Anyone?

[txlisa]

I'm new here and I'm just looking for some advice. Where do I begin?

 

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We've been together for 8 years. I have a 12 year old son from a previous marriage and we have together a 3 year old son and a son that would've been 1 on January 4th. He passed away from SIDS on March 30th 2006.

 

My husband came to me and said that he's not happy with our marriage and that our marriage was doomed from the start. I'm so hurt. I thought that we had a great marriage. I had no idea that he was so unhappy.

 

We are going to seperate because he says that he needs some space. I'm scared. What if he likes his space? I don't know if I can let him go. It's one of the most difficult things that I've had to do. The first time that I was married my ex told me that it was over and I was sorta glad because we were married at a young age and it was not worth saving. But this one, he's worth saving. I love the way that he does things. Now, not everything is perfect because there just aren't perfect people out there.

 

I'm just looking for mutal people that are going through the same things that I am. I don't have anyone here that's going through this and everyone keeps feeding me negativity. I don't know what to do.

 

Any advice or just a friendship would be nice.

 

Thanks for listening to me.

[GreenEyedLady]

So sorry that you're going through this...and you have my condolences on the loss of your son...

 

Is your H willing to go to MC? First off, know that you are not alone and that you will survive whatever life throws at you...just take it one day at a time...

 

I went through a D three years ago, so I know it takes an emotional toll on you...be good to yourself and keep posting...

[PWSX3]

I'm new here and I'm just looking for some advice. Where do I begin?

 

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We've been together for 8 years. I have a 12 year old son from a previous marriage and we have together a 3 year old son and a son that would've been 1 on January 4th. He passed away from SIDS on March 30th 2006.

 

My husband came to me and said that he's not happy with our marriage and that our marriage was doomed from the start. I'm so hurt. I thought that we had a great marriage. I had no idea that he was so unhappy.

 

We are going to seperate because he says that he needs some space. I'm scared. What if he likes his space? I don't know if I can let him go. It's one of the most difficult things that I've had to do. The first time that I was married my ex told me that it was over and I was sorta glad because we were married at a young age and it was not worth saving. But this one, he's worth saving. I love the way that he does things. Now, not everything is perfect because there just aren't perfect people out there.

 

I'm just looking for mutal people that are going through the same things that I am. I don't have anyone here that's going through this and everyone keeps feeding me negativity. I don't know what to do.

 

Any advice or just a friendship would be nice.

 

Thanks for listening to me.

The thing is if he wants to leave there isn't much you can do about that but let him have his space.

Gunny would be able to tell you better but us guys sometimes just need to get away and do our thinking, that is why we spend so much time in the garage.

The best thing to do is look at yourself and see what you could do better in the relationship.

If your H came and told you he wasn't happy at least he is being honest with you & letting you know. It's better then just ignoring the situation.

What has helped me the most is picking up some books and I started to read about marriages & how the other person might think.

His Needs, Her Needs & The Five Love Languages were two that I really liked. It made me look at a marriage in a different way.

 

I don't know if it would help just to set down and ask your H why he feels that way and maybe by talking with him you guys could learn how each other feels and learn why he said that.

[Curmudgeon]

First of all, welcome aboard. I'm sorry it's such a circumstance that brings you here.

 

Your husband may well be at a stage where he really doesn't know what he wants. I would go ahead and give him his space, not pursue him but be available and there's a strong chance that he'll really begin to miss you and the children and come back of his own accord.

 

In the meantime I'd recommend getting your affairs in order, making copies of important legal and financial records (credit card numbers payment history, car payment history and titles, tax returns, deeds, mortgages, contracts, etc.). I'd also open a separate bank account and start putting funds into it for the future if worse comes to worse. It would be avdiseable to have a consultation with a family law attorney to learn your rights regarding settlement issues including house equity, medical benefits from employment, IRA and 401(k) settlement distribution , other retirement accounts, child support, spousal support if warranted, etc.

 

Hopefully you won't have to use any of that but better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

 

Your husband could merely be depressed and a clinical depression usually causes some cognitive impairment which may account for some of what he's said and is planning. Meanwhile, I hope he'll agree to go to counseling with you to get to the root of the problem and, hopefully, make things better.

 

It's not the end of the world. It just feels that way at the moment. Remember, nothing permanent has been decided so things could get a lot better, given some time.

 

Needless to say, I've been through this only it was after 25 years of marriage and we had five children. Obviously I survived it and in looking back it was one of the best things that ever happened to me because my life has been ever so much better since.

 

You'll be fine, Lisa. It just doesn't seem like it right now. There's still hope and either way, you'll come out stronger.

 

Don't be a stranger here and feel free to ask questions or simply vent.

[Gunny376]

and a son that would've been 1 on January 4th. He passed away from SIDS on March 30th 2006.

 

Its not just you! The statistical chances of a marriage lasting with the lost of a child is only 5%! The lost is too great, the pain too much! This is 99.9999999999999% NOT about you!

[LosingIt]

This sounds awful but I'd make the guy a little jealous. Nothing makes a guy want to do a 180 more than the idea that she's going to do better than he is!

 

Hit the gym.

Get in shape.

Maybe buy a sports car.

Hang with sociable single girls.

 

Show him everything he's losing and that other guys want you.

 

Tell him there's unspeakable things you've always wanted to to him in the bedroom...but never did. Then do them!

 

That'd have most guys whipping a u-turn fast.

[PWSX3]

Its not just you! The statistical chances of a marriage lasting with the lost of a child is only 5%! The lost is too great, the pain too much! This is 99.9999999999999% NOT about you!

 

If this is true then maybe he is hiding feelings you don't even know he has, or maybe he doesn't even know he has & you both need to go talk to someone about it.

[polywog]

If this is true then maybe he is hiding feelings you don't even know he has, or maybe he doesn't even know he has & you both need to go talk to someone about it.

 

I'm with PWSX, I just read this thread and my first thought was that your marriage has to be reeling over such a devastating loss. I am thinking that your H could be acting out his grief (which has an elelment of anger) by wanting to call it quits, etc.

 

I would really go for marriage counseling, and if H refuses to try this then go see someone by yourself. I really feel for you. Hope you keep posting.

[Citizen Erased]

My brother also died of SIDS, in 1990, and my parents never got over it. My mother has never gotten over it and my father lost himself in his work so he didn't have to deal with their relationship or how bad it was at home. They thought having another child would help but it plain didn't. They divorced about 5 years ago but their marriage was dead a long time before that.

 

Your husband is grieving, he probably will be the rest of his life, as you will be I am sure. You need to go to MC, and also to individual counselling. You need to try to save your marriage. He may say some harsh things to get you to leave so he can be alone in his misery and it is up to you whether you have the strength to keep him working on your marriage, through everything.

 

I am so sorry for your loss and the problems which you are now going through. There should also be SIDS groups which can get you in touch with otherswho are going through what you are. Just remember that you are not alone, problems were bound to happen after such a loss and I hope that you both get through this together.

[jmargel]

TXLisa.. is there another chick involved? I would be very alert about that..

 

Anytime someone says they 'need space' is red flag for this..

[txlisa]

Thank you all so much for the advice. I sure do need it.

 

Yes, I thought that with the loss of our son that it would cause a strain on our marriage. Now, there's sort of another woman but she's the one who introduced us. They are really good friends but ever since he told me that he's "unhappy" he's been talking to her quite a bit. Also, she's going through a divorce because her husband was having an affair on her online. Hope that makes sense. Well, the phone is in my name and I've noticed alot of late night (very late night) phone calls to her. It's like they are confiding in each other. That's alright because they are friends but I would hope that he would confide in me.

 

I hope that he's depressed and that he gets some help. I don't know how to tell him that I think that he needs to get on some meds. Now, he takes Adderall for Adult ADD. He's lost 65lbs while on that. He has a new self confidence in himself (which I love) but it's overboard. Everyone that knows him see's him differently. They say that all the time. They tell me that all the time. Like, "What's wrong with Taylor? Is he sick?" I just say yes, he's sick right now. And go on with my merry business.

 

I was married before but this time I thought that it was different. Everyone that knows never thought in a million years that this could happen to us. I guess the strain of losing our 3 month son to SIDS could've done that. I would think that he would've gotten help sooner if that's the case.

 

Thank you all so much for your advice and comments. Any others I'd love to read and will take into much consideration.

 

Thanks for the great welcome to the board too!

[Mz. Pixie]

Now, there's sort of another woman but she's the one who introduced us. They are really good friends but ever since he told me that he's "unhappy" he's been talking to her quite a bit. Also, she's going through a divorce because her husband was having an affair on her online. Hope that makes sense. Well, the phone is in my name and I've noticed alot of late night (very late night) phone calls to her. It's like they are confiding in each other. That's alright because they are friends but I would hope that he would confide in me.

 

 

Here is the key to what his issue is. I would say I'm 95% sure it's this woman. He's investing time into conversations with her he could be having with YOU! That in itself is emotional infidelity.

 

I find it hard to believe a man will leave his wife just for "space". Usually when that is said (not all the time but most of the time) it's for another person. Read around this board and you'll see what I mean.

[Vchica99]

I am so sorry for your loss. Some very close friends of mine lost a baby several years ago. He was born prematurely between the 5th and 6th mo and lived for over 36 hours. It was devastating to them. I think Gunny definitately has a point about the loss of a child affecting the success of a marriage. Did you get into MC after he passed?

 

So the phone is your name and he is having late night conversations with someone else. I have to ask, is he so stupid to be having an EA on this phone line that you obviously have access to and can see everything? That seems a bit strange. Don't most go to great lengths to hide what they are doing? Have you asked him about it?

 

It sounds like there has been a lot of change. The loss of your son, a large weight loss, possible depression. I found the information below on another posting and thought maybe it might be helpful. Good luck!

 

"[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]There are non-profit organizations, such as Compeer (they have 80 locations worldwide) [www.compeer.org] that can be supportive friends for folks with depression, bipolar, schizophrenia -- those who have received mental health treatment of some sort. They are like life gap fillers ... therapists can be very helpful, but they see their clients in an office scenario; whereas, a volunteer from an organization such as this can be part of a person's everyday/weekly support. Another organization is National Alliance on Mental Health [www.nami.org] that have support groups and such. There are other orgs as well, just check your local yellow pages or do some googling."[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Trialbyfire]

I would also ensure that you siphon off sufficient funds in some way to tide off a full year of living, to ensure that divorce proceedings don't tie up your ability to support your children and cause an untenable financial squeeze. I don't mean putting it in a separate bank account in your name....

[AHIWON]

Two things standing out and it could be one or both as others have already brought up. The death of your child and the closeness with the friend. Ask him to see a MC with you and see if you can figure this out.

 

Have you been arguing a lot lately or things been generally quiet?

[anna13]

first of all , i want to say to you , sorry for the loss of your child.

 

now .. My husband left me months ago , said he needed his space. and now he wants to move back in ( so he says right now) i think that guys do need their "space" to think ect. the thing that was slammed into my head by everyone here in LS is that there is nothing you can do to change someone's mind . when my H left me , begging , pleadng, crying , wishing , none of that had any affect on him. once you realize it is out of your hands then you can grasp the bigger picture. that is what happened to me, took a little time but i grasped the bigger picture. i too have alot invested in my H , I have a teen from a previous relationship and a toddler from this one. you just remember that you are not alone , you are not.

when he calls try to listen alot and use a few simple words to describe ow you feel . make him feel that you are listening to him ( I am not saying that you dont but just saying to really make him feel that he can talk to you so he does not reach out to another person ).

It is a hard thing to go through , we all know how hard it is from all different perspectives. just hang in there, just know you can only control how you feel . take a deep breath and give it some time. meanwhile take care of yourself and your kids right now.

[debilou]

I agree with Ms Pixie, read other threads. They seem to start out: I'm just not happy, I need space, I love you but I'm not in love with you.................unfortunately it's usually someone else that got their attention.

 

I hate that I even have to say these things but I would want someone to tell me. Are you friends with this woman also? I wouldn't be happy about their friendship at all.

 

There's only so much you can do. Take care of yourself. Don't try to figure them out. Trust your gut instinct, don't believe something because it feels better to believe him or her. You'll survive this I promise. We all do. I know where you're at I was there. It takes time for everything to make sense.

 

I am so sorry you lost your son. Unimaginable. You need support. We'll do what we can for you from here. Take care and know others have been where you are.

 

Debilou