psmom Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I am new to the forums and not sure really what to do in my situation, so hoping someone here has had a similiar experience. Basically we have two kids, I work full time. He was fired 3 years ago from his job and I was the stay at home mom at the time during this time I did everything didnt expect him to do a thing since I figured he was bringing in the dough now he has a job kinda one that he is self employed but doesnt do anything with it. I go to work really early like 3am so he can have time to do his thing but he doesnt. He just mulls around the house not doing anything, so basically not bringing home any income he has time to time but there is so much more he can do. Now here lies the problem if im working all day I would think he would get some simple tasks done around the house dishes et....nothing he doesnt do anything until I come home and start doing it then he starts to pitch in a bit. I have a very physical job so when I get home Im just beat as it is and dont feel I should have to clean the whole house. When the weekend comes there are 8 loads of laundry to do and the house is just thrashed. Now you guys are gonna say why dont you talk to him. I have tried he just turns it into blaming me again somehow its never his fault so last night was the last blow up. I just told him look dont worry about it you do what you want and if I have to work another few hours after im already home to get this stuff taken care i will but im not gonna let things go. It wasnt that calm more of a yelling match. Im just to the point where he can do his thing and I will do mine as long as he is there watching the kids then so be it, he is a good dad with them for the most part - but for work, house things he doesnt do a damn them. So Im sure really what to do - i cant talk to him with out him throwing it back in my face and he starts in on the yelling. Should I try some sort of counseling? we have been married 8 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Should I try some sort of counseling? I would certainly consider it. Chances are he won't choose to participate but individual counseling may give you some new insights, a game plan and some coping skills. Have you thought about going on strike? Refuse to fix meals unless the kitchen has been cleaned. Instead, eat out before you come home, bring something home for the children and let him go hungry. Do your and your childrens' laundry but not his. Don't even try to discuss it. Simply stop doing anything for him since he's just using you. Clearly he needs help but the chances of him admitting it are likely very slim. As long as you continue to do for him he'll continue to take it all and give back nothing in return. By the way, one of the primary signs of an abuser, or someone with a borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, is that they always blame their "target" for their own failings. Stop being a willing target! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Obviously as you know you can't make him do anything but what you can do is as little as possible concerning things that effect him. Don't do his laundry, things of that nature. If he wants his favorite meal then he can cook it. Suggest putting the kids in daycare so he can go find a job. Explain you are tired of working double shifts. Let him yell. So what if he does. Its just him being defensive because he knows he's wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
uleryrns Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 See my thread ... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1094486#post1094486 I am going through the same things as you, it seems. However, I too, have no answers. I do know that "going on strike" doesn't change anything. At least it hasn't for me, except bring me more grief from my husband. Just know you're not alone... Link to post Share on other sites
jimm Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 My recent post "anyone else have a wife like this" is close to the same situation but only the other way around exept that we both work. Nobody seems to have the answer for the lazy carefree spouse issue. Even the couselers have a hard time sorting out this one. As the husband, I see my wife not caring about how the house looks. I dread when someone comes over because it is always such a mess and none of it is from me. When I bust my butt to clean it in hopes that she will see how easy it really is (4-6 hours top to bottom) it isn't 24 hours and she has piles of stuff everywhere. A few replies told me to hire a housekeeper and make her pay for it. That would be difficult to do since it is often not things a hkeeper would do anyway. I do not know how to get her off her butt and help keep up this house or due regular duties that are just part of daily life. I often ask myself if I am too demanding but keep coming up with the same answer that I honestly think she is just careless. After all,...she is the only one able to find time on most weekends for a 2-3 hr afternoon nap while I am running around here trying to get stuff done....I never have time to take a nap in the middle of the day like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 You may want to take him to see a Dr about Depression. Losing job can be very hard on a man. Slipping into a deep depression is not uncommon. I can't tell you how debilitating Depression can be. Even the smallest things like getting dressed in the morning or taking a shower can be a major task. Don't discount this as some excuse for being lazy. Depression isa very serious but treatable disease. With new drugs out on the market and therapy. It is sometimes is just a matter of weeks for significant changes to take place. Link to post Share on other sites
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