Falling for a friend (it's a long story).

[cynicalazn]

I was always shy around girls. I always been intrested in her when I laid my eyes on her years back, when she always used to come in with her BF to my old job to by some video games. It was a strange attraction, kind of nostalgic , like I have met her somewhere before. I was alway so compelled to talk to her. It wasnt until 2 years later that she starting to work in the same shopping plaza as mine.

 

I remember the day we became friends. I remember her waving at me, calling out my name across her work. It was a good thing too, because I don't think I would have ever went up to her if she didn't. She always knew me by name because me and her bf used to talk about games everytime he would shop, establishing friendship while at it.

 

At first I was infatuated with her, at first sight. I visited her work everyday, since she suggested that I should visit her sometimes. Also shared starbucks time with her ,even gone out of my way to purposely remembering her birthday. I started to learn little more about her, I wanted to know about the object of my affection , I started to see just how much we had in common.. alittle too much in common. She started to feel like a little sister to me, as my infatuation slowly died down..

 

I established friendship with her. It took a while for us to actually start talkin on the phone. Started to get to know each other more and more with passing day. We started to hangout not long after , purposly going out of our way to see each other. Me her and her bf started hangout as well, going to the movies with just the three of us, arcades, restaurants.

 

It just hit me one day... I noticed that I started to miss her. Holding on the phone, hoping she might call. Looked out my store window to see if she was there. Wanting to spend everyday with her. The feeling swelled inside until I couldn't help it anymore... I was in Love with her. I had to risk our friendship , I just had to tell her that I love her very much, it was killing me. It didn't matter whether she had the same feelings for me or not.. I was okay if I was the only one..

 

She picked me up from my house the day after to drive me to work, something she has never done before. We also started to see each other alone for couple of days. On the fourth, day she had a really sad look in her eyes... told me that she needed to talk to me on the phone. It was tough for her to bring it up so I descided to guess how she felt. She was in love with me as well... even though she didn't want to be. She was already in a good relationship, and she knew in her head that it was wrong for her to have these feelings. I felt as if a tidal wave hit me in the face... I didn't think she would actually say that she loved me.

 

I underestimated love because I never been in love before... I was confused... I was a lost puppy. In my head I thought that loving someone is more than enough to be with someone, but reality isn't that simple. I was going against already established relationship with my personal feelings for her. I made my first mistake that night by letting my emotion get the better of me. I pushed her away, I told her that I didn't want tobe around her, even though I told her couple nights before that I want tobe in her life as a friend than not tobe in her life at all.

 

I was an idiot.

I wanted everything or nothing.... so I thought. I was really depressed the day after.. I didn't eat anything all day and wanted to die. I even called off work. I took a long nap to forget what had happened the night before. As I woke up, I felt compelled to work it out with her somehow... I told her that I changed my mind ... We became easily attached again... Ever since that night our life started to go around in a circle. I kept pushing and pushing her to stay away only to change my mind.. she became my yo-yo.

 

It was over a year since me and her became friends, our feelings grew with every passing day. I fell into her more deeply and deeply... I had to try to obtain her.. I learned a little bit about her reIationship with him.I felt as if she was unhappy with him, and that she was sacrificing her personality . She was a caged bird to me and I felt the need of letting her out of that cage. I felt as if she wasn't herself with him.

 

I wanted to provide her that freedom. He eventually found out about me and her. Had many fights with her because of me. I lost faith in myself of being the man for her because he stopped fighting.. and descided to provide her the very thing that I provided her.. her love of art, her soul ..the only thing that made her feel that she was herself.

 

I lost my faith in her. I didn't think she would ever wanted tobe with me.I didn't think I she had a reason to anymore. I descided to back off on the night of her birthday.. the night that could have changed everything between me and her. The night that she would have been mine.... I gaved her a painful gift... I told her that I didn't think its good that we see each other anymore... I told her that I didn't want u to go through hard times because of me. I broke her heart.....the best gift of her life...

 

She quit her job because of me... lost her reason to work there... and life went on as it should.. but much slower. We always used to check each others myspace while we weren't seeing each other.. only than we can see just how we are doing.... We even communicated subliminally through our web blogs.. Her myspace became a tribute to me. Every memory that we shared was in her page.

 

It took two painful month for me to go up to her again. I thought she was miserable and felt that I needed tobe with her. Well.....I was miserable without her... maybe it was more for me... I tried to barge into her life...again....I wanted her back... I never tried so hard in my life... it became her turn to push me away... She told me that it was too late and she wants to be faitful to her bf because he was the only person there for her when I broke her heart...

I still tried and tried, no matter how much it hurt me.

 

It's almost one year since I confessed my feelings... things has been getting bad between me and her. I started to see a side in her that I never seen before.. she started to snap she became really unstable. She started to call herself a whore because of me, even though we never did anything physical with each other . I started to loose my focus as well... i started to say things that I didn't mean... every conversation somehow became a emotional battle between us. She would always tell me that I'm all talk and I never did anything, that I did nothing .

 

We would fight just to make up.. even broke my heart couple of times.. She would tell me that she loves her man... and that she can't be like this with me. She even gave back all the little pieces of my heart I gaved her. All that fighting made me feel as if I'm the cause of this pain. That I make her hate herself ... It's at the point where she doesn't even know who she is anymore, her smile faded... she became numb... dead inside...like I used tobe before she came into my life...

 

I descided that I want tobe her friend... and always be there for her .... no matter what , no matter how much she pushes me how much hurtful things she says to me .. I want to see her smile again .. I want tobe there for her , even if she tells me that we can't be friends.... same thing that I used to tell her.

 

I would be lying if I said I've completely given up ever having her .... but im willing to push that aside to bring back what she once was... I am confused on what I should do... and how I can go about doing this... without hurting her... i want her to feel okay tobe herself...even though it hurts I want to believe in her and I want her to believe me... am I doing the right thing?? Is my feelings wrong?? Were we wrong??