whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I think her heart still loves him, but it will take time to heal and get over him. Only thing I'd like to see is her anger kick in so she can properly go through the stages of getting over someone. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Let's not forget that we and she is only human, and emotions are part of out make up, so I agree with WWIU she is going to need sometime to heal Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 WHY?????? It's obvious that he doesn't want his marriage to end, it's obvious that the person he's most concerned about is HIM. Didn't you say you've only been together a few months? Since when has love had anything to do with logic..? sbt has already said she has a history of abusive relationships. These things take time to work through... she's in counselling. She's trying. She's open to input and not defensive. She may be making a huge number of mistakes, but that's how we learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 io, yes i obviously chickened out, so to speak, when confronted my MM and his W, even though i am the one who informed her in the first place. i did want her to know, but no i did not want MM to know that i was the one that told her. i just couldnt let him know that i would hurt him like that. i have said that i never expected his W to hand him over. but if she knew what was going on, at least she would have a choice in how things went from here. i really did just want to give her a chance to make her own decision without totally implicating myself in front of MM. of course i wish i could have him, even after all of this, i still would want him. i do not deny my part in any of this. if they decide to work on their marriage i would stay out of their way. i would not chase after him. i want him to be happy. thank you frannie, pricilla, and wwiu. i appreciate your understanding. i am trying to get help and solve this. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 i i want him to be happy. I'm afraid I can't quite understand how wanting someone to be happy equates with ratting them out? That doesn't sound like an act of love but of desperation. I'm not buying your reasons for telling the wife, they weren't so altruistic as you would want everyone to believe. You don't care about his wife, if you did, you wouldn't sleep with him or intrude on their marriage. Admitting the truth would go a long way towards solving the problem. How long have you been involved with this guy? A few months? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 io, i do want him to be happy. i do not see how he and his W can be happy if he is willing to cheat on her. there must be something there to work out. if she knows the truth and is willing to work to make the marriage better, that could be a good thing right? i do know that i should not be sleeping with someone else's husband. we have been together for almost 7 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 io, i do want him to be happy. i do not see how he and his W can be happy if he is willing to cheat on her. there must be something there to work out. . It may have NOTHING to do with his wife and everything to do with him. Maybe all that needs to be worked out is inside of him, regardless, his marriage is none of your business. You need to stay out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 regardless who has the problem, they have to both be willing to work on it. that would not have happened if she had not found out. i really am trying to get out of this, at least i feel like i am making steps in that direction. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Question is, if he ends up calling you and wants to still continue the affair, what are you going to do SBT? I do agree with IO, his reasons for cheating are HIS choice, and his problem. Whatever needs of his that weren't being met at home, should have been communicated instead of him choosing to go outside thet marriage. It may or may not be the state of their marriage. Many people cheat even if the marriage is good. The other thing is, she isn't a stupid woman. I'm sure she picked up on vibes and nervousness between you two. He actually may confess to her that it was you....Especially if they go to marriage counselling, things will come out once they start talking. Just be prepared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 he does want to continue. he has told me that he doesnt want to be without me. i dont want to be without him either, but i have told him that he should work on things with his wife. he doesnt seem to want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 SBT, of course he doesn't want to stop seeing you, he's a cakeman, he wants his wife and he wants you too, but his wife doesn't have the truth does she? It seems you've both managed to convince her that there is nothing going on and that she's just suspicious for nothing. You have the truth and you seem willing to share him, so why shouldn't he have you both? Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 r i really am trying to get out of this, at least i feel like i am making steps in that direction. Good! I just read this. I hope you've simply told him that you want no part of his deception, and that he can call you if and when he's no longer married. He should understand that perfectly well. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 he does want to continue. he has told me that he doesnt want to be without me. i dont want to be without him either, but i have told him that he should work on things with his wife. he doesnt seem to want to. Well, the ball is in your court now. IO is right, he can date you when he ends his marriage, and not a minute before then. Whatever you do, don't fall back into the affair because he says he wants you, misses you and loves you. If he really did want you enough, he'd tell his wife the truth and leave her. But, to be honest, I can't see that happening. He likes having two women in his life, he's gotten used to that and there's another reason why he doesn't want it to end. Be strong and get into NC with him. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 SBT I have been following this thread since it started and hadn't posted. This story is really sad. And this is not to bash you and its not tough love either. It is what I feel. MY opinion. I called the OW in my case and she told me that she didn't want to answer any questions in the case that her version conflicted with his. Stupid? Yes? Right. But if she had done what you did....I would have drove to her home (yes I do know where she lives), pulled her outside, and beat the living crap out of her once I knew the truth. I make no apologies for being willing to dish out a beat down. None. I am not interested in saying anything negative of the MM or his W, as they are not here. You are. You are digging yourself into a hole, but you don't know it. Problem with digging holes is that you eventually fall in. Stop making excuses for telling lies. Stop rationalizing and justifying what you did. Sure you were scared and intimidated, but that doesn't make the outcome acceptable. Stop hiding behind love as a justification for anything. Tina Turner said it best, "what's love got to do with it". And to that I say, "not a dam* thing". You didn't do anything for him or his W, you did it for YOU. Stop lying to yourself that you just want him to be happy. You don't, you just think that YOU will be happier with him. This isn't about him at all. Its ALL ABOUT YOU. Its all about you and what YOU want. You want him, come h*ll or high water. You want his W out of the picture. Admit it. Admit that you chickened out because you realized a small bit of the truth: he ain't leaving. Admit to yourself that you want more from a relationship, not so much from him, but from a relationship. Admit that you called his W anonymously out of anger, anxiety, and fear; not love as you keep saying. This ain't about love. You are angry and afraid, but of what? That's the question. BTW, I don't want you to answer those things here unless you want to. Do not respond to this post out of a knee jerk reaction to defend yourself. Read it over and over and over until you (and anyone else needing to really look within) hear the true you in all of this. You can't fix what's wrong if you don't know what it is. This is how you find it. True happiness is found within, not in someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 That is a good post NID. It definately gives SBT alot to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Hey NID. I haven't had the chance to read this whole thread, so forgive me if this has been said. I think the reason that she didn't tell the truth in front of the wife is to prove her loyalty to the MM. If she had spilled, chances are he would have thrown her under the bus, but by lying, he sees that she is willing to protect him and in her mind (and maybe his) they can continue to be the lying team that they are. The wife is a pawn for this OW to stir it up a bit. Just plain sick in my opinion! Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 i have said that i never expected his W to hand him over. but if she knew what was going on, at least she would have a choice in how things went from here. i really did just want to give her a chance to make her own decision without totally implicating myself in front of MM. This is funny. I've been told on several threads on here, and one on Sep & Divorce, to "just tell his W: that way at least she'll know what's going on and have a choice in how things go from here". You do it, sbt, and look what you get... a whole lot of abuse about how you did the wrong thing Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Stop making excuses for telling lies. Stop rationalizing and justifying what you did. Sure you were scared and intimidated' date=' but that doesn't make the outcome acceptable. Stop hiding behind love as a justification for anything.[/quote'] How about stopping beating up on someone who has admitted over an over on this thread that she made a mistake..? And talking about justifiable violence towards an OW is hardly going to make anyone consider 'doing the right thing'. sbt does need to do the right thing: the right thing for HER. She's made a habit of giving in to people in the past (from what she says), and she's all beaten down by this. And in your own words she was scared and intimidated. I'd like to know how many of you/us would have told the truth to his W with him standing there. WHO exactly was going to be on her side in that room..? Do you think his W would have cheerfully accepted the 'truth' and thanked sbt..? You have a very odd vision of reality if you envisage such a scene. The man is an ape, and completely dispicable, from his own actions. He's got sbt on a piece of string and no doubt has his W exactly where he wants her too, if what we've heard just on this thread about his behaviour is correct. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 She told the wife, but didn't tell the wife that she was the OW. I personally don't agree that the OW, especially when the affair is starting to end or not go well, has the right to all of a sudden spill the beans to the wife - I mean, those thoughts weren't even entertained while the affair was good and going strong...But, as soon as things aren't as good - There's a 180? Yes, I know that she more or less told to get herself out of the situation, away from the MM, so I'm hoping that she follows through on that and stays away, even if the MM wants to continue the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 wwiu, the affair was not ending. what caused me to finally tell the W was that MM had started talking about how he wanted this affair to go on indefinitely and i knew i just could not handle that, no matter how much i loved him. i couldnt be stuck in this predicament forever. that is why i thought the W should know and make her own decision. it had nothing to do with the affair ending. everything was fine between me and MM, very good in fact. i just couldnt handle the idea that this may never be resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 wwiu, the affair was not ending. what caused me to finally tell the W was that MM had started talking about how he wanted this affair to go on indefinitely and i knew i just could not handle that, no matter how much i loved him. i couldnt be stuck in this predicament forever. that is why i thought the W should know and make her own decision. it had nothing to do with the affair ending. everything was fine between me and MM, very good in fact. i just couldnt handle the idea that this may never be resolved. I know how you feel, sbt. I've felt the same way in moments over the past few months. He's even told me that if his W found out he'd almost certainly leave (well, she'd be kicking him out!), but still, I don't think telling is the right thing to do (for ME personally). Even so, the temptation to force his hand one way or another is definitely there. Just to have it over with, one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 This is funny. I've been told on several threads on here, and one on Sep & Divorce, to "just tell his W: that way at least she'll know what's going on and have a choice in how things go from here". You do it, sbt, and look what you get... a whole lot of abuse about how you did the wrong thing Wrong, frannie. Sorry, but no, that's not what people are upset about. Although I appreciate that you want to defend sbt when she's down - and I totally agree that there's no need to kick someone who's obviously in a lot of pain - let's not miscast this. It's the lying - going to that table and lying to his wife's face - that is causing more reaction, and rightfully so. That is not something to be proud of, and I hope it will be a wakeup call. I doubt sbt wants to be the kind of person who would do that, even if her MM hopes she remains that person because it suits his own selfish needs. The man is an ape, and completely dispicable, from his own actions. He's got sbt on a piece of string and no doubt has his W exactly where he wants her too, if what we've heard just on this thread about his behaviour is correct. This, however, I completely agree with. I’ts the classic Svengali situation – he’s even got her believing she’s in love with him. But I don't think that's the right word for it. It seems far more likely that if sbt focused on the man, the person she’s actually involved with, rather than on how much she desperately wants and needs this man’s “approval,” she’d run far and fast. I don’t call what I have seen here love. I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I know what it feels like to desperately want someone’s approval – the more so when it’s so elusive. And as convincing as it is in the moment - because you don't want to believe you've invested so much of yourself in something or someone who doesn't deserve it - when you're finally away from it, it looks completely different. This man doesn't really love you - no one in love would treat another person that way. He just wouldn't. I'm so sorry, but you need to face this fact. Yes, sbt, I know he says he doesn’t want to be without you, but he says a lot of things and then he acts in a way that belies them. I’m sorry, but despite what you just said, your affair was NOT going well – witness how unhappy you were in it, to the point where you tried a desperate tactic that ultimately backfired and only hurt you more. The state of the affair may have been what he wanted, but it assuredly was not what YOU wanted. So it was not going well at all. You do NOT want to stay in this triangle, that much is clear. He does, however, and that is also clear. You were hoping that, if you pushed, his wife would solve your quandary for you. But she can’t, and neither will he. Only you can – you must make the choice. I know it’s painful, honey, but no one else can do it for you. You have to find the strength. He’s playing carrot and stick with you, and you need him to "love" you so much that you’ll do anything not to lose it. But that’s not love on your part either, sweetheart. That's codependency, and you need to figure out how to love yourself so you can free yourself from this sort of situation. I know you’ve got a history of abusive relationships, and it may therefore be hard for you to recognize real, generous love when it exists. But what you’ve got here is nothing like it. Please, please, for your own sake, leave this toxicity and move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Frannie She lied to the woman after stirring all this up herself. Now she comes here feeling badly and wanting someone to tell her that its okay. Sorry, but that person can be you as you seem so willing to justify what went down. I am not. What she did was wrong (the lying to the W w/ the MM present). I am not trying to attack SBT or her motives. She just needs to think about them seriously and honestly. I mean that. The argument that you are making is like a bunch of crabs in a bucket. The minute one starts to make it out, the others pull it back in. SBT is in a reachable place. Please let us reach her. We aren't in arrears over the phone call, its over the lying. So the da*mned-if-you-do-da*mned-if-you-don't reasoning just doesn't fit. Sorry. I am just asking SBT to be honest with herself. I don't even want her to write her thoughts here. This is personal for her. She is in therapy. Why pay for therapy if she is not willing to do the work. The work of therapy doesn't end once the hour is up. Otherwise she is just wasting her money. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 SBT, Your motivations, the real ones, behind making the anonymous phone call are what's really important. The fact that you lied to her face with him present, only serve to make the ultimate consequence worse (the losing of yourself). You have stated that he wants the A to go on indefinitely, but you don't. He's telling you that he wants this for him, he hasn't considered what it is doing to you at all. When someone tells you who they are, you should believe them. The phone call achieves his goals, only better. See, now, if he does leave and get with you, she will know that you lied to her and will tell anyone that is willing to listen. He now knows that you HAVE to stay FAR BACK in the background since YOU lied to his W. He will more than likely say that all he did was agree with you, while you lied. Was this your goal? It doesn't seem so, but its what you will now get. He will use your lies to justify only doing things on HIS schedule to HIS benefit. Please see that you are worth far more than that, even if you don't feel like it right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 This is funny. I've been told on several threads on here, and one on Sep & Divorce, to "just tell his W: that way at least she'll know what's going on and have a choice in how things go from here". You do it, sbt, and look what you get... a whole lot of abuse about how you did the wrong thing Hold on, first of all, she's not getting any abuse, secondly, sure, if you're going to tell the wife, then tell her and don't backpedal when the sh*t hits the fan. We ALL know why sbt told, and it has nothing to do with concern for MM's wife. I know why you wouldn't tell either frannie, it's because you're afraid of what MM will do (or rather WON'T do) when his wife finds out about you. Affairs typically only survive in secret, once the secret is out, the affair is over. If you're not comfortable being someone's dirty little secret then tell and let the chips fall where they may, the bottomline is, it's the OP who is usually left in the lurch. Sbt now has to decide if she's willing to be kept a secret and to always remain second (or third) priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts