Got My Second Chance: How do I give her hers?

[loveratud]

So I've had a few threads, maybe you've read them (you should, they're great.) Anyway, I have my second chance with her. We're having lunch on Tuesday, and have a dinner planned in a few weeks, at which I plan to suprise her with my new salsa skills.

 

We talked on the phone tonight for about 20 minutes. Just casual conversation really. And I can't help but feel resentment. Anger. Betrayal. A lot of feelings. None of them particularly good.

 

I held myself together for over a month, knowing that this would work out. Because I have the will power to make it so. I never stopped believing in us. I never stopped loving her. I never gave up. But I feel like she did. She walked away rather than dealing with things. I feel like I never would have done that, under any circumstance. But she did.

 

So what's wrong with me now? I got what I wanted. How do you forgive? How do you forget all that hurt?

 

I've believed for a long time now, and I still do, that I could happily spend the rest of my life with this girl. But first I have to get past this.

 

Any tips from successful people?

[resi71]

okey.if she break up with you ,remamber it was all your fould,do not argue.take slow and easy.do not push.i hope i get my 3rd one ,she break up and did not say the reason

[taylor]

Loveratud,

 

I have been reading your posts with great interest.

 

I admire your optimism and your fortitude. I am not sure where it will lead - if you will get the happy ending you are looking for - but I do wish you all the best. If it doesn't turn out in the end the way you wanted it to, at least you will be able to say you gave it all you had.

 

Now, about your feelings of resentment, anger, betrayal and your desire to find forgiveness in your heart....

 

There is a book by John Gray called "Mars and Venus Breaking-Up." It talks about the healing process and the stages of grief a person goes through after a break-up.

 

Anger is one of the key stages in the healing process. You need to take time to go through this stage. It's important for your healing. You need to validate your feelings of anger, express them, and work through them. Don't deny them, bury them, or feel guilty for having them.

 

Finding forgiveness is another key stage in the healing process. In fact, Gray says healing is never complete unless one finds forgiveness. It's the last step in the healing process and a very important one.

 

I don't know how to tell you to find forgiveness but the fact that you are seeking forgiveness is a good sign that your are healing. The only thing I do know is that hanging on to resentment and holding grudges over a long period of time will eat you alive and imprison your heart.

 

Forgiveness is a very freeing experience. Once you forgive, your heart will be free to love again, completely and fully.

 

It's just my opinion, but I think you need to give yourself more time to heal before you launch yourself into another serious relationship. You need time to work through the anger and forgiveness issues before you try to embark on a new relationship. Otherwise, those unresolved issues will get tangled in your new relationship and can jeopardize its success. You don't want to bring this "baggage" into the new relationship. You want a fresh start with a clean slate (well, as clean as you can get it.)

 

I understand your desire to rekindle the romance with your ex-girlfriend, especially if you see signs from her that she may be interested as well. I will guess most posters here will tell you to continue NC until you are completely healed. But, you seem determined to forge ahead because of your confident and optimistic outlook. In that case, that's all I can suggest is you move ahead slowly and cautiously and keep things as light and casual as you can as you continue to heal.

 

Good luck to you. I look forward to reading your future posts.

[loveratud]

Had lunch with her today. Started off casual and chit chatty for a half hour. Then turned serious. I basically expressed that I understand she doesn't have time for herself, much less a full time relationship with me. She felt like I understood. I told her that I know this semester is going to be tough for her, but I'll be here for her. And that she was worth waiting for, worth fighting for. I told her I was confident that this could all be worked out, and that I wasn't even close to giving up.

 

It was all very well recieved. Things are good. We're going to start hanging out a bit again.

 

It's a damn good thing I didn't stick to NC. I'm so much smarter than everyone else. j/k

[Guest]

I read your story and was so suprised of how it reminded me of a love I once know. Being in love takes a lot of both part, expect when something like this happens. I'm not going to lie and tell you everythings okay, and ya'll will have a happy ever after. No we are in reality... there are four things that can happen:

 

One:

you and her get back together and stay that happy for a few monthes. every time she tell you it's her mother on the other line or she has to work late, ya'll think it's him. Then ya'll wnat to get back at her for doing you wrong. though that's unintenal. the pay back is something the heart wants. the body fellow the heart not the mind. ya'll regret getting back at her and end up telling and BOM the break up will be ten time worse then the 1 st time.

 

 

Two:

you and her get back together and stay that happy for a few monthes. every time she tell you it's her mother on the other line or she has to work late. Blah Blah seem like i heard this some were JK

I will really be another guy again. she'll tell and you will get your heart broken again

 

Three:

Ya'll let it go! this was ment to happen in your life for you to grow!

 

Four:

Ya'll let her go for a few monthes and if she comes back to you w/ the love that you know that you love then it was ment to be.

 

 

Tips 2 see if she loves you:

 

Don't anwser you phone for a 2 days if she calls over 60 time then she crazy about you

 

Tell her about you day then ask her about it later

 

share a deep converastion if she can keep up w/ the intelacual connection then its good

 

spend time w/ her but here the catch don't touch her in any sexual way or kiss her. the next time you see her if you jumps on you she's a hoe. but if she kiss in a sutal way then yours

 

show her your you good looking guy friends if she flirts let it go. I she dosen't then keep her

 

 

Remeber to romance her and always show her a great time!

[loveratud]

I read your story and was so suprised of how it reminded me of a love I once know. Being in love takes a lot of both part, expect when something like this happens. I'm not going to lie and tell you everythings okay, and ya'll will have a happy ever after. No we are in reality... there are four things that can happen:

 

One:

you and her get back together and stay that happy for a few monthes. every time she tell you it's her mother on the other line or she has to work late, ya'll think it's him. Then ya'll wnat to get back at her for doing you wrong. though that's unintenal. the pay back is something the heart wants. the body fellow the heart not the mind. ya'll regret getting back at her and end up telling and BOM the break up will be ten time worse then the 1 st time.

 

 

Two:

you and her get back together and stay that happy for a few monthes. every time she tell you it's her mother on the other line or she has to work late. Blah Blah seem like i heard this some were JK

I will really be another guy again. she'll tell and you will get your heart broken again

 

Three:

Ya'll let it go! this was ment to happen in your life for you to grow!

 

Four:

Ya'll let her go for a few monthes and if she comes back to you w/ the love that you know that you love then it was ment to be.

 

 

Tips 2 see if she loves you:

 

Don't anwser you phone for a 2 days if she calls over 60 time then she crazy about you

 

Tell her about you day then ask her about it later

 

share a deep converastion if she can keep up w/ the intelacual connection then its good

 

spend time w/ her but here the catch don't touch her in any sexual way or kiss her. the next time you see her if you jumps on you she's a hoe. but if she kiss in a sutal way then yours

 

show her your you good looking guy friends if she flirts let it go. I she dosen't then keep her

 

 

Remeber to romance her and always show her a great time!

 

 

What the hell are you talking about? There's no other guy. I'm not suspicious of her.

 

Anyway, more about the lunch on Tuesday. I asked her how she was progressing on her issues with being alone and by herself, etc. She said she was making some progress, but she was mainly super busy with school and trying to sort out her terrible financial situation.

 

Later that night she came to pick up a book that I had of hers that she desperately needed for a test next week. I gave her a bunch of other stuff she left behind. We parted ways with a hug.

 

I think she needs more time, and I threw too much at her on Tuesday. She seemed suprised that I wasn't angry with her, that I was still caring and understanding. She clearly doesn't have the time for a relationship, or for anything really. Maybe I'm making this undually hard on her by being so nice.

 

The only thing I can do is back off again and see what she does. Hope for the best. She's still considering dinner next week. She has no idea I learned to salsa dance and plan to suprise her with that at dinner.

[insomnie]

Hey Loveratud,

 

I read your original post a couple of days ago and it really stuck in my head. I am not really sure what hte status of your relationship is, if you are back together or not...but the forgiveness is something I am looking for as well, and for me it's been really hard to find.

 

I got back togehter with my boyfriend about two months ago. He broke up with me around Thanksgiving, and he was the one that initiated the getting back together... but I must tell you, even though everything is fantastic now, and I am feeling very loved, it's been REALLY hard for me to let go of what happened.

 

I'm not sure what I am going to do, but the way I see it...if he REALLY loved me, he wouldn't have let me go in teh first place. And, how can I trust someone who has already proven to me that he can hurt me so much? I have so much resentment...and he's not really helping me deal with it. He just calls me ungrateful for all the effort he HAS been putting in every time I tell him how I feel.

 

So, I don't know...maybe it's best you let this go now before you're in a relationship with her again and having all the same doubts I am. Right now I wish we never got back together...when we did I was almost over it, though I still missed him very much, but breaking up now would just mean a lot more heartbreak.

[loveratud]

Hey Loveratud,

 

I read your original post a couple of days ago and it really stuck in my head. I am not really sure what hte status of your relationship is, if you are back together or not...but the forgiveness is something I am looking for as well, and for me it's been really hard to find.

 

I got back togehter with my boyfriend about two months ago. He broke up with me around Thanksgiving, and he was the one that initiated the getting back together... but I must tell you, even though everything is fantastic now, and I am feeling very loved, it's been REALLY hard for me to let go of what happened.

 

I'm not sure what I am going to do, but the way I see it...if he REALLY loved me, he wouldn't have let me go in teh first place. And, how can I trust someone who has already proven to me that he can hurt me so much? I have so much resentment...and he's not really helping me deal with it. He just calls me ungrateful for all the effort he HAS been putting in every time I tell him how I feel.

 

So, I don't know...maybe it's best you let this go now before you're in a relationship with her again and having all the same doubts I am. Right now I wish we never got back together...when we did I was almost over it, though I still missed him very much, but breaking up now would just mean a lot more heartbreak.

 

 

I read your post with great interest too! Nice to know it's not a gender issue.

 

To me this is just a minor thing. I don't even consider "cutting my losses." I've put so much time and energy and emotion into this relationship that nothing is going to deter me. Even if the feelings of resentment and distrust are there, I'll wait them out. I'm stubborn and dedicated. I'm still confident that this will work out.

[loveratud]

She called me tonight about a text message I sent asking her if she had my ipod cable. She then strung that into chitchat, then came out with, "Does (nickname for the vibrator I got her when she went on the 3 week trip to mexico) have a warranty? It just went crazy and then stopped working. What am I going to do?"

 

I simply said, "I'll see if I can find the reciept later this weekend, and we'll figure something out."

 

I resent the fact that she called me with veiled sexual propositions on a lonely friday night. It hurts me. It makes me feel like she's trying to cheapen our relationship.

 

I mean, I believe we're on the road to working things out, but I want to take things slowly. Go on some dates, and get to know one another again. I know it sounds silly coming from a guy, but I feel like I don't trust her enough to sleep with her. I'm still too hurt over everything that's happened.

 

Anyway, that's my dear diary for tonight.