Lazy Lying Husband - Need to vent

[uleryrns]

I've posted before and on other threads, so I'm sure some of you have read my "situation"...I just need to vent. You don't have to respond, I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

 

We've been married for almost 8 years and have 2 kids. He is bipolar stage 2, which means he has frequent mood swings and is verbally abusive. That won't change until he's on meds and he can't get on meds until he's got a job with insurance, so we live with it. I can blame a lot of issues on his bipolarism, but part of me really thinks maybe it's not just who he is as a person. Looking back (hindsight is 20/20), if I had paid attention, or known to look, there were a lot of red flags while we were dating. I just didn't pay attention. And now, I find myself regretting that we are married.

 

For about the last 6 years of our marriage, at least, things have been up and down and financially rough. I have been the main provider of our income. I handle 85% (at least) of the responsibilities and chores in our home. I get up with our kids every day (even on weekends), I bathe them, clothe them, feed them, take them to daycare, work a full 8 hour day, pick up the kids from daycare, fix dinner, clean house and put the kids down and more often than not, he just hangs around the house watching tv or playing on the computer. Every once in a while, he'll chip in and help put the kids to bed or clean up here and there, but it's not consistent and more often than not, I feel like he's a 3rd child I am taking care of, picking up after, etc. Sometimes he'll even have the attitude if I'm busy on the computer or cleaning up, and he's left watching the kids involuntarily, that he'll tell me I have to handle it, if the kids make a mess or something happens with the kids. Like he's not a parent or responsible for OUR kids, only I am. It's SO frustrating this attitude he has.

 

In our 8 years together, I have had 4 jobs, he has had 14. When we got married, we had long discussions and we agreed that he would be the provider, the bread winner, the protector and the head of the household. He talked about how serious he was in providing a good home for me and our kids and trying to make it so I wouldn't have to work and I could be a stay-at-home mom.

 

But as I've come to realize with everything that comes out of his mouth, it's all lies, all BS, all talk and rarely rarely ever action. His follow through is pretty much non-existant on most everything he says. And it has gotten to the point in our marriage, where I don't believe anything he says, I have no faith in him, I have no trust in him and he is a complete and utter disappointment to me as a husband, father and provider for our family.

 

In fact, I wouldn't even call him a provider. That would indicate that he's actually provided something, other than grief, which he hasn't. I've made more money than him since we met, and I would be lying if I didn't say I resent him 100% for that. From the beginning, he's always found ways to get out of working, taking time off early (unpaid), or sick days unpaid, or any excuse he could to get out of working (usually unpaid). He never seems to think about the consequences of his actions and how it negatively affects us financially.

 

And the sad thing is, instead of telling me he got out early, unpaid, and dealing with me being upset over that, he lies to me. He tells me someone else messed up on his check and he'll get it fixed, but yet, nothing ever got fixed. And for several of his jobs, he used this lame ass excuse to cover all the many times he'd leave work early or take days off. Instead of being honest with me, he'd just lie and lie and lie, not even thinking I'd see his paycheck and know the truth. Or not caring. Either way, he continually insults my intelligence and treats me like I'm stupid to believe his crap. And he's broken any trust and faith I had in him.

 

And now, he's out of work again. And it's the same story every time he's out of work. He just doesn't even look for work. He sits at home and claims he is, but doesn't do any of the things it takes to get a job. He tells me he calls places, yet when I look at his cell phone, I don't see any places he claims to have called. He tells me he drives around to places, but yet I check his mileage and see he hasn't driven anywhere. He claims he looks online, but yet I look on the computer history and see he hasn't searched anywhere. What does he do with his time? He plays computer games and watches tv. His BIGGEST excuse/answer to what he's been doing, is "I left a message". This is a lie. I know this but can't really refute it because all he has to do is tell me he used our land line phone. I can't prove it either way.

 

I've caught him in lies before. I'll come home from work and smell cigarette smoke in the house. He agreed he would not ever smoke in the house. But yet when I call him on the smell, he tells me he wasn't smoking in the house. As if I'm completely stupid. It's obvious by the smell that he did, and I see ashes in the trash can, but he tries to tell me he was standing in the front doorway smoking and that's why it smells and he dumped his ashtray in the trash can, etc. So instead of dealing with me being upset that he smoked, I'm not only upset about that, but hurt and insulted that he lies to me too.

 

Then he plays the victim. He is always right. He twists things around, so that he is being attacked, he is being wronged and I am the bad person because I am doubting him and accusing him, etc. And because I hate confrontation and I do not like arguing or getting into verbal battles, I don't know how to counteract his BS. He's a great talker, a great BSer and I am no match for that crap. Yet, he's ruining our marriage because of it. Anything I felt for him in the beginning, is now eroding away because I only feel resentment, bitterness, anger, frustration and deep disappointment. I don't feel "in love" with him at all. I'm actually turned off by him.

 

He lies to me constantly. He's not providing for the family. He sits there all high and mighty talking like he's doing the best he can to look for work, but I know plain well he's NOT doing anything. Our bills aren't getting paid. The more I talk to him about it, the more defensive he gets, and the more he treats me like crap and twists it so I'm the bad guy. I'm not supportive enough as his wife and I'm not doing enough to help him, blah blah blah. He's the poor victim, poor wittle baby.... I'm going crazy.

 

I take care of our finances, and I handle our bills/budget, so I know something has to be done to pay our bills. Therefore I send out resumes on his behalf, so at least something is being done for him to get a job. Several of the last jobs he's had (6 or so), are because I sent out resumes for him and he wouldn't have gotten jobs otherwise. He just finished school and got his CDL and I'm surprised and proud that he actually finished school. And he had gotten a good job. But 2 weeks into it, and he got injured and had to go on disability until he could be released to regular duty (about a month). And by that time, the position he had was no longer available, so now he's back to temp work,where he only gets 2 days a week. That's not enough to pay anything. And we're behind big time on our bills and he talks about how he knows this and he knows what he needs to do, but then he does nothing. He's delusional. I don't understand how he knows he needs a job, but then he does nothing.

 

I can't talk to him, because all he does is get defensive and mean. We've tried counseling, although we didn't get into the financial things because at the time he was working. And while he's working, things are somewhat ok. But for the majority of our marriage, we've had upheaval after upheaval and all because he can't or won't find a stable solid income. He refuses to stay in one place, and he refuses to work as much as he can (at least 40 hours) to make money. Our main issues have been because of his mood swings and verbal abuse, which after counseling, have gotten better. Still as frequent, still as upsetting, but not as violent and outrageous. He's learned how to control it better, but not stop it completely.

 

Aside from his bipolarism and mood swings, we didn't talk much about the financial crap or his lies. I did mention vaguely that his follow through sucks and I feel like his walk contradicts his talk, but again, he BS'ed his way through counseling, and our counselor was almost head over heals believing all the BS he was saying. He'd come in and say all these beautiful things about how he was making change blah blah blah, and I'd sit there and disagree, and when I'd give examples, he'd talk them away and she would believe him. She would praise him that she could see a change, but I'm sitting there thinking, lady, he has changed minutely if anything. And because of that, I neglected to really talk about my true feelings and thoughts. I supressed them and continue to, because as I've said before, I hate confrontation, I hate rocking the boat and aside from fearing how he'll react, I don't know how to handle my husbands BS. Ir's rare that we can sit down and have a calm, rationale, adult conversation where he actually gets it. And as things stand now, I don't think the things I have to say I can sugar coat and make nicey nicey. I think I have to say them, and say them bluntly or they won't get said. I think I have come to terms with the fact that sooner or later I have to speak up about my feelings. As it stands now, I don't want to be with this man, not now and certainly now for the rest of my life. Not the way things are going. And yet part of me keeps hoping that if I wait it out, he'll change, he'll grow up, he'll become a better man, get a stable job, and be the man we both want him to be. But time and time again, and all we have is suffering and frustration and it all falls on MY shoulders because he refuses to stand up and do anything to fix it.

 

Ughghghghgh!!!!! Lord please help me to know the right things to do. The right path to take. For me, for our kids, for us. See my tagline, and that's exactly how I feel. Could things get better if I stay or only if I go?

[Curmudgeon]

Bipolar type II disorder does not account for most of his behavior. Either he's simply lazy, a taker has an entitlement attitude or he could have a comorbid disorder such as borderline personality.

 

My wife is bipolar 2 and went undiagnosed and untreated or treated for the wrong thing for 40 years before we married and I tentatively diagnosed her four years into our marriage. We then had the diagnosis confirmed and she began treatment which she continues.

 

Prior to being diagnosed and properly treated she had two successful and extremely demanding careers and raised her two daughters for 16 years as a single, working mother with absolutely no support, whatsoever, from her ex. I don't think your husband has a leg to stand on!

 

As for your bottom-line question, only you can answer that.

[Mz. Pixie]

Bipolar type II disorder does not account for most of his behavior. Either he's simply lazy, a taker has an entitlement attitude or he could have a comorbid disorder such as borderline personality.

 

My wife is bipolar 2 and went undiagnosed and untreated or treated for the wrong thing for 40 years before we married and I tentatively diagnosed her four years into our marriage. We then had the diagnosis confirmed and she began treatment which she continues.

 

Prior to being diagnosed and properly treated she had two successful and extremely demanding careers and raised her two daughters for 16 years as a single, working mother with absolutely no support, whatsoever, from her ex. I don't think your husband has a leg to stand on!

 

As for your bottom-line question, only you can answer that.

 

I ditto what C Lion has said here!

[sunlight]

We all have our problems and should not hide behind them. I would say leave. I know how it feels to be the bread winner. I wish I knew how it felt to be taken care of sometimes, although I fear that a little as well. We all get out of bed and take care of our lives because we have people that love us and we love them. If he doesn't love himself, or you as much. Then yes it would be time to move on. People that are really really badly mental get a pass from the doctor which the gov funds, well here in canada. And they get free perscriptions. So if he doesn't do it for himself, you can't make him. All you can do is say you tried. Have a good cry, and run. Let that be his problem, not yours.

[Guest]

You just described my ex-H. I put up with that crap for seven years and the day finally came where I said "adios!"