Author sadbuttrue Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 thank you pom, i am disappointed in myself. i know i can overcome this and go on with my life, i just wish it was a quicker process. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 Hey SBT I have to say that you should be disappointed in yourself. I don't say that to make you feel bad or worse, but because it pushes you forward and makes you think about your own actions. I disagree that all the anger should be directed at him. He had his part and you had yours. Putting all of it on him, portrays you as a victim and you aren't. Everything in life is a process. Nothing happens overnight. Not even falling for a MM. Its a process. So, do what you can while in this process to get this man and his deceit out of your heart. And, use your anger and disappointment in yourself to be better next time. We all get second chances, this is yours to do better by yourself if no one else. Link to post Share on other sites
MotherGooze Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 just wanted to give a somewhat disappointing update. i am still not totally away from MM. i have tried not to see him as much. i guess his W believed us and has decided he must not have done anything wrong. my love for him has not diminished in any way. i do find myself becoming angrier about the whole situation though. i think maybe i need the anger to finally be able to end it. i hate that i am not good enough for him to want to be with just me. no matter what he says, i know i am not important enough to him, or he would be with me. i am trying to keep this in mind. He's not good enough for you! You really seem like a good person but this A has done nothing but bad things for you. Where has you self esteem and security gone to? You gotta leave him for your own good. This relationship is self destructing for you. Nobody is dissapointed here, it's really hard to quit a relationship with someone you love, even though that person is a jerk. (sorry, I think he is) I know it's really painful as well, but it'll get better. Even if his relationship with his W would end, do you really wanna be with a cheater and a liar? Do you think you could have a relationship based on trust? Think about why he likes you, and why he is together with you. Think about how his wife is feeling. Try and get some courage and make the right decisions. Fact is, noone is important to him but himself, he's a selfish person, he doesn't care about his W or you. He's a coward, a liar and a cheater. Think about that when you're with him. Try and think about it as much as you can, just so you can change your perspective on him. I'm sure that can help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 mg, he is a selfish person. he has admitted this. when i said that i am not good enough for him, i meant that if he truly cared about me and loved me that he would be with me. i do feel that i must not be enough for him for some reason. i am trying to see him as he really is. he has never denied that he continues to be with his W, and this is what is really bothering me now. i dont know how i can accept this any longer. he is using me, and i have allowed it for too long. Link to post Share on other sites
CocoRuby Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 Its a wonder why we allow ourselves to be in these types of situation. I too have been the OW for almost two years. We have gone on many trips together, many nights out in town (Boston) in public settings and all. However recently he has gotten upset over the idea that i am going to travel out of state to see another "friend" and mentioned he maybe needs to end things now, since he doesn't want me intimate with any other man. My response was that I would never comment or tell him how to be or not be with his wife. By the way..his marriage was totally uninterrupted by me. I would never call or step any boundaries. He comes to me, I don't go to him. So besides that, today we decided to part, and I feel like my stomache is turning and empty. And for what?! he was already not totally avaiable to me, and had to be a secrete from my family/friends. So it's not a loss to people around me since they know nothing about it. Parting- Its the correct thing to do, but it feels sooo crappy!!! I will miss him. And you thought you had problems! Link to post Share on other sites
MotherGooze Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 Yes you have. I understand i's hard with the feelings you have for him. You feel powerless and hope to be able to change the situation, but you can't. He'll always be selfish. I think he can't care for anyone but himself. So don't hope that he will care for you. Run like hell! Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 well, i have been with my MM for several months now, and his W recently found out about our R this week. she wanted to talk to me, so he arranged a meeting. yes, i had to sit there with both of them and answer her questions!!!! and of course i lied for him. i wish i could have had the strength to tell her the truth, but i just couldnt hurt him like that. i still love him. he thinks we can see each other when things calm down a bit. right now he is under surveilance i am sure. i know i should use this opportunity to move on with my life, but i just dont want to be without him. his wife found out....he has no intentions of leaving her...but wants you on the side for a little fun? Gee..what a great catch this ahole must be. And you love him??? I guess to have women fall for you, all a guy has to do is be a player. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinxx Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 just wanted to give a somewhat disappointing update. i am still not totally away from MM. i have tried not to see him as much. i guess his W believed us and has decided he must not have done anything wrong. my love for him has not diminished in any way. i do find myself becoming angrier about the whole situation though. i think maybe i need the anger to finally be able to end it. i hate that i am not good enough for him to want to be with just me. no matter what he says, i know i am not important enough to him, or he would be with me. i am trying to keep this in mind. SBT -- I am really sorry you are going through this. You already know the reality of your situation in that if MM wanted to be with you bad enough then he'd make you a priority and leave. The angry part is a good thing for you. You need some diversions to break yourself away from this MM. You are not alone in this. Keep working through this tough time and eventually you will find the strength to break away. Link to post Share on other sites
Greggie Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 You have to be concerned with your own self first. Ask yourself some hard questions and read more if not already seeing a counsellor. Why you allow yourself in this situation is a sign of weak moral foundation. Think about what this does to him (a liar, cheater and immoral husband); his wife and everybody else, if you cannot think that this is wrong for you too. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 BS the only victim is the wife. If you want to play around with a MM don't come crying when your wittle feelings get hurt. You made your bed.... The OW is NOT a victim,not in the slightest,and to say other wise is just trying to make yourself feel better. YOU choose to go with a MM,YOU choose to play a part in messing up someone elses life how can you say you are a victim???? A victim is someone who doesn't CHOSE something. People have warped ideas about what is love. What you are feeling is not love. You are addicted to the drama,you may feel hurt at times and wish he was with you but deep down you probably associate hurt with love. Love is beautiful,love is giving somebody all of you,love is loving someone who loves you back. Your idea of love is unhealthy and damaging and one day you will see that. I mean an MM can say "Im the real victim! I'm in a terrible marriage and just trying to find happiness blah blah blah.." Just like an OW can. I agree, the Ow is not a victim here, she's a co-conspirator. Unless, she doesn't know he's married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted March 17, 2007 Author Share Posted March 17, 2007 i know what you all say is true. i am in this terrrible predicament because i let it get to this point. i do see how badly i am being treated by this MM (not physically, but emotionally) but sadly, he has treated me better than any other man i have known. i guess i am afraid that when i give him up, there will be such a void in my life, my heart. and greggie i am seeing a therapist. i want to do better, i just hope i have the strength to do it. thank you all for your input, even you sc Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 SBT, I get where you are coming from. The pain of not wanting to be with out him far more exceeds the desire to move on and and your willingness to heal from the pain of all of this. Letting go hurts! But look at what he did to you! He put you in a spot to cover for him so he did not have to take accountability towards either one of you. Yes I think the W deserves an explanation, so do you, but neither of you got one that was the truth. That is unfair! That shows his cowardly nature. Not a quality that I find enduring even in a single man! Believe you me, this will happen again and again, but only if you let it. Just think when it does, you have the upper hand in this, make him sweat! You deserve more, so does his W. Hang in there. Best This is a note I just wrote a friend who has been supporting me through letting go of a bad relationship. I just wrote it while crying painfully and this should give you an idea of what was causing my pain that I feel (the anger, the longing, the desire, the love, the passion, the ignorance, the guilt, the lack of self esteem). He is telling everyone that I was the instigator, the culprit and a seducer and he was weak and not responsible for any of it. He is a serial cheater yet blames me for the divorce. Yes the pain coming out is BAD! It's the worst feeling, but what I realize is that the pain is no different than the pain I felt when he came around. Before I lived in fear that he would one day leave and today I live in knowing that he is gone. Pain is pain but you are just in pain for something that at least is FINAL and I have hope, EXTREME HOPE, that I will be healed from this destruction and can one day not feel one way or the other about him. I am also starting counseling and will even take antidepressants to cope through the next 6 months. We broke up on December 8 and so it has been a few months but because I am deeply ANGERED by this man, this situation, and myself, I do not act this anger out but instead it's staying bottled up inside of me and comes out in tears at any given moment. SO HERE IS MY LETTER TO MY FRIEND ABOUT MY FEELINGS THings are better in that I am not in the initial pain but I feel completely traumatized by the entire event. I know that I am suffering from depression and my self-esteem is shot. It's not that I am not trying to do soemthign about it everyday, but all of these feelings are stuck. I think it's the result of the entire ordeal. It's the feeling of never being satisfied and always having those feelings exposed without getting treated properly. It's teh feeling of getting so PISSED at times that I cursed at him and was so mad and he would put a "little" effort forward and sound so sweet and convincing that I beleived that it was genuine when it wasn't. It is the feeling of competing with a woman that he said was always a bitch and I could not understand why he would stay if he was treated so badly. Its' the feeling of believing everything that he said and still not knowing what was the truth, what wasn't and wondering if he is still lying. It's knowing that he is blaming me and now calling me a stalker because of the last three weeks, yet he was coming to my house! It's the feeling that he is going to church as a couple and I know trying to work on his marriage and using me as their mutual enemy for why it should work. It's the feeling of being used. It's knowing that deep down inside he hates me and probably hated me or never loved me considering that he never gave me much except a meal, phone calls, emails, and sex. It's knowing that I caused incredible damage to my daughter. And I caused incredible damage to myself. It's not trusting anyone right now. It's the feeling of standing in my shower in my bathroom and that is the most frightening place to be. It's crying at any given moment. It's not thinking clearly. It's trying desperately to cover up the pain. It's feeling like I have the midas touch but it spoils everything. It's knowing that I grew up fatherless, had an alcoholic mother who died when she was 56, a brother who is in jail, a sister that we do not talk to each other much, a bunch of uncles who are married and focused on their wives, their wives do not bother to call either, a grandmother who isn't grandmotherly, my daughter's father who is non-existent (and I don't know what to do about it), friends who I don't know if they are friends, a business that is not growing the way it should, and it's even how I see things. It's a man who was beautiful (truly) on the inside and outside, who was romantic, and nice and would have kept seeing me until she found out. It was a man who I fell so deeply in love with because I moved here and was lonely and was also lonely from my family makeup and here was this handsome, wealthy man who was a great father, a religious spokesperson, living in a big house that was completely paid for. And I wanted that or even 1/4 of that feeling because I felt so good and when he kept coming back in November, I didn't want to really lose that one person. And it's knowing that I destroyed the life of a good man and set my life up for some serious failure. It's feeling hugely responsible for everything because he hates me, blames me for everything, and he is with her! The rejection is numbing and if I were any older, I would have died a long time ago from a broken heart. could things be this bad really? Link to post Share on other sites
casoria99 Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 i know what you all say is true. i am in this terrrible predicament because i let it get to this point. i do see how badly i am being treated by this MM (not physically, but emotionally) but sadly, he has treated me better than any other man i have known. i guess i am afraid that when i give him up, there will be such a void in my life, my heart. and greggie i am seeing a therapist. i want to do better, i just hope i have the strength to do it. thank you all for your input, even you sc Hello. I know what you mean when you say that he has treated you better than anyone else has treated you but it's also the worst. I went through the same thing. But trust me on this....a man like yours (and mine) are good men. They are very nice and we long for them. But when the W finally has it up to HERE, regardless as to whether he feels for her or doesn't feel for her, he will drop you like a hot potato and the shock for you is just as bad as for the BS. I know that people will not believe this. But your pain of being left and alone is worse because he's still there with her, trying to make it work, and making sure the doors are locked at night before retiring to bed with her. ANd you are stuck with the residue of confusion and feeling used and rejected. My relationship is over since December and I am dealing with staying in it UNTIL she found out and he dropped me and then ran over me with his SUV. That makes it worse. Just leave. Try to and know that you are really not doing anything to stop him from doing anything with her as she gets most of his time and energy and in the end he will tell her that he loves her more than anyone else. Then he'll blame you because you were the one that sat there and LIED. And it will be better for both of them to DUMP ALL OF THEIR SINS, ILLS, TRANSGRESSIONS, & PAIN onto you...and this so-called wonderful man that YOU LOVE, won't care a thing about you and it will be HIM who hangs you on a tree and watches you die. Get angry and use that anger to leave him. And yes you will not always feel strong but try to move on before she wants you move and he does the moving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted March 17, 2007 Author Share Posted March 17, 2007 casoria, i know what you mean about me leaving before i am dumped because he will choose his W in the end and i know that. dont feel bad about staying until the end, most would have done the same. Link to post Share on other sites
casoria99 Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 (quote) My relationship is over since December and I am dealing with staying in it UNTIL she found out and he dropped me and then ran over me with his SUV. (/quote) This, by the way, is figuratively! He didn't really run me over with an SUV. I was trying to use the analogy of feeling like road kill that was hit but then they stopped backed up and ran over me a few times, rolled down the window and laughed, and then squealed the tires to take off using my gnarled body as the ground. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted March 17, 2007 Author Share Posted March 17, 2007 casoria, i felt somewhat like roadkill myself as i was made to shake hands with his W as he introduced us before our meeting that day. i felt totally stomped on by him. i felt so used and abused as i sat there trying my best to help him, the man i love, keep his W from leaving him. i kept my emotions in check in front of her to protect him, although it killed me inside. i sat there while they discussed personal aspects of their marriage, next to the woman who he had promised to love, honor, and obey forever. i sat there, hating myself. why couldnt i hate him instead? Link to post Share on other sites
BeenAround_N_Back Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 SBT, what your MM did to you is completely unrespectful. You know you deserve better... you mentioned that he has treated you better than other men have treated you in the past... but when he asks you to lie for him and the way he made you feel when you were in front of the W... I find it hard to believe that he treated you with dignity and respect. Who does he think you are?? He is going to use you and get you to lie.. wow... he is THE CAKE man!!! THere is no reason for him to end his relationshop with you if you are going to continue to lie for him. I believe in time you are going to want to get off this rollercoaster you are on when you are strong enough. Good luck. When emotions are involved, most of the time, logic goes out the window. I figure if the W finds out, she probably won't leave either. She has too much at stake and her emotions are invovled too.... you are stuck in a hard place. I hope you find someone who loves you and will not ask you to lie for them among other things. You deserve someone who will be whole heartedly devoted to you... Link to post Share on other sites
Greggie Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 What you experienced is nothing compared to what my H did to his ex-girlfriend he had a one night stand with after. He sent me all her e-mails to reply to. One of the e-mail replies I sent her was a story detailing the kiss-and-tell things about their past my H told me about her in the course of our marriage, e.g., how my H found their sex to be borderline perverted, how she had hygiene problems, especially on the intimate parts, how she wanted him to marry her and him not wanting to, etc. Also, he wrote her a 'termination' email a copy of which ws addressed to me. Her reply to this termination e-mail was forwarded to me to reply to as he did not want to have anything to with her anymore. When I complained to my H that I was having ichiness in my private, he and I went to see a doctor and after we told this doctor how my husband had an unprotected sex, we were ordered to undergo a series of sex-disease-related diagnosis. My husband phone her, made me listen to it and asked her if she was 'healthy' when she had sex with him, as he was begiining to get some funny pain in his groin too. Now, if your experience was embarassing, what do you think of this? My advice to women out there thinking of playing around with a married man is that husband and wife have a funny, unpredictable way of dealing with things. Who knew that one day my husband would be frolicking with this woman and the next, he would be humiliating her like this? I'm sure there are even worse cases than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 What you experienced is nothing compared to what my H did to his ex-girlfriend he had a one night stand with after. He sent me all her e-mails to reply to. One of the e-mail replies I sent her was a story detailing the kiss-and-tell things about their past my H told me about her in the course of our marriage, e.g., how my H found their sex to be borderline perverted, how she had hygiene problems, especially on the intimate parts, how she wanted him to marry her and him not wanting to, etc. Also, he wrote her a 'termination' email a copy of which ws addressed to me. Her reply to this termination e-mail was forwarded to me to reply to as he did not want to have anything to with her anymore. When I complained to my H that I was having ichiness in my private, he and I went to see a doctor and after we told this doctor how my husband had an unprotected sex, we were ordered to undergo a series of sex-disease-related diagnosis. My husband phone her, made me listen to it and asked her if she was 'healthy' when she had sex with him, as he was begiining to get some funny pain in his groin too. Now, if your experience was embarassing, what do you think of this? My advice to women out there thinking of playing around with a married man is that husband and wife have a funny, unpredictable way of dealing with things. Who knew that one day my husband would be frolicking with this woman and the next, he would be humiliating her like this? I'm sure there are even worse cases than this. So your H used a woman for his own sexual gratification, then made it into a little game for his wife to humiliate her. This is a good example of how, although it might take two to tango, the wayward husband always manages to come out smelling of roses in comparison to the ow. This makes me think that the cheating husbands behaviour was calculating whereas the ow's was not, and I can perfectly understand why the ow oftentimes feels she wants him to pay as she has. I am not condoning revenge, but, it does make it very understandable. Link to post Share on other sites
Izzar Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 And it sounds like the wife has no clue that her husband was playing a game to humiliate the ow. In by which he was trying to save his butt also. Pathetic all the way around IMO. Oh, & the wife was humiliated also. Thinking that she might have a sexually transmitted infection. Wow. Just Lovely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadbuttrue Posted March 19, 2007 Author Share Posted March 19, 2007 i think greggie is the one that should be humiliated. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused27 Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 that is above and beyond the weirdest story i have ever heard Link to post Share on other sites
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