No Contact

[Guest]

I left my wife and got a divorce due to things she was doing. When I left the house I honestly hoped it would wake her up and we could work on our marriage but she didn't want anything to do with it.

 

I felt like I tried everything and nothing worked. She basically would say no but her actions always showed something else. I literally reached the point that I couldn't take it.

 

Well, I started the No Contact and I would always make it about a week and she'd contact me one way or another, or something important would come up and I'd be forced to break the No Contact.

 

Well a month ago I went a week and I was doing everything I could do to avoid her. Not answering the phone and everything. She e-mailed me and told me she needed her bank statements and was begging me to answer the phone. I e-mailed her back and told her I'd drop them off in her office mailbox.

 

Before I could get everything together and get them there she's at my door asking me why I'm not answering the phone and why I'm not talking to her.

 

I flat out told her I don't want to talk to her. I'm sick of how she's been treating me. I told her I'm not going to talk to her unless some certain things change.

 

Well it's now been 32 days, I haven't talked to her since this day, and she hasn't talked to me since this day. I've made it a goal that under no circumstances am I going to talk with her.

 

I honestly don't know if I want to get back together with her but I know the only way I'll ever have a chance is to go through this.

 

I'm just curious what people think about my situation. Should I have been so admit about telling her I don't want to talk to her. I've felt all along my ex wanted her cake and to eat it too. Every time I'd try and pull away she'd contact me and do or say something to keep me there. I just reached the point that I felt like I had to put my foot down and make her realise that she was going to lose me. Let her see what it's going to be like if she lost me.

 

Am I doing the right thing here. Because talking to her wasn't a problem, we would have 4 hour talks that I thought went great, but then nothing about wanting to work it out. I felt like for the longest time that I could work it out just by talking to her but that got me no where.

[had3nuff]

How long were you guys together?

[Yernasia Quorelios]

My wife ended our marriage and immediately began dating. She set down No Contact rules that acknowledged that we still needed to communicate for practical purposes. At first I was an emotional wreck and begged, cajoled and persuaded to no effect other than pushing her even further away. A few months on she is still far away, but having seen her a few times I know her actions are the opposite of her words. However this may just be habit. I am coping by recognising that we all have different personas. As long as the lover persona is present and dominant while we're

in a relationship, the relationship continues. If, for whatever reason, the dumper persona starts to dominate you have the beginnings of a breakup. Once the dumper persona has totally dominated it doesn't take much to trigger the breakup. If the dumpee tries to sort things out while the dumper persona is dominant the dumpee will get nowhere. Somehow the lover persona needs to reassert itself. This is what I believe happens when No Contact is properly observed as is evidenced by dumpers who change their minds even after meeting a wonderful new partner. The lover persona re-emerges and the dumper realises that they are actually very much in love with the dumpee and return to them as long as the dumpee hasn't also moved on. However it may go the other way and the dumper may realise they never loved the dumpee in the first place. In summary a dumpee needs to understand whether they are dealing with the dumper or lover persona in their loved one and react/behave accordingly. Not easy I know, but can be done if the two people know each other really well.

[kimba]

what? :confused:

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Yeah...sorry it is a bit (a lot?) confusing:laugh:.

 

What I am trying to say is that people have different states of mind at different times - something I've elected to call the "persona". When a person falls in love their "lover persona" dominates. When that person decides to dump, their "dumper persona" comes to the fore and dominates. If they change their mind later and want to reconcile, their "lover persona" has re-emerged to dominate once again. Meanwhile the dumpee still has their "lover persona" dominating and tries to win the dumper back. When they have had enough of this their "protective persona" emerges to dominate and prevent any chance of reconciliation. Reconciliation occurs if both parties have the "lover persona" dominant at the same time.

 

I hope this doesn't make things more confusing:rolleyes:.