anyone else have a wife like this?

[tinktronik]

Integrate your chores . I too have trouble concentrating long enough or getting overwhelmed by 5 peopoles laundry ,or whatever .So me and the H pick something ... say laundry , we sort it throw it in the wash ...then we fold it and talk and put it away together . We cook dinner together , the kids help too, ect . It works much better this way . The biggest thing I learned from my kids was to keep the chores fun .

[whichwayisup]

Then she needs help or some kind during the day. She also could be suffering from PPdepression. Is she still breast feeding? Does she say how tired she is? Maybe a routine check up with the Dr could help.

 

I'm sure she's overwhelmed having 3 kids at home. It is tiring and at the same time she's "mom", and "wife"...maybe she's lost WHO she is as a person. I mean, you work and get out into the world...She could be missing this and feels a part of her is missing now...

[climbergirl]

Integrate your chores . I too have trouble concentrating long enough or getting overwhelmed by 5 peopoles laundry ,or whatever .So me and the H pick something ... say laundry , we sort it throw it in the wash ...then we fold it and talk and put it away together . We cook dinner together , the kids help too, ect . It works much better this way . The biggest thing I learned from my kids was to keep the chores fun .

 

 

I think this is great advice. It seems like this may solve many of your problems--time with each other, time with kids, getting the chores done, etc.

[norajane]

The kids are 3yrs old and 9 months old.

You are so right about "something is preventing her from doing"

 

Post partum depression?

[IpAncA]

Post partum depression?

I was wondering that myself.

[jimm]

Integrate your chores . I too have trouble concentrating long enough or getting overwhelmed by 5 peopoles laundry ,or whatever .So me and the H pick something ... say laundry , we sort it throw it in the wash ...then we fold it and talk and put it away together . We cook dinner together , the kids help too, ect . It works much better this way . The biggest thing I learned from my kids was to keep the chores fun .

 

Division of chores was her idea and were established by the counseler, me and the wife. Intergration was not brought up...but I see your point. Intergration was how it started. Then I found myself on my own, finishing task X while she went off to do other things. Fights began when I brought up having to do both my 1/2 and hers. As my job (employment type) got more demanding I was having a harder time completing the neccesities. I was frustrasted and we fought. Division was established to make a clear line as to who had what responsibilities. This was decided by a licensed marriage couseler.

[jimm]

Then she needs help or some kind during the day. She also could be suffering from PPdepression. Is she still breast feeding? Does she say how tired she is? Maybe a routine check up with the Dr could help.

 

I'm sure she's overwhelmed having 3 kids at home. It is tiring and at the same time she's "mom", and "wife"...maybe she's lost WHO she is as a person. I mean, you work and get out into the world...She could be missing this and feels a part of her is missing now...

 

No she is not still breastfeeding...but she did. The sleep issue was always there, even b4 the kids. She just thinks she needs to nap. My body would also want a nap if I let it...we all would. I mentioned that of she trained her body not to do it, it would not want to or feel the need.

 

We have 2 kids right now.

 

I work at home. I am here all day. I am the one who misses the "world". She gets to leave and meet ppl all day as a teacher. If anybody would be missing the world it would be me. My wife and kids are my life....second is my work. So,.....now that the shoe is on the other foot...would it be that I am the one missing out on the world? have I lost who I am as a person? Is a part of me missing?

I dont think so.....it is the wife and mother that is missing.

[Kamille]

I'm also wondering, like many people, if she is not suffering from some kind of depression. You've mentioned a few symptoms that might point to that (such as lack of libido, disorganization and sleeping a lot).

 

On a more practical note, this last bit might or might not help, but applies to my own experience with my own messyness:

 

I go through 'messy' phases where I cannot for the life of me seem to remember to finish the laundry. I've recently come to realize that for me, what makes the whole difference, is organization. What disorganizes me is clutter. And to be organized, I need my spaces to be set up just right and I need enough storage space for everything. For example, I hate putting away groceries at my mother's house because there is no room anywhere to put anything. Therefore, when my mom comes in with the groceries, I have a tendency to run off to the computer to post on LS.

 

How is your house set up? I know you probably feel it is a system that works for you, but does it work for her? Is the vacuum annoying to get to and annoying to store away? Is there clutter (ie too much stuff that doesn't have a designated and practical space?)

[jimm]

I'm also wondering, like many people, if she is not suffering from some kind of depression. You've mentioned a few symptoms that might point to that (such as lack of libido, disorganization and sleeping a lot).

 

On a more practical note, this last bit might or might not help, but applies to my own experience with my own messyness:

 

I go through 'messy' phases where I cannot for the life of me seem to remember to finish the laundry. I've recently come to realize that for me, what makes the whole difference, is organization. What disorganizes me is clutter. And to be organized, I need my spaces to be set up just right and I need enough storage space for everything. For example, I hate putting away groceries at my mother's house because there is no room anywhere to put anything. Therefore, when my mom comes in with the groceries, I have a tendency to run off to the computer to post on LS.

 

How is your house set up? I know you probably feel it is a system that works for you, but does it work for her? Is the vacuum annoying to get to and annoying to store away? Is there clutter (ie too much stuff that doesn't have a designated and practical space?)

 

all excellent points....

The house is a 4 bdrm 3 bath home ...even though it may seem large it is by no means so. It is however more than large enought for 2 small children and 2 adults. My wife and I have our own bathrooms...

The kitchen is average sized. An eat in with plenty of cupboard space.

Each bdrm has its own closet space. anf ther is a closet on the main level that houses the vacuume putting it in easy reach on the main level for easy clean ups. I noticed that b4 it was stored downstairs making access difficult. The new spot make it easier and, since it was now on level 2 it was right in the middle of our 3 floor home.

"our bedroom" contains a closet approx 8 feet wide 5 feet deep. It contains only her cloths. Our sons room has a closet 12 feet wide, 6 feet of which containes moms unused clothes.

Bedroom 3 is our daughters. hanger area is all of her little clothes , upper shelf area is lauras photo albums and lower area under it is laruas other storage area.

Bedroom 4 is my stuff. 4 feet wide plus a dresser. Clset shelve are full of crap I do not know what it is but I did not put it ther.

utility room. ....another 10 foot wide swath of hanging wifes clothes. doesnt wear these either but they are there for some reason....under that....totes....palstic totes of crap......from plastic cups to gift bags we might need some day.

In the middle of the cool den I designed and laid out, a treadmill and ...right now....a vacuum...cord spread out over the floor.

back to bedrrom 4......Mary Kay invetory and a full selection of Mary Kay Inventory. also a computer desk full of crap piled high. She complained about the old coputer boig sold so we have dells newest XPS computer under the pile of crap. I rarely use this computer but when I do it takes 2-3 handfulls just to open the desk for use.

Garage....she has her own garage...she complained about needing more storage for crap. I installled 3 2 foot by 16 foot sheves .....they were full that day. Just from totes from house junk......unused clothes etc. I tried to make shelf #3 mine but got bumped so I put in another and called it my own....it remains so.

Grocery storage.......side by side in the kitchen. Huge deep freeze in the basement.

We definatly have too much cluttter but she will not part with it. I have attemped to build more space to fit it all in but we are out od room. I opened a tote one day in the utility room to seen what was in it and found a collection of plastic cups. A plastic tote full of plastic totes stored under a crapload of unworn hanging clothes....why?

 

God ....the more I type the more pissed I get as I realize how screwed up this is

[jimm]

Could there be SOMEONE else? No sex for you?

 

You know.....I kinda wish there was. So he could deal with all of this instead of me. But I do not think there is.

[justpassingthrough]

God ....the more I type the more pissed I get as I realize how screwed up this is

 

Jimm, I live in a similar world.

 

Clean is important to me. In fact, it's a priority. My two teenage children don't find it so important.

 

And Jimm, this is the only (and I'm being honest, here) thing we ever disagree about.

 

I know where my son is just by following the trail of stuff he drops. My daughter never - NEVER - puts the cap/lid/top on anything, nor does she put anything away when she's done with it. Note I did not raise them this way.

 

Okay, so maybe some people aren't "bothered" by that kind of thing, but I am. And it gets me to the core. So much so that I can totally understand where the OP is coming from.

[jimm]

Jimm, I live in a similar world.

 

Clean is important to me. In fact, it's a priority. My two teenage children don't find it so important.

 

And Jimm, this is the only (and I'm being honest, here) thing we ever disagree about.

 

I know where my son is just by following the trail of stuff he drops. My daughter never - NEVER - puts the cap/lid/top on anything, nor does she put anything away when she's done with it. Note I did not raise them this way.

 

Okay, so maybe some people aren't "bothered" by that kind of thing, but I am. And it gets me to the core. So much so that I can totally understand where the OP is coming from.

 

I do not want my kids to be this way. We live in a disorganized, cluttered house because of my wife. I am not so picky to where I NEED it all of time and I an fine with letting it go once in a while. This is not a once in a while thing, ....I have had my parents drop by and see this place it its glory. There is nowhere to sit. We cannot have friends over. We do not have friends by the way.....there is nowhere for them to sit. You open our front door and it is embarrassing. I am getting replies from woman saying "let it go" but I would love for them to come here. I have sh*t from 3 months ago sitting on a loveseat that we cannot use cuz of her. I pick it up...she puts it right back. I hate my wife because of her houskeeping skills. She just plain sucks at it. When I was single and had my own house it was spotless. Ok....well not spotless but at least a couch could be used and a table had room on it. Not now....everthing is full of crap.

[norajane]

all excellent points....

The house is a 4 bdrm 3 bath home ...even though it may seem large it is by no means so. It is however more than large enought for 2 small children and 2 adults. My wife and I have our own bathrooms...

The kitchen is average sized. An eat in with plenty of cupboard space.

Each bdrm has its own closet space. anf ther is a closet on the main level that houses the vacuume putting it in easy reach on the main level for easy clean ups. I noticed that b4 it was stored downstairs making access difficult. The new spot make it easier and, since it was now on level 2 it was right in the middle of our 3 floor home.

"our bedroom" contains a closet approx 8 feet wide 5 feet deep. It contains only her cloths. Our sons room has a closet 12 feet wide, 6 feet of which containes moms unused clothes.

Bedroom 3 is our daughters. hanger area is all of her little clothes , upper shelf area is lauras photo albums and lower area under it is laruas other storage area.

Bedroom 4 is my stuff. 4 feet wide plus a dresser. Clset shelve are full of crap I do not know what it is but I did not put it ther.

utility room. ....another 10 foot wide swath of hanging wifes clothes. doesnt wear these either but they are there for some reason....under that....totes....palstic totes of crap......from plastic cups to gift bags we might need some day.

In the middle of the cool den I designed and laid out, a treadmill and ...right now....a vacuum...cord spread out over the floor.

back to bedrrom 4......Mary Kay invetory and a full selection of Mary Kay Inventory. also a computer desk full of crap piled high. She complained about the old coputer boig sold so we have dells newest XPS computer under the pile of crap. I rarely use this computer but when I do it takes 2-3 handfulls just to open the desk for use.

Garage....she has her own garage...she complained about needing more storage for crap. I installled 3 2 foot by 16 foot sheves .....they were full that day. Just from totes from house junk......unused clothes etc. I tried to make shelf #3 mine but got bumped so I put in another and called it my own....it remains so.

Grocery storage.......side by side in the kitchen. Huge deep freeze in the basement.

We definatly have too much cluttter but she will not part with it. I have attemped to build more space to fit it all in but we are out od room. I opened a tote one day in the utility room to seen what was in it and found a collection of plastic cups. A plastic tote full of plastic totes stored under a crapload of unworn hanging clothes....why?

 

God ....the more I type the more pissed I get as I realize how screwed up this is

 

Sounds like she has packrat syndrome - why does anyone need that many clothes? Apparently, she doesn't either, since they are unused. A conosignment shop, or Goodwill might be a good solution to clear things out. Though, I don't think even Goodwill will want the tubsfull of plastic cups, lol.

 

Have you considered going back to counseling? I mean, it doesn't seem like she's lived up to her end of the deal brokered by the counselor, and things are getting worse, plus your resentment is building. Maybe it's time to give it another go.

[jimm]

Sounds like she has packrat syndrome - why does anyone need that many clothes? Apparently, she doesn't either, since they are unused. A conosignment shop, or Goodwill might be a good solution to clear things out. Though, I don't think even Goodwill will want the tubsfull of plastic cups, lol.

 

Have you considered going back to counseling? I mean, it doesn't seem like she's lived up to her end of the deal brokered by the counselor, and things are getting worse, plus your resentment is building. Maybe it's time to give it another go.

 

I do not have much patience left. I know they say divorce is difficult. This is worse since it does not end.

[norajane]

I do not have much patience left. I know they say divorce is difficult. This is worse since it does not end.

 

I think you should tell her that you are on the verge of divorce so she gets it how serious this is and how it is destroying your marrige very rapidly. It sounds like she is living in la la land in her head, and is either dismissive or oblivious of your feelings. Maybe she really doesn't get it how bad this is for you.

 

The kids are at jepardy due to this carelessness. Leaving the vac plugged in and not putting the safety plugs back in is not a good thing since out 3 rd old tries to plug things in or take the plug out. Ive mentioned this several times....no luck.

Naps and enjoying life are fine but our 6 month old tumbled down 18 stairs a month ago during one of her careless weekend naps.

 

This is the part that is most troublesome. If she is putting herself before your children, being irresponsible to the point of leaving the kids unattended, there is a big problem that she needs to face. Maybe telling her divorce is imminent will wake her up.

[jimm]

I think you should tell her that you are on the verge of divorce so she gets it how serious this is and how it is destroying your marrige very rapidly. It sounds like she is living in la la land in her head, and is either dismissive or oblivious of your feelings. Maybe she really doesn't get it how bad this is for you.

 

 

 

This is the part that is most troublesome. If she is putting herself before your children, being irresponsible to the point of leaving the kids unattended, there is a big problem that she needs to face. Maybe telling her divorce is imminent will wake her up.

 

and heres the twist.....

2 weeks ago we ...I decided to heads towards divorce. I told her to pick out a new home (handed her the recent "for sale" listings) and told her to keep it under 150k. and it was hers...if she agreed (legally) to not persue my rental properties or the family home which I need to keep as my work location (large shop etc ideal for a business) . The rental etc were all purchased by me and she does not have $1.00 into them....nor any effort of course.

She did a preg test and it was positive. ...kid #3 on its way. Call me careless but I was told she was on the pill. I was then told by her she was in between perscriptions and had not picked the new ones up yet. Also keep in mind we rarely have sex. In know....it only takes once.....but once is all it seems to take for me prob cuz I am usually loaded up pretty good since it is months between sex. She told me that it must be some sign for us to stay together now and that she would learn to love again etc. 2 weeks later and here I am at this forum and she is back to being Mrs lazy head. I am so screwed now. child support for 3 kids or live with her??

What would you choose?

Counseling is a dead end. They get everything out, but have a hard time figuring how to get it all to work.

[norajane]

What would I choose? Honestly, I'd be wondering if she can even take care of another child, considering she's having so much difficulty in handling what is currently on her plate...and I'd be wondering if an abortion wouldn't be best, followed by a divorce.

 

I don't know - I don't have children, so don't think I should really give advice.

 

Maybe it's because we're only hearing your side of things, but I just can't understand how she can nap while her kids are unattended...or do scrapbooking when the house is a mess...the kids are crawling around the floors, you know, and sticking everything in their mouths...ick.

[mockeryjones]

jimm,

 

i been where you are. I could have written your same exact story at this time last year. I lived it too, the house a freaking rats nest, the wife zonked on the couch when she should have been watching the kids, the certain knowledge that if you don't do the cleaning it just will never get done despite repeated promises to the contrary, the uncertain knowledge that your kids are ok when you are not there, the house full of crap that you didn't even know you owned, the absence of sex.

 

i went through this same thing with my wife about a year and a half ago, right around the time when our youngest was just about 9 months old as well. in her case it was a case a post partum despression combined with an untreated bipolar disorder. it was like living in a mad house, my wife really wasn't capable of doing the things i asked of her at the time, not that i didn't have the right to ask her to take care of the house and the kids, but she simply wasn't in her right mind.

 

To make a long story short, It didn't get better until she got treated for her post partum and bipolar disorder. Even now if she misses a day of her meds or has an especially hard time of the month she can slip back into the chaos. However now even with the slips I at least know that she is trying....and I suspect that is what you are looking for from your wife, some evidence that she is trying or even wants to do right by you.

I don't envy where you are right now brother, but it can get better.

[jimm]

What would I choose? Honestly, I'd be wondering if she can even take care of another child, considering she's having so much difficulty in handling what is currently on her plate...and I'd be wondering if an abortion wouldn't be best, followed by a divorce.

 

I don't know - I don't have children, so don't think I should really give advice.

 

Maybe it's because we're only hearing your side of things, but I just can't understand how she can nap while her kids are unattended...or do scrapbooking when the house is a mess...the kids are crawling around the floors, you know, and sticking everything in their mouths...ick.

 

I agree, with the situation as it is and for as long it has been I do not think we can handle 3 . Its hard enough with 2. She threaten she will take them from me if we divorce but I guess I will just ahve to see about that. I do not think she can handle them alone.

Today was interesting.....we have been fighting....she woke up with the flu virus. Begged me to take care of the kids or load them up and take them to day care. I told her she was on her own and to pretend I did not exist. After all....what would happen if she was on her own? I felt bad but I know how much hell she has put me through recently. She asks for help and I have always given in. I ask for something and she ignores it. It is time for her to see what it like to talk to a brick wall. I do not think this is medical since she is selective about picking what is priority to her. It is a matter of sitting back and not putting forth effort equally. I walked out the door and put in an unuasually long day at work. A full day for her, on her own, with the kids, and puking sick. Isint this how it would be if she was on her own and divorced? Call me an ass but the last time I was sick I was on my own. She also seems to get sicker than anyone else....a common flu will put her into a tizzy bawling and rolling around on the floor like she is dying. A common cold will shut her down and she will go to bed for 2 days straight. I used to cater to her,,,,,homemade chicken soup when she had a cold etc....I found myself making it 2 times a month. This was the real stuff....debone the chicken etc. I cant even get her to make a supper that doesnt come out of a box when I ask her to make supper.

I have given up....she is on her own.

[jimm]

may 2006

 

During a short time when I popped 2 vertabrea in by back from lifting too much a terrible event occurred . Our oldest.....2 yrs then was difficult to get dressed in his pj's. I usually did it but I could not move easily and so the job was in her hands. As he resisted her she fought back. She was preg at the time and very mental. Our son put up a typical fight of not wanting to get pj's on etc. The struggle intensified to the point of where she was hurting him, sittin on him and bending his arm in a way that it does not bend. His armpit was popped out, the socket was white and could see it was out of control and she was in a tizzy. I told her to "knock it off, you are hurting him" "get off of him" ....after 3 requests she ignored me . His bawling when from spioled brat crys to hurt crys. It became serious and I managed to get up and pull her off of him by only grabbing her arms and pulling straingt up vertically and moving her 3 feet away from him and placing myself between her and him. I looked her in the eyes and said "cool it b4 you break his arm" ...She was like looking into the devils eyes and instantly began kicking me in the gut, nuts , anything she could kick. She kept going back to him and pulling on his arm to get him twisted forcfully into one of those full length body pj's......you know the one with the feet in them. I pulled her off again and said go cool down...she refused and started beating the F out of me.

I retreated to the shop, called 911 and told them what was going on, where I was, and should I go get the kid out of harms way. They told me to stay in the shop, and hang tight,...I did so exactly.

Cops show up and I told them what happened. They talk to her and guess what.....I am cuffed and stuffed. ....Domestic abuse charges. Since I restrained her without her consent it was domestic. Nothing else mattered.

I later found a law in Iowa code saying that it wa ok to restain if it was to protect a child but I was arrested that night, spent 18 hours in the holding cell with 2 dislocated vertibrea and the softest thing to sit or lay on was concrete. I almost puked from the pain. Saw the judge the next day and was told that the state automatically puts a restraining order in place and I needed to find a place to stay. I was able to convice the judge I needed to keep working in order to be able to pay the bills and was allowed access to ONLY the shop on the prop but I must leave at the end of a business day ...5pm. I lived in motels and decided that was too expensive so I decided to stay at the parent 90 miles away. Each day I drove back and for to work 90 miles for over 2 weeks. I am self employed and HAD to keep the shop running due to credit card orders etc that needed to go out or else I could get in trouble with VISA etc. Court was not until 6 weeks later. Lack of sleep from back pain and all of the driving caused me to go off the road one night and I just about flipped the truck. I decided to stay closer to home and went back to the motel thing just a few miles from home at 70 bucks a night. The wife talked to the judge and had the NC order lifted and we were ordered to counseling. They heard the case and dismissed the charges.

Anytime divorce is mentioned she reminds me of those charges and how they will affect my custody pleas......and smirks. "That will teach you to call the cops" she says. She is right......guys, never call the cops to have them help get your wife under control.

By the way....they looked her over and there were no marks whatsoever. They took me in on just the fact that I restrained her against her will even though she was hurting our 2 yr old.

I now have this on my record. It is right next to all of my other violent crimes like no seat belt and 6 mph over speeding etc.

[Star Gazer]

It takes me 4 days to do 5 loads of laundry too.

 

Am I gonna be a bad wife?

[jimm]

It takes me 4 days to do 5 loads of laundry too.

 

Am I gonna be a bad wife?

 

no.....just dont let the 6 month old fall down the stairs and you should be ok. See....it is an accumulation of things that adds up. If it was just the laundry...who cares. I can dig the cleanest of the dirty out of the basket and rewear it if needed or just find somthing else for that day. Just dont make it my life.

[Storyrider]

It takes me 4 days to do 5 loads of laundry too.

 

Am I gonna be a bad wife?

 

I'm already there, SG. Well, not quite. But maybe since she can't ignore the two children she would rather ignore the laundry. It is the healthier choice.

 

Wealthy women who don't like household chores have maids. Poor women who don't like household chores have messy houses. And are down to their last pair of underwear.

[norajane]

Jimm, why don't you talk to a lawyer and see what your options are? Frankly, while it sounds like she might hold the kids over your head and use them as pawns in a divorce, does she really even want them full time? I mean, how could she possibly handle them on her own? Do you think she doesn't realize she can't?

 

And if you can talk your wife into going to a therapist, it sounds like that would be a good idea. If she's been like this for a long time, she might have some kind of disorder that could be helped with medication. At the very least, she needs to get herself under control enough to be able to watch the kids so they don't get hurt.

[jimm]

I'm already there, SG. Well, not quite. But maybe since she can't ignore the two children she would rather ignore the laundry. It is the healthier choice.

 

Wealthy women who don't like household chores have maids. Poor women who don't like household chores have messy houses. And are down to their last pair of underwear.

she ignore the kids, the husband and the house to the point of causing the family to be a disaster. You need to read the whole story or just come live here for a while to get the real feel.