Feeling rejected...just want to feel loved.

[TheDude]

Hello all,

 

I think I'm writting this more just get it out in the open more so then looking for comments, but if you have them please feel free to share them.

 

First of all I love my wife very much and I know she loves me. We've been together for over 3 years now and married for about 8 months, things were fine until we moved in together a few months before the wedding. I convinced my self that there were a couple of circumstances that were just causing her to be on edge, but here is is 8 months later and things just aren't right. The sex prior to the wedding was amazing, we were all over each other everytime we saw each other.

 

Since the wedding I can count on 2 hands the number of times we've had sex. My wife had an acne issue in highschool and college that while wasn't noticable to me at all was so bad in highschool it was the cause of being teased a great deal and her self esteem took a big hit. She wouldn't let me see her without make up for the frist 18 months and would have days of great depression when she thought her skin was "bad" that day.

 

About 6 months before the wedding she started on some "super drug" that was supposed to the last thing she'd ever have to take for her skin, it worked and her self confidence was up but one of the side effects was low libido. I told myself that the boost in her esteem was worth it and it was only going to be 6 months so I should just "suck it up" and be supportive, and I was. After the treatment was up I'd hoped that after it had a chance to work it's self out of her system that we'd have a normal sex life.

 

That hasn't been the case at all. In fact her confidence is up (no more calling in sick to work because she was depressed, she'd walk the dog without make up on, which was a huge deal, etc) but things in the bed room never got back to normal. I tried being more attentive then I had been, telling her how beutiful she was and how I just couldn't stand being around her so much with out being with her. That backfired something fierce, eventually she got "snappy" with me about it.

 

I don't know how often I kept hearing "just stop it ok, I'm tired" or "I love you but I'm not in the mood". I backed off some. I stopped trying as hard. I couldn't just walk up to her and tell her I love her and kiss her passionatly.

 

It's gotten to the point that somedays I don't get a kiss, even though I always try to get one in the morning or right before bed (usally followed by a " I need to brush my teeth or I need a mint" .... I couldn't care less). So that was a major hit on my confidence. On top of that now any stess she has she can't seem to deal with it in a non-destructive manor.

 

When i get stress out about work or something going on in my personal life, I vent TO her and I feel better. She vents AT me and I think we both feel worse. It's almost to the point now where I'm scared to talk to her about anything more then just small talk in fear I'm going to get snapped at, or have her roll her eyes at me.

 

I really didn't mean to paint her as a b*tch which I'm sort of afraid I did. She is only like this about 70% of the time and I know it's not me, she just doesn't have the relationship/human interaction skills to handle stress correctly ( I blame that on how she was treated in highschool). One thing has to effect the rest of her life. I know it's not me and I try to deal with it by not doing to her what she is doing to me.

 

The rest of the time she is great and great to be around. In the cases where we do have sex it starts out great but always ends badly now. Sex hurts her. We've always used lube, I always try to "get things going" with her using my hands or a toy and then when we start it's painful for her. It didn't used to be this way (it was at the start of our sex life a couple of years ago, but then it was fine, then recently it's gone back to being bad). I think part of it is the general attitude in our home, but I think part of it is we aren't doing it enough to keep things "loosened up".

 

I get bj's fairly often, but I often think they are out of pity ( she knows she's been grumpy or the sex didn't go well and she wants to finish me off). At the time I'm usally pretty worked up and we go ahead, but then later I feel guilty because I wasn't allowed to "give back" to her and she doesn't want me to (which hurts worse). We both know there is a problem we've talked about it but it's hard to do with out pointing fingers.

 

I have insomnia and she likes to sleep about 9 hours a night which has led to a sleeping situation that isn't ideal. When we first moved in together I'd always go back and read with her when she went to bed and after she fell asleep I'd get back up and work or watch tv or what ever so I wouldn't be back there tossing and turning keeping her up.

 

I'd eventually come back and sleep until the morning when I'd get up and take the dog outside. Then this winter we both went through having colds and neither of us wanted to get the other one sick so when one of us was sick I'd sleep in the guest room. Not a big deal, we both wanted to be comfortable and there wasn't a need for the one of us to keep the other one up with coughs (or my snoring...man do I snore when I'm sick).

 

Well that's gotten to be the norm anymore, two or three times a week I just never come back to bed (If I go in the first place...she sometimes goes right from doing homework (grad school) to bed without letting me know she's going back to read....so I miss out on that). I end up sleeping in the guest room with the dog.....some times I just sit up and cry.

 

I feel broken and she can sense it. Now she mopes around alot through out the day and that just wears on me. She knows things aren't right but can't seem to seperate the stress in her life from her interactions with me. She asked me this morning about maybe trying to find a sex therapist, which I'll do but I don't think that's our problem.

 

Sex is important to me (her too I know she feels disapointed when it hurts and we can't do it), but I'd much rather just have day to day interactions that didn't make me feel like I'm walking on tiptoe. I think if I didn't feel so hurt I'd be more romantic, and that if I didn't feel like my being romantic wouldn't be met with rejection everytime I'd be more romantic. I honestly think that if we could just reconnect, the romance would come back and the sex would follow.

 

I don't know how to get her to see how much it hurts me when she mopes around and snaps at me....and doesn't say I love you unless I say it...or try and kiss me first just once in awhile. I've told her that I'm not happy with how things are and that some times she hurts me, but it doesn't last.

 

I have the ability to work the hours that I want to work (I have a deadline driven job, so as long as I meet the deadlines it doesn't mater when I work). Because of that and the fact that she has night class and works a couple of nights a week I usally try to work at home in the morning (which really means that if she is free I'll stop working and hang out with her) and then catch up again at night when she is gone.

 

I just want to be available for her while she is finishing up grad school, but she doesn't make her self available in the mornings ( I know alot of this is homework, errands, etc) but I'm almost to the point of going to the office in the morning and just getting wrapped up in my work, which makes me feel even worse to be considering shutting my self off, but in my mind I keep thinking if I'm not looking for attention so much maybe it won't hurt as much when I don't get it, or maybe if I'm not around as much it'll cause her to miss me.

 

I also teach a couple of times a year (once in the states and once in Europe) my european trip is coming up next month and I'm supposed to be gone for 9 days. This will either be great as it will give us a chance to think things over (maybe miss each other) and maybe get a fresh start when I get back. On the other hand I don't want to be gone when things are like this. I'm considering cancelling the trip (or shorting it and skipping the class and just speaking at the conference that is going on the same week).

 

I'm iffy about trying to track down a therapist because I don't feel we've done enough on our own to going running off to somebody else for help.

 

I'm not sure about leaving next month for 4-9 days.

 

I'm not sure how to get everything out I'm feeling with her feeling like I'm attacking her.

 

I know things change in a marriage, but I just want to find some balence so we can both be happy.

 

Thanks for listening if you've made it this far. I feel better just getting it out there.

[Ripples]

Two things very briefly.

 

Firstly, don't wait until it's completely broken before seeing a therapist. Think of it like going to the gym, far better to start working out when you've only got a little way to go then leave it until you're so unfit you can barely climb the stairs at night.

 

Secondly, make a pact with each other that you will not have penetrative sex for a specified time. Only kissing and touching. This will, I think, take the pressure off her and thus help her relax and, hopefully help with the pain situation. Also, lots of kissing can be a great way to build back intimacy and bonding. It can also be incredibly sexy if you spend lots and lots of time doing it (which you'll be forced to if you know you can't have the main event), and that's going to get her turned on.

 

But mainly, reconsider seeing a therapist now.

[quankanne]

I'm iffy about trying to track down a therapist because I don't feel we've done enough on our own to going running off to somebody else for help.

 

therapy is about getting the tools you need to better handle the problems or situations that arise in your life and your relationships – you don't have to be at a point of no return to merit counselling or therapy. In fact, as Ripples points out, it's much better for your relationship to go when you don't feel so overwhelmed by problems.

 

if your wife is asking about sex therapy, it sounds like she's open to the idea of outside counselling, and that is a very positive thing. You may also ask her to ask her doctor about the side effects of her medication, if there's anything y'all can do to help bring her libido back. Though I am confused: if this prescription cleared her acne problem, does she have to stay on it indefinitely? Is there something else she can switch to now that the worst part of the acne problem is over?

[jmargel]

After my marriage the same thing happened to me. I would joke with her and call it 'false advertising'. Before the wedding she was all over me, giving me attention, etc.. Afterwards I was more of a bother to her than anything. It was like she was ready for the wedding but not the marriage.

 

If she's up for counseling, I would go ahead with that. Not necessarily sex therapy, I have a feeling she could be clinically depressed or something else is going on with her. As for my story it's been 2 1/2 years later and not much has changed. Just like you, she doesn't come up & kiss me first, and very rarely says I love you first. If I talk to her about it, it always ends up that I am to blame some how and she lays out blanket statements.. Something I am sure you are aware of.

 

You don't want to live your life like this, the only saving grace your wife has is that she's willing to goto counseling. Don't wait on this. You can't fix this yourself. You'll find way deeper issues within' her once you start this. Just be prepared for a roller coaster ride, and start thinking about your own happiness.

[norajane]

Both of you need invididual counseling, and marriage counseling. She sounds like she could be suffering from depression and anxiety. You, with your insomnia, sound like you have your own issues. And the marriage is in trouble, not just the sex part, but the way you communicate. A sex therapist can't help you until you resolve some of these other issues.

 

Do it now. Don't wait any longer. You're both floundering already.