no i did not get anything out of this but more pain. i caused everyone pain. i dont see that MM protected his W, more like he protected his own ass. he was rude to her in front of me. i felt bad for her, humiliated for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 things are still not going well, i still love him so much. i miss him terribly. it is going to take a lot of strength to do this right. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 he was rude to her in front of me. i felt bad for her, humiliated for her. See … this is the irony in it for me. While you feel bad and humiliated for the wife who is being tag-teamed by two individuals deliberately playing her for a fool … I feel bad and humiliated for you as well because you can't see that you're in the exact same situation. After all, he deliberately devalued his relationship with you (right in front of her) the same way he deliberately devalues his relationship with her to you (behind her back). When push comes to shove, when he was placed in the position to choose whose feelings were worth being spared … he chose his wife. And had the audacity to discount you right in front of her! Now, I know you and I are two very different people. But I gotta tell ya, if a man made me feel THAT worthless in front of another woman (to the point where he was denying any feelings that he had for me in order to validate the feelings he had for her) … not only would I feel insulted and humiliated … but I'd be down right p*ssed. So why is that part of you missing … you know, that "emotion" and/or cognitive response that says: "HEY! … I don't deserve to be treated like that any more than she does!" (???) Why the hell aren't you mad?? I just don't get it. I really don't…. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 things are still not going well, i still love him so much. i miss him terribly. it is going to take a lot of strength to do this right. Do WHAT right? What did you hope to accomplish? Did you think MM's wife was going to throw him out and into your waiting arms? Did you think MM didn't WANT to be married? If he didn't want to be married he would've left before you busted him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 enigma, you are right i should be angry. i can tell you that i was very hurt. i guess i want him so much that i am willing to take the abuse? women that have been abused (which i have a history of) seem to take the abuse and forgive the abuser because he apologizes and says that he really does love her. now i have finally gotten away from the physical abuse, but i guess i didnt realize how destructive emotional abuse is as well. i am working on getting away from all of this. it is just going to take time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 Do WHAT right? What did you hope to accomplish? Did you think MM's wife was going to throw him out and into your waiting arms? Did you think MM didn't WANT to be married? If he didn't want to be married he would've left before you busted him. io, i am trying to separate myself from MM. it is just hard to do. no i did not think she would willingly give him up to me. i really thought she had the right to know though. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Yes, but you did it for you. Not for her. I said this before, but while happier and in the midst of your affair, the thoughts of telling her were far from your mind...It wasn't until things started changing for the worse during your affair that you chose to tell her. I do get the reasonings that you've said, but now by telling her, you gotta be the one to end it completely. And walk away. Let him work on his marriage. I agree with the others, where is your anger? You hung him out to dry so to speak, and then infront of his wife, he sat there pretending. He DID make a fool of his wife, he made of fool of you too, and together, you both made a fool of his wife. I mean, you are the OW. Anyway, get some therapy to help you cope with this, gain the strength you need to get him out of your blood. Get support too from family and friends that you're close to and trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 wwiu, i am in therapy. i am working on this. it just doesnt happen overnight. i did make a step forward by telling her, ok, maybe i took three steps back by denying it to her face, but i am trying. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Yup you are. I guess I just dont' wanna see you jump to him if he decides in afew weeks to call you and try to start up something with you again. That's all. Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 thank you wwiu, i want to be strong!!! i appreciate your help. Link to post Share on other sites
minucha Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 i agree with every word and advice posted here. the moment you decided to meet with the wife face to face, you should have said the truth..other wise, you should have declined the meeting and let them solve there own issues and reasons for the infidility... good luck and my heart goes for you and wish you the true love you deserve.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 minucha, i wish it had been that easy. MM is not yet ready to be found out by his wife it would seem. he is going to lie until she has irrefutable proof against him. yes, i could give that to her, but i am not yet ready to betray him outright either. i am having a very hard time with this. i still love him. thank you for your kind words. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Let me get this straight, YOU are the informant here and everyone is vilifying the MM for putting YOU in a bad situation? Am I the only one here who sees who is responsible for this mess? SBT YOU informed the wife, you brought this d-day on, no one else. Now, you can claim the reason you did was that you felt the wife deserved to know, but we all know if that were the case, you wouldn't have lied during the face-to-face confrontation, you would've apologized and told her that you felt she deserved to know. The reason you lied is because you don't want MM to be mad at you for busting him. The reason you told the wife in the first place is to force a showdown with the wife and MM, and you were hoping that he would choose you. You know I'm not wrong. You know what you did and I think it's about time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and owned up to it. The question is, what are you going to do now? IF MM can patch things up with the wife and pull the wool over her eyes again, do you want to continue seeing him? Don't you want to get away from him and this mess? I thought you wanted the wife to know the truth and stop the affair? If that truly is what you wanted you should be relieved that it's over and never contact MM or respond to him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 i still love him. . WHY?????? It's obvious that he doesn't want his marriage to end, it's obvious that the person he's most concerned about is HIM. Didn't you say you've only been together a few months? Consider this your lucky break and leave now, it will only get harder. This guy will use you and lie to his wife for as long as you let him, and that could be a VERY long time. Why settle for that? Don't you deserve better? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts