OW should tell the bs

[Guest]

If the mm doesn't keep his promises or treats the OW really badly then sure, the OW should phone the w.

 

The only way of sorting out the men from the boys is to tell the wives about the A.

 

They know something is going on so you are only confirming their suspicions.

 

Those wives who say they do not know, do not want to know.

Why should the mm get away with dumping you or not following through and then going back to his marriage as if nothing happened.

At least he will be getting some fall out from the A, and his w will be giving him a hard time.

 

This may make him think twice before he does it again so you are doing the w a favour in a roundabout way. There is no need to be really bitchy but just give her enough information to let her know that you are being truthful and also let her know that the A is over and that she is welcome to him.

 

If the mm has been "honest" with you and not made you any promises or if he has told you that he is not leaving home, then don't do it.

 

This course of action is for the manipulating, dishonest, spineless bas--rds who have told you that you will have a future with him. You will be hurting and so why shouldn't he!

 

I phoned the bs and my mm didn't contact me for a month, but then he called me to say that he understood how he had driven me to it and he apologised.

[torranceshipman]

I totally agree...I genuinely think that lying is never the better choice. In fact, if the MM loves you he'll understand why you told the truth...and if he doesn't, and clings to an unhappy marriage, he'll have shown - without a shadow of a doubt - that he is incapable of ever leaving his W (thus saving you potential years of misery caused by empty promises). PLUS you'll have given the W the truth, and the choice to decide what SHE wants to do, armed with all the facts.

 

I really think OWs and Ws both get hurt a lot and why enable it by continuing the lie for the MM? Let's face it, if the MM was the ONLY one prepared to lie, there'd be very few A's out there!

[whichwayisup]

I really think OWs and Ws both get hurt a lot and why enable it by continuing the lie for the MM? Let's face it, if the MM was the ONLY one prepared to lie, there'd be very few A's out there!

 

See, it sounds like you are putting ALL the blame on the MM. The OW is partially responsible for her own part and action IN the affair, which enables him to cheat on his wife. Yes, he lies - To his wife and to the OW...And that sucks - But you gotta know going in the guy has a wife and is a proven liar RIGHT FROM DAY ONE if he is willing to cheat! The OW involved has to be accountable too. Which is why the OW/OM really has no right to spill the beans to the betrayed spouse. What are the real reasons? Revenge? To split up their marriage? To all of a sudden show the wife that her husband is a cheater? Well, the OW was the person he cheated with on his wife.

 

And, everybody gets hurt, like it or not. Even the kids.

[sadbuttrue]

i did not tell MM's wife because of anything he did to hurt me. i did it because of the pain in the whole situation. i just didnt think i could continue this charade forever like he apparently thought was possible. and i did not think that his wife should just be left in the dark either.

[MustBeLove]

I was thinking about this tonight. I keep wishing that MM's W would find out and he would come and be with me, or he would stay and I would know that we weren't meant to be. Either way I feel like it would be a way to solve everything for me. It would tell me that MM would be a man and be with me, or that he would be a boy, lie, and stay with W. I really wish that someone would tell her. I was thinking about doing what SBT did. But I'm not sure I'm ready to not be with him anymore, but I think that if didn't chose me then it would tell me who he really is.

 

I'm sorry to go on like that, Ive just been thinking about this a lot lately.

[GreenEyedLady]

I keep wishing that MM's W would find out and he would come and be with me, or he would stay and I would know that we weren't meant to be. Either way I feel like it would be a way to solve everything for me.

 

I understand the temptation of telling the W, I really do...but your beef is not with her, why hurt her? She hasn't done anything to you...

 

And do you really want to get him by default?

 

It is your MM who is getting what he wants, at your expense and his W's expense...you don't have to have someone else solve your problem, you can solve it yourself...

[Galaxy]

I understand the temptation of telling the W, I really do...but your beef is not with her, why hurt her? She hasn't done anything to you...

 

And do you really want to get him by default?

 

It is your MM who is getting what he wants, at your expense and his W's expense...you don't have to have someone else solve your problem, you can solve it yourself...

 

 

I would rather something like this happen instead of being a dope screwed over by my spouse. Hurt her? Damage is done and the husband has done so already. I'm sure she's suffering already from lack of love and qualities this man is giving to other women. She'll be more hurt years down the road when she finds out the truth and wasted her most prime years with a dog instead of finding someone who really loves her while she still could.

[GreenEyedLady]

And I disagree with you Galaxy, it's not the OW's place to tell the wife, ESPECIALLY with the intent to get the MM...that just pisses them (MM) off anyways...no one wins...

 

Just end it with MM...no need to ruin lives...

[MustBeLove]

I don't think that I would ever tell her. It wouldn't feel right. I'm not the type to play games, and it feels like a big game. It would be so much easier than walking away on my own. Anyways, I was just putting my thoughts out there. Thank you for your words and thoughts. It helps.

[GreenEyedLady]

It would be so much easier than walking away on my own. Anyways, I was just putting my thoughts out there. Thank you for your words and thoughts. It helps.

 

I know, it's easier to let someone else make the hard decisions...believe me MBL, I KNOW...but sometimes you have to make a change and be the strong one...but you know what's best for you...

 

And it's good for you to come here and put your thoughts out there...everyone here is a sounding board...and we're here for you...

[Meaplus3]

If the mm doesn't keep his promises or treats the OW really badly then sure, the OW should phone the w.

 

The only way of sorting out the men from the boys is to tell the wives about the A.

 

They know something is going on so you are only confirming their suspicions.

 

Those wives who say they do not know, do not want to know.

Why should the mm get away with dumping you or not following through and then going back to his marriage as if nothing happened.

At least he will be getting some fall out from the A, and his w will be giving him a hard time.

 

This may make him think twice before he does it again so you are doing the w a favour in a roundabout way. There is no need to be really bitchy but just give her enough information to let her know that you are being truthful and also let her know that the A is over and that she is welcome to him.

 

If the mm has been "honest" with you and not made you any promises or if he has told you that he is not leaving home, then don't do it.

 

This course of action is for the manipulating, dishonest, spineless bas--rds who have told you that you will have a future with him. You will be hurting and so why shouldn't he!

 

I phoned the bs and my mm didn't contact me for a month, but then he called me to say that he understood how he had driven me to it and he apologised.

 

 

I had wanted to tell xmm's wife, after revealing my EA to H. Felt XMM should feel the pain of the spouse knowing. I never wanted to hurt his W or family by telling W the truth, but to make XMM face the REAL truth about how dangerous it is to PLAY woman to boost his ego. For he will probably do this again I am sure.

 

As most of you know here, the latest is H had a lap dance with a stripper while away on a business trip. This would now make me a BS. It's been a strange week for me, but a week that has changed my life for the better.

 

After finding out this info about the stripper and then beign informed to be tested for" C" by my H, H finally broke down and told me he made it all up. It was easy to get a script for him and I to take and easy for him to send me to my doc for testing. So, what did all of this do for me? Well it flipped the switch!!!! FOR darn sure! I am pleased to say that I have gained back a fair amount of intimacy with H and plan to stay married to him for the rest of my life. My intrusive thought's of XMM are now gone. I can hardly believe it took this from H to get me to wake up, but I did. Forget telling the W it will get you know where. He is her problem FOREVER not your's.

 

AP

[Guest]

If the mm doesn't keep his promises or treats the OW really badly then sure, the OW should phone the w.

 

The only way of sorting out the men from the boys is to tell the wives about the A.

 

They know something is going on so you are only confirming their suspicions.

 

Those wives who say they do not know, do not want to know.

Why should the mm get away with dumping you or not following through and then going back to his marriage as if nothing happened.

At least he will be getting some fall out from the A, and his w will be giving him a hard time.

 

This may make him think twice before he does it again so you are doing the w a favour in a roundabout way. There is no need to be really bitchy but just give her enough information to let her know that you are being truthful and also let her know that the A is over and that she is welcome to him.

 

If the mm has been "honest" with you and not made you any promises or if he has told you that he is not leaving home, then don't do it.

 

This course of action is for the manipulating, dishonest, spineless bas--rds who have told you that you will have a future with him. You will be hurting and so why shouldn't he!

 

I phoned the bs and my mm didn't contact me for a month, but then he called me to say that he understood how he had driven me to it and he apologised.

 

I 100 per cent agree. I was a bs. I would rather be left than cheated on again. I didnt find out from him (he lied even when the evidence was all in) and the OW lied too. This only added to my pain. I would want to be told, not in a nasty way, not in a gloating way, but I would want the facts. The longer it goes on, the worse it is when the truth comes out. Ignorance is NOT bliss.

 

Some OWs wont tell because they know just how precarious their own position really is....

[NightStarr8]

Many of them, no matter how much they don't want their wives to know, at times want the OW to tell the wife. They want the lies out in the open but aren't able to do it themselves. Once they get the guilt under control again, they feel differently.

 

You can tell the wife, but it doesn't do one thing for the conflict in him. He's still consumed with guilt and trapped in a web of lies. If he leaves his wife or she kicks him out, he's too messed up to build a strong relationship with you.

 

If you want revenge, that's another matter. Plotting revenge is always much more fulfilling than acting on it. Acting on it is usually just leaves you feeling empty.

[Fly My Pretties]

So when it's all over, suddenly the wife has a right to know? All the justifications that exOW come up with to tell the wife were just as relevant when the affair was all hot and heavy, and you were madly in love.

 

What I'm saying is that this sudden noble conscience is nothing more than desire for revenge at the hands of someone who has done nothing to you.

[torranceshipman]

Whichwayisup, I disagree...I honestly think putting an end to the lying is by far the best course of action. It's the lying that enables the situation, the A and the misery (for all parties concerned) to continue. I'm not saying the MM is only at fault - of course the OW plays her/his part too. BUT many OW's have been truly manipulated into these situations and putting an end to the lying and manipulation is a good thing.

 

When I was involved in an A, albeit for a relatively brief time, I HATED the fact that I was helping someone to lie to another female and I totally wanted her to find out, so she could make an informed decision - I only started seeing the guy because he guaranteed that he was in the process of leaving a failed relationship - but didn't do it quickly and I couldn't stay in the situation, so I left him. I couldnt personally tell her, as our social/work group/families etc are ridiculously interwoven (he's my boss as well as an old friend, etc), but if I could have told her without losing my job, friends, whatever, I would 100% have done so (but via an intermediary in the kindest way I could find, it'd be WAY too cruel to do it directly). How on earth is leaving her in the dark preferable, or kinder, than leaving her to be cheated on, when I also know that the guy has no intention of buying a place with her, marrying her or having kids with her?? She's 35 already and wants all that, she should have the option of knowing exactly what situation she's in - I genuinely can't see how keeping quiet and perpetuating a lie would be the better option.

[outofdarkness]

If the mm doesn't keep his promises or treats the OW really badly then sure, the OW should phone the w.

 

The only way of sorting out the men from the boys is to tell the wives about the A.

 

They know something is going on so you are only confirming their suspicions.

 

Those wives who say they do not know, do not want to know.

Why should the mm get away with dumping you or not following through and then going back to his marriage as if nothing happened.

At least he will be getting some fall out from the A, and his w will be giving him a hard time.

 

This may make him think twice before he does it again so you are doing the w a favour in a roundabout way. There is no need to be really bitchy but just give her enough information to let her know that you are being truthful and also let her know that the A is over and that she is welcome to him.

 

If the mm has been "honest" with you and not made you any promises or if he has told you that he is not leaving home, then don't do it.

 

This course of action is for the manipulating, dishonest, spineless bas--rds who have told you that you will have a future with him. You will be hurting and so why shouldn't he!

 

I phoned the bs and my mm didn't contact me for a month, but then he called me to say that he understood how he had driven me to it and he apologised.

I agree, as a BS that the W should be told, but why do it in order to implicate yourself? I received a letter from the supposed "friend" of my H's OW...It did mention her name and told me to contact her...Not sure this was the "right"way either, but it really did get the ball rolling. RE: The W already knowing and being in denial. Well, I am sure that on some level, I did know, but it was not on a conscience level...Ultimately, it IS the H who should have the balls to tell her, but this very rarely happens unless D day is already in progress, in other words, the clod has been caught red handed...

 

I have said before that I firmly believe that the W should be told...If only anonymously...I think that the W derserves to have the choice about whether or not to stay and work on the M or leave and start her life anew. How can we make informed decisions if we are not informed? Telling out of spite is a whole different ball game then telling out of concern for everyone involved. If it's done in anger, it will not serve the same purpose...Just some thoughts..

[Guest]

I don't think that I would ever tell her. It wouldn't feel right. I'm not the type to play games, and it feels like a big game. It would be so much easier than walking away on my own. Anyways, I was just putting my thoughts out there. Thank you for your words and thoughts. It helps.

 

The wife already knows. She loves her husband. Leave him alone before more grief happens. Its enough already.

[frannie]

I have said before that I firmly believe that the W should be told...If only anonymously...I think that the W derserves to have the choice about whether or not to stay and work on the M or leave and start her life anew. How can we make informed decisions if we are not informed? Telling out of spite is a whole different ball game then telling out of concern for everyone involved. If it's done in anger, it will not serve the same purpose...Just some thoughts..

 

OOD I really like you, as you know ... but you have to consider the point of view and needs of the person doing the telling. Can you really expect someone in sbt's position to be thinking of all the right reasons and the right motives to tell the W anything. No one on this earth is an angel... some of us might be trying to do the best we can, but really... is anyone going to put themselves out for someone at their own disadvantage..? I don't think so, not when they stand to lose something dear to them (however cheap that something seems in retrospect or to others).

 

Got to expect reality here. If the W gets to know in any way at all from the OW that's something... isn't it..? Or does it matter so much the motives...? Is the information important or isn't it..?

 

I'm not trying to defend anyone here, just try to inject a little reality.

[outofdarkness]

OOD I really like you, as you know ... but you have to consider the point of view and needs of the person doing the telling. Can you really expect someone in sbt's position to be thinking of all the right reasons and the right motives to tell the W anything. No one on this earth is an angel... some of us might be trying to do the best we can, but really... is anyone going to put themselves out for someone at their own disadvantage..? I don't think so, not when they stand to lose something dear to them (however cheap that something seems in retrospect or to others).

 

Got to expect reality here. If the W gets to know in any way at all from the OW that's something... isn't it..? Or does it matter so much the motives...? Is the information important or isn't it..?

 

I'm not trying to defend anyone here, just try to inject a little reality.

well..yeah, the bottom line is that the info is told...motives DO matter to some involved in the A, but I can see your point...I was really trying to say that there is so much at stake, but I understand that what the OW has at stake and what the W have at stake are totally different.

 

I just wish someone had told me...whether it was one of the OW's or someone else...So, you're right, in the end, it really wouldn't have made a difference whom the info came from. However, I'll never know if the info had come from an unstable source, how things would have transpired...

 

I will also say that most all BS's are very angry when the info comes to light, and just like any group of people, there are wackos in this group too. I think that if it were me; although this is hard to say b/c I was NOT the OW, I would have preferred to have someone else do the telling...We don't always get what we want though, do we? Thanks for your honesty and hope I've clarified..

[Trialbyfire]

I had a session with the worst of the known bunch. It was worth a lot to me to understand what made her do it and what her prespective was. It was an eye-opener for certain.

 

There were two more that had no idea I existed and the third one, I'm not certain. Who knows about the rest.

[mopar crazy]

If the mm doesn't keep his promises or treats the OW really badly then sure, the OW should phone the w.

 

The only way of sorting out the men from the boys is to tell the wives about the A.

 

They know something is going on so you are only confirming their suspicions.

 

Those wives who say they do not know, do not want to know.

Why should the mm get away with dumping you or not following through and then going back to his marriage as if nothing happened.

At least he will be getting some fall out from the A, and his w will be giving him a hard time.

 

This may make him think twice before he does it again so you are doing the w a favour in a roundabout way. There is no need to be really bitchy but just give her enough information to let her know that you are being truthful and also let her know that the A is over and that she is welcome to him.

 

If the mm has been "honest" with you and not made you any promises or if he has told you that he is not leaving home, then don't do it.

 

This course of action is for the manipulating, dishonest, spineless bas--rds who have told you that you will have a future with him. You will be hurting and so why shouldn't he!

 

I phoned the bs and my mm didn't contact me for a month, but then he called me to say that he understood how he had driven me to it and he apologised.

 

LMBO!!! She is welcomed to have him?! Her H? This from the OW? OMG that is just hilarious! It should be the other way around...when the W drop kicks his a$$ to the curb she should be telling the OW she welcome to the lying, cheating, POS MM!

 

As for the OW calling and telling the BW about her WH infidelity w/ her...prepare for the MM to dump your a$$ if you run to his W. And if he does come back to you chances are it's b/c his W doesn't give a crap he sleeps w/ some OW or she D him.

 

If your reasoning for telling his W is b/c he hurt you and you want to hurt him back...well that is the WRONG reason to tell his BW. You will hurt the BW way more than you would ever hurt the MM.

[Meaplus3]

LMBO!!! She is welcomed to have him?! Her H? This from the OW? OMG that is just hilarious! It should be the other way around...when the W drop kicks his a$$ to the curb she should be telling the OW she welcome to the lying, cheating, POS MM!

 

As for the OW calling and telling the BW about her WH infidelity w/ her...prepare for the MM to dump your a$$ if you run to his W. And if he does come back to you chances are it's b/c his W doesn't give a crap he sleeps w/ some OW or she D him.

 

If your reasoning for telling his W is b/c he hurt you and you want to hurt him back...well that is the WRONG reason to tell his BW. You will hurt the BW way more than you would ever hurt the MM.

 

I have been following this thread because I wanted to tell Xmm's wife and tell her the truth! Early on in NC, I almost did just that, and my H was close to telling for me. In my situation this is a neighbor. Someone H and I both have to see pretty much every day in some form or another. I so agree with you mopar crazy. I did not want to hurt his wife so that's what kept me and H from telling her. I also know that if we did tell his wife she would be hurt, but XMM would back peddle himself right out of any notion that something had even ever occured between himself and I. He is a manipulative egotistical JERK! I feel for his W. For IMO she will find out sooner or later just what kind of person he is and H and I won't be part of it.

 

AP

[puddleofmud]

What I wonder about is what the BS would actually BELIEVE? Especially if this was done anon.

Would any person really believe this?

Personally, if I were someone's very loyal and loving partner I'm not sure if I would believe it...via some letter or phone call out the blue...

I have heard of some persons doing such things when a married/ attached partner actually refuses advances because they are just crazy and pissed about being rejected.

How would one know that this would actually be the "truth"?

Just curious, as it is enough for a the betrayed partner to swallow, and any thing could appeal to any one's insecurities--but how would one know it factual?

One may know enough about a person to fabricate details as to their comings and goings, other things about their personal lives, etc...

And, of course, most partners within a affair may would deflect to the enth degree as well this could even be perceived as a kind of harrasment which may fall within legal territory. And one who feels threatened may use whatever tools available... as in legal means.

I think it one thing when a very good friend knows about something like this and reveals...and a very different matter when a perfect stranger does the "deed".

One does not give up trust so easily when one's entire life, marriage, family and well-being is at stake. One would tend to trust what one knows and whom one "knows".

I would think that it would be just natural for one to hunker down and join camps with the person they love and are committed as opposed to a complete stranger?

[Guest]

What I wonder about is what the BS would actually BELIEVE? Especially if this was done anon.

Would any person really believe this?

Personally, if I were someone's very loyal and loving partner I'm not sure if I would believe it...via some letter or phone call out the blue...

I have heard of some persons doing such things when a married/ attached partner actually refuses advances because they are just crazy and pissed about being rejected.

How would one know that this would actually be the "truth"?

Just curious, as it is enough for a the betrayed partner to swallow, and any thing could appeal to any one's insecurities--but how would one know it factual?

One may know enough about a person to fabricate details as to their comings and goings, other things about their personal lives, etc...

And, of course, most partners within a affair may would deflect to the enth degree as well this could even be perceived as a kind of harrasment which may fall within legal territory. And one who feels threatened may use whatever tools available... as in legal means.

I think it one thing when a very good friend knows about something like this and reveals...and a very different matter when a perfect stranger does the "deed".

One does not give up trust so easily when one's entire life, marriage, family and well-being is at stake. One would tend to trust what one knows and whom one "knows".

I would think that it would be just natural for one to hunker down and join camps with the person they love and are committed as opposed to a complete stranger?

 

I am the original poster and although I did tell the bs, that was a married man years ago and not the current one. When I did it, it was a spur of the moment reaction-I actually called from a phone box in a train station after a furious argument with him. I just told her that I was having an affair with her husband and she should ask him when he got home. Then after a few days, the bs called me and she said that she would never forget the phone call but she never wanted to hear from me again. As I said, after a month the MM did call to apologise but he was also trying to rekindle things after telling her that he would never contact me again. I refused to resume and told him to keep his promise.

 

As to factual information, well you would probably need to include times of when he was with you, and my current mm told me about his daugter having a $35,000 credit card debt and she was having to move back home and he had lent her the money to pay off the debt. I have also heard him talking to bs on the phone about domestic things, paying the electric bill by direct debit rather than check. These are all specific things that he really isn't likely to tell other people.

HOWEVER, I am not ging to tell this bs!

 

As to the motivation, well I must admit that if she does know then surely it will make things difficult for him short term and he may worry that she will tell the children. Her fury towards him is some compensation for all the crap he has given the OW. He will at least feel some fallout from his actions and take some responsibility.This must be read in context of the reasons for telling her---I do not agree that you should tell her just because mm has said he's not leaving and so you do it out of sour grapes.

 

A friend of mine has had an on/off affair for years and each time she resumes it he always says "Nothing has changed as you can see" so that is telling her straight. He is being upfront and it is then her decision to see him on HIS terms, but at least she knows what they are. When she tries to talk about any future he backs right off and gets fed up with her because he has told her and he isn't changing his mind. So she would be wrong to phone the bs in my opinion.

[frannie]

So when it's all over, suddenly the wife has a right to know? All the justifications that exOW come up with to tell the wife were just as relevant when the affair was all hot and heavy, and you were madly in love.

 

What I'm saying is that this sudden noble conscience is nothing more than desire for revenge at the hands of someone who has done nothing to you.

 

Almost certainly true, every time.

 

But then, we are talking about humans here, remember.

 

The question is ... would the BS like to know, or not..? Whatever the messenger's intent or motivation..? Personally, I would prefer to know if my spouse was cheating on me. I wouldn't care who from, and I wouldn't care what they wanted. It would be a simple question of information handed over.

 

But not everyone feels that way, I know.

 

And I think POM is correct... a BS may well not believe an anonymous tip-off, and the OW is putting herself in potential danger, because even if the tip-off is anonymous, the BS may find out who the OW is anyway.

 

There are just too many variables in this 'to tell or not' question that there can't be a hard-and fast answer (jmho).