Abused? Maybe, but what now?

[Guest]

During my 25 years there have many times when I have stopped & wondered... did that happen? But I would feel guilty, dramatic, ashamed when my mind would go there.

 

More than once someone I have dated or been close to has asked me the question... "were you molested as a child?".

 

It always makes me mad, always send me down a path of depression & isolation. Until recently. Until my sister asked me. She said that the way I always rocked myself to sleep & other things had bothered her.

 

So then, for once I opened up. We talked about all the bladder infections I had as a child. How that was not normal. How my parents were very weird about the whole thing. I shared with her about how when I was 7 I use to have vivid sexual dreams & would hump my pillow. Turns out, this is not normal.

 

But then the conversation stopped. I told her how it was wrong to even talk about this. That the only men in my life as a child were my brother, dad & grand dad. All great men.

 

For whatever reason the conversation ended. And I pushed it away. I could not would not think such terrible things. Not about people I love. Plus what good would these thoughts do?

 

But then it happened. My sister told me one detail I had never known. When I was very small, I had my own room. There was a spare bed in this room as well. Often visiting ministers & missionaries would stay at my parents & they slept in my room with me. My sister told me they were always men.

 

This one detail tore me apart. I mean I have no memories, no proof. But for the first time... there is something that makes sense. I just colasped into tears. But they were not out of saddness. They were out of anger. All these years...

 

My parents left that church they were a part of when I was 5 or 6 suddenly. They became born again. This was also around the time I had been getting bladder infections. This was also around the time that I was wetting my bed ever night. This was also around the time I stopped speaking to anyone outside of my family.

 

But maybe nothing ever happened. I guess I will never know. I really seem to only be feeling rage right now. Rage that I have hidden these feelings, because I felt guilty even thinking those thoughts. Rage that I never could talk to my mom, because she would be mad at me for even going there. When she is one that never protected me. She is the one that sent me to a new school when the school nurse questioned my bladder infections. She

 

Rage. Because now there is really nothing I can do. And now I will never get to know the truth.

Rage and confusion.

[joannewww]

"were you molested as a child?".

 

I was with my friend when her recollections of child abuse caught up with her aged 16. Since then, several close people have opened up to me about their experiences of child abuse.

 

I am not a trained counsellor, more of a rock and good listener, so I can't advise you but from my experience I believe that your feelings are completely normal for the situation and being up front on this site is a good sign that you are trying to come to terms with your emotions....

 

you may never get to remember what happened. Although, maybe you need to deal with these emotions before you can start to recollect any specific experiences... it's in there somewhere.

 

I think you'll need more support than this site alone, have you considered counselling at all? It's not a magic wand but will give you the opportunity to vent and face your emotions in a safe and controlled time and space, rather than risk alcohol, drugs, losing temper etc.

 

I hope you post on here again to let me know you're ok?

 

Jo x

[CardPlay3r]

Hi guest, what happened to you was terrible and since you have those feelings it is most likely it did.

 

First of all the men that did it to you and your parents that let them have no excuse, it's not forgivable so don't feel bad about thinking it, they are responsible for it not you.

 

You need to get sexual abuse counseling ASAP, it is free and confidential. They can help you find out exactly what happened and deal with it...you are still young you can still have a happy life but if you don't deal with this it will prevent you from having a good life...