Guest Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I find it strange that whenever me and my SO talk about her past relationship she finds humor in the abuse that she went through. She would tell me the reason why her Ex beat her, sometimes over the simplest things, And she would be laughing while she's telling me the story and I told her that I don't find it funny, When we first started dating she would be in fear of her life and now all of a sudden she finds it funny, I asked her why and she says "that Life is funny, and she wouldn't ever put up with it again but life is too short to be angry about it all the time" WTF!!! If you ask me she isn't angry enough. Is she laughing because she's nervous thinking about or telling it to someone or is she just mentally screwed I guess would be my question? Link to post Share on other sites
joannewww Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 I find it strange that whenever me and my SO talk about her past relationship she finds humor in the abuse that she went through. She would tell me the reason why her Ex beat her, sometimes over the simplest things, And she would be laughing while she's telling me the story and I told her that I don't find it funny, When we first started dating she would be in fear of her life and now all of a sudden she finds it funny, I asked her why and she says "that Life is funny, and she wouldn't ever put up with it again but life is too short to be angry about it all the time" WTF!!! If you ask me she isn't angry enough. Is she laughing because she's nervous thinking about or telling it to someone or is she just mentally screwed I guess would be my question? humour is good for diffusing situations! I personally laugh when in nervous situations, even if it seems inappropriate, it's my defence mechanism. Is it YOU that's instigating the conversations about her ex? If so, maybe she feels uncomfortable and not ready to open up to you about it (nervous humour?) Either way, I feel that she's out of the "frying pan" and doesn't want to "burn" anymore - she's cried her last tears over HIM and so wants to move on (and from the sounds of things... she wants to move on WITH YOU). Just be supportive, don't rush and give her space to heal and don't make an issue of it... as she clearly doesn;t want to be haunted by HIM right now. Good luck! Jo xx Link to post Share on other sites
digichick Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Sounds to me that by talking about it with you she is healing, and perhaps she's laughing in an "I showed you whose stronger" kind of way (which is now her mentality towards her abuser). Not that it's funny, but perhaps it's her way of coping. How long has she been away from him? And how long with you? Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Sounds like a coping mechanism, this way she doesn't have to deal with her true feelings... Maybe she should try abuse counselling to put it behind her? Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Is she laughing because she's nervous thinking about or telling it to someone or is she just mentally screwed I guess would be my question? If she didn't laugh, she'd cry. Link to post Share on other sites
Audero Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 I was married for 20 yrs to a verbal and pyhsically abusive man. Got out of that, and ended up with another man who was extremely verbally abusive. Got out of that, and picked another verbal abuser. I'm now with a wonderful man, unlike any of the others. When talking about the past, I often use humor, and crack jokes. For me, it is my way of taking control, finally. The men may have hurt me in the past, but they aren't going to make me cry now. I laugh at it, my own "stupidity" for staying as long as I did, and move on. As some said, it is a defense mechanism, and at times, if it weren't for the humor I find in the situation, I would be crying. What they did to me was wrong, but I wised up, got out of the relationships, and life is too short to hold a grudge, or carry around all of that anger. The fact that she isn't bitter, is a good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 I agree completely with Audero. I also find humor in the things my husband beat me over....because, really, it is so ridiculous. If you haven't been through it, then you probably can't understand it. One example of abuse that sticks out in my mind...my husband would force me to kiss him goodbye whenever we parted. If I refused, he would hold me tightly against my will and say "kiss me." If I didn't kiss him just right, I would have to do it all over again. If I tried to free myself, he would dig his nails into my skin or push me against a wall. At the time, it felt terribly uncomfortable, but now the incidents seem so funny to me. He seems like such a wimpy, sad child and I find it funny. Of course, I am able to recognize how sick his behavior was, but I choose not to victimize myself any longer. I think laughing about it helps me feel like I'm the one in control, that I finally figured out who this guy is, and that I am more powerful (mentally and emotionally) than he wanted me to be. Why is your SO not angry? Harboring anger is not healthy. The fact that she recognizes that the abuse was bad and not acceptable is enough. She has been hurt, and hanging on to the hurt and anger would just prolong her experience. She has probably realized that the abuse was meant to control her, and now chooses not to be controlled by it any longer. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense to you. Just be happy that your SO is NOT angry. It sounds like she is overcoming the abuse and moving on with her life. She sounds like a strong gal to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 It is her way of coping. I have dealt with some horrible experiences in my life and I tend to laugh at them. That includes witnessing murders and all that. Murder isn't funny but if I don't find some humor in I would cry about it and I am not about to go through life always crying. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 humour is good for diffusing situations!Is it YOU that's instigating the conversations about her ex? If so, maybe she feels uncomfortable and not ready to open up to you about it. I don't instigate it, sometimes the topic would just come up either from a tv show or sometimes our coversations just end up their. How long has she been away from him? And how long with you? She was away from him maybe only a few months before we started dating. And we been together for almost a year. I've suggested counseling to her, She says she'll go, but she feels she doesn't need it. This is the first time I've ever been with a women who was abused so maybe at times I might over react to certain situations, or look to much into them because all of this is new to me. I just don't understand how can a person find humor in being beat unconscious or having bones broke. Link to post Share on other sites
Audero Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 This is the first time I've ever been with a women who was abused so maybe at times I might over react to certain situations, or look to much into them because all of this is new to me. I just don't understand how can a person find humor in being beat unconscious or having bones broke. What would you prefer she do? Cry over it? I promise you, she has probably already shed a million tears. Have nightmares? I'm sure she has. There is no "correct", one-size-fits-all way of dealing with abuse. People react differently, and do what they can to survive. If laughter works for her, who are you to say she is wrong in laughing it off? Some people seek therapy, others don't. It's obvious you care about her, and that is a good thing. Just keep in mind, you really have no idea what she went through, even if she tells you some it. And in the end, she is the only one who knows the best way out of that hell for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 What would you prefer she do? Cry over it? No, I don't want her to cry over it all the time, I just didn't understand the humor in it, but now I see thats her way of coping with it. Like I said' all of this is new to me. And maybe I'm the one that get's angry cause she's a sweet person and I can't imagine why someone would want to do that to her. And thanks to Everyone for helping me Understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Audero Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 No, I don't want her to cry over it all the time, I just didn't understand the humor in it, but now I see thats her way of coping with it. Like I said' all of this is new to me. And maybe I'm the one that get's angry cause she's a sweet person and I can't imagine why someone would want to do that to her. And thanks to Everyone for helping me Understand. FWIW, it was very thoughtful of you to seek advice, and ask others who might have been there. And, my bf now doesn't always understand how I can laugh about my past...it makes him sad & angry, what was done to me. So, you aren't alone in your confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
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