Was I only nasty or was he, also?

[RecordProducer]

I should have posted this in the family section perhaps, but I refuse to think of my in-laws as of my family.

 

A little background...As some of you know, my BIL (brother-in-law) and SIL (sister-in-law) have been harassing me and abusing me verbally and mentally for a year. For a long time I was using the kill-them-with-kindness method, but then started to tell them off when they would insult me. They always complain about something and in deficit of some real material against me, they find stupid things such as I make tasteless jokes that offend them (e.g. I said that fish smells like a woman) and stupid things that I can't even remember now. In any case, almost every weekend they come up with something against me, even though I barely communicate with them.

 

The BIL has ignored me since day one. He acts like he is intimidated by my existence. I asked him NOT to call at 7,30 AM on the weekends and wake me up, but he still calls every single morning and doesn't care. I had told him that I want my husband in bed with me on Sunday morning, that we're passionate about each other, and maybe want to make love? Hoping that he would be glad that his brother's young wife is passionate about his twin, but no... he was intimidated by me using the word "passionate."

 

These are just very few of the arsenal of examples of their abuse. I can't even post them, cuz they don't make any sense and I would have to tell you in details who said what for you to realize that THEY go into ridiculous details to prove that I am bad and to separate me from my husband.

 

Of course, my husband's attitude that they have a right to express their opinion has encouraged them to interfere and attack me. However since recently I decided to stab them back every time they attack me. It has happened on a few occasions.

 

Interesting thing happened... Recently, BIL came to our house to discuss why I told his 16-y.o. daughter jokingly that I have a spare pregnancy test kit if she needed one (and I laughed). Mind you, they already gave me a hard time about it before and they knew it was a joke. Moreover, it was a joke that I made in a terrible mental state, on the day of my abortion! So he came on January 21, 2007 to discuss the joke I made on August 15, 2006. I mean, puhleeeeezzzz! (By the way he flirted with me back and forth online while hubby and I were dating and were not yet talking about marriage He told me his penis was sensitive and I looked like a sex goddess - I never responded to these REALLY TASTELESS "jokes").

 

I told him that he was trying to blame me for having a daughter who has a drinking problem, smoking problem, drugs problem, lying problem, problem with disrespect for teachers... that I am not responsible for his parental skills of lack thereof... and added that I didn't want to have anything to do with him or his daughter... the conversation ended at that. Hubby also called both him and his daughter ass holes and was very pissed.

 

Later he said that BIL had a right to state his opinion. His opinion is always 100% negative of me, even though I've only been nice to him in the first half a year and have never done anything to provoke them or offend them (I mean, can you make a mistake when you just smile and try to not offend anyone, leave a great impression, and politely talk about nothing with a bunch of people who - you know - hate you?).

 

Here comes the scoop... A month ago my MIL (mother-in-law) made a suggestion that she, SIL, and I could organize a birthday party for her twins (hubby and BIL). MIL and SIL are in very bad terms. I said OK, but knew the idea wouldn't work. A few days later, SIL calls me while I am in FLA on a vacation to ask me if I want to organize a b/day party with HER only. She claims she had no idea about MIL's idea. Yeah, right! - MIL confirmed that she told both sons about her idea so BIL told SIL definitely before she called me. Funny, knowing all this, hubby later stated that she believes SIL that she didn't know, because she said so. So SIL told me on the phone straight away that she doesn't want to invite people she doesn't like to her party, such as MIL (remember, this is supposed to be her husband's b/day party and my husband's, as well! and MIL is their mother, the woman who gave them birth).

 

I tell her nicely that I already accepted MIL's invitation and won't change the concept. So I basically ditched her and since then she can't calm down. Moreover, hubby told her he wouldn't go to the b/day party either if his mother is not invited. BIL and SIL wickedly changed their plan and gave the party another title - now it's not a b/day party anymore, it's just a retirement party (the brothers recently retired). BS! We still didn't go, it was this evening.

 

Anyway, BIL calls me today and asks if we're coming to the party. I say we're not. He asks why and I tell him that hubby is a different person from me so he should discuss it with him, but he asks if I would want to come and I say NO, he asked why, and I said because his mom is not invited and I am a loyal friend.

 

Then he says sarcastically: "OK, so when you make a party, I will ask for a list of guests and see if I approve it."

 

I told him:" I wouldn't die if you wouldn't come to my party."

 

He repeats what I said and says: "I will remember that."

 

I said gently: "Please do."

 

All this happened with a sweet tone of voice on both sides. I was thinking to myself 'Geez, I wouldn't even invite him to my party, let alone persuade him to come; who the hell does he think he is?' I mean, since the day I came, he's been acting like he CAN put me down, but I CAN'T put HIM down. Well, I can and I did and I do and I will.

 

Hubby came home and told me I was nasty to him. Obviously the little, petty creepy-crawly creature called him immediately to tell him how nasty his wife was. My husband thinks that BIL said nothing wrong, but I was nasty. I am really curious to hear what you, guys, think. I am asking about the two sentences in bold letters. Hubby never reads LS posts so this is only for me. I know I was nasty and I WANTED to be. That was my goal - to show him that I won't take his abuse anymore, that he will get it every time he lands in my web.

 

My husband says what I said was irreversible. I think that all they've done to me is irreversible, too. They apparently have this logic that wives come and go (in his case within a year or two; I am wife #3), but family stays. Well, very nice! Husbands also come and go... but I have only one set of nerves for the rest of my life.

 

Then people ask me if I am attracted to my husband's identical twin! Yuck!

[Island Girl]

Geez RecordProducer. I am sorry.

 

What a horrible bunch or crap you endure. I'd be fed up if my husband didn't stand up to me. I would have made it a deal breaker from the beginning.

Either you are with me and we are united together, which includes protecting each other, against the world (including extended family) or we aren't. And if we aren't well then what an I wasting my time for?!!

 

I would have said the same thing you did to the BIL.

 

Also - I'd turn the ringer off on the phone on Saturday nights before bed so th BIL wouldn't be able to wake me up when I had asked him not to. After a few of those Sundays he'd quit trying.

 

I wouldn't have those people over and entertain them - unless my husband would demand that they respect me in my own home.

 

So much of this is his fault - I know you know this but my gosh - do you demand more of him or just let him get away with it? Tough situation I know but GD!!

 

To have to deal with snakes on a regular basis with no support - does this happen in front of your kids?

 

I would refrain from any off color "jokes". It is only giving them ammunition and they really don't need any more.

 

What are you going to do? Have you thought about it? I mean these people are going to be around for the rest of your marriage - how ever long that is and if your husband doesn't pull his head out of his A$$ it doesn't look good.

[Curmudgeon]

Without waxing eloquent about it I'll only say that your husband does not make you a priority in his life as he should. If you're not going to make your spouse #1 to you then why bother marrying them at all?

 

I simply can't understand this mindset. My wife is #1 in my life and second to none, and that includes my children. Them I had. Her I chose!

[johan]

I'm reaching a bit here, but overall I'd say this is the result of factors neither side really can control.

 

I think this is a culture/upbringing problem. I'm not saying that people are being fair or are not acting nasty toward each other. I just think you are a young European woman who married into a conservative American family. To them comments about anything sexual at all are an affront, whether you consider them jokes or not. And the interactions between your husband and brother in law would be accepted by a wife who had been brought up in a family like theirs.

 

Your husband probably doesn't side 100% with you, because his upbringing gives him a tendency to agree with them. He loves you, but he has no idea what it was like to grow up with the values you have. And you don't really understand his.

 

If you are to get along with his family, you're going to have to learn to filter out of your conversation any off-color or sexual comments. You may have to change how you dress when they are around. That's just how they are, and they'll always be offended when those kinds of jokes are made. And they also need to come to terms with how you are, but there are more of them, and that's asking a lot.

 

I imagine they also see you as having married him for a quick, easy way to get into the US. And possibly for his money.

 

I don't disagree that he needs to put you first, but he may be doing that as far as he can. I think it's simplistic to think he'd cut the ties with his family. He does need to prioritize maybe, but his family is clearly an important part of his life, and that's not going to change. If he were to change that to any great extent you risk having him become resentful of you.

 

I dated a sexy European woman for a long time. I come from a conservative American family. Some of those in my family were always suspicious of her, and if I had married her, I think it would have been very hard to get her to integrate with my family. I felt somewhat comfortable with this because I don't spend a lot of time with my family. Your husband is way closer to his family than I am to mine. But the problems sound similar.

 

This is to some extent and "oil and water" problem. I think the majority of the adjustment will have to come from your side, because you're the new one in the mix. At least when you happen to be with them. When you're with him alone, you can be yourself completely.

[Curmudgeon]

I think the underlying issue is that RP doesn't feel as valued by her husband as she might with to and I do see that as a failure on his part. I think he actually can have it both ways -- maintain his closeness to his family but still make his wife feel listened to, considered and important to him.

 

It may be a fine line to walk but one doesn't have to be exclusive of the other. This is where he needs to step up to the plate!

[johan]

I think the underlying issue is that RP doesn't feel as valued by her husband as she might with to and I do see that as a failure on his part. I think he actually can have it both ways -- maintain his closeness to his family but still make his wife feel listened to, considered and important to him.

 

It may be a fine line to walk but one doesn't have to be exclusive of the other. This is where he needs to step up to the plate!

 

I agree with you. But look at the facts. He deliberately found someone from thousands of miles away and from a different culture who he brought over and with the expectation that everything would fit perfectly and everyone would be happy. His family never even met her (as far as I know) before they got married.

 

How much time did he and she even get to spend getting to know each other? Face to face?

 

What you're saying is true, but it's not the whole story. RecordProducer has something to contribute as well. And while what you're saying is true, do you think the people involved have what it takes to actually do it?

 

What is your explanation for why he doesn't do what you're suggesting? My explanation is that his values are more closely aligned with those of his family.

[Touche]

He needs a subservient wife, RP. And you're clearly not subservient. I think he thought that's what he was getting with you.

 

And I too wondered how much time you had (face to face time, as Johan put it) before you two married. I don't think you both really got to know each other in a real way. It was all romance and fantasy...and long distance at that.

 

As to the comments...I'd take the high road in the future. Don't lower yourself to the BIL's level. I would have said something like "Do what you have to do." Or "Whatever you say." Or "Whatever makes you happy." I wouldn't get personal. I'd shrug off the remarks with some innocuous comment. That being said though, I don't think what you said was as obnoxious as what HE said to you.

 

So what are you going to do?

[Lennox]

RP, you have a right to demand respect, and if they don't give it to you, you have the right to stay away from them.

 

I am having similar problems with my in laws at the moment, and I refuse to drive over to their house and I refuse to welcome them into mine. And at the root, is my husband, who is very loving towards me, protecting his ill mannered little brother. So far the stand off has been inforce since November 2006, and I refuse to budge. I didn't start any fights. The little brother has had it in for me ever since his older brother heard the call of the wild and decided he needed a wife. He still lives at home at 26 years old and is still carrying a grudge. Not my problem, that's his to work out. Until then, I refuse to welcome anyone around me that doesn't treat me with the same respect that I treat them with.

 

If you don't want the phone calls, turn off the ringers on the phones. If you don't want him over, tell him you don't want him there and he needs to leave. Be as "rude" as you need to be because the ultimate goal is to protect yourself. Something has to give at some point. In my situation, either his family is going to learn to respect me, or he will leave in which case he chose his family over me, or the stand off will continue forever. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I figure I have nothing to lose either way.

 

Im sorry you're going through this.

[alphamale]

friend's and family are usually one's own worst enemies...

[Curmudgeon]

I agree with you. But look at the facts. He deliberately found someone from thousands of miles away and from a different culture who he brought over and with the expectation that everything would fit perfectly and everyone would be happy. His family never even met her (as far as I know) before they got married.

 

How much time did he and she even get to spend getting to know each other? Face to face?

 

What you're saying is true, but it's not the whole story. RecordProducer has something to contribute as well. And while what you're saying is true, do you think the people involved have what it takes to actually do it?

 

What is your explanation for why he doesn't do what you're suggesting? My explanation is that his values are more closely aligned with those of his family.

 

 

What he thought, how and why he married RP and how much time they had together before the marriage may be factors in their current troubles. Howewver, the overriding factor is and should be that they are married and each should accord the other the love, respect and loyalty a marriage demands.

 

Whether or not they have the capacity to work this out in a mutually beneficial and amiable way remains to be seen. I can't comment on that since I neither know them personally nor have observed the dynamics first-hand. The same goes for his motivation, or lack thereof, to act like a husband who truly values his wife.

 

Of course, I suppose it's always possible that he really doesn't value her and looks upon her as more of a commodity than a mate and full partner. He and RP would be the only ones capable of confirming or refuting that.

[Trialbyfire]

Since off-colour jokes are acceptable on BIL's side, I see no reason why they're off-limits to you. Some, not all twins can be odd and very possessive of each other. Pity the woman that gets in between them.

 

Sit down and discuss the issue one more time with your husband. Let him know that the year(s) of emotional distress from your in-laws have eroded on your marriage. Press home the fact that you are wife number three for a reason.

[RecordProducer]

What a horrible bunch or crap you endure.

I don't know why but when I read this for the second time, it just made me feel like a ... hero!

 

I would have said the same thing you did to the BIL.

Thank you.

 

Also - I'd turn the ringer off on the phone on Saturday nights before bed so th BIL wouldn't be able to wake me up when I had asked him not to. After a few of those Sundays he'd quit trying.

He qouldn't quit bothering me on purpose. Besides, he calls hubby's cell phone. We agreed that he would keep the cell in the living room, cuz I won't hear it there and he will. He has coffee with him every morning and this has been a huge reason for fights many times. He never invites me to go there with him and even though I've compalined, screamed, begged, cried... he just ignores me. He will ahve coffee with me two mornings in a row then continue his old way.

 

I wouldn't have those people over and entertain them - unless my husband would demand that they respect me in my own home.

The problem is that he says they have a right to state their opinion. Hell, they don't! They can't come to my house and tell me what they think of me unless I solicited their opinion. I not only didn't, but made it a point that I don't care about their opinion.

 

So much of this is his fault - I know you know this but my gosh - do you demand more of him or just let him get away with it? Tough situation I know but GD!!

I demanded before. Now I enjoy putting his brother down, but only when HE starts first. E.g. I went to their house today and kissed with a smile everyone, but didn't approach him at all. I want to let him know that I won't kiss his ass, that I will kick him in the ribs while passing by him if he messes with me.

 

To have to deal with snakes on a regular basis with no support - does this happen in front of your kids?

They have heard SIL and BIL argue with us several times, but they don't understand what they're talking about. Neither do I...

 

I would refrain from any off color "jokes". It is only giving them ammunition and they really don't need any more.

Actually I want to provoke them now. They won't piss me off if I know that I did it on purpose. That I "invited" them into my territory by giving them enough rope to hang themselves. I came to the point where I became immune to what they do and say (I talk about it, but it doesn't hurt anymore). I want them to start some crap so I can insult them. While they have no material against me, I have a huge pile of sh*t to throw at them. And since hubby disappointed me in this respect and I saw that killing them with kindness didn't grant me any respect from him, I don't care about leaving a good impression on him. I only care about putting them down. Because they obviously care about those conversation, about proving something to me and hubyy; they are obviously obsessed with me. It's so disgusting that a wealthy businessman (BIL) engages in such low intrigues.

 

What are you going to do? Have you thought about it? I mean these people are going to be around for the rest of your marriage - how ever long that is and if your husband doesn't pull his head out of his A$$ it doesn't look good.

I am going to find a job for starters. When I become financially independent, I will tell him that I can't live with them anymore, I am leaving (at least 100 miles away), and he is welcome to join me. If he decides that living next to his brother is more important than me and the kids he loves so much - fine. If he follows me - I won. I know I won't live with them for the rest of my life. That I know for sure. And to advise me to ignore them is like advising a woman who's been sexually harassed by her boss at work to ignore his groping and do her job.

 

Without waxing eloquent about it I'll only say that your husband does not make you a priority in his life as he should. If you're not going to make your spouse #1 to you then why bother marrying them at all?

Very true, C.

 

I think this is a culture/upbringing problem. I'm not saying that people are being fair or are not acting nasty toward each other. I just think you are a young European woman who married into a conservative American family. To them comments about anything sexual at all are an affront, whether you consider them jokes or not.

Johan, BIL used to talk dirty to me before I married hubby. SIL makes jokes about sex all the time, in front of their daughters. I NEVER make jokes about sex. The two they dug out were not really sexual. The point is that they will dig out anything they can. What about my manners (didn't bring a cake to her party), my motherhood, etc.? By the way, she is a terrible mother, neglects her kids, and is never at home, but she dared tell me that I should give the kids food in the plates when we go somewhere and not my husband. This whole thing has nothign to do with sex.

 

They are NOT Americans, they are all immigrants from Europe. SIL is Greek and her mother doesn't speak a word of English, although she's been living here for almost 30 years. That tells you about her class.

 

I think the underlying issue is that RP doesn't feel as valued by her husband as she might with to and I do see that as a failure on his part. I think he actually can have it both ways -- maintain his closeness to his family but still make his wife feel listened to, considered and important to him.

He can, but he thinks that we are all one family. He told me so. I can't persuade him that the 4 of us are family now and they are his extended family. I told him that since we're all one family and I am not accepted then I am not part of his family and don't belong here.

 

How much time did he and she even get to spend getting to know each other? Face to face?

Johan, it's none of their business. They MUST accept his wife. He was 49 when he married me, he didn't need their approval. In any case, you're missing the point: if they hated me for a certain reason, I would understand. But they find stupid reasons to insult me - that has nothign to do with our marriage and what a wife I am. They simply want me out of his life. Your comments lie on the premise that they want the best for him, but they act like they only want him to divorce me, no matter what. They never wanted to get to know me, they just rejected me from the beginning. BIL has ignored me and SIl gossiped about me and turned everyone against me.

 

What you're saying is true, but it's not the whole story. RecordProducer has something to contribute as well. And while what you're saying is true, do you think the people involved have what it takes to actually do it?

Believe me I did nothing to rpovoke them. But I arrived here self-confident, young, good-looking, with two beautiful boys, happy and lucky... and she decided to step on my happiness and ruin it. It's mere jealousy. Besides, she wants his money, too. Without a wife in his life, everything will belong to her children some day. I screwed up her plans. Hubby also baby-sat her son.

 

What is your explanation for why he doesn't do what you're suggesting? My explanation is that his values are more closely aligned with those of his family.

I don't know what you mean by values, but what I think is that 1. he is very close to his twin brother; 2. I depend on him so I don't have a say; 3. he needs some training. It takes time for a man to learn the rules, but I am afraid that I will lose motivation by the time he learns how to be a good husband.

 

He needs a subservient wife, RP. And you're clearly not subservient.

He is the alpha male, the boss type, he has to be in carge, he is always right, he knows everythig, and he has to make all the decisions.

 

I don't think what you said was as obnoxious as what HE said to you.

Thank you.

 

So what are you going to do?

Read above.

 

If you don't want him over, tell him you don't want him there and he needs to leave.

In your dreams, Lennox.

 

Be as "rude" as you need to be because the ultimate goal is to protect yourself.

This isa very important moment when you decide that your nerves are more important than their nerves and start smashing theirs, because it makes you feel good to be vindictive. Eating sh*t is part of life, too and you gotta find a way to deal with it. You wouldn't ignore a growing tumor or flood in your home, so why would you ignore people who put you down? All illnesses come from stress at least 50% and I really don't intend to have a stroke at age 40, because my husband wanted me to be nice to them and let THEM be bad, as he stated. But since he doesn't appreciate when I am nice to them and approves their rudeness and calls me paranoid.. I have no reason to be nice anymore. I am nice to SIL when she doesn't touch me. BIL is just her marionette, I know that, but I play her game: I am nice to her and tell BIL off.

I have no idea what is going to happen, but I figure I have nothing to lose either way.

And this is how I feel, too. Thanks for your input, Lennox.

 

Some, not all twins can be odd and very possessive of each other. Pity the woman that gets in between them.

Sooo very true! And I have twin boys myself.

 

Sit down and discuss the issue one more time with your husband. Let him know that the year(s) of emotional distress from your in-laws have eroded on your marriage. Press home the fact that you are wife number three for a reason.

You think I haven't told him that 1,000 times so far? It's pointless. He doesn't understand the language of words. He only understands actions.

[MrsHellFire]

I think it's really destructive for your marriage to be living right next door to them. I think your husband should respect privacy of your marriage and stick up for you more. Apparently since he's not working, he is very dependent on this relationship with his brother. You said somewhere that they meet up every morning for coffee. I don't know, but I'm guessing your husband's perspective is that "wives come and they go" but "family is forever".

[MrsHellFire]

" He told me his penis was sensitive and I looked like a sex goddess - I never responded to these REALLY TASTELESS "jokes"

 

Ew.. he sounds like a real dirtbag.

 

Maybe if he appropriated the time he gives other women to his daughter, she wouldn't be such a mess.

Too bad you didn't save that mess. Maybe if you sent his wife that stuff, she'd kick him out of the house and you wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.

I think that deep down he is embarrassed by his past actions and even offended that you chose your husband over him .. who knows, but he's obviously trying to get back at you for something. I think he's jealous.

[Curmudgeon]

I am going to find a job for starters. When I become financially independent, I will tell him that I can't live with them anymore, I am leaving (at least 100 miles away), and he is welcome to join me. If he decides that living next to his brother is more important than me and the kids he loves so much - fine. If he follows me - I won. I know I won't live with them for the rest of my life. That I know for sure.

 

If so, that's a gutsy approach and also one that may entail some risk for you in regards to your residency status if he decides to divorce you because of it.

 

Now mind you, I'm certainly not advocating that you stay for that reason. That would be selling yourself short. I'm just concerned that you think all of this through and not make any hasty decisions.

 

I am guessing that you're considerably younger than your husband. If so, could that be a reason his family doesn't take you seriously? Maybe I'm way off base but I'm trying to apply their twisted thinking to the matter.

 

Of course, if all he understands is action then it just might take a move such as you've describedf to either wake him up or determine, once and for all, if he even cares.

 

As for being an alpha male, I am decidedly one but it has never made me insensitive, uncaring or hurtful. It simply makes me decisive, directed and a very take-charge person but still open to suggestions from others and unafraid to admit when I'm wrong.

[johan]

Maybe I misread the whole situation. In that case, I can only really say that I wish I could help somehow. I would much prefer that you could make your marriage survive as a happy couple, and that things with his family were to smooth out for you. I'll keep posting what I think. And you can take out of it what helps.

 

Hang in there.

[Trialbyfire]

Good luck RP with getting a job and making yourself financially independent. This can never hurt no matter which way you choose to go because it helps to realign the power/control in a relationship.

[RecordProducer]

" He told me his penis was sensitive and I looked like a sex goddess - I never responded to these REALLY TASTELESS "jokes"

 

Ew.. he sounds like a real dirtbag.

 

Maybe if he appropriated the time he gives other women to his daughter, she wouldn't be such a mess.

Too bad you didn't save that mess. Maybe if you sent his wife that stuff, she'd kick him out of the house and you wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.

I think that deep down he is embarrassed by his past actions and even offended that you chose your husband over him .. who knows, but he's obviously trying to get back at you for something. I think he's jealous.

Hm... That's very interesting. I thought about it, but you somehow made it more clear and straight. Hubby told me that BIL doesn't find me attractive at all.Well, after his nasty comments and knowing that all men think I am attractive, it's kinda weird that he defends himself so much. Also, once I was talking about men drooling over women in the street and BIL said he didn't drool over women. Hubby said with a serious tone (but I knew it was a joke): "Only over MY wife!" Then BIL replied dead serious:"Yeah. MY wife!" He became so defensive about it. And once I said that SIL is beautiful (she is) and BIL stopped talking to whomever he was talking to, turned to me, and said: "You are right! She IS beautiful!" She is very cute and blond, but she is 5 feet tall and has a JLo butt. I am also 12 years younger than her. It's possible that his brother sees me as competition, is jealous, SIL sees me as a threat...

 

See, I would never obsess with these things; we are family, we are not supposed to look at each other's tits and penises. But I caught him staring at me in a weird way. When hubby first told him about me, BIL told him "If she is cute, she is bullsh*t!" Then he demanded to see me on the web cam and commented:"She is cute - she is bullsh*t!" (didn't he say he didn't find me attractive ?). Too much sickness for my stomach... And all these attacks about inappropriateness have to do with his own dirty feelings very much. And I've seen this before: my former step-father who molested me as a child once saw my mom and me watching some movie that had an erotic scene in it and started yelling: "Shame on you both! Look at what you're watching!" I was like 15-16 y.o. The double standards are often another name for hypocrisy and guilt.

 

By the way, I told him about the online flirts and hubby believed me but his comment was that maybe he tried to check me out. Yeah, right, like I am retarded and I'm gonna flirt with my future BIL even if I am the worst whore in the world. But I know that he talked to him about it and he most likely gave him a hard time, cuz he always defends me with them and takes my side.

 

If so, that's a gutsy approach and also one that may entail some risk for you in regards to your residency status if he decides to divorce you because of it.

My residency will be unconditionally permanent (i.e. resolved) by December this year. I wouldn't make any huge changes in such a short time anyway. Besides, he needs to be fully assured that they keep abusing me.

 

I am guessing that you're considerably younger than your husband. If so, could that be a reason his family doesn't take you seriously?

I'll be 32 next month and he just turned 50. BIL tortured his ex-wife, too and she was hubby's age. SIL admitted in front of everyone that he was nasty to her and our gym trainer told me that he would make sexual jokes with her like oral sex (she to him) and stuff like that. She would feel like a slut and cry. The trainer said he heard this dirt with his own ears. Sadly, for hubby, BIL is the best creature in the whole world.

 

Of course, if all he understands is action then it just might take a move such as you've described to either wake him up or determine, once and for all, if he even cares.

We'll see. For now I know what doesn't work: talking. We'll see if actions work. They should. They always do with everyone.

 

Maybe I misread the whole situation. In that case, I can only really say that I wish I could help somehow. I would much prefer that you could make your marriage survive as a happy couple, and that things with his family were to smooth out for you. I'll keep posting what I think. And you can take out of it what helps.

 

Hang in there.

Thanks, Johan. That's OK, you didn't know all the details and there are many. It's easy to get lost when you only read one messy post about a whole year of crap.

 

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate it.

[Art_Critic]

Can I ask you why you stay in this marriage ?

 

Is it because he has you financially crippled and held hostage ? maybe that is why he is such an ass.. he knows you can't leave because you cannot afford to leave after moving here from another country.

 

Honestly I would suggest that you seriously start considering how to get out of this mess instead of asking him to move..

If you move the problems in your marriage will just follow you and by then you will be even more tied to him financially.

[Island Girl]

If so, that's a gutsy approach and also one that may entail some risk for you in regards to your residency status if he decides to divorce you because of it.

 

 

Actually Curmudgeon, I believe she is extremely close to getting her conditions for residency removed -- isn't that correct RP?

 

And there are provisions for abused spouses in the immigration laws already (certainly I would argue what she goes through could be considered emotional abuse) so even if she wasn't so close to permanent residency, she could enact that and the possibility of staying here is very good.

[RecordProducer]

Yeah, the residency issue as the reason why I am still with him. If I decided to stay just for the residency, I would simply wait patiently and move out at the end of this year. Yet, it's not the case.

The reasons are:

 

1. I love him.

 

2. He is a great dad to my kids, he loves them, and they love him. Maybe I should describe their relationship more closely: he is like a real dad to them. He huggs them, kisses them, buys them everything they want, does their homework with them... This is their chance to have a father. They did see their real father very often, but they knew that he left us and lives with his daughter and his parents. My husband thinks of them as his own sons.

 

3. I hope we will move and be happy. Without the in-laws, he would automatically chnage and become less of a wolf and more of a lamb. Right now he has a lot of power and support behind him. But once that changes, he may change his attitude as well.

 

Many marriages go through the "we wanted to divorce" phase, if not all of them. I still love him less than before, but in other ways I love him more. I discovered some really sh*tty character flaws, but I also discovered some other great features.

 

For now I don't want to think about it much. I want to relax and see what happens. I am doing a job market research. I need to get a life: a job, friends, hobbies... In several years I will be bale to bring my mom over here too so that will make me much happier.

 

I think this is depression due to several things that I described already. I feel weak and useless, miss my parents, and take the crap from the in-laws. It's possible that I took it way to personally - they ARE jerk-offs, but I should have fired back from the very beginning with a smile on my face and then pretend as if nothing happened. The same that they're doing. I shouldn't have taken it so close to my heart. They are on a good way to destroy my marriage andnI let them do it. I must change my whole mindset. If it doesn't work - at least I tried. I am very confused right now.

[MrsHellFire]

He feels inadequate. Him and his wife have awful personalities so they are obviously not happy. You are probably more attractive than his wife and I bet have even a much better attitude and to make you look bad and him feel better about his pathetic life, he continues this charade. I wonder if the guy cheats on his wife.. he sounds ridiculous to me. His wife is probably an uptight bitch too. Sorry, just listening about these idiots make me sick. Do they hate your husband too? Like they want him to be happy.. HA. They obviously can't stand seeing another couple actually HAPPY!!! God forbid because then they really feel like they have a SHOT marriage. UGLY UGLY UGLY people and to think your husband actually enjoys living next to them.

[RecordProducer]

I tried to correct my post and threw out some words and crippled it .

Yeah, the residency issue as the reason why I am still with him. If I decided to stay just for the residency, I would simply wait patiently and move out at the end of this year. Yet, it's not the case.

I meant the residency is not the thing that keeps me, because it can only keep me for so long...

 

They obviously can't stand seeing another couple actually HAPPY!!!

This is probably also true. They are miserable and petty. I mean, nobody is perfect, I am far from it, but I never care about others and ruinging their happiness. I am kinda turned to myself and if someone can be my friend - good, if not - I stay away. They are literally obsessed with me. I feel like a god damn super-star! But wihtout the money they make.

 

BIL is SIL's marionette and I think all this crap is conducted by her, But he is not a better person than her either.

[MrsHellFire]

What's disturbing is trying to figure out how much influence the BIL has on your husband and how it's affecting decisions made in your marriage.

[Mz. Pixie]

1. I love him.

 

You must. It breaks my heart to think of you over here in our country- not close to any family except your MIL- and him treating you like this- threatening you with divorce all the time- and picking his brother over you.