Divorce him or divorce my parents?

[Lost_forever]

If anyone out there with more experience than me could just give some advice (any advice!!) I would be grateful. It’s a long story. So I'll cut it short. I have a complex relationship with my parents. It's always been that way. I idolize my dad and I want never to be like my mum.

 

I met someone 7 years ago as a teenager. He was my first love. I have now graduated. I'm doing OK in life (I think). We've married and I love him. I can't imagine life without him. He love's me and I love him. We've been married and living together almost 3 years now. The only thing is my parents hate him.

 

They constantly tell me his imperfections. I know his imperfections. I live with the guy. He's starting out. He's moved from his home country to live with me in the UK and he's where I was 5 years ago. He wants to go to university and he's studying and working hard. He's left his family and friends. He spends all his free time when he's not at college or working with me. I know my parents wanted me to marry a doctor or someone established.

 

I can handle all this. The problem is they want me to choose. Not only that when I go to may parents home I am constantly nervous and uptight as every time they start on him. Pull out his bad points. My partner has tried for 7 years. He's been understanding and respected them. He has always told me to respect my parents whatever. He tells me to communicate with them and go see them as much as possible. But now he just doesn’t want anything to do with them.

 

Now I’m stuck. I can't take it anymore. This is really depressing me. I don't want to see my parents anymore. I feel isolated and lost. I'm beginning to loath my husband for this. For being the cause of this rift. This upset. What do I do? Do I divorce him and end up losing the best thing that ever happened to me to make my parents happy? Then I will hate them forever for wrecking my life and making me a divorcee at the age of 23.

 

Who is right? Someone please give me an answer. I have a history of depression and I am now suicidal. I can't think of anything to make it work. I've talked to my parents a thousand times. It never works for long. pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee give me some advice.

 

Thanks

[CardPlay3r]

Ok, first of all don't hate your husband, he did nothing wrong. It is your parents that are controlling not letting you live your life.

 

I loathe your parents and people that are like that personally, you should want your children happy not do everything in your power to make their lives miserable.

 

They are the ones that are willing to have nothing to do with you just because they don't approve of your bf, they are horrible parents in my book.

 

So it's THEIR choice not yours....if you love your husband stick with him...you mustn't let your parents control your life forever.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Lost Forever: " Now I’m stuck. I can't take it anymore. This is really depressing me. I don't want to see my parents anymore. I feel isolated and lost. I'm beginning to loath my husband for this. For being the cause of this rift. This upset. What do I do? Do I divorce him and end up losing the best thing that ever happened to me to make my parents happy? Then I will hate them forever for wrecking my life and making me a divorcee at the age of 23.

 

Who is right? Someone please give me an answer. I have a history of depression and I am now suicidal. I can't think of anything to make it work. I've talked to my parents a thousand times. It never works for long. pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee give me some advice."

 

First, see a doctor for the depression and suicidal tendancies (if you aren't, already).

 

It'll give you a much better "foothold" in taking back charge of your life.

 

Now, the dilema with the parents who strongly dissapprove of your husband....

 

Unless, life and limb is being threatened, or he is somehow abusing you -parents have no say-so or rightful position to interfere in a marriage.

 

And they need to hear that from *you* -preferably, within earshot of him, so that he can benefit from the assurance that you truly *did* marry him -and that you are working in the best interest of each of you and your marriage.

 

Parents should offer *one thing* second to love for their children: support.

 

Your parents are acting as a wedge -and even more inflammatory to the problem, they are doing in in the name of "love".

 

While they may truly have your best interest at heart in how they view your choices, they have stepped way-y-y over the line when they dis your marriage, and the man you have chosen.

 

They should embrace him -and support him with encouragement.

 

They should feel towards him as a son.

 

Obviously, they think you are "too good" for him -and your post only gives limited info on the past and what may have caused them to feel this way.

 

If it's only because of the common feelings of any parent to want "the best" for their offspring, or the natural instinct to want to protect you from some percieved danger, the whole issue should have passed, by now.

 

The fact it hasn't, tells me there's much more to this story.

 

Going just by what's in your post, though -my answers are the same.

 

The most imperitive thing I see out of this (the thing that can't wait) remains the issue of your depression: you can't possibly deal with things of this emotional magnitude without *stability*.

 

Step One: see a doctor.

 

-Rio

[stace79]

I feel for you...my parents hate the guy I'm seeing. The difference is, my parents have reasons to hate him (haha sort of). He's not abusive but they feel he isn't putting me as much of a priority as he should.

 

However, I agree that as long as he is not abusing you or hurting you, they should be happy that you have found someone you love. Sure, my parents would like to see me with a man who is financially well off and could take care of me. But the most important thing is that he fulfills your emotional needs, which it sounds like he does.

 

I would have a serious conversation with them. Maybe write down some of the reasons you love your husband so they can see that. Then explain that material things are NOT a reason you wanted to get married. Their priorities are not yours.

 

They may not listen to you, but from what you've said here, I definitely believe they are not right in making you choose.

 

And definitely PLEASE see a doctor...please be thankful that you have a man who loves you and cherishes you, and is working hard to make a better life for you both. That is very rare. You must be very special.

[Lost_forever]

Thanks for your advice.

 

I am seeing a doctor (in response to your advice). There is a lot more to the story. There is 7 years worth of crap that has gone on that I really feel is too tedious to go into.

 

Things have just spiraled out of control really. My mother can not stand him. She says he is lazy and using me. The fact is he goes to college in the morning and then straight to work until almost midnight. He even works on weekends. He buys me presents. Writes me letters. He encourages me to pursue my dreams and supports me in everything I do.

 

BUT.

 

But I'm never happy with him. My mothers comment swirl in my head eveytime I see him. I think yes maybe he is lazy. Maybe he should have gone to university by now. Maybe he is using me. Maybe his family should pay more attention to me. Maybe I am better than him. Maybe I could have done better. Maybe They do have a right to be disappointed.

 

...A MILLION maybes. I'm so confused. I don't know what to believe. My parents say he is brain washing me. He says they are brainwashing me. I've lost contact with all my friends now as I just feel betrayed. My best friend dumped me as she said we were spending too much time together. It was the first year of us being married and living together. I expected her to understand.

 

Can you see were I'm coming from? I just don't know who to believe. This is having a massive strain on my relationship with my husband. I haven't spoken to him in 4 days. I can't stand to look at him as he reminds me of all the things I've lost because of him. Then I think the people I've lost are worthless anyway because they should never have put me in this position in the first place.

 

I'm so fed up. So completely fed up. I've tried talking to both my parents and partner on so many levels. I'm all talked out. It's no use. So I maybe I don't have a choice. Maybe I should just divorce him and live alone. That way I won't make him anymore misrable than he already is. He's looking ill these days. Really tired and sad. He's moved away from his life in another country. He's lost his best friend and family for me too. Am I selfish?

 

Another massive issue is that my young sister who was 16/17 at the time lived with me and my husband for a year. We acted like her parents for a year. Put a roof over her head. paid all the bills. Took her everywhere with us. never went anywhere without her. My husband really took care of her. Like a brother. And she sold us out. She told my mum we made her life a misery. So many lies. She's become this unbearable. I'm so angry at her. How could she do this to me? To us? After all I've done for her.

 

It's funny really. Evereybody I have ever loved has betrayed me. Maybe I'm waiting for my husband to join the cue and I want to cast him out before he gets a chance.

 

 

Just tell me what to do. Stick it out? Ahhhhhhhhh

[riobikini]

Reminder:

 

Riobikini: " The most imperitive thing I see out of this (the thing that can't wait) remains the issue of your depression: you can't possibly deal with things of this emotional magnitude without *stability*.

 

Step One: see a doctor."

 

 

LostForever: " I am seeing a doctor. "

 

 

 

Step Two: *Listen* to your doctor.

 

-Rio

[Mistaken Identity]

If you divorce your husband, they will find something wrong with the next man you marry. My mother says the same things your parents do: He is using me, he is brainwashing me. Now my husband and I are divorced and I am unhappy. Of course my mother is happy because she got her way. I also take medicine for depression. I'm going to have to see a counselor, too because of this. I should add that my husband and I have a daughter whom my mother feels is better off without her dad. Her dad was irresponsible, but he loves our daughter. If you divorce your husband, you'll end up resenting your parents. Ask yourself this question: Would you treat your daughter this way?

[CardPlay3r]

Hey Lost....I'd like if you can to detach from all your feelings temporarily and use strictly logic here. Here is a definition of brainwashing :

 

1. Intensive, forcible indoctrination, usually political or religious, aimed at destroying a person's basic convictions and attitudes and replacing them with an alternative set of fixed beliefs.
   
2. The application of a concentrated means of persuasion, such as an advertising campaign or repeated suggestion, in order to develop a specific belief or motivation.

You fell in love with your husband, you married him, you were happy. Your parents used repeated suggestion trying to get you to see him as a bad person, when all he showed you was love. He is going to college, working, and they call him lazy. Doesn't make much sense does it? Isn't that "destroying a person's basic convictions and attitudes and replacing them with an alternative set of fixed beliefs"

 

You know your parents did all that, has your husband done anything that would fit in the definition of brainwashing?

 

Please try this exercise...imagine the person you care most about, be it your husband a good friend or whatever. Imagine them being in the exact same situation and you being on the outside looking in, what advice would you give them? After deciding take that advice yourself.

 

I think you need a psychologist for counseling rather than shoving pills in yourself, because you need to fix the problem not the symptoms...

[MoonGirl]

CardPlay3r has given you wonderful advice. Please consider it.