She loves me but cheated...

[Ryan MAN]

My g/f and I been together for 4 years, 2 months ago she cheated on me with a "friend" of hers. Although she told me 3 days after it happened and I could tell she was really sorry. without me even asking she deleted all the guy phone no.s in her phone, she quit her job and cut contact with the friend. The only thing is she lied about everything that went on during that night I asked her and she made up some stupid lie, why would she lie about what happened but she can confess to cheating?

 

Worst part is, she has ALWAYS been honest with me, she would always diss her friends just to spend time with me and it has always been all about ME. For her to stray away from me like that gets me to thinking, she says she is sorry and regrets what she did. SO.... my question is if a woman is truely in-love with you why would they cheat? she claims shes in love with me but she cheated, is that possible? Also everytime I asked her to tell me her motive her response was I dont know, that is bs. Theres a reason why I wipe my @$$ after I go no. 2, so why would she tell me I dont know. Please, infinite opinions would be nice, thanks.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry my friend but she is still lying to you. For her to say that she does not know why she decided to see this guy behind your back and have sex with him is totally bull. She refuses to be honest with you. If you accept this then I simply do not see how you could ever trust her again. She cannot fix something if she has no idea what is broken.

 

If the roles were reversed and you screwed some other girl behind her back and put her health at risk; do you honestly think she would except your excuse that you have no idea why you screwed this other woman behind her back? She is unwilling to be honest with you and maybe herself. My guess is that she thought this guy was hot and decided to screw him for her own pleasure. She probably also felt that you would probably forgive her anyway. I really believe the fact that she says she does not know why she decided to have sex with another man behind your back is a huge slap to your face and and is very insulting to your intelligence. Why would you wish to be with someone who would do this to you and simply tells you she has no idea why she humiliated and disrespected her boyfriend by having sex with another guy behind your back? What is wrong with this picture?

[Sup]

A possible reason why she had sex with this guy, (not trying to be mean here, OK?) She may have wanted to have sex with someone who is more well "endowed" down there, have her orgasms, and she probably though she could cover that up. There IS a myth, that the bigger a guy is down there, the more pleasure for the woman. I don't think that is true though, That's probably the reason, but, I could be wrong. Anyway, I would confront her on this possibility, I dunno if she told you what happened already or not. I would get away from this woman If I were you.

[norajane]

She was probably attracted to him, maybe had a few drinks too many (?), and took the opportunity when it presented itself. Truth is, even when we are in committed relationships, we still can be attracted to other people...there are all kinds of great people out there and we don't stop noticing them just because we are in a relationship. However, people who are truly committed to their partners don't ACT on those attractions, and they soon fade away.

 

My guess is, afterwards, HE didn't want to see her again, which is why it was so easy for her to delete his numbers and cut contact with him. She might even be mad at him now for "dumping" her after their one night stand, especially if they were "friends" and she thought there was something more to it. That could be why she's still lying and not telling you what happened exactly and why.

 

Your girlfriend acted on her attraction, and then felt guilty about it (or was afraid you would find out about it from someone else), so she told you.

 

This is ONLY my guess, of course. I could be wrong.

[Cowgirlluv07]

It is a possiblity that she still loves you and cheated on you..I had a guy that did that and he lied as well...you guys have been together for 4 years so obvoiusly there is some love there but may be she was looking for some adventure and took it too far, excuse me for saying but how open minded do you get in the bedroom. Sometimes a women or a man will stray because of lack of adventure in certain areas of the relationship, ask her if she feels that there is something that she wants to try with you in order to make the relationship something that she will think about more then straying, it's not just her fault that this happened, everything thing happens for a reason, and anything is possible, if she didn't love you she wouldn't tell you, and if she was going to cheat again, she wouldn't have deleted that contact with him, you are lucky and people make mistakes, she also needs to heal from it...she does love you, but there is something that she wants that shes not telling you, try to see if theres something that she wants to do and DO IT...switch things up a bit and keep the relationship interesting FUN and fresh ...

lots of luck

Amanda

[Trialbyfire]

Yup, they always know why they did it. Don't believe for a second she had no idea why. People lie for numerous reasons but primarily they lie so they either don't lose something of value or they perceive gain from the lie. I have difficulty believing that a cheater lies to protect your feelings because if that were the case, they wouldn't have acted out in the first place.

 

Having said that, one mistake sometimes happens. Anymore than one and you have someone who's serial. It's your choice if you can forgive and forget. Historically, people have made it through a one time mistake and had stronger relationships afterwards, although that's not the norm.

[LosingIt]

I'm with Cowgirl on this. Get her drunk and find out if she's looking to add some adventure. You might like what you find.

[Marcus as the Peanut]

It can also be that she had a full blown affair with that guy.

 

People that cheat with frieds usally dosent drop them that fast as your girlfriend did...that can be why she dosent wanna say.

 

Cheaters have a habbit to not tell the full truth,at once

 

probe deeper is my advice.Dont just buy in to what she says

[Marcus as the Peanut]

Cowgirl

 

wrote ;it's not just her fault that this happened,

 

OHHHHH Pleeeeeeeeese

he is responsible for 50% of the state of the relationship and his girlfriend

the rest of 50% But she is 100% responsible for cheating

[Citizen Erased]

Do you still love her as much as you did before this happened? Can you see her regaining your trust? Can you be assured it will not happen again?

 

If you both want to work on your relationship then you have a chance. If you REALLY want to work on this relationship then you need to make her be truthful with her. Make her realise that she needs to lay everything out on the table so you can work through this.

 

I know it will be hard but I really believe that if you find out every detail of the affair then it will be easier to get through this. Not easy, but you won't be left wondering what happened, the little details will bug you otherwise. I highly suggest counselling.

 

Alot of women tend to cheat because they are not having a need fulfilled by their partner, so they go looking for it in another person. This is in no way the partners fault, it is the cheaters for not having the trust in their partner that they can communicate this fault in the relationship.

 

If you do choose to work through this then be prepared to hear alot of things you are not happy with. But remember that if you both aren't 100% truthful with each other then you have no chance.

 

Big Hugs to you honey and good luck, keep us posted.

[Kamille]

This thread is proof that we could go on trying to guess why she cheated forever, no one here knows but her.

 

Since you are willing to try and work things out with her, I think what's more important is trying to figure out why she's having a hard time dealing with any underlying issues that might have lead her to cheat.

 

My guess is she's not communicating on this one out of fear and guilt: she doesn't want to lose you (fear) and she knows what she did was hurtful (guilt) so she's trying to ignore the whole thing ever happened.

 

So perhaps tell her not communicating and not aknowledging that something provoked her cheating is a problem for you, one that you want to work on. I think that should be step one if you are going to work throught this. Save the painful details of what exactly happened that night for another time, once you both feel like you've done some ground on what led up to it.

[Road Rage]

It`s just the fire down below.

[riobikini]

re:

 

RM: "..everytime I asked her to tell me her motive her response was I dont know, that is bs."

 

(Smile)

 

Until she has *more time* to think about her actions, and analyze them -it's only "bs" in your eyes.

 

While you are are agonizing over her unfaithfulness, and focusing on all the wrong that has been done to *you*, there's this really sad, dark, guilt-ridden no-man's land that she's having to live in until she can find an acceptable (to you and to her) way to re-enter the relationship and be "whole", again.

 

And it's up to you to give her that opportunity.

 

"It's not easy," you're thinking.

 

And I agree.

 

On one hand, you want to make it as difficult as you can and render as much punishment as you are capable of to make her feel equally as miserable, and hurt as you.

 

On the other hand -in your gut, and your heart- you want to wrap her in a hug that erases all the past events and sets your whole world back on it's feet again to resume your previously happy life together.

 

Neither one of those are a true option, nor are they reasonable, under the circumstances.

 

What you can do: understand that patience is a "must" to get through this; use *time* to your benefit and allow her to communicate all she feels comfortable in divulging on her own schedule; communicate your own feelings honestly about the affair; work harder on learning more personal information about each other that will help bond you as a couple.

 

Withdrawing -or shutting down- in regards to talking about the affair and each of you sharing how it made you feel can cause those hurts to get buried and cause future problems, so work on openly communicating.

 

It's surprising how -if the right steps are taken- a negative event can turn out being the very thing that promotes new, positive growth and closeness in a relationship, and can cultivate *respect* in the way it's handled by each of you.

 

Not all people take it in the right direction.

 

But it's possible.

 

-Rio

[Breeze]

I was in a silimar situation....Sometimes you dont have an answer to what you did it just happen..doesn't mean that your lying or trying to keep something from your spouse it just happen. There's alot of things that can't be justified it's up to us to hold on to the stress or move on...But I never told him and he never found out either. I was also really young and wasn't finish sewing my oats either

[mrmaximum]

Cowgirl

 

wrote ;it's not just her fault that this happened,

 

OHHHHH Pleeeeeeeeese

he is responsible for 50% of the state of the relationship and his girlfriend

the rest of 50% But she is 100% responsible for cheating

 

Agreed!! There is NO EXCUSE for cheating. If one of the people involved is a dog, Leave, end of discussion!! She's not telling you the whole truth because if she did she knows that you will probably walk. As for waiting, sorry, she is the one who almost killed this relationship, I don't see why Ryan is the one who has to wait on this girl. He is the hurt party here, not this woman who has killed the relatiohsip with her selfishness. Hash it out abd figure out if things can be fixed. The choice is up to you and I wish you the best.

[Lauriebell82]

sorry to say, but if she cheated on u she really doesnt love u. case closed.

[Art_Critic]

sorry to say, but if she cheated on u she really doesnt love u. case closed.

 

 

I don't think that it is case closed..

 

My Dad was a serial cheater and he cheated on my Mom and my Step Mom and I believe that he loved them both very much.

 

I don't think monogamy is tied to love in the fashion that if you love then you are monogamous and therefore don't cheat.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think monogamy is tied to love in the fashion that if you love then you are monogamous and therefore don't cheat.

 

thats total bs.

[Art_Critic]

thats total bs.

 

Could you explain your post ? you seem angry .. I'm not saying that cheating is right.. I just don't think love is tied to monogamy.. in fact I have seen where it isn't.. I thought I posted about it

 

Now if you want to tie respect to monogamy and disrespect to cheating I would agree with that. but that is different than love.

[mrmaximum]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]How do you hurt something that you love? Could you look at someone that you have hurt horribly with an act as selfish as that and then say you love them, knowinf that they will be hurt by it? I’m sure that you have seen relationships broken up over infidelity, yeah? So you love something, but you still won’t stop doing a particular action that may drive your spouse away? Is that really love? Your post sounds sincere but I agree with the others, not many would accept that kind of thinking. Unless you have some sort of open relationship, you will run into quite a few roadblocks with that belief. Simple fact; I’m not going to ask you to air your personal business, so you were party to your father’s infidelity; was everything kosher after the fact? If it was, your statement is somewhat valid, but I’m pretty sure you will find much more evidence proving the contrary.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Art_Critic]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]How do you hurt something that you love? Could you look at someone that you have hurt horribly with an act as selfish as that and then say you love them, knowinf that they will be hurt by it? I’m sure that you have seen relationships broken up over infidelity, yeah? So you love something, but you still won’t stop doing a particular action that may drive your spouse away? Is that really love? Your post sounds sincere but I agree with the others, not many would accept that kind of thinking. Unless you have some sort of open relationship, you will run into quite a few roadblocks with that belief. Simple fact; I’m not going to ask you to air your personal business, so you were party to your father’s infidelity; was everything kosher after the fact? If it was, your statement is somewhat valid, but I’m pretty sure you will find much more evidence proving the contrary.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

I have never cheated and would never cheat but was party to my fathers cheating thru out my whole life..

I have learned from my upbringing and witnessed the pain and hurt that cheating causes..

I also don't think cheating is right or that there is even a reason to cheat..

With that being said my post was about love and cheating..

 

 

My dad was married to my Mom for 16 years and cheated on her about 8 of those till they divorced.. I was too young to know what was going on.

My dad was married to my step mom for almost 17 years and cheated on her about 12 years of their marriage..

He was married to my step mom when he died..

their marriage was not an open marriage and there was love on both sides. as well as pain and hurt..

 

My dad was a serial cheater and was capable of loving another.. he just wasn't capable of being faithful.

 

You are splitting hairs as to the definition of love.. yes you can love someone and then cheat on them.. it happens all the time..LS is full of people involved in a relationship where cheating has happened and both people still love one another.

 

Marriages that exist or survive after an affair are based on love.. maybe not respect.. but their has to be love there in order to survive such a horrible experience.

[mrmaximum]

This isn't a pissing contest so please don't take my repsonse as a challenge, just relating my experience(s). My father cheated on my mother twice. Once when I was young and another time when I was in highschool. Does he love my Mom, I have never thought about that really and your post gives me pause. I also have the joy of being cheated on by my ex girlfriend. Once that she admitted and one more time that I can't prove!! Here is the deal, your father was a serial cheater and he essentially had a problem that he couldn't or wouldn't deal with. Does it suck, sure does, but he obviously couldn't stop himself. Do I think this is love? He had a problem, he loved in his own way, I still wouldn't call that love however. How about the other people who know what they are doing while the affair is going on but choose to go along with it? Ryan and I were in the same boat, I too was with my ex for a few years so I know the angst that he is going through. Your Dad probably didn't have access to help, what's Ryan's girl's excuse? Here is the deal, if you love someone IMO you don't cheat and if you are a serial cheater, you seek help. My father's cheating just didn't just affect my Mom, it affected me and my two siblings too. I call that selfishness.

[mrmaximum]

As I said, I've been there and done that. What happened? She started treating me like crap. Here is the deal gang, if your spouse cheats, if you think there is something there, MAYBE you should work on it, if you have no kids, bounce, you both will have a lot of crap you need to deal with from here on in and I for one don't think it's worth it. As for bf/gf, they betray you, then you should just leave. To me it shows that when the pressure is on (and make no mistake, a long term relationship, marriage, and kids can put you in the pressure cooker from time to time) they will fold like a deck of cards. Can you build a solid family on that?

[Ryan MAD]

thanks for the replys, it still doesn't make sense and I dont think it ever will. There has been soooo many times that she has been out getting drunk with her guy friends and it never crossed my mind that she would cheat on me, she use to call me **** face and tell me how her night was and call me just to tell me she loves me and BLA BLAH BLA.

 

How come she never took it that FAR any of those days, she was just as drunk as that night. I even remember her saying, "Ryan you know thats not me, im not that type of person," which is true, but she still decided to follow through. She told me she got really drunk and it JUST HAPPENED; she said she woke up and freaked out cause she didn't know where she was. She also said that they were just friends and it wasnt like that, well if that was the case things would have stayed casual.

 

I was reading some of the responses and one of them mentioned her being Dumped, that is not the case this guy called her several times and bugged her at work, she refused to talk to him and quit her job because of what happened, she even told me she felt really uncomfortable attending work because of him.

 

I also think it bugged her so much about what happpened that she blocked everything out, because when I ask her things she get so upset and tells me, "you think I want to rememer what happened, it hurts thinking about it." Thanks for letting me vent LS.org, thanks for the replies everyone

[Ryan MAD]

Response to the "get her drunk" I have already done that she likes getting drunk and having sex, which I guess can explain part of it, also that same night she ripped off her clothes and asked me to have sex with her, I told her no.

 

She has done that to me plenty of times, told me no or shes not in the mood, so I decided to return the favor; I get screwed over for not giving her sex, that doesn't give her permission to go and F some other guy. I have already made her feel the pain that I was feeling by putting her down and making her feel like a whore. The only thing that still eats me up is not knowing her motive, I asked her to tell me why so that I could move on with this, and maybe she could tell me why she did it or maybe I was doing something wrong. any suggestions on helping me get her motive out, I had told her not to long ago that if she couldn't give me a reason for why she did it then she didn't deserve to be with me, her reponse was, "well I guess we can't be together because I dont have a reason for doing it, it just happened."