anyone else have a wife like this?

[jimm]

married for almost 6 years, 2 kids, both of us work. We are financially stable so we never fight over money which is a plus. Our biggest issue is stress caused by her lack of contribution on household duties. I (the guy) am called a nag if I bring anything up. This contributes to arguements and retaliation from her back to me. I just can not get her to finish a simple chore like laundry or vacuuming etc. Hubbies and wives should split these jobs, know what is yours to do and just get it done. I usually do most of the cooking, take out trash, feed the dog, get one of the kids dressed for bed or dressed to go out the door to go to day care, mowing snow removal etc etc....

We went through a spell of counseling back a while ago in hopes to correct our issues and lessen the tension between us. We were near divorce and decided to stay together and work it out. I was told to help out around the house more, cut back on work hours etc.....I did everything I was told to do by the couseler which was created by requests of my wife to make me a better husband by being around the house more to help out (mainly with the kids). Me being around the house more must not have been the real issue. I was also told to listen to her stories more and let her vent. God, ...I try so hard to listen to those freak'n stories that last for up to an hour. Many times these stories from her are being told right when I am trying to cook supper when I have my hands full. I ask her to please set the table, everything will be done is 5 mins (e.g)....she just keeps on talking and next thing you know it is a fight cuz the foods done and and the table did not get set. The counseler told her to try to wait until AFTER supper to tell these dang work stories (about ppl I dont even know) ....she just keeps doing the same thing.

 

Laundry....Why does it take 4 days for her to get 5 loads done? She starts laundry every thurs. It is a house of 2 adults and 2 small kids. I mentioned to the counseler that she just cannot get a job (housework) done in a timely manner and that is why she seems overwhelmed by it due to inefficiency. By the time Sun rolls around the laundry, now clean, is usually spread out across the living room in piles (now clean) some folded, some not. If I try to fold it myself I am told I folded it wrong. If I put it away, you guessed it,.....thats not where that goes. Let me guess,....it belongs on the couch for the next week so everyone can look at it.

This past weeked was the same....Laundry piled up on both couches (clean now...its now sunday 2/18/07) and found her totally sidetracked doing scrapbooking and cutting out pictures. I asked nicely to pick up the living room and finish the laundry...her reply "I wanted to work on this for a while". How the hell can someone go to a totally differnent project like that? Tommorow is Tuesday and it is still in the living room.

Vacuuming...lol...just try to walk through our house in the dark. Guarenteed you will fall over that 400.00 dyson that she leaves right where she decides to shut it off at and go do something else. When I vacuum I do the whole house, roll up the cord and put it in the closet where it belongs...done...how hard is that?

Dusting....she doesnt do it. I tried but she has all of these little piles of sh*t all over like mail that need to be sorted through, her receipts that need to be filed etc....all hers and if I move it than I get blamed for loosing something.

 

I bought this house for my family and I do not live this way. It is not "dirty" but she will just not do her part. I do not like complaining but enough is enough. It has progressively gotton worse. I resent her for not respecting this expensive home. Everyday is stressful for me....getting her to do her part is like pulling teeth. I do not want my kids to be slobs. If I just take over all of the chores then she will just relax more and they will become mine to do always. She often finds the time to take a afternoon weekend nap even though none of her responsibilities are done.

 

What should I do?...I cannot do this anymore. I am 35 yrs old and do not want to start over or loose my kids. I thought the extra family time I was to set aside would involve quality time in the house with the kids and "loving" wife.

 

Oh ya...the sex....she dont do that one either.

 

Help!

[Trialbyfire]

She's being passive aggressive with you....

 

Have you ever looked into getting a housekeeper in once a week? It's not too expensive and might help to alleviate some of the stress. If you really want to send a message home to her, make her pay for all of it while you clean the place the rest of the time when the housekeeper isn't in.

[LosingIt]

Has she always been lax on chores? My friend tried to get his wife to step up her game and she did for a while....and then slacked back to the start.

 

That might just be the way she is...so a maid would be a lot cheaper than a divorce.

 

Fix the sex thing. If the sex is good you can burn the house down and not care.

[jimm]

She's being passive aggressive with you....

 

Have you ever looked into getting a housekeeper in once a week? It's not too expensive and might help to alleviate some of the stress. If you really want to send a message home to her, make her pay for all of it while you clean the place the rest of the time when the housekeeper isn't in.

 

Its a thought, but what if she refuses to pay for it?

[Trialbyfire]

Its a thought, but what if she refuses to pay for it?

Discuss it with your wife first and let all interaction happen between her and the housekeeper. Preferably with both the housekeeper and your wife in the same room, let them both know that you won't be the one bucking up and not to put you in the middle. Worse case scenario, the housekeeper withdraws her services and then you will be back to....right now.

[jimm]

Has she always been lax on chores? My friend tried to get his wife to step up her game and she did for a while....and then slacked back to the start.

 

That might just be the way she is...so a maid would be a lot cheaper than a divorce.

 

Fix the sex thing. If the sex is good you can burn the house down and not care.

 

When we met she had her own house and I had mine. Mine was always clean...hers was also. We were both around 28 yrs old so our houskeeping habits should have been in place. I did not see any sign of it back then besides the fact she did not cook...which was fine. I like cooking.

 

Sex was good before we got married. She actually participated then. It is few and far in between now and the whole act is very predictable.(same old thing). Not that I want anything out of the norm (thats not me) but to maybe try somewhere else besides always in the bedroom in the bed etc. I dont even ask for it anymore and dont even try to get it , say....in the den in front of the fireplace once the kids are asleep etc. I know I will get denied and the repeated rejection is frustrating)

[Ladyjane14]

Sex was good before we got married. She actually participated then. It is few and far in between now and the whole act is very predictable.(same old thing). Not that I want anything out of the norm (thats not me) but to maybe try somewhere else besides always in the bedroom in the bed etc. I dont even ask for it anymore and dont even try to get it , say....in the den in front of the fireplace once the kids are asleep etc. I know I will get denied and the repeated rejection is frustrating)

 

I have to wonder if the division of labor issues would bother you quite so much if you and your wife were on the same page on the sexual issues?

 

You know, when the kids are small... ALOT of married people find themselves in conflict regarding "division of labor". That's kind of normal, really. It's hard not to make mountains out of molehills when you're stressed out and tired, right?

 

You know, people are naturally going to have different approaches to household chores. I utterly despise housework myself and could care less about clutter as long as the actual crud is kept at bay. And personally, I could care less if my husband helps out or not. If something bothers ME... I go take care of it. If it's his chore and he doesn't do it, I leave it lie. If he were to NEVER get to it, I'll either do it myself when I feel like it, or I'll hire somebody to get it done. To his credit, he never lets it go that far though.

 

What I don't do is allow resentment to build or attempt any kind of control over my mate. It's his life. If he feels like taking a nap and not mowing the lawn on any given day... that's his prerogative. I'm not his mama for one thing. And for another, I LIKE him happy. If napping makes him happy, he can nap all he wants. It pleases me to see him enjoying life.

 

Maybe the thing to do would be to identify the larger issues between you and your wife that might be causing a loss of emotional intimacy, and then address those problems first.

I'd be willing to bet that alot of this other stuff would fall in line rather naturally if you two were feeling really close with each other.

[My Fair Katie]

In our household whoever is bothered by the mess cleans it. Sometimes I clean it, sometimes My Fair Husband cleans it, and sometimes the house just looks like **** cause we can't be bothered.

 

Once and ONLY once did I come home from a full day at a job I hated and saw a note taped to my study door (we have our own seperate offices and usually when I get home the first thing I do is put my bag in the office then feed the mutts) that was a honey do list. I was beyond livid.

 

I took his note, wrote in sharpie over it "F*** you. Love, The Maid" and taped it up on his office door where he was working (he works from home).

 

Our house is usually clean because we like it tidy and we like being able to find things, but sometimes clean clothes sit on the dresser for awhile, sometimes I feel like I could drown in all the video game controllers that take up residence on our coffee table. So, when it starts to bug me, I move 'em, put 'em away. It's easier than harboring a grudge that My Fair Husband leaves them out.

 

Oh, also, when I ask My Fair Husband to do something and he doesn't do it the same way I would, I've learned to let it go. This is OUR house, not my house, and if he vacuums differently than I do, who cares? My way may be more efficient, but as long as I'm not doing it on my time, I have NO SAY in how he does it. Same for loading the dishwasher (I'm crazy obsessive about how I load it), cleaning the stove top, putting the groceries away, and doing the laundry.

 

I tell ya, I've learned to let go of a lot of petty things by getting married.

[Mr. Lucky]

Its a thought, but what if she refuses to pay for it?

I asked nicely to pick up the living room and finish the laundry...her reply "I wanted to work on this for a while". How the hell can someone go to a totally differnent project like that? Tommorow is Tuesday and it is still in the living room.

Seems like a basic power struggle. Why would she have the sole power over the decision to hire a housekeeper? And why would you feel the need to tell her when to clean? Lots going on under the surface...

 

Mr. Lucky

[norajane]

Its a thought, but what if she refuses to pay for it?

 

Um, you're married. Your finances are joint...certainly according to the IRS and a divorce judge.

 

Hire the housekeeper and eliminate this stress from your life. Who cares who writes the check? Both of you are paying for it in the end.

[jimm]

I have to wonder if the division of labor issues would bother you quite so much if you and your wife were on the same page on the sexual issues?

 

You know, when the kids are small... ALOT of married people find themselves in conflict regarding "division of labor". That's kind of normal, really. It's hard not to make mountains out of molehills when you're stressed out and tired, right?

 

You know, people are naturally going to have different approaches to household chores. I utterly despise housework myself and could care less about clutter as long as the actual crud is kept at bay. And personally, I could care less if my husband helps out or not. If something bothers ME... I go take care of it. If it's his chore and he doesn't do it, I leave it lie. If he were to NEVER get to it, I'll either do it myself when I feel like it, or I'll hire somebody to get it done. To his credit, he never lets it go that far though.

 

What I don't do is allow resentment to build or attempt any kind of control over my mate. It's his life. If he feels like taking a nap and not mowing the lawn on any given day... that's his prerogative. I'm not his mama for one thing. And for another, I LIKE him happy. If napping makes him happy, he can nap all he wants. It pleases me to see him enjoying life.

 

Maybe the thing to do would be to identify the larger issues between you and your wife that might be causing a loss of emotional intimacy, and then address those problems first.

I'd be willing to bet that alot of this other stuff would fall in line rather naturally if you two were feeling really close with each other.

 

I do not think being on the same page about sex would be the cure all. I am wishing for her to be on the same page about helping around the house. I am fine if things are not done and are set aside but it is always being set aside, put off for another day etc. As a teacher, she gets summers off. Right before break starts she makes a todo list for herself eg plant flowers here, organize a closet etc. She cannot even commit to requests she makes to herself. If she does start a task it is never completely finished. One winter, while I was shoveling the sidewalk after the first snow...I found the clippers used when she trimmed her rose bush during the fall a few months earlier. That is the 3rd winter in a row I found some tool left outside after she used it and never put it back along that side of the house.

The kids are at jepardy due to this carelessness. Leaving the vac plugged in and not putting the safety plugs back in is not a good thing since out 3 rd old tries to plug things in or take the plug out. Ive mentioned this several times....no luck.

Naps and enjoying life are fine but our 6 month old tumbled down 18 stairs a month ago during one of her careless weekend naps.

SHe wanted to hang some pictures a while back, I came in the door to find my 4 month old daughter playing with her pile of picture hanging nails since my wife was now absorbed in sorting through the pictures going into the frame in an entirely different room of the house.

Ive tried to point out that these acts are careless but to her...I am nagging.

[blind_otter]

I do not think being on the same page about sex would be the cure all. I am wishing for her to be on the same page about helping around the house.

 

How weird that a bunch of people have pointed out something to you but you refuse to see it.

 

Ive tried to point out that these acts are careless but to her...I am nagging.

 

It's all in HOW you say it. Haven't you ever heard of diplomacy? There are a million ways to phrase something, and some of the will work like a charm. Others will fall flat. It's up to you to use your noggin to figure out how best to win friends and influence people.

[VinaAmez]

Sounds like she is lazy, doesn't care, doesn't want any sort of responsibility, and is acting like a child.

 

Did she all of a sudden start acting like this or was this a slow gradual thing?

[jimm]

Um, you're married. Your finances are joint...certainly according to the IRS and a divorce judge.

 

Hire the housekeeper and eliminate this stress from your life. Who cares who writes the check? Both of you are paying for it in the end.

 

Its more carelessness and her lack of self motivation. A housekeeper would help on some issues but not some of the more important ones. Trust me, if I could write a check to fix this problem then I would not be asking this forum for answers. I would have already do it. Keep in mind that we have went through counseling. Both of us were given items to resolve our issues. I was required to write all of mine down and do them (work less, hire someone for maint at the rental properties, set aside time to listen to her day at work...etc) I still do everything my wife said would make this work. No luck

[Sup]

Could there be SOMEONE else? No sex for you?

[norajane]

I do not think being on the same page about sex would be the cure all. I am wishing for her to be on the same page about helping around the house. I am fine if things are not done and are set aside but it is always being set aside, put off for another day etc. As a teacher, she gets summers off. Right before break starts she makes a todo list for herself eg plant flowers here, organize a closet etc. She cannot even commit to requests she makes to herself. If she does start a task it is never completely finished. One winter, while I was shoveling the sidewalk after the first snow...I found the clippers used when she trimmed her rose bush during the fall a few months earlier. That is the 3rd winter in a row I found some tool left outside after she used it and never put it back along that side of the house.

The kids are at jepardy due to this carelessness. Leaving the vac plugged in and not putting the safety plugs back in is not a good thing since out 3 rd old tries to plug things in or take the plug out. Ive mentioned this several times....no luck.

Naps and enjoying life are fine but our 6 month old tumbled down 18 stairs a month ago during one of her careless weekend naps.

SHe wanted to hang some pictures a while back, I came in the door to find my 4 month old daughter playing with her pile of picture hanging nails since my wife was now absorbed in sorting through the pictures going into the frame in an entirely different room of the house.

Ive tried to point out that these acts are careless but to her...I am nagging.

 

Does she have ADD or something?

[jimm]

How weird that a bunch of people have pointed out something to you but you refuse to see it.

 

 

 

It's all in HOW you say it. Haven't you ever heard of diplomacy? There are a million ways to phrase something, and some of the will work like a charm. Others will fall flat. It's up to you to use your noggin to figure out how best to win friends and influence people.

 

I know you may think I just come in the house nagging and yelling....your wrong. I started as just asking...then doing things on my own. eg ...unload the dishwasher and not say a word cuz it is not that big of a deal....I'll just do it myself. I admit, it a home with 2 small children there are a ton of things to get done in a week. We have tried to sit down and sort out who does what. We walk away from the table and I feel better. Within a week she drops the ball and is asking me to do her things also.

I truly work my butt off. I own my own business and 18 rental units. I hire anything to have to do with that stuff so I can be with the family more. Even with hiring ppl I still have alot of job responsibilities. I never get a day off. I often get up on Sat or Sun at 6am to finish up my job duties. She knows I practically kill myself month after month working, but I still set aside time and let her know "hey, I will be free all day Sunday, want to take the kids 4 wheeling".....We cant go, ....she sat around Saturday making a card for 4 hours for somebody on the computer and now all of her chores are backed up making family together time impossible. Unless that is, I want to spend the next week living in a s*ithole. The counseler said we were to make family free time by working for it....she wont.

[jimm]

Does she have ADD or something?

 

I though of that and researched it. It would have to be selective ADD because when it comes to something for here like sorting Mary Kay inventory or completing scapbooking pages she gets it done...but at the cost of the house falling down around her.

[Porn_Guy]

why are you still married to this woman JIMM?

[jimm]

In our household whoever is bothered by the mess cleans it. Sometimes I clean it, sometimes My Fair Husband cleans it, and sometimes the house just looks like **** cause we can't be bothered.

 

Once and ONLY once did I come home from a full day at a job I hated and saw a note taped to my study door (we have our own seperate offices and usually when I get home the first thing I do is put my bag in the office then feed the mutts) that was a honey do list. I was beyond livid.

 

I took his note, wrote in sharpie over it "F*** you. Love, The Maid" and taped it up on his office door where he was working (he works from home).

 

Our house is usually clean because we like it tidy and we like being able to find things, but sometimes clean clothes sit on the dresser for awhile, sometimes I feel like I could drown in all the video game controllers that take up residence on our coffee table. So, when it starts to bug me, I move 'em, put 'em away. It's easier than harboring a grudge that My Fair Husband leaves them out.

 

Oh, also, when I ask My Fair Husband to do something and he doesn't do it the same way I would, I've learned to let it go. This is OUR house, not my house, and if he vacuums differently than I do, who cares? My way may be more efficient, but as long as I'm not doing it on my time, I have NO SAY in how he does it. Same for loading the dishwasher (I'm crazy obsessive about how I load it), cleaning the stove top, putting the groceries away, and doing the laundry.

 

I tell ya, I've learned to let go of a lot of petty things by getting married.

 

These are not petty things. They are important responsibilities. As far as "whoever is bothered by the mess should clean it" ....thats not right. Why does it take being bothered?. If you make a mess you should clean it. For valentines day I bought her some $200 paper cutting scrapbooking machine she wanted. She played with it for 2 hours...cut a bunch of paper, left the pile in the living room for 2 days along with the packing including the bow. I would have done the same with my valentines present but I did not get one...not a card, not a gift ...not sex....nothing. I finally cleaned up the mess from her gift myself.

The brand new vehicle I bought her a month ago sits in the garage looking like it is 10 yrs old with all of the iowa road salt on it. Filthy as heck...not a care to her...not even so much as a thanks to me. Her response to me when I pulled up in the vehicle that she wanted (and really did need) ..."anything would get around better than that piece of crap grand am"....that was it...I just shut my mouth and handed her the keys.

[IpAncA]

These are not petty things. They are important responsibilities. As far as "whoever is bothered by the mess should clean it" ....thats not right. Why does it take being bothered?. If you make a mess you should clean it. For valentines day I bought her some $200 paper cutting scrapbooking machine she wanted. She played with it for 2 hours...cut a bunch of paper, left the pile in the living room for 2 days along with the packing including the bow. I would have done the same with my valentines present but I did not get one...not a card, not a gift ...not sex....nothing. I finally cleaned up the mess from her gift myself.

The brand new vehicle I bought her a month ago sits in the garage looking like it is 10 yrs old with all of the iowa road salt on it. Filthy as heck...not a care to her...not even so much as a thanks to me. Her response to me when I pulled up in the vehicle that she wanted (and really did need) ..."anything would get around better than that piece of crap grand am"....that was it...I just shut my mouth and handed her the keys.

Why o why are do you stand for this?

 

She obviously doesn't care about anything but herself.

[jimm]

Sounds like she is lazy, doesn't care, doesn't want any sort of responsibility, and is acting like a child.

 

Did she all of a sudden start acting like this or was this a slow gradual thing?

 

slow gradual.....she used to help more. She uses the kids as an excuse of why she cannot get anything done. I ve spent entire weekends in the house feeding, taking care of the kids and she just plain cant accomplish crap. Poor time managment, easily side tracked.

Last night, I had the kids all night. I picked them up from daycare (she had parent teacher conf.) I fed them supper, cleaned up the mess, fed the dog, played, got them dressed for bed, put them to bed, picked up their toys and had it all done by 9 15pm. It was so easy and I had from about 9pm to 10 30 to my self.

So you might wonder why I do not do it like this every night?...Should the husband have to do all of this himself?....I think not. I have not seen a night run this smoothly in a long time. A typical night would have been her dragging her feet with getting child #2 done or...not cleaning up the supper mess after I cook (we agreed that one cooks and the other has to clean up). I have gotten up in the morning to see last nights supper mess still on the table when it was suppossed to be done by her. As agreed.

[whichwayisup]

She seems overwhelmed by her responsibilities....I don't know if she needs someone to help her time manage and learn how to do xx amount of stuff during the day, or if she is just pure lazy and couldn't careless about the mess around the house. It obviously isn't as important to her as it is to you. One suggestion, get a cleaning lady to come once every two weeks - And hopefully your wife can clean up in between...

 

Is she depressed? Bored and settled with life? Something is preventing her from DOING.

 

Sorry, I forget, but how old are the kids?

[jimm]

Why o why are do you stand for this?

 

She obviously doesn't care about anything but herself.

 

I tolerate this for the kids. I know that I will not win in the courts. I know I will loose. Divorce is a no no in our family and I do not want my kids to become a statistic. I think there is always a cure for a problem. I believe anyone can be fixed.

There are many issues here that there would be no way of me finding out until we had kids and the house work load increased. I deliberately waited until I was alomst 30 to get married in hopes I would be smarter since so many of my friends made the wrong choice. ...I was wrong.

[jimm]

She seems overwhelmed by her responsibilities....I don't know if she needs someone to help her time manage and learn how to do xx amount of stuff during the day, or if she is just pure lazy and couldn't careless about the mess around the house. It obviously isn't as important to her as it is to you. One suggestion, get a cleaning lady to come once every two weeks - And hopefully your wife can clean up in between...

 

Is she depressed? Bored and settled with life? Something is preventing her from DOING.

 

Sorry, I forget, but how old are the kids?

 

The kids are 3yrs old and 9 months old.

You are so right about "something is preventing her from doing"

I keep hearing the housekeeper thing........I would not have a problem with that if, for instance, her hours made it hard to get things done etc. Thats not true, its just a matter of not wanting or caring to do it. She comes from a decent family with both parents in tact...nice house, good family etc. We are probably upper middle class moreso her than me. If you were to step back and look deeply into our pasts, a person would suspect me as being laid back, carefree, messy etc. I origianlly got with her because she appeared to have it together, a degree, a teacher, good family values, etc. Everything seemed perfect, that was...until work loads increased due to kids etc. She made it very clear that she wanted a child within the first year of getting married. Now that they are here, she cant handle it. Well...its a little too late to undo that one