Lies

[sunlight]

Would you stay with someone that tell little lies so you wont get mad? Has your bf or husband told you little lies that you overlooked because you love them, did it get any better over the years?

[Lonestar]

Would you stay with someone that tell little lies so you wont get mad? Has your bf or husband told you little lies that you overlooked because you love them, did it get any better over the years?

 

Lies are like mushrooms. They grow in the dark and multiply like maggots on a rotting corpse.

 

It doesn't get better. Every time you overlook a lie, you lie to yourself, deny the deception, and precipitate more lies by your actions. If they know they can get away with it, they'll do it again. One lie will cover up another until the truth becomes a blurr forever.

 

Love is a verb and is shown by actions, not words. Lying is not love. It is disrespectful not only to you, but to your relationship. Lying destroys intimacy and replaces it with paranoia and distrust.

 

There is no love without trust.

[norajane]

Do you mean lies like, no, honey, your ass doesn't look like a tractor trailer in those pants, or yes, honey, this meat loaf is better than my mother's?

 

Or, do you mean lies like, no honey, I wasn't flirting with anyone last night at the bar?

 

Some little lies are meant not to hurt your feelings, and are harmless. Everyone lies. Everyone. Our society would implode if we didn't.

 

However, other little lies are just the tip of the iceberg in terms of habitual deception. You need to take a look at what he's lying about and the depth of the deceit.

[Curmudgeon]

Would you stay with someone that tell little lies so you wont get mad? Has your bf or husband told you little lies that you overlooked because you love them, did it get any better over the years?

 

it may not get any better and that might have more to do with your relationship than it does with his honesty and trustworthiness. I think a large percentage of men tell "harmless" little lies to their wives to avoid conflict because most of us are confrontation-adverse when it comes to the women in our lives.

 

Perhaps it's all in your approach. Here's an example. Let's say as I was headed to work in the morning and my spouse told or reminded me it was time to make a doctor's appointment for a check-up. I come home from work in the evening having totally forgotten to. Here are two scenarios. Tell me the one in which I'll tell a little lie and then read my likely responses:

 

Morning

 

1) The Ex: "It's time fror your annual check-up. Be sure to call the doctor's office and schedule it today."

 

2) My Wife: "Honey, I think it would be a good idea for you to schedule your annual check-up. Why don't you give the doctor's office a call and see when they can can fit you in?

 

Evening

 

1) The Ex: "Did you call the doctor's office like I told you to?

 

2) My wife: "So, what did the doctor's office say when you called them?

 

Responses

 

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Response #1: "Yes I did and they're booked solid but they said they'd call me back in a day or so to schedule me.

 

Response #2: "::::laughing:::: You know, I totally forgot about it. Guess you'll just have to remind me again tomorrow. How about a post-it on my forehead?"

[uleryrns]

Lies suck. And I've come to the point in my marriage, where I don't believe ONE word out of my husbands mouth.

 

He tells little lies because apparently he thinks I'm really stupid, naive and ignorant. I honestly don't know the reason he continues to tell me lies, whether it's to appease me, shut me up or what, but it's gottent to the point where I don't trust him or believe anything he says.

 

And he's all talk. He says great wonderful things he's going to do and plans he makes, but he NEVER follows through with them. He's reliably unreliable. I would say 85% his actions don't match his words.

 

And he is great at playing the victim, and always being the one in the right, so any time I have called him on his lies, he talks his way right out of it and twists things so that I end up being the bad guy because I doubted him and accused him of lying. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm not good with confrontation and I certainly can't stand arguments, so I try not to rock the boat to much. And I am not good when someone starts to tangle my words and twist them around on me.

 

So the many times when I have spoken up and all I get is a guilt trip and being treated like crap, because instead of being honest with me, he lies, which makes me more mad and resentful and because I hate the way he makes me feel, I tend to just let the lies go.

 

But now, because there is no trust anymore, I've been living a lie. I've been pretending that I'm ok with everything, I'm ok with him and his behaviors. Because I don't really know what to do or how to handle him, I just let things go and now I'm the one resenting him, hating him even, and honestly just wishing we were not together. I've come to the realization that the man he is today, is NOT the man I want to live with the rest of my life. He's disrespectful and dishonest and selfish (among many other negative traits) and even when we have tried counseling and talking, he speaks so eloquently about changing and being this wonderful man for me, but NOTHING CHANGES. He still lies, he still talks the talk, but refuses to walk the walk. And this is where lies have gotten us. He lies to me about stupid crap because he wants to appease me, shut me up and not have to answer to anything he knows I'll be upset about, and I continue to lie to him and myself, thinking this marriage is going to work.

[a4a]

it may not get any better and that might have more to do with your relationship than it does with his honesty and trustworthiness. I think a large percentage of men tell "harmless" little lies to their wives to avoid conflict because most of us are confrontation-adverse when it comes to the women in our lives.

 

Perhaps it's all in your approach. Here's an example. Let's say as I was headed to work in the morning and my spouse told or reminded me it was time to make a doctor's appointment for a check-up. I come home from work in the evening having totally forgotten to. Here are two scenarios. Tell me the one in which I'll tell a little lie and then read my likely responses:

 

Morning

 

1) The Ex: "It's time fror your annual check-up. Be sure to call the doctor's office and schedule it today."

 

2) My Wife: "Honey, I think it would be a good idea for you to schedule your annual check-up. Why don't you give the doctor's office a call and see when they can can fit you in?

 

Evening

 

1) The Ex: "Did you call the doctor's office like I told you to?

 

2) My wife: "So, what did the doctor's office say when you called them?

 

Responses

 

/

\

/

\

/

\

/

\

 

Response #1: "Yes I did and they're booked solid but they said they'd call me back in a day or so to schedule me.

 

Response #2: "::::laughing:::: You know, I totally forgot about it. Guess you'll just have to remind me again tomorrow. How about a post-it on my forehead?"

 

Oh so people lie because other people make them?

 

How about response #3. I will call them when I feel like it. It is not a priority to me.

 

and hell your a grown man worry about your own damn dr. appt.

[sunlight]

That is exactly how I feel. That everything is a lie. And from the post above. He explains that if everything is a lie then its the girlfriend not wife. So there is no point in staying and trying to be a better person myself all wife like with someone that doesn't deserve me,, well I still have to become better, but with someone that doesn't lie. I have been telling myself (and him) im over reacting, that I am just moody. Yes we all may lie, but wow not that much. If you tell someone something and do the opposite 90% of the time you are neglecting and abusing that other persons emotions. I have wasted 2 years like this. No more. I have become mean with words that I would never use before. Thank you. TO BE BETTER I NEED A BETTER PARTNER.

[Trialbyfire]

Words vs actions.

 

Never threaten unless you intend to follow through. Don't call him a liar and then continue accepting those lies. I'm guilty of allowing this too with my ex. It's because I wanted to believe the things he told me when really, we lived a lie.

 

Do what you feel is necessary for you to get back on your feet. Don't stay in anything that will permanently damage you as a person. He doesn't sound like the type of guy who can change but you know him best. Good luck. Broken record time but truly, we all deserve better.

[sunlight]

Well I did it. Friday I asked him to go to his friends. He had no problem with that seeing as it was more like a drinking party weekend. Today I asked him to come watch a movie with me. He did. I asked him if he could come home and stay home. He said yes. But he had plans for tomorrow night. Seems his buddy bought a new video game system that he wanted to play.. .... I am better than a video game. Or at least I think I am. So I called it quits right there. He thought I was being moody. Well when I havent had sex in over a week, and I havent seen him in 3 days, I figure I want someone that would want to come home to me and do something with me instead of the person he was spending his friends. Oh well. Another loss. But all is good. At least I don't have any little ones. Thank god. Cause I so would have with him at one time. Was even going to marry him.

So once again Thanks.

[Curmudgeon]

Oh so people lie because other people make them?

 

How about response #3. I will call them when I feel like it. It is not a priority to me.

 

and hell your a grown man worry about your own damn dr. appt.

 

Not what I meant to impart with the examples I used. Lying is a choice. Many men are, as I said, confrontation-adverse, especially if their wives are nags, domineering, nasty-tempered, etc. But it's also their choice to stay with them. No one makes them do anything. They choose to. I chose not to stay at one time. best decision I ever made.

 

Personally, if my wife makes a suggestion, as in Example #2, I take it as a friendly reminder that it's time and more importantly, as a sign of her love and concern for me since there have been some recent medical issues and it realy is a priority. Therefore, Response #3 would not be appropriate because we both realize it is a priority and we both know I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my own affairs so it wouldn't have to be said.

 

Your final comment would be indicative of someone who didn't care. Reminds me of precisely why I chose not to stay years ago.

[Miss Jane]

Lies are like mushrooms. They grow in the dark and multiply like maggots on a rotting corpse.

 

It doesn't get better. Every time you overlook a lie, you lie to yourself, deny the deception, and precipitate more lies by your actions. If they know they can get away with it, they'll do it again. One lie will cover up another until the truth becomes a blurr forever.

 

Love is a verb and is shown by actions, not words. Lying is not love. It is disrespectful not only to you, but to your relationship. Lying destroys intimacy and replaces it with paranoia and distrust.

 

There is no love without trust.

 

This is amazingly put. How do people become so insightful?

[StayClose]

Do you tend to over-react to things he says? I lie to my spouse sometimes. Why? Because sometimes she over reacts and gets mad at trivial things, or mis-intreprets innocent thoughts or actions as insults.

 

I don't like lying, but between that and stupid fights, it;s the lessor of two evils.

[uleryrns]

I'm not sure if your question is to me or the original poster of the thread.

 

In any case, I am not one to over-react to things he says, no. I can't really figure why my husband feels the need to lie to me, other than he knows he is wrong and doesn't want to hear me bitch about what he's done wrong. He smokes in the house, I call him on it, he lies about it and trys to cover it up with insense and candles as if I'm stupid and can't tell. So instead of having me bitch that smoked in the house (against our agreement), he lies to me to shut me up. When I've called him on the lie, he gets even more mad and defensive and starts being mean to me, like I'm in the wrong, and how dare I accuse him. His word should be all I need to believe him, even though the physical proof says otherwise. I full disagree with his thinking.

 

Or, as in my case now, he has lied to me about looking for work, making phone calls, submitting resumes, etc. He tells me he is looking, so I won't bitch that he's being a louse and not providing for his family. He doesn't want to hear me nag him that he needs to get off his ass. That's all it is. He's lazy and selfish and doesn't want to work. I bitch and nag because he accepted the responsibility of having a wife and kids when we got marred and took vows and had kids. If he didn't want to support a family and wanted to not have to work or be responsible for anything, than we should NEVER have gotten married and NEVER should have had kids. He made a choice, now he's slacking big time on it.

 

I can understand lying to keep from fighting or having mountains out of mole hills, with someone who over-reacts or takes things the wrong way. My husband does it to me all the time. I'm lying to him right now, making him think everything is ok with us, and I'm fine with him. I know he sees my body language and several times he's mentioned that he can feel my disgust for him oozing out of me, but I still tell him I love him, I still pretend I'm happy, I still pretend to enjoy sexual relations and I'm lying about it, so I don't have to deal with the confrontation of hurting him and having him over-react. I kept hoping things would get better, but they are not. The patterns keep cycling and my feelings keep getting worse for him. So I now realize something has to be said or I'll either go insane trying to continue the way we are, or we'll get divorced. Non-communication is a form of lying. And in a marriage, when there is no trust, there is no marriage.