He says our sex probs are 90% me

[Storyrider]

so maybe there's some kind of subconscious symbolism.

 

i am obsessed with sex, yes, but i'm not the only one

 

Far from it. I'm saying that is a positive thing. For all of us. We ain't dead yet.

[Storyrider]

Maybe it spread from there to his peripherals.

 

crossed wires between his hard drive and his floppy drive.

[magichands]

are you saying this is the result of some type of insiduous computer virus unleashed by a terrorist celibacy cult

Maybe, but don't feel special. I think they got bluetuesday first.

[magichands]

crossed wires between his hard drive and his floppy drive.

This is not the time to be making jokes.

[Storyrider]

This is not the time to be making jokes.

 

Excuse me, Mr. Somber N. Serious.

 

I'm tired. Trouble being funny anyway.

[magichands]

Excuse me, Mr. Somber N. Serious.

 

I'm tired. Trouble being funny anyway.

Tired and cranky. Consider an apology.

[Storyrider]

Tired and cranky. Consider an apology.

 

Sorry magic. Sorry Mark.

 

Goodnight John Boy. Good night Mary Ellen.

 

See you in the morning.

[burning 4 revenge]

Sorry magic. Sorry Mark.

 

Goodnight John Boy. Good night Mary Ellen.

 

See you in the morning.

who are you calling mary?

[magichands]

who are you calling mary?

Don't worry about bloody Mary. Drink up.

[Prudence]

Yeah, he goads me into spilling my guts and that is all the response I get. I guess I scared him!

 

 

Sorry! I didn't realize that and I wasn't laughing at his response to you specifically, I just thought it was kinda funny given the troubled marriages here!

 

Since I'm new here, I can't PM you, Storyrider. But if I could, I would tell you that today I had a little conversation with my husband and we talked about attraction and stuff, and I think he kind of knows now that I am not attracted to him. I also told him that I wasn't sure if it was too late for us to try having a sexual relationship now, but we need counseling to discuss this kind of stuff. It hurts me to hurt him and I hope I'm doing the right thing by being honest. I do know not to make any rash decisions and to give this whole thing time. It's confusing.

 

I hope things will work out for you and your husband.

[Storyrider]

Sorry! I didn't realize that and I wasn't laughing at his response to you specifically, I just thought it was kinda funny given the troubled marriages here!

 

It's OK. It was all in good fun. I can laugh at myself (and others of course). It is one of my better qualities, I think.

 

Since I'm new here, I can't PM you, Storyrider.

 

If you want to get PM privileges, you have to increase your number of random, pointless posts to get more posts quickly. (Follow the careers of Alphamale and magichands and you'll see what I mean.)

 

But if I could, I would tell you that today I had a little conversation with my husband and we talked about attraction and stuff, and I think he kind of knows now that I am not attracted to him. I also told him that I wasn't sure if it was too late for us to try having a sexual relationship now, but we need counseling to discuss this kind of stuff. It hurts me to hurt him and I hope I'm doing the right thing by being honest. I do know not to make any rash decisions and to give this whole thing time. It's confusing.

 

How did he react? Did he seem surprised, bummed out? How did you word it?

 

I think it is an advantage that you don't have children. It can help you in two ways. For one thing, if you do decide to try to improve your sex life you won't have interruptions etc. Kids can be an additional burden on a sex life for sure.

 

Secondly, if you do decide you aren't good together as a couple, you won't have kids as a guilt factor.

[magichands]

If you want to get PM privileges, you have to increase your number of random, pointless posts

(?!)

to get more posts quickly. (Follow the careers of Alphamale and magichands and you'll see what I mean.)

I'll pretend I didn't see that. See what??

[Prudence]

 

How did he react? Did he seem surprised, bummed out? How did you word it?

 

I think it is an advantage that you don't have children. It can help you in two ways. For one thing, if you do decide to try to improve your sex life you won't have interruptions etc. Kids can be an additional burden on a sex life for sure.

 

Secondly, if you do decide you aren't good together as a couple, you won't have kids as a guilt factor.

 

Yes, he seemed a little surprised and hurt. I don't know if I'm doing the right things or not. I started the conversation by asking him if he thought he'd be happier with someone else, if he'd be more attracted to someone else. He says he is attracted to me. Then later he asked if I was attracted to him. I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't want to lie. So I said that it's hard to be as attracted now as earlier in the relationship, with all the time that's passed and the familiarity and stuff. (I didn't tell him that I've never been totally physically attracted to him.) He said, "I see." and I think he was kind of surprised, even though he has always felt that he doesn't satisfy me sexually and sometimes I don't seem that aroused by him.

 

I am pretty sure, in fact nearly positive, that my husband would want to work on the relationship. He's so sweet. He asked me if there were a particular time of day that I would want to have sex (like if I were a morning person, or night person) and how often I thought we should be having sex. That's when I told him that I wasn't sure that it wasn't too late. I know, that is really awful and cold. My problem is that I do feel attracted to other men, but just not my husband. And I don't know if this is just a "phase" I'm going through, complicated by intense lust I have for a co-worker, or if this is a real change and "awakening" of sorts at the age of 40. How do you tell the difference? I guess time will tell, and more communication.

 

Thank you for listening! I really have no one to talk to about this stuff, but I'm seeing a counselor Monday. I'm sorry this is so long and for hijacking your thread.

[Prudence]

Oh, and you're right, no kids is a plus. Do you have kids? From earlier in the thread it sounds like you may have told your husband you weren't really attracted to him, too. Is that true? How did he take it?

[magichands]

I'm sorry this is so long and for hijacking your thread.

I wouldn't worry about it. These are very interesting points to explore.

 

At least you weren't being random and pointless.

[Prudence]

I wouldn't worry about it. These are very interesting points to explore.

 

At least you weren't being random and pointless.

 

 

:lmao:

[Mr. Lucky]

My problem is that I do feel attracted to other men, but just not my husband. And I don't know if this is just a "phase" I'm going through, complicated by intense lust I have for a co-worker, or if this is a real change and "awakening" of sorts at the age of 40. How do you tell the difference? I guess time will tell, and more communication.

I am curious, Prudence, when I read posts like yours if you've projected out your wants and needs over the course of time. Most relationships, early on, have that limerence phase where you can't wait to see, talk to, be with, touch and have sex with your partner. I think I read some research that said that that phase typically lasts for 6 to 18 months. Maybe a rare few are lucky enough to stay in that zone for their whole lives, but (judging by the posts on LS ) the norm seems to be that most marriages evolve into something different.

 

So, if you leave your marriage and explore your "intense lust" with another man, what happens 6 to 18 months from now? Do you look across the table at another man that you aren't attracted to anymore? Do you move from relationship to relationship always chasing that burnin' love? Just wondering...

 

Mr. Lucky

[burning 4 revenge]

What they're saying is that they were never physically attracted to their husbands in the first place, that they made their decision based on what they thought was a more evolved rationale and now they're wondering if it was a mistake.

[Storyrider]

Yes, he seemed a little surprised and hurt. I don't know if I'm doing the right things or not. I started the conversation by asking him if he thought he'd be happier with someone else, if he'd be more attracted to someone else. He says he is attracted to me. Then later he asked if I was attracted to him.

 

If he is attracted to you though, why has it been three years?

 

Does he ever initiate sex? If you initiate, does he go along with it?

 

I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't want to lie. So I said that it's hard to be as attracted now as earlier in the relationship, with all the time that's passed and the familiarity and stuff. (I didn't tell him that I've never been totally physically attracted to him.) He said, "I see." and I think he was kind of surprised, even though he has always felt that he doesn't satisfy me sexually and sometimes I don't seem that aroused by him.

 

Surely he knows there is a big problem since it has been three years. Do you think he is happy with the way things are now? That might be the question I would ask him.

 

 

I am pretty sure, in fact nearly positive, that my husband would want to work on the relationship. He's so sweet. He asked me if there were a particular time of day that I would want to have sex (like if I were a morning person, or night person) and how often I thought we should be having sex. That's when I told him that I wasn't sure that it wasn't too late. I know, that is really awful and cold.

 

It does sound like a lot of work to fix things. I feel that way sometimes. I imagine for you (as I said, with no kids) it is a temptation to imagine just starting fresh with someone new, with a clean slate, no ingrained habits, and all the lust and passion that a new relationship might bring.

 

My problem is that I do feel attracted to other men, but just not my husband. And I don't know if this is just a "phase" I'm going through, complicated by intense lust I have for a co-worker, or if this is a real change and "awakening" of sorts at the age of 40. How do you tell the difference? I guess time will tell, and more communication.

 

I have been through coworker lust. I managed to resist it, and now I'm a stay at home mom so I don't have any coworkers anymore! In a way it makes it worse because flirting at work was a way to ease the sexual tension in a safe way. Now I don't have that outlet.

 

Thank you for listening! I really have no one to talk to about this stuff, but I'm seeing a counselor Monday. I'm sorry this is so long and for hijacking your thread.

 

It is interesting to hear about someone else with a parallel experience. Although one difference is my husband has no problem with sex drive, and would have sex with me any time. He often will not initiate only because he doesn't like getting shot down.

 

Oh, and you're right, no kids is a plus. Do you have kids? From earlier in the thread it sounds like you may have told your husband you weren't really attracted to him, too. Is that true? How did he take it?

 

I have two daughters, one is eight, one is three.

 

We have had that talk on and off over the years. In terms of my attraction to him or not, I think he feels it is a side issue and that the main issue is my withholding myself emotionally from him.

 

I think it is more complicated than that, as I've explained in previous posts.

 

During our most recent talk, he said something about our problem not being that uncommon, and that although he isn't satisfied, things could be worse, or something to that effect.

 

He has had some relief recently, as things have picked up slightly between us. I am starting to learn how to harness fantasy a bit more and use it to my advantage with him. I guess I am still asking myself if that is helping me feel satisfied, or just him.

[Storyrider]

What they're saying is that they were never physically attracted to their husbands in the first place, that they made their decision based on what they thought was a more evolved rationale and now they're wondering if it was a mistake.

 

Pretty much correct. Except that I don't know if I even understood what physical attraction was, when I was in my early twenties, or if I had it muddled up and confused with other things.

 

It might be hard for a male to understand this, but my desire to be with a guy at that time could arise simply from a romantic interest, an emotional interest, and I could feel absolutely no fire in my loins at all.

 

Of course, in the middle of something physical I would usually be aroused, but just thinking about seeing him or fantasizing about him, most of those thoughts would be romantic, not sexual.

[Mark B]

Pretty much correct. Except that I don't know if I even understood what physical attraction was, when I was in my early twenties, or if I had it muddled up and confused with other things.

 

It might be hard for a male to understand this, but my desire to be with a guy at that time could arise simply from a romantic interest, an emotional interest, and I could feel absolutely no fire in my loins at all.

 

Of course, in the middle of something physical I would usually be aroused, but just thinking about seeing him or fantasizing about him, most of those thoughts would be romantic, not sexual.

For a lot of men I think it's the opposite. Women were meat to me at that time. I don't think I had any serious romantic attractions until my late twenties.

[magichands]

Women were meat to me at that time.

Thank heavens you weren't a vegetarian. (Although cucumbers can be a lot of fun.)

 

PS: This post was 90% random and pointless.

[crazy_grl]

Pretty much correct. Except that I don't know if I even understood what physical attraction was, when I was in my early twenties, or if I had it muddled up and confused with other things.

 

It might be hard for a male to understand this, but my desire to be with a guy at that time could arise simply from a romantic interest, an emotional interest, and I could feel absolutely no fire in my loins at all.

 

Of course, in the middle of something physical I would usually be aroused, but just thinking about seeing him or fantasizing about him, most of those thoughts would be romantic, not sexual.

 

Sounds like you missed out on the pointless, empty, sex-based relationships that make you really appreciate a genuine emotional connection. It's easier to be passionate about somebody you just met. You can imagine them to be anything you want them to be. I've been head over heals for a lot of guys before based on sexual attraction alone. But usually once I knew more about them, I didn't even like them as people.

 

Now, I don't really feel passion for guys I don't know incredibly well and don't have a genuine connection with, because I know that anything I would feel for them would be mostly fantasy.

 

IMO, if you can develop passion for someone that you genuinely love and care for, it'll be a lot more fulfilling than any relationship based on sexual attraction.

 

Storyrider and Prudence, don't be too quick to give up something valuable for something cheap. Try your best to work on what you have before you explore other options. If you give up what you have too soon, you may regret it and won't be able to get it back.

[Storyrider]

Thank heavens you weren't a vegetarian. (Although cucumbers can be a lot of fun.)

 

PS: This post was 90% random and pointless.

 

Yes, next time try to be more like Mark and post something meaty.

[Storyrider]

Sounds like you missed out on the pointless, empty, sex-based relationships that make you really appreciate a genuine emotional connection. It's easier to be passionate about somebody you just met. You can imagine them to be anything you want them to be. I've been head over heals for a lot of guys before based on sexual attraction alone. But usually once I knew more about them, I didn't even like them as people.

 

I don't do empty relationships very well. They just make me feel...empty.

 

IMO, if you can develop passion for someone that you genuinely love and care for, it'll be a lot more fulfilling than any relationship based on sexual attraction.

 

Storyrider and Prudence, don't be too quick to give up something valuable for something cheap. Try your best to work on what you have before you explore other options. If you give up what you have too soon, you may regret it and won't be able to get it back.

 

Don't you want it all crzy_girl? I do. I want great passion and great sex and great love and great friendship. I'll bet Prudence does too.

 

Probably having it all is an illusion. But why is it the human mind can imagine it if it doesn't really exist?

 

And where it does exist I'm sure one has to work like hell for it, whether it is within the relationships we have now, or in different ones.

 

And I think we want to just order love like a pizza and have delivered to us in thirty minutes or less, or its free.