He cheated and now I need anger management!

[Guest]

yes this happened around 6 weeks ago now and I am still having problems dealing with things and it doesn't help when he seems to feed my insecurities!

 

A birthday party for a friend was on the weekend,he didn't want to take me as he felt I would get too insecure considering he is a big flirt.On the way there some girl was walking along the side of the road ,her thong hanging over the top of her pants so what does he do?He toots the horn at her.Then cannot see why I get so upset.If it had been me tooting the horn at some guy he would not have been impressed.

 

Well anyhow,I have told him he has a lot to work on but lately he is more concerned about himself and how it's affecting him.He does and says things to upset then wonders why I am so insecure.

 

The party came and all was fine,I was enjoying myself considering one girl there was one he had told me he had an affair with,I tried to put on a nice front while him and her were chatting and giggling up a storm.Well I'm there and he not once put his arm around me or showed me any affection....in front of my own family and friends he is always showing it.I tried to pull him towards me for a kiss and he told me NO!,and was very abrupt about it.

 

I was thinking he did this because of this girl so I walked out.Now I am a 6 hour drive away from my home,I have had a few drinks yes BUT I was still able to figure out he was treating me diffferent.He did say to me in front of his friends that he doesn't see anyone else doing it....now we are talking about a man that grabs me constantly in front of my own people and never has a problem with it.I walked out with my handbag and was determined to find a way home.

 

He followed me,I was upset,he accused me of trying to force things on him then he said something to me so I threw my glass at him.Now...i have NEVER in my life done anything like this!I am so ashamed now but he instead of reassuring me he got angry and was saying jerk things accusing me of this all being my fault.

 

I wandered off,he let me go in a strange place...I then found a place and sat for some hours and I ended up going back.Not once did he try and look for me.

 

We both slept in seperate rooms and the next day we headed back home....a long trip!He then started on me saying how I was to blame for what happened.I told him that I believed he would not show me attention because this girl was there...well guess what?I found out he and her NEVER slept together but then again maybe they both are saying nothing as her husband was there but can you see how I would be upset if he could not even put his arm around me and possibly because she was there?.

 

The car trip home we both were angry and he still blamed me.The glass throwing incident was wrong I know but he used this as an excuse to move out.He said he was scared of me....for what?I treat him like gold,I wait on him hand and foot and he cheats on me and doesnt seem to make an effort rebuild my insecurities?.So now this is all my fault once again...I am seeing a councellor,I have asked him to come with me but he refuses and says he does not need to.So what can I do?I have been trying so hard yet he doesn't see his mistakes.

 

I love him...I don't want to live without him.Everything was great before he cheated.I don't want him to move out but he says that he needs to.I don't know if I can handle it anymore.I am falling apart here and I know I need to pick myself up out of this!He tells me that I need to trust him but he has to earn it...he says I don't let him do anything or go anywhere...he wants to go on trips overnight etc but hey,he cheated remember?it's going to time.He feels trapped but whos fault is that?he should not have cheated in the first place.He loves me and wants to be with me....he should never have cheated!

[brightskies]

It's rough. And I know that you care about him and want everything to revert to "how things used to be" before he cheated. But that's not possible. His cheating behavior shows a terrible lack of respect and consideration for you. His present behavior reinforces that. He doesn't even seem remotely contrite or genuinely apologetic about cheating, he continues his flirtatious behavior and refuses to reassure you --- it really seems like he doesn't really care very much. Throwing the glass wasn't good either, but I can understand your hurt and betrayal.

 

If he cheated, how can it be that he really "loves" you? Do you really want to be with some that weak-willed and cruel? The truly decent thing to do, if either person is no longer in love and wants to pursue someone else, is to break up first. He didn't -- he was selfish, and honestly, I think you deserve better than that. Please re-think your situation. If you stay with him, he will likely think that he can keep treating you like crap, and your resentment will continue to build since he's a habitual flirt. It's a bad recipe all around.

 

You need to get yourself through the pain and spend some time without him to clear your head. Some counseling might help. Move out if that's possible. It'll be a lot harder to work through this if you're constantly at each other's throats. Also, the more you try to hold him to you and force him to stay, the harder he'll fight to get away from you.

[Trialbyfire]

Wow, what a selfish jerk. You are way, way, way better off without him. I know exactly how you feel about being cheated on and then the lack of consistent support afterwards. He's done some serious damage to your self-esteem so it's time for you. I'm not certain you need anger management although I do agree with counseling to help you get back on your feet. He's made you dependent. It's up to you to break free from his abuse.

 

Good luck sweetie, you owe yourself the pleasure of living without him.

[norajane]

I'm sorry you are going through this, Guest. The thing is, he is showing his true colors now, and you can see he's a jerk. You don't need him, nor should you want him anywhere near you. Let him go. It'll be the best thing you ever do for yourself. I a while, you'll get over the heartbreak, and you honestly will be glad to get the selfish, mean, disrespectful cheater out of your life.

 

There are much, much better men out there.

[boshemia]

Man, I've been there... and experience tells me that the heartache you feel now is nothing compared to the pain you will suffer if you stay with him. I totally understand the love you feel, I thought I would die without him. Not literally, but I just couldn't imagine life without him...

 

Please do yourself a favor and realize now that no matter how much you love him. You deserve better... you deserve respect, you deserve love, and you deserve happiness.

 

What scared me about your post was how much of myself I could see in the statements you made. The damanding your trust without earning it really hurts me, because he is the one who screwed up not you. So you threw a glass at him, big deal. He took your happiness and flushed it down the toilet...

 

My only advice to you is that you put yourself in someone elses shoes. Pretend that someone you love very much has just come to you with this same story. Your best friend, your sister, your daughter... and read it from the point of view of an outsider.

 

Now... are you going to tell her that she should do whatever it takes to work it out? That he has every right to push her away? Or are you going to hurt for her? Tell her that no matter how much she loves him she deserves better...

 

Staying with him is settling for a life of broken hearts... it took me eight affairs to get it... I hope you are smarter than I was!!!!

[LakesideDream]

I went through a plethora of uncomfortable Company parties, and cocktail parties in 25 (over 6) years of marriage. There were a few good ones, even a great one that's a fond memory.

 

Had I realized that my ex was often "on the prowl", and thus uneasy that I was in attendance I would have had a reason to be suspicious. Being pretty dense, It had to hit me in the mug.

 

You don't need reasons, you know your husband is cheating, looking, and flirting. Consider that by allowing this behavior to continue without consequence you are setting yourself up for a life of constant pain and depression.