He says our sex probs are 90% me

[magichands]

And I think we want to just order love like a pizza and have delivered to us in thirty minutes or less, or its free.

Sometimes the garlic bread can be huge. Incredibly satisfying, but I'm not sure I can fit it all in.

[Prudence]

I am curious, Prudence, when I read posts like yours if you've projected out your wants and needs over the course of time. Most relationships, early on, have that limerence phase where you can't wait to see, talk to, be with, touch and have sex with your partner. I think I read some research that said that that phase typically lasts for 6 to 18 months. Maybe a rare few are lucky enough to stay in that zone for their whole lives, but (judging by the posts on LS ) the norm seems to be that most marriages evolve into something different.

 

So, if you leave your marriage and explore your "intense lust" with another man, what happens 6 to 18 months from now? Do you look across the table at another man that you aren't attracted to anymore? Do you move from relationship to relationship always chasing that burnin' love? Just wondering...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You're right, relationships change from lust and passion to something deeper and more comfortable. Usually. But some just don't start out with the lust and passion. I think Burning 4 Revenge pretty well got it. There were other reasons to marry besides burning loins.

 

And I'm fully aware that lust and infatuation don't last, and I'm trying to keep what I feel about my marriage separate from any lust or attraction I have to a co-worker, even though it's kind of related so I'm contradicting myself, I'm just trying not to make my posts inordinantely long or full of minor details! I'm not foolish enough to think that this guy and I would end up together in some fairy tale. If my husband and I divorced, I could very well end up alone. I'm not counting on or expecting my co-worker to ask me out or have a relationship with me, should that occur.

[Prudence]

If he is attracted to you though, why has it been three years?

 

Does he ever initiate sex? If you initiate, does he go along with it?

 

It's been so long because not too long after we were married, maybe a year or so, sex just progressively got more difficult and we just had a hard time with it. He has a hard time maintaining an erection and couldn't really get one unless I did certain things. And, I have my own inhibitions and since I wasn't really attracted to or aroused by him, sometimes things just didn't go as wished. And we kind of like different things sexually. So, since it got less fun and more frustrating and having misfires, we just stopped.

 

Surely he knows there is a big problem since it has been three years. Do you think he is happy with the way things are now? That might be the question I would ask him.

 

Probably a good idea; I haven't specifically asked that question.

 

 

I have been through coworker lust. I managed to resist it, and now I'm a stay at home mom so I don't have any coworkers anymore! In a way it makes it worse because flirting at work was a way to ease the sexual tension in a safe way. Now I don't have that outlet.

 

I've had co-worker lust before, and if things don't change, I will have it again. And I'm sick of having it, or at least having it as much as I do. I wonder if I had satisfying sex life at home if I'd be stricken with intense crushes at work. I mean, it'd be fine to think someone is attractive or funny, but maybe it wouldn't be so consuming.

 

 

 

We have had that talk on and off over the years. In terms of my attraction to him or not, I think he feels it is a side issue and that the main issue is my withholding myself emotionally from him.

 

Do you think that is true?

 

He has had some relief recently, as things have picked up slightly between us. I am starting to learn how to harness fantasy a bit more and use it to my advantage with him. I guess I am still asking myself if that is helping me feel satisfied, or just him.

 

Good question. It might take a while to find out. You must really love him to put yourself in to making changes and really trying. I'm sure you're thinking of your daughters, too, and not wanting to disrupt their whole lives. Do they know that you and your husband are having issues or a rough patch? Does anyone in your family know? No one in mine does yet, mainly because it's new and also I don't really want to hear what they'll have to say right now.

[Prudence]

IMO, if you can develop passion for someone that you genuinely love and care for, it'll be a lot more fulfilling than any relationship based on sexual attraction.

 

Storyrider and Prudence, don't be too quick to give up something valuable for something cheap. Try your best to work on what you have before you explore other options. If you give up what you have too soon, you may regret it and won't be able to get it back.

 

Hi crazy_grl,

 

Do you really think passion can be developed if it isn't there? Can you force yourself or convince yourself to desire someone's touch and kiss?

 

Thanks for your encouragement to trying working things out. It sounds like Storyrider is trying and we are hopefully going to MC. It's true that it would be a shame to rashly give up something.

 

Don't you want it all crzy_girl? I do. I want great passion and great sex and great love and great friendship. I'll bet Prudence does too.

 

Probably having it all is an illusion. But why is it the human mind can imagine it if it doesn't really exist?

 

Yeah! What a cruel trick to imagine something that doesn't exist!

 

And where it does exist I'm sure one has to work like hell for it, whether it is within the relationships we have now, or in different ones.

 

And I think we want to just order love like a pizza and have delivered to us in thirty minutes or less, or its free.

 

The therapist I recently saw told me that in her experience, the couples that have the most passionate sex lives were also the most volatile couples. Couples would fight and then have hot make-up sex. Part of their passion was based on them being unsure if they'd get back together or not. I thought that was totally fascinating.

[crazy_grl]

Don't you want it all crzy_girl? I do. I want great passion and great sex and great love and great friendship. I'll bet Prudence does too.

 

Of course, but I've had my fair share of passionate sex with guys who were unhealthy for me, who turned out not to really give a cr*p about me and/or who weren't even good people. So to me, it doesn't have as much value as a real emotional connection with someone you love. I'd just hate for you or Prudence to leave your marriages looking for passion only to end up coming to the same conclusion as I have and regret giving up what you had.

 

Probably having it all is an illusion. But why is it the human mind can imagine it if it doesn't really exist?

 

And where it does exist I'm sure one has to work like hell for it, whether it is within the relationships we have now, or in different ones.

 

And I think we want to just order love like a pizza and have delivered to us in thirty minutes or less, or its free.

 

I don't think it's an illusion at all. That's why I stay with the guy I'm seeing now. He's a great person. I can talk to him and feel an emotional connection yet still feel passionate, without it being volatile, unhealthy passion. It has potential to be long-lasting and wonderful... even though I do fear that trust issues might kill things.

 

BTW Storyrider, your description of your H made him sound hot.

[crazy_grl]

Do you really think passion can be developed if it isn't there? Can you force yourself or convince yourself to desire someone's touch and kiss?

 

I really think that attraction is all a matter of perspective.

 

I've had attractions go back and forth where at one point I was totally into someone, having dreams about them to having no attraction to that person at all. Back and forth over a long period of time. If that kind of thing can happen for me, I don't see why it couldn't be possible for other people. I know I'm different, but I don't think I'm that different from everybody else.

 

Though one main difference I've noticed between others and myself is that other people tend to be more rigid in their thinking. They make an evaluation of someone or something and stick to that evaluation. I tend to re-examine things more without forming a concrete opinion (which can sometimes be a major drawback, because people can see me as I'm wishy-washy).

 

So what that lengthy bit of rambling all comes down to is maybe you just need to look at your husband from a different perspective.

 

Thanks for your encouragement to trying working things out. It sounds like Storyrider is trying and we are hopefully going to MC. It's true that it would be a shame to rashly give up something.

 

I'm glad both of you are going to try to work on things. Though I do realize that there will have to come a point when you need to consider whether the amount of work you're putting in is worth the payout, but until you've at least tried MC, I don't think either of you are at that point yet.

 

The therapist I recently saw told me that in her experience, the couples that have the most passionate sex lives were also the most volatile couples. Couples would fight and then have hot make-up sex. Part of their passion was based on them being unsure if they'd get back together or not. I thought that was totally fascinating.

 

Funny you should mention that, because I was wondering what you'd do if your H came home and said he wanted a divorce. What if he said he was seeing another woman? Picture that in your head. Would you be relieved or would you be upset and angry (passionate)? What would the possibility of losing him do to you?

[Prudence]

 

Funny you should mention that, because I was wondering what you'd do if your H came home and said he wanted a divorce. What if he said he was seeing another woman? Picture that in your head. Would you be relieved or would you be upset and angry (passionate)? What would the possibility of losing him do to you?

 

In my imagination, it would be a relief. In reality, I wouldn't know until it happened.

 

I understand where you're coming from about having an emotional connection with someone who cares about you and is a good person versus having passion with someone who is crappy or doesn't care. Perhaps I've been fortunate enough to have more of the caring relationships than passionate ones with creeps! Although I don't want any creeps. But maybe my experiences have been more the opposite of yours.

 

I'm glad you have a great relationship now!

[Storyrider]

It's been so long because not too long after we were married, maybe a year or so, sex just progressively got more difficult and we just had a hard time with it. He has a hard time maintaining an erection and couldn't really get one unless I did certain things. And, I have my own inhibitions and since I wasn't really attracted to or aroused by him, sometimes things just didn't go as wished. And we kind of like different things sexually. So, since it got less fun and more frustrating and having misfires, we just stopped.

 

This makes it sound like you have physiological and psychological incompatibilities. That complicates things. I can see why you're both frustrated.

 

I've had co-worker lust before, and if things don't change, I will have it again. And I'm sick of having it, or at least having it as much as I do. I wonder if I had satisfying sex life at home if I'd be stricken with intense crushes at work. I mean, it'd be fine to think someone is attractive or funny, but maybe it wouldn't be so consuming.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I feel grateful I didn't act on mine.

 

You must really love him to put yourself in to making changes and really trying. I'm sure you're thinking of your daughters, too, and not wanting to disrupt their whole lives. Do they know that you and your husband are having issues or a rough patch? Does anyone in your family know? No one in mine does yet, mainly because it's new and also I don't really want to hear what they'll have to say right now.

 

I have friends who know. They agree that from their outside perspective we have had some incompatibilities from the beginning.

 

Actually, when I got together with my husband, I had to do a lot of "selling" of him to my friends and family. I was a liberal, Jewish, artsy, free spirit. He was a politically conservative Catholic from a military family. Now most of them get him and really like him.

 

The therapist I recently saw told me that in her experience, the couples that have the most passionate sex lives were also the most volatile couples. Couples would fight and then have hot make-up sex. Part of their passion was based on them being unsure if they'd get back together or not. I thought that was totally fascinating.

 

That is fascinating. With the man I dated right before my husband, things were volatile like that. And sexy. But I didn't see myself married to him.

 

BTW Storyrider, your description of your H made him sound hot.

 

Haha. I missed this the first time I read your reply. Which part? A short Topher Grace with bushy eyebrows?!

 

I really think that attraction is all a matter of perspective.

I've had attractions go back and forth where at one point I was totally into someone, having dreams about them to having no attraction to that person at all. Back and forth over a long period of time. If that kind of thing can happen for me, I don't see why it couldn't be possible for other people. I know I'm different, but I don't think I'm that different from everybody else.

 

So what that lengthy bit of rambling all comes down to is maybe you just need to look at your husband from a different perspective.

 

The funny thing is, I feel like I look at him from different perspectives depending on what time of day it is, what time of month it is, and whether there is a full moon!

 

Poor guy. Sometimes I think, "God, he is so smart, and he's so hard working and generous, and he has killer cheekbones and great teeth and really sexy legs!"

 

And then twenty minutes later I could be thinking, "Why the hell do the arms of his shirt look like they are empty? Where are this guy's f*cking arms? And why doesn't he get any of my jokes? And why does he pronounce nuclear like George Bush?"

 

Funny you should mention that, because I was wondering what you'd do if your H came home and said he wanted a divorce. What if he said he was seeing another woman? Picture that in your head. Would you be relieved or would you be upset and angry (passionate)? What would the possibility of losing him do to you?

 

Sometimes I wish my whole family would be swept away by a cyclone like Dorothy and I could start over from scratch. Of course if that really happened I'm sure I would be devastated.

[Storyrider]

even though I do fear that trust issues might kill things.

 

Are you referring to him not trusting you due to his past, as you mentioned briefly?

 

I had trust problems in several of the relationships before I met my husband, had my heart stomped on pretty hard a couple of times.

 

It did affect my self esteem, and almost made me think there was no such thing as trust. When I met my husband and he proved himself to be trustworthy time and time again, he restored my faith that it is possible to count on someone. I felt like I needed to hang onto him because of that. Looking around me, I just didn't think the chances of finding someone else with that kind of integrity were very high.

 

I actually trust him more than I trust myself.

[crazy_grl]

Although I don't want any creeps. But maybe my experiences have been more the opposite of yours.

 

I think that's true. You're fortunate, because in my experience, most are creeps. There are a lot of wolves in sheeps clothing out there.

 

I'm glad you have a great relationship now!

 

Thanks!

[crazy_grl]

Haha. I missed this the first time I read your reply. Which part? A short Topher Grace with bushy eyebrows?!

 

Topher Grace is a hot guy.

 

And why does he pronounce nuclear like George Bush?"

 

Oh my. Well that would be a turn off.

 

Are you referring to him not trusting you due to his past, as you mentioned briefly?

 

Yes, mostly. I do have some trust issues myself, but I don't project them onto him. I think the majority of guys are either self-centered jerks, totally screwed up, or taken. I see him as more of an exception to the rule. I trust him, but he says things that make it seem like he doesn't trust me very much.

 

It did affect my self esteem, and almost made me think there was no such thing as trust. When I met my husband and he proved himself to be trustworthy time and time again, he restored my faith that it is possible to count on someone. I felt like I needed to hang onto him because of that.

 

I know this isn't how you feel about it, but that sounds so romantic and wonderful to me. I'd love to have that.

 

Looking around me, I just didn't think the chances of finding someone else with that kind of integrity were very high.

 

I agree with that. I've met very few guys with high integrity, and the majority of them were on this forum. I remember being horribly disgusted with guys around 6 months ago because of the number of married/engaged guys who were hitting on me. Ugh.

[Storyrider]

I know this isn't how you feel about it, but that sounds so romantic and wonderful to me. I'd love to have that.

 

It is romantic. Maybe I just need to get back in touch with my initial feelings that he was a kind of hero to me. It is easy to take something for granted when you have it as a given for twelve years.

[Prudence]

 

 

And then twenty minutes later I could be thinking, "Why the hell do the arms of his shirt look like they are empty? Where are this guy's f*cking arms? And why doesn't he get any of my jokes? And why does he pronounce nuclear like George Bush?"

 

 

 

Hee hee! You know I'm laughing with you, right? That just made me laugh.

 

I saw another therapist today (I don't usually see multiple therapists, it's just an insurance-type thing). She asked me to think about where I would want to be or what I would want if there were no one to judge me, no one to say "Shame on you" or "You didn't try hard enough", "You didn't try this___". You know, just, where do I want to be? She said that would help give me some clarity, if I could figure that out. I don't really have an answer yet. But I wanted to share it with you in case it helps you, too.

 

She asked me earlier what would be like my dream or ideal thing to happen, and I said to divorce my husband and date my co-worker, but, I don't think that's exactly the same question as above, it was just a reflex answer and it could be different in a month.

 

I hope you can talk to a counselor or therapist, Storyrider.

[suchislife]

What concerns me is the title of your post. 90% your fault? I don't think so.

 

It just makes me feel like there is a bit of a control issue going on here. I didn't read all the posts, so I could be wrong, but that's the red flag I see.

[Storyrider]

Hee hee! You know I'm laughing with you, right? That just made me laugh.

 

Laugh away! I'm laughing too.

 

I saw another therapist today (I don't usually see multiple therapists, it's just an insurance-type thing). She asked me to think about where I would want to be or what I would want if there were no one to judge me, no one to say "Shame on you" or "You didn't try hard enough", "You didn't try this___". You know, just, where do I want to be? She said that would help give me some clarity, if I could figure that out. I don't really have an answer yet. But I wanted to share it with you in case it helps you, too.

 

Interesting, because my husband sees many things in moral terms, in terms of right and wrong, and I probably think much more in moral terms than I used to because of his influence.

 

I guess that is slightly different than the issue of judging or blaming oneself, which can also be overkill even if there are some moral issues at stake.

 

She asked me earlier what would be like my dream or ideal thing to happen, and I said to divorce my husband and date my co-worker, but, I don't think that's exactly the same question as above, it was just a reflex answer and it could be different in a month.

 

Yeah, I sometimes worry that I'm addicted to falling in love and/or in lust, rather than wanting the long term steadiness of being in a relationship. I love interacting with men, I love working with men, which I don't do right now. I'm pretty much just around other moms.

 

Even having more male friendships might help to diffuse the frustration I'm feeling. Although, to be honest, it never helped our sex life at all!! I think I just felt more satisfied while he felt as dissatisfied as ever!

 

I hope you can talk to a counselor or therapist, Storyrider.

 

I really want to. Right now I have some other medical/financial issues with me and my kids that are a higher priority, and I think if I wait till they get taken care of, my H. will be more willing to go along with it. He isn't that big on therapy, as I think I've mentioned. It might be closer to summer by the time I can make it happen, though.

 

What concerns me is the title of your post. 90% your fault? I don't think so. It just makes me feel like there is a bit of a control issue going on here. I didn't read all the posts, so I could be wrong, but that's the red flag I see.

 

It is because he sees my withholding sex as a moral problem I need to work through. He feels that if I were to give myself completely to him as a wife should, then I would want to give sex freely to him as well.

[serial muse]

Hi Storyrider. Wow. Okay, here's my stab at a response...

 

Well, you don’t sound asexual at all to me. And this problem really doesn’t sound like it’s 90% you.

 

But it does sound like you’re inclined to accept all the blame for it, because a. you like thinking of him as being right; and b. you feel so guilty for not being attracted to him – even though in your heart of hearts you know that’s not really your fault.

 

I’ve seen you pose multiple theories about what might be wrong with you, how you might be emotionally stunted, etc. etc. But honestly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, fundamentally. I think you have just developed a long-term habit of not being honest with your husband about things you think that contradict things he thinks - because you liked him being the one who was in control, and because you also tended to trust his opinion more than your own.

 

You said, at one point, that you want to return to thinking of him as a “hero” because that might bring back the attraction. But living with someone for many years really gets in the way of idealizing them. Maybe, instead, you should try being more honest with each other – you don’t need to be ashamed of what your needs are, and you REALLY don’t want him to TELL you what they are. Because, smart as he is, he actually doesn’t know what they are. He doesn’t have all the facts, for one thing, but he’s also not in your head, and however herolike he may have ever been to you, spiritually and emotionally, you don’t have to accept his words as truth. You’re a smart chick, and you do know yourself better than he does. Trust that.

 

I don’t know, just reading what you’ve written makes me so frustrated for you. It’s a shame that you feel like you can’t talk to him about what’s really wrong – your attraction for him – and so, as he is apparently wont to do, he imposes his own theories onto you about what you’re feeling. That kind of “telling you about yourself” thing can be really annoying, particularly when you know perfectly well that he’s wrong. It sounds like that relationship has been present since the beginning – he guided you, you trusted his opinion, and even though you know he’s wrong about this, you don’t feel comfortable contradicting him.

 

The problem is, I think he really knows he’s wrong, too, but until you contradict him with the truth, he isn’t likely to face it. He sounds like a guy who prefers to maintain control over his emotions and environment, and you not being attracted to him is something way out of his control, which I’m sure scares the bejeezus out of him.

 

So…deep-down, he knows you aren’t attracted to him, and that’s his way of lashing out in resentment, is my take on it. I have to say, though, that from what you’ve said he sometimes says to you, I would feel resentful of him, too. Putting all the issue onto you, for example, indicates a deep insecurity within himself. It’d be far more attractive of him, I think, if he were to confront the issues more directly, and talk to you about what he can do to improve things. You say he’ll do whatever you ask in the bedroom – and yet he is unresponsive to what you’ve already stated are the actual issues, the physical things you’ve hinted you find unattractive – things which he could actually do something about.

 

You guys need to figure out how to communicate through your fears. You’re tiptoeing around each other. I suspect he hasn’t pried further because he kind of is afraid of the answer – even though he already knows it. And I know you don’t want to hurt him, but you are anyway, and he’s stifling you and blaming you anyway. No wonder there’s so much resentment between you, and so little attraction.

 

Okay, and that's enough armchair theorizing from me.

[Mustang Sally]

Serial Muse:

I know your post was aimed at Storyrider, it is her thread after all. But I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your post. I think it is a most relevant bit of insight.

 

Not to hijack this thread, but maybe as a sideline in this thread: so if your proposed assessment is correct, then what do folks think is the best course of action for a couple who find themselves in this situation? Work to try to come to terms with the feelings/lack of feelings in the relationship? Or acknowledge aforementioned incompatibilities (the old "irreconcilable differences"), cut their losses and move on? I'm presuming that children are involved.

[Storyrider]

serial muse. Thanks. I just spent a long time replying to your post and Explorer went buggy and kicked me off. I lost my post.

 

So, sorry this is brief. I really appreciate your sentiment that I shouldn't let him tell me how I feel. I do think I have told myself a story that isn't true, about how he knows me better than myself. It has been a comforting story in the past but now it is starting to bind. You are spot on about that.

 

What I do think he is right about is that the physical things about him that bug me are a mask for the real issue. I have very, very strong reason to believe that physical/aesthetic issues would fall into place with a strong sexual connection. If we were sexually bonded as we should be then everything that bugs me about him would be endearing. Or most things. I truly believe that. The physical appeal would follow from the sexual connection. Not the other way around.

 

It is the sexual connection that is missing and that was never fully there.

[crazy_grl]

What I do think he is right about is that the physical things about him that bug me are a mask for the real issue. I have very, very strong reason to believe that physical/aesthetic issues would fall into place with a strong sexual connection. If we were sexually bonded as we should be then everything that bugs me about him would be endearing. Or most things. I truly believe that. The physical appeal would follow from the sexual connection. Not the other way around.

 

It is the sexual connection that is missing and that was never fully there.

 

I think you're right about the physical things being a mask for the real issue. I don't agree that the real issue is the sexual connection. Even assuming it's possible that some people can never be able to form a sexual connection because of chemistry/pheromones/etc, you two did have a sexual connection at one point.

 

I agree with you that the physical issues would likely go away if you had a sexual connection, but I think their are other issues that are causing the sexual connection not to be there. The best way to figure those out is to talk to your H in therapy like you're planning.

 

If you're interested in it, I have heard that there are organizations that will help provide discounted or free counseling to people who can't afford it. I don't know if there's any in your area for MC, but it's something you could look into.

 

Also until you can get to counseling, you could look for resources, like books and websites, that'll help you and your husband discuss your issues. I've heard good things about the Marriage Builders website. And I really like the author Barbara De Angelis. I think she has a lot of good advice about relationships. She wrote one called "How to Make Love All the Time: Make Love Last a Lifetime" that might be helpful.

 

Hope that helps.

[Storyrider]

crazy_grl, thanks. I think the therapy will help me, as you said, especially to articulate what I'm feeling. The problem is I feel differently about this depending on the day or even hour that I think about it. I do tend to overanalyze things, as people who know me have pointed out.

 

When I speak of a lack of sexual connection, it isn't only the pheromones and chemistry that I'm talking about. It is the opening up to each other through sex, making sex an ongoing core way in which we relate, just like talking and hugging provide other forms of relating.

 

His penis should have lots to say to my vagina. I think it did early on, but we tried to delay it and delay it for the sake of chastity before marriage. By then the sexual connection felt somewhat closed off to me. And my hesitancy made him more and more hesitant.

 

On another thread someone said the husband needs to be the alphamale, which I disagree with in the sense it was meant. But (and many may disagree with this) I want the man I marry to take charge in the bedroom, to make me belong to him sexually, to show me how much he wants me, and to translate all our love and attachment into sex as if his life depends on it. If I don't always feel secure about that, I want him to guide me to it and make it happen despite any nervousness I might have. This probably sounds old fashioned and somewhat unfair to the guy, but it is how I feel.

 

I fantasize about being at a party and wanting each other so much that we have to go home and f*ck. That is how I want to be with the person I marry.

 

I wouldn't know how to begin to transform the relationship we have now into a relationship like that.

[norajane]

His penis should have lots to say to my vagina. I think it did early on, but we tried to delay it and delay it for the sake of chastity before marriage. By then the sexual connection felt somewhat closed off to me. And my hesitancy made him more and more hesitant.

 

What was the point of the chastity thing? You weren't a virgin before marriage - was he? Has he had much sexual experience?

 

Have you told him what effect that had on you, either while it was happening or now? Have you ever said, you know, us not having sex back then shut off that sexual connection I felt to you and I haven't been able to get it back since?

 

You are right - you are missing the emotional intimacy couples derive from sex (AND develop further through sex), as well as the physical chemistry and passion.

[Storyrider]

What was the point of the chastity thing? You weren't a virgin before marriage - was he? Has he had much sexual experience?

 

The chastity was totally his thing. He had to talk me into it. He is a practicing Catholic and doesn't believe in sex before marriage.

 

He'd had sex with one other woman before me, over ten years before me. He had been celibate for over ten years when we met. He'd thought for a while he would never marry, and then in his early thirties started to change his mind. And no, he isn't and wasn't gay. Just shy, nerdy, and thought he would never meet the right person.

 

Have you told him what effect that had on you, either while it was happening or now? Have you ever said, you know, us not having sex back then shut off that sexual connection I felt to you and I haven't been able to get it back since?

 

Probably. I can't even count all the discussions we've had. He doesn't buy any of my theories as he is quite satisfied with his own.

 

You are right - you are missing the emotional intimacy couples derive from sex (AND develop further through sex), as well as the physical chemistry and passion.

 

The funny thing is it is only missing on my side. He is good to go with sex at any time. I guess that is one reason he doesn't see my problem.

[crazy_grl]

Ok. I see what you mean.

 

On another thread someone said the husband needs to be the alphamale, which I disagree with in the sense it was meant. But (and many may disagree with this) I want the man I marry to take charge in the bedroom, to make me belong to him sexually, to show me how much he wants me, and to translate all our love and attachment into sex as if his life depends on it. If I don't always feel secure about that, I want him to guide me to it and make it happen despite any nervousness I might have. This probably sounds old fashioned and somewhat unfair to the guy, but it is how I feel.

 

I know you two waited until marriage, but I don't think you've mentioned whether your H had been waiting before he met you. Did he have much or any sexual experience before marrying you? If he didn't, he may not have the confidence in his abilities that a more experienced guy might. He may need some encouragement and reassurance.

 

I'm hesitant to say that you should fake being turned on to encourage him. However, since you say you feel different ways about him at different times, you might "jump him" at a time when you're feeling pretty attracted to him. Maybe have a little chat with him before hand that you'd like to spice things up and if you do something out of the ordinary, that you'd like him to go along with it. I know kids make it harder to do spontaneous stuff, but maybe you could manage it.

 

Also, have you told him what you'd like from him in the bedroom?

 

And I know it's pretty cliche, but do you ever dress up in sexy lingerie?

 

Don't know if this applies to you two, but what you said made me think about this. I've heard from many guys that the biggest turn on is a woman who is turned on by them. So if the woman is not turned on, they would not be as turned on. If the woman needs a salvating guy ready to ravish her in order to get turned on and the guy needs a woman who's desperate for him, then nobody's turning anybody on.

 

I was thinking about what someone said earlier about this having to do with not wanting to give him control, because he has control in other areas. You said that rang true. Do you consider him a controlling person? Does he does do things like tell you who you can be around, when to be home, etc?

 

(I see where people are coming from, but I don't think that him saying it's 90% your fault automatically makes him controlling. Maybe if you 2 had just met, but I could see a person who's been putting a lot of effort into something for years absolving themself of fault. Of course, that wouldn't mean they're right. Now if he is a controlling person, there are a whole different set of issues.)

 

Anyway, I've kind of side tracked from what I was getting at. The comment about you wanting to maintain control made me think of something. Do you think it's possible that you're witholding the sexual connection to keep a distance from him? That you're afraid of having too much intamacy with him and giving up too much control? Just a thought.

[crazy_grl]

He'd had sex with one other woman before me, over ten years before me. He had been celibate for over ten years when we met. He'd thought for a while he would never marry, and then in his early thirties started to change his mind. And no, he isn't and wasn't gay. Just shy, nerdy, and thought he would never meet the right person.

 

Guess you answered my question while I was still writing my post.

 

Probably. I can't even count all the discussions we've had. He doesn't buy any of my theories as he is quite satisfied with his own.

 

How firmly do you stand up for your theories? Does he not listen because he's stubborn and thinks he must be right or do you give in too easily? Or maybe some of both?

[Storyrider]

Do you think it's possible that you're witholding the sexual connection to keep a distance from him? That you're afraid of having too much intamacy with him and giving up too much control? Just a thought.

 

Well...this is exactly what he thinks the problem is, almost word for word. But at the same time, I want him to be dominant in the bedroom. So, I'm a mess of contradictions I guess.

 

How firmly do you stand up for your theories? Does he not listen because he's stubborn and thinks he must be right or do you give in too easily? Or maybe some of both?

 

I state my case. But he is the kind of person who thinks everything through. And he can always remember everything I've said in the past and quote it back to me. Plus he always has reasons to back up what he is saying. And he is the one who is willing to give, while I am the one who is witholding. So I feel in the wrong.